Last night I was reading an article by Taylor Swift about her struggle with an eating disorder and her weight/body image. Lots of thoughts about my own struggles with this topic came into my mind. These have been coming to my mind as I see more strong women speak up about body positivity from Lizzo to Jameela Jamil. From a very young age, I felt like I needed to look a certain way to be loved and to feel loved. Most people know me as the shy one maybe the quiet one sometimes hard to get to know one. While I put on a front that I am very proud of (that being happy and fun, most of the time) it still lingers inside me that no one actually likes me because of what my body looks like.
Don’t get me wrong, I am perfectly aware of my looks and no matter what anyone tells me or how much people compliment or try and validate me I still feel the same. Growing up Christian I was sure I could pray to God and I would become “pretty.” I was never one of the “skinny” girls or the confident ones. And I am very aware that body issues exist no matter what weight you are at or what your body might look like, I am not here to shame anyone’s body. My specific struggle was that I wasn’t generally praised, by society, 90 pounds with clear skin like all my other friends and family. My relationship with my body was defined by an industry that didn’t know me and did not have the right to define what makes someone beautiful.
It didn’t help that women have always been taught that when we exude confidence we are “stuck up” “bitchy” “obsessed with ourselves” “cocky” and so many more awful things society has placed on us. People fear confident women if you were the one looking in the mirror and not self-hating with your friends you were shamed. Think of that scene in Mean Girls (oh, but Mickelle what scene there is too much genius in that movie!) I am referring to the scene when the “plastics” all look in the mirror and only point out the flaws they see in themselves. This is a completely new concept to the protagonist Cady Heron who has grown up outside the “norm.” I think the narrative of universally accepted self-deprecation from women has changed as we have more positive representation in media, but it’s going to take a long time for us to completely switch it.
I remember thoughts like “that person won’t want to be my friend because look at me,” or “why would he EVER want to date me, have you seen the way I look?” These doubts have prevented me from making relationships that could last whether it was romantic or platonic. I wouldn’t go somewhere because I felt ugly, I would push people out of my life because I didn’t want them to have the burden of looking at me and dealing with my anxieties about my image, I would completely shut down the idea that anyone would date or marry me before anyone could even have the chance to set me up. These predispositions about myself and my image have haunted me my entire life. They have set up something inside me that is crippling and harmful.
There was a time on my LDS mission that one of my companions looked at me and said “I don’t think you know that you’re pretty,” while having a conversation about self-worth, and to be honest…I never even thought about that I just always assumed I wasn’t. This statement completely opened up how I was thinking about myself. Someone wasn’t just complimenting me they were questioning whether I knew if a compliment was true. From that moment on I realized that other people saw that I hated myself. I couldn’t hide it forever or pretend like it didn’t exist. Self-deprecation could only get me so far until I had to confront my doubts.
Before I continue I want to make one thing very clear I do not write this for a sympathy vote or for everyone to flood me with reassurance, but I write it because I want people out there to know that they are not alone. Body image is something so sensitive and so personal, please do not feel like you are alone in your fight. I have come a long way in my fight to love my body and myself and believe me, it’s been a fight every step of the way. And I still have so long to go. I write this as a relief, as awareness and just because someone out there might relate. I am slowly getting to the point where I see my acne or my belly and I love those parts of me. This practice is helping me to let other people love those parts too. It’s a long road and something to work on every moment of every day.
The beauty industry has the idea of beauty so very backward even when I lost or gained weight, waxed my eyebrows, bought expensive makeup, cleared my skin and dyed my hair nothing could make me feel confident like accepting myself for who I am. We are not what the beauty industry tries to tell us we are so much more than that. We have complex lives and personalities that define us. With each passing day, I am able to take baby steps to accept the way I look and I am coming closer to knowing that I am loved by other people no matter how I look.
There is no secret formula to loving yourself there is only taking it to step by step, waking up, looking in the mirror and having the courage to say “I am worth it today.” I hope when these doubts enter your mind you can remember you are not alone. There are people of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, and ages that are going to be with you. Let’s all be a little kinder to ourselves and a little more aware of people’s struggles. We may not all reach that unattainable goal of complete “self-love” but we can all surround ourselves with enough love to try. Eventually, I would love to see young girls looking in the mirror and boosting every part of themselves up. As we become more comfortable being vocal about our struggles and block out the social norms that we have in our minds we can create a space to let people love themselves completely.
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