The Grand Archmage of the High Wizard Council

I’m the wisest wizard. I invented magic. I know all. Been here since the First Epoch and the Old Universal Advent. I’m accepting of all types of magic, there is no correct way to cast. Magic comes from a lot of backgrounds. My draconian elitist colleagues can unmake themselves. Proud to have served on the High Wizard Council since its conception in the Seventh Epoch. Scoundrels and brigands DNI. Those who know magic, or those wishing to learn from the best are welcome.

[john-boneman-lich-lord]

Turned a man inside out and rolled him down a hill into the lake so Nessie's grandkid could have a snack

[supreme-grand-archmage]

Your kindness warms my heart. John Boneman, always thinking of others.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

Onyx golem fucked with my magic bean plant so I kicked him in his crystal balls. Let’s see how he’s moving when I split him in twain with a spell from the Dickronomicon.

[the-mighty-dalob]

Why did you give a Golem a Dick?

[supreme-grand-archmage]

Specifically to kick him in the balls. In had to be done.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

Onyx golem fucked with my magic bean plant so I kicked him in his crystal balls. Let’s see how he’s moving when I split him in twain with a spell from the Dickronomicon.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

Wizardry is not for the faint of heart, my friend’s apprentice tried learning my famous Nitroglycerine Bones spell and accidentally turned his own bones into nitroglycerine and died instantly. Don’t do it if you can’t take the heat.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

I’ve received many complaints about The Council’s supposed efforts to crack down on murder and killing people. I am here to assure you, we do not endorse pacifism or kindness and goodwill in any significant way. Our composition of equal parts good, evil, and neutral wizard require us to stay amoral and unbiased.

For those of you worried, do not be, murder is okay! Killing people is very much allowed.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

STOOOP. STOP THEM. STOP THE BARDS. THEY’RE ON THEIR WAY TO THE DRAGON’S CAVE IT’S GONNA BE A MASSACRE.

…and

…and god forbid it actually works…

Ok guys I need to sit down and have a little talk with you all about Dragonbornes. You see, when it comes to the mixing of the DNA of a puny mortal creature and what essentially amounts to natures final crucible and the biological incarnation of chaos, it doesn’t always end up looking like the “favorable” kind of Dragonborne. In fact, it rarely does at all. You all know, human body shape, a bit taller, scaly. That’s almost never the case. Listen you’d be suprised how fucked up some of these creatures can get. One time I was walking broodingly down a long dirt path and I looked over and I saw this fucking thing.

And let me tell you I screamed my shit off, and I felt so bad because I’m not lying it was literally just a normal ass dude. He spoke in both tongues, but he was actually just a completely normal guy. And I’m sorry, I know that’ll never convince these young bards of the consequences, but I’ve been a wizard since the dawn of time and I’d be lying if I said I never laid with a beast of the… draconic variety.

In fact I’ve done it… several times.

Okay a lot of times. But it’s OVERRATED. It feels like you’re just spelunking in that shit. I was searching for buried treasure up there okay? AND ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE MORTAL DONT DO IT. YOU COULD LIKE, ACTUALLY DIE, THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS THAT COULD GO WRONG. Depending on the type of dragon you could just get incinerated by the… moisture, and dragons are big and they have a lot of muscle and you might just get crushed to death in the movement up there, and all of this is assuming they even LIKE you in the first place, they COULD JUST KILL YOU.

But hey, I’m not one to chastise, you know love wins and all, (and I’ve done it before too so FINE) if that’s where your happiness lies… on the interior of an elder dragon, then I won’t judge, just DON’T ASK ME TO REVIVE YOUR FRIEND WHEN HE’S ON THE 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐎𝐅 𝐀 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐆𝐎𝐍, I’M NOT DOING THAT AGAIN AND I 𝐒𝐔𝐑𝐄 𝐀𝐒 𝐅𝐔𝐂𝐊 𝐀𝐌 𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐆𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐇𝐈𝐌 𝐎𝐔𝐓.

Thank you for coming to my ted talk and STOP FUCKING DRAGONS.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

I’m seeing too much goblin racism around here, and a lot of it is surprisingly coming from my liberal wizard colleagues, I’ve sent out like 80 reprimands to members of the council for discriminating against goblins in the workplace.

I’ve had enough, for the next hundred years, all wizards on the council who discriminate against goblins will have to take one up as an apprentice. Shame on you harlots.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

I think I killed a very important fae on accident because I murdered like 80 of them trying to get out of the faewood and there are a bunch of ethereal forms circling around me heating up the air to like 1000 degrees. They’re shrieking into my mind “GIVE US HIS SOUL BACK, RETURN THE SOUL, CURSES BE UPON YE” and it doesn’t hurt because I’m fireproof (being the Supreme Grand Archmage) but it’s getting annoying I might have to kill a few more Fae.

If anyone hears a reallllly loud rumbling coming from like, the cosmic woodwork, it’s likely just me splitting the atoms of a couple hundred thousand fae. I’m nuking one of their cities every hour until they promise to never fuck with me again.

I HATE the fae. THEY DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ME MY ORB BACK.

[the-mighty-dalob]

Sounds like a reason to go back...

