So how do you tell which parts of your routine are load-bearing? I wish I knew, but some heuristics:
Things that are part of your access to food which youāll reliably eat are often load-bearing. If you get a lot of your calories from the free food at work, you should expect changing jobs to one without free food will throw you off your game. If you rely on the corner store then you should expect that moving to a new place where you have to get in the car to get groceries will be a problem. Going vegetarian can screw up something load-bearing for a lot of people (and I say that as someone who believes that factory farming is morally horrible). Going on a diet is reasonably likely to fuck up something load bearing, and I suspect this is part of why statistically dieting doesnāt work at improving peoplesā lives or health.
Things that are part of the environments you spend the most time in are reasonably likely to beĀ load-bearing.The length of your commute, the environment you work in, whether your bedroom is clean, well-ventilated, high-ceilinged, has natural light, whether you have any space that you donāt share with another personā¦. for some peopleĀ āhaving a carā is loadbearing because itās a space that is theirs and will reliably have their stuff and get them places. For other people, living somewhere where they can get places without a car is load bearing.Ā
Cleanliness needs are often load-bearing. This one especially sucks because you can get into a trap where your space gets chaotic/cluttered/awful and this breaks your brain and makes it harder to keep your space clean.
Pets are often load-bearing.
This might be influenced by who I hang out with, but I think personal time when youāre alone and no one has any claims on you is load bearing for a lot of people. Some people have their own room and know they need their own room, but lots of other people make do with a long commute where they can quietly listen to the radio, and donāt even realize that this is filling their need for introvert time until it changes.Ā
I think people often have a particularly bad time if they have something load-bearing thatās consideredĀ āindulgentā or aĀ āluxuryā, likeĀ āliving in an apartment building with a poolā orĀ āhaving a big yard I can garden inā orĀ āhaving an ensuite bathroom with a tubā orĀ āhaving a soundproofed practice roomā orĀ āhaving a grand pianoā. But, like, having expensive load-bearing bits of your life does not say anything about you morally; it may mean that itās harder for you to get your needs met, and it may not be a preferable situation, but it doesnāt make you selfish or greedy or bad. And, you know, trying to just not have things you need because you believe youāre bad for wanting them doesnāt often work out great.
This scene was absolutely beautiful BUT itās also the crux of the issue. You guys this is where the problems start. Becauseābecause Crowleyās already cast out, he finds COMFORT in the idea that they are lonely together. āAs far as he canā becoming āas far as they canā is an END to his complete āothernessā and something to appreciate, to covet, and to find solace in. Heās finally not alone.
Butāand this is important.
Aziraphale does NOT feel that. He canāt.
This moment is completely and utterly devastating for Zira. He finds out heās not damned and sure, heās relieved. But heās no longer āan Angelā in the way that heās learned is right. Heās now unchangeably and forever; less holyāa concept that is dearly important to his identity. ā[Going] along with heaven as far as he canā is a FAILING on his part. Not heavenās(at least to him). There is no solace or comfortāhe finds existence like thatājust the two of themāachingly LONELY. And thatās just how his perspective demands to be taken. Itās the only perspective he is capable of in that moment AND after it, too.
Take into account Crowley has went from having no one AT ALL to having SOMEONE. And he puts EVERYTHING he has into it. This is not good. Itās unfair to Aziraphale. And itās unfair to himself. On the opposite side, you have Aziraphale. Who has just went from having the ENTIRE HEAVENLY HOST, to having this SINGLE demonā who, one minute ago, Aziraphale thought would be dragging him off to hell.
And the part that aches is that this perspective hasnāt changed. Aziraphale feels like his existence is lacking because he wants so badly to be GOOD. And good is Holy. Good is heavenly. Heās the problem for having morals that are misaligned.
Spoilers for the last episode:
Aziraphale has just been given the validation that he is not only GOOD but the most HEAVENLY Angel there is, the Supreme Archangel, even. And if heavens morals are now HIS morals, then thatās EVERY PROBLEM SOLVED. With a bow even, because Crowleyās basically on heavens side anyway, heās GOOD, isnāt he? Heās been good this whole time, so why wouldnāt heaven want him back? Reinstating him as Angel would fix everything. They can be together, and they can be good, and they can be HOLY. All Aziraphaleās conflicting emotions about loving Crowley can be packed away because Crowley will be perfect againāand surely Crowley wants to be perfectāwants to be forgiven.(sorry everyone, that hurt me too, oof) Aziraphale is SHOCKED by Crowleyās refusal. Heās devastated that his version of perfect is treated as something naive and distasteful.
