Remus John Lupin

Remus John Lupin, 21 Bisexual Order Member Part time werewolf, full time disaster

[swearwolfremuslupin]

Intro to Remus Lupin:

Chocolate, cable-knit sweaters, bruised skin, bandages, healing potions, mugs of tea, sugar, old books, dog-eared pages, annotations in the margins, raised scars, chewed fingernails, dark circles under the eyes, tousled hair, nightmares, sharing blankets, holding hands…

TW: animal attacks, childhood trauma, terminal illness, parental illness Aesthetics: Chocolate, cable-knit sweaters, bruised skin, bandages, healing potions, mugs of tea, sugar, old books, dog-eared pages, annotations in the margins, raised scars, chewed fingernails, dark circles under the eyes, tousled hair, nightmares, sharing blankets, holding hands… Name: Remus John Lupin Age: 21 years old Birthday: 10/03/1960 Former House: Gryffindor Graduation Year: 1978 Wand: Unicorn hair, Cypress, 10 ¼ inches, and fairly flexible. Occupation: Unemployed

Current Circumstance: Remus joined the order knowing full well that his condition could be used to the advantage of the movement. This was due to a conversation with Dumbledore prior to his graduation. Although the implication of meeting feral wolves and potentially having to affiliate with them terrified him to his core, he felt as though he owed Dumbledore more than he could ever pay him back and he signed himself up without hesitation. This dire need to please Albus is still buried deeply within his sub-conscious. He blindly followed the man, almost child-like in his conviction that he can do no wrong. Like many of Dumbledore’s followers, he very rarely questioned him, believing he absolutely knew best.

It was only after months of living with the werewolves, and being forced to pledge loyalty to the man who had maliciously attacked him as a child, that Remus temporarily removed his rose-coloured glasses. Greyback and his pack live rough, squatting or camping with no equipment, often in abandoned or near uninhabitable spaces. They are aggressive, blood-thirsty, violent individuals, the complete opposite of Remus. He had to do some terrible things to earn their trust. Forced to sacrifice all of his favourite creature comforts, things like tea, books, and chocolate were out of reach. These were the things he used, and still uses, to ground himself. To remind himself that, despite everything, he is Human. The first time he was forced to eat raw meat with the other wolves it took every ounce of his willpower to stomach it. Not because he didn’t enjoy the taste but because he did.

During a meeting with Dumbledore, in which he was expected to communicate plans, names, and dates to recite back to the Order, Remus found himself sitting in the familiar office, his head in his hands, completely and utterly broken. His mental health had taken an incredible dive and, despite telling himself repeatedly that this mission, alongside being trusted to take it on, was an honour, he begged for permission to stay in the Wizarding world. He was honest, confiding in Albus, admitting to feeling like an animal, like he might be losing himself to what he was. He also talked about how distant he was beginning to feel from his friends. Albus was kind and understanding but made it very clear to Remus that the Order needed him. It had to be him, he had to be strong enough. Remus steeled himself, realising he didn’t have a choice in the matter, and agreed, leaving with a newfound determination that did nothing to dispel the hollow feeling in his chest and subsequent emotional exhaustion. For the first time in his life, he felt a spark of resentment for the man he admired above all.

Doubts began to creep in, and he found him considering whether Dumbledore would have asked him to return to Greyback if he saw him as Remus and not as a werewolf. Whenever he was forced to do something terrible, or he felt something inside him break, the anger that used to be directed at Greyback, was suddenly directed at Dumbledore. And then the attack happened. Peter Pettigrew was outed as a spy and Remus felt his entire world beginning to crumble. He began to convince himself that if he had been more present, if he hadn’t spent so much time isolated from the people he loved, maybe he would have noticed something was wrong. Maybe he could have saved Sirius from the trauma of confronting him alone.

Taking a break from his mission at Dumbledore’s unexpected behest, as he Order withdraws from the public eye and continues its work underground, Remus is currently living in a small one bedroom flat, situated in the heart of London. His parents were quick to welcome him home but his mother, Hope, is incredibly ill. He refuses to burden his parents with his own illness so when a friend of his father’s, travelling to escape London’s heavy atmosphere, offered up her apartment, he accepted the offer, incredibly grateful. Whenever he makes a little money, he sends some to her, appreciative of her kindness despite believing if she discovered his condition she would be disgusted by the fact that he had even set foot inside of her home.

Additional Information: He perfected the Patronus charm at the considerably young age of 13 after learning about Dementors in DADA. He became obsessed with the idea of running into one someday. Knowing he had more darkness in his life than most students his age, he was convinced he would be overpowered and lose his soul. He knew he would only be able to conquer his fear by mastering the Patronus Charm and spent months hard at work until he was finally successful. That being said, he only conjures a corporeal Patronus in front of friends, ashamed, and embarrassed by the shape it takes. He is very good at protection spells. Remus prefers defensive spells purely because he feels as though if he attacks first he is succumbing to the monster hiding just below the surface of his skin. He is beyond terrible at potions, overwhelmed by the scents of the ingredients. The scar from Fenrir’s bite is on his left shoulder and he does everything he can to ensure nobody sees it. When he is nervous or scared he reaches under the collar of his shirt to press his hand against it, using it as a reminder of how strong and capable he is. It doesn’t calm him down but it helps to steel his resolution. If he is upset, he touches it to punish himself, to remind himself that he isn’t human, that he doesn’t deserve to be happy. Remus is terrified of being asked to return to the feral wolves. He’s aware his only true value to the Order of the Phoenix lies in his Lycanthropy. Hope Lupin is sick with a Muggle illness that has been worsening for nearly a year. Remus strongly suspects it is far more serious than his parents are willing to admit, and harbours a lot of guilt, believing he manifested her poor health after using it as a cover for his routine disappearances while at school. Although small, gentle, and quiet, on occasion when things become too much Remus finds himself filled with anger and frustration. During these times he often takes his pain out on his closest friends, the only people to ever see him so unravelled. He still suffers nightmares due to the trauma of his attack. When he was 4, Greyback climbed through his bedroom window, half-transformed, to bite, and infect him. Even at the age of 21, if it is dark outside, he finds it unbearable to be in a room with an open window.

[fauvehoof]

· Lily + @swearwolfremuslupin​

· A death eater safe house

· tw: blood, signs of abuse and ptsd

Keep reading

[swearwolfremuslupin]

One of the first things Remus had discussed with Dumbledore after agreeing to take on his mission was the fact that his scars made it obvious he had spent years of his life attempting to integrate with wizarding society. Something feral werewolves were disgusted by. Something that would, no doubt, make it difficult for him to initially blend in with the pack. He had been ready for the attention, prepared even, and had done everything within his power to convince, not only Greyback, but every other wolf he interacted with that his time among humans had been a mistake. An awful one he would take back if only it were possible. Humans were despicable creatures, beneath him in every way that truly mattered. But even after so long of living that lie, he was tested. The hand on his arm made him feel physically sick, but he supressed his emotion, suppressed every memory he had of being alone, and scared. Injured, and in pain. The man beside him had once sunk his sharp teeth into his skin, tearing flesh, and shattering bone. Did he even remember that night? Or was he just another victim? Forgettable, and unimportant? He set his jaw, knowing he couldn’t afford to waver, despite his ever present fear. When Greyback wanted you to do something, you did it. And when Dumbledore wanted you to do something, you did it well. His performance was convincing because it had to be, so he kept his head bowed, submissive, and respