CRAP HAPPENS...you live and you learn..

CRAP HAPPENS...you live and you learn......just strike it up as a loss and keep it moving..

[swaybelle]

Why am i still here!

I really want to jump off of my balcony..i cant do shit. I can't cook, im not pretty, i havent even been keeping my apartment clean like i usually do. I owe too much in student loans, my rent is about to go up....this shit is too much..why am i here? I dont even think that he really wants to be with me..i think im just convenient because i dont live far from his job and i have a car....why am i here? My own fetus didnt even want to be here with me..my mother never wants me to visit her job..i think shes ashamed of the way i look...i guess i just have to suffer in silence cause i wouldnt want to put the burden of planning a funeral on my family...

[swaybelle]

July 11, 2018...

I keep seeing all of these post on my facebook timeline of new mothers and pregnant mommas, bottle advertisements, free baby stuff..this shit hurts so bad to know that what I wanted so much, i couldnt keep. I know my neighbors think im crazy cause when i start thinking about him/her i start crying and screaming...i dont have nobody to talk to about this cause everybody has their own life..i think i need a psychiatrist...anyway..i started my new job this Monday and yesterday Razo came there for a interview and we gave each other the biggest hug..and then she rubbed my belly where my baby used to be and i couldnt do anything except for shake my head...cause no words could come out...i havent told everyone yet.. i just....dont know what I want...i know its selfish but somebody please pray for me.

I was so excited, i was so ready. I wanted my baby..

[swaybelle]

So, i was a mother for 8 weeks and 3 days

.........the end

June 30, 2018

[swaybelle]

..... =(

All of these people are soooo happy about my pregnancy....but i may be having a miscarriage....how would i tell them...

...thats like the ultimate rejection...when ya own fetus doesnt want ya..

[swaybelle]

June 28, 2018....

[swaybelle]

Giant sigh

June 28, 2018

*sidenote* there is no post date on these things...

Anyway, im terrified and I think i may miscarry. Ive been spotting since Monday..the 25th..and ive just started getting cramps tonight/ this morning..im really worried...but i go to the doctor later today ....so wish me luck..I wonder if depression is normal during pregnancies... Ive been thinking about some pretty bad things lately..i know it will pass though...

oh yeah, im supposed to start a new job on July 2nd..yay us... (me and the little one)..im going to have to remind myself to take it easy...in the meantime im gonna keep looking for better paying, pregnant woman friendly jobs...

This is gonna be some journey. I just hope its not over before it even gets started..

[swaybelle]

Surprising news

So, I'm pregnant. I found out last Saturday...and Im terrified, moody, kind of regretful but also kind of happy..i guess...

[swaybelle]

So, I was wondering on Saturday why my kale wasn't growing like it's supposed to...this is the reason why 😩 ..I don't even want it no more. They can have it..

[swaybelle]

Pretty in purple

[swaybelle]

Didi Conn

Didi Conn talking to new Frenchie and that look in her eyes.....Awesome. I know it probably brought back so many memories for her.

[swaybelle]

Snow nowhere on my car😍 but it's not like I have anywhere to go

[swaybelle]

[swaybelle]

..chillin in the new year... #HAPPYNEWYEAR #2016 #naturalbeauty #chillin #WomanOnAMission

[swaybelle]

I dont understand

How do you get experience if no one will take a chance on you? How do you get experience if no one will give you a job?smh

[swaybelle]

Fuck!!!!!!

Im dependable. I am willing to learn and be trained in a job. Im not lazy. I have great receptionist, customer service, and organization skills. Im willing to work weekends and holidays. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize a job. I dont fucking understand. Why wont anyone hire me. I cant take these rejections anymore. I really wanted that Nordstrom’s job.

[swaybelle]

How?

How do you keep your faith when those who love you basically tell you in a nice way that you dont know shit.....teaching Pre-K and before and after care for 10+years in a fucked up private school..i thought i knew quite a lot but who am i to say....

[swaybelle]

Feeling great, feeling good, how are you? #MAC #NappyRoots #4eyes #wonderfulday