Crowleyās devastated too. Heās just lost ātheir sideā. A concept that for 5000+ years has been THE ONLY THING he puts love into besides his car and perhaps his plants(And humanity, but heāll never admit to thatāIām looking at the āNo more dyingā scene). Crowley is constantly being devastated by Aziraphale. Heās ātoo fastā, heās too evil, heās too good sometimes. Crowley has always been TOO MUCH. But this is different because for four years, heās had āthemā(on their own side) without the hiding, and without the denial and without Aziraphale constantly putting former jobs between them. PLUS he has a mountain of trauma centered around the concept of āforgivenessā, so thatās not great considering Aziraphaleās last words to him(THAT HE HASNT SAID ALL SEASON EVEN WHEN HE MADE CROWLEY APOLOGIZE IN THE FIRST EPISODE, AHHHHH). Heās losing everything and heās desperate: Why isnāt he enough, hasnāt he been enough these last 4 years? Hasnāt HE been enough the last 6000?
Aziraphale has always been enough for Crowley. But being enough for Crowley doesnāt fix how Aziraphale has never been enough for himself, not since Job. He looks at this offer as a chance for HIM to be enough, and for Crowley to be FORGIVEN. Crowley looks at it as a betrayal because itās Aziraphale saying Crowley ISNT enough, and he NEVER has been.
But thatās not what Aziraphale is saying. Heās saying, āLet me fix it for youā. Crowley is hearing, āLet me fix you for it.ā Two completely different and completely horrifying concepts.
And then Crowley needs to say HIS piece(oh my gosh, btw, this was heartbreaking).
āLetās be together on our termsā is basically what Iāve distilled it down to. But Aziraphale hears, āLetās run away from our problemsā
Aziraphale doesnāt want to run away, and Crowley doesnāt want to change who he is.
They both want to be together so badly but they donāt understand why they each want it so differently. And Aziraphale canāt compromise because heās brainwashed and LOATHES himself. And Crowley canāt compromise because heās traumatized and LOVES Aziraphale just as he is. Crowley doesnāt want to be good on heavens terms. He can see Heaven for what it is; ātoxicā. He hates heaven not only for what the Host did to him, but for HOW THEY TREATED Aziraphale.
They both donāt understand each other because for all the pleading and presenting and monologuing, they never once in that whole conversation, actually talked.
see. the issue is what maggie n nina pointed out after three days of knowing aziraphale and crowley. they donāt talk. they donāt communicate. they love each other, sure. they banter and have meals and drinks and would die for each other. but they spend so much of their relationship inferring how the other feels. assuming what the other wants. aziraphale assumed crowley wanted to be an angel again. crowley assumed aziraphale would be able to give up being one. they donāt have a middle ground bc they didnāt know one was necessary
when edgar allan poe saidĀ ātell me every terrible thing you ever did, and let me love you anyway.ā and when hozier saidĀ āi wouldnāt fall for someone i thought couldnāt misbehave.ā
The rumours are true. Well, the good ones are, anyway. Netflix is delighted and thrilled that so many of you, all over the world, have been watching and loving Sandman, which means that the thing we were all hoping would happen...? Well, it's happened...
you know what I just thought about. frodo had pity for gollum because he could relate to what he was going through with the ring, and was probably really afraid of becoming like gollum himself. but at the cracks of doom when the ring finally took full control of him, frodo didnt lose his mind like gollum, he became powerful. After barely being able to crawl up mt doom hes suddenly able to walk straight the final stretch to the cracks, hes able to throw gollum off of him, his voice is described as booming and clear. When he tells sam that hes keeping the ring, its noted that theres more power and clarity behind his voice that sam had ever heard from him
I dont think the ring would give it's full power to anyone that wasnt sauron, but. I wonder if in a last ditch effort to save itself, sensing that it was about to be destroyed, the ring changed tactics and instead of draining frodo of all his energy, it gave frodo a lot of power to try to change his mind?
But the ring overwhelming someone with incredible power isnt unheard of, gandalf refused to take it because he was afraid that would happen. So I wonder if instead of the ring trying to manipulate him, it finally recognized him as a worthy tool, in the same way it would with gandalf or galadriel? Instead of just making him a creepy little weirdo like it did with gollum and started to do with bilbo
And then I remember that the very first time sam puts on the ring he feels incredibly powerful, like he could transform all of mordor into a garden. The ring determined that sam was easier to use and tried tempting him with power instead of making him suffer like it did with frodo. But sam instantly said "....no that's stupid" and was effortlessly able to give the ring back to frodo
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