C'mon! Just jump into the portal!

[supreme-grand-archmage]

Yknow actually yeah, you were right lemme back in there I’m boutta slime some fae asses.

[the-mighty-dalob]

GOOD LUCK!

HAVE FUN!

[supreme-grand-archmage]

*the most graceful and stunning swan dive you’ve ever witnessed*

[supreme-grand-archmage]

I think I killed a very important fae on accident because I murdered like 80 of them trying to get out of the faewood and there are a bunch of ethereal forms circling around me heating up the air to like 1000 degrees. They’re shrieking into my mind “GIVE US HIS SOUL BACK, RETURN THE SOUL, CURSES BE UPON YE” and it doesn’t hurt because I’m fireproof (being the Supreme Grand Archmage) but it’s getting annoying I might have to kill a few more Fae.

If anyone hears a reallllly loud rumbling coming from like, the cosmic woodwork, it’s likely just me splitting the atoms of a couple hundred thousand fae. I’m nuking one of their cities every hour until they promise to never fuck with me again.

I HATE the fae. THEY DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ME MY ORB BACK.

[the-mighty-dalob]

Sounds like a reason to go back...

C'mon! Just jump into the portal!

[supreme-grand-archmage]

Yknow actually yeah, you were right lemme back in there I’m boutta slime some fae asses.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

I think I killed a very important fae on accident because I murdered like 80 of them trying to get out of the faewood and there are a bunch of ethereal forms circling around me heating up the air to like 1000 degrees. They’re shrieking into my mind “GIVE US HIS SOUL BACK, RETURN THE SOUL, CURSES BE UPON YE” and it doesn’t hurt because I’m fireproof (being the Supreme Grand Archmage) but it’s getting annoying I might have to kill a few more Fae.

If anyone hears a reallllly loud rumbling coming from like, the cosmic woodwork, it’s likely just me splitting the atoms of a couple hundred thousand fae. I’m nuking one of their cities every hour until they promise to never fuck with me again.

I HATE the fae. THEY DIDN’T EVEN GIVE ME MY ORB BACK.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

Guys I finally made it out of the faewood. That was an annoying process.

[the-mighty-dalob]

*A Portal opens*

Wanna go back? I can make you Go back!

[supreme-grand-archmage]

NONONONONONONO 𝐹𝐼𝑅𝐸𝐵𝒜𝐿𝐿 𝐹𝐼𝑅𝐸𝐵𝒜𝐿𝐿 𝐹𝐼𝑅𝐸𝐵𝒜𝐿𝐿 HELL NAH. This was NOT like my last business trip there. I had to explode the bones of like 80 dudes DON’T TEST ME.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

Guys I finally made it out of the faewood. That was an annoying process.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

Guys I dropped my orb in the woods and it rolled into a very pretty ring of flowers, and I’m debating whether or not I should go get it.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

Guys I dropped my orb in the woods and it rolled into a very pretty ring of flowers, and I’m debating whether or not I should go get it.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

Young barbarian ran up on me so I threw him in an iron sarcophagus. Heard him yowl before he immolated, they can’t take the heat.

If you don’t wanna get burned don’t run up on the world’s greatest pyromancer.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

is thongles intimidating prescence a legal spell

Yes. Tongle’s Intimidating Presence is an interesting one. It was made by Thongle the Therrible (he had a lisp). Created in the 35th Epoch when his henchmen failed to prepare his mana potions correctly for the 18th time, he looked over his shoulder at them and glared so fucking hard they died immediately. Every other henchman in the tower perfected the recipe minutes later, before dying of stress.

I actually met the guy once. He challenged me to a wizard duel, and I though he was a bad sorcerer because he kept trying to cast “thireball” but then he cast the most powerful “thunderbolt” spell i’ve seen in many ages. I promptly folded him (because I’m the wisest wizard) and he just kept yelling back “I’m going to thucking kill you, Archmage!” A bit of a sore loser.

You need to have a really strong lisp to cast it though, just to warn you, don’t get caught lacking in a wizard duel.

[supreme-grand-archmage]

So I went to ponder my orb today after lending it to Beltraz the Black-Hearted (his broke so he asked to borrow mine). But can someone tell me why the last 7 entires in my ponder history went as follows?

“Wenches hot”

“Well endowed wenches”

“Tavernmaid accident”

“Well endowed tavernmaids”

“Lord Mathewson no codpiece”

“Valiant knights no codpiece”

“Knight with enormous 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘥𝘦”

I was horrified to see scandalous ponderings on my orb’s history, and on delving deeper, the ponderings contained several DOZEN inches of exposed skin. I cannot be comrades with someone so wenchless. Modesty is DEAD. I hate to expose the misdoings of a fellow wizard, but this activity is reprehensible. Never lend your orb to your compatriots, my fellow sorcerers, or they may ponder bosoms.

The worst part about this? HE GETS NO WENCHES! I would be inclined to forgive him, perchance if he acquired motion regularly, but he is MAIDENLESS. How could a spellcaster be 293,000 years of age, and not have lain with ONE wench! Shame! Shame!

Safe be to say I shan’t converse with him ever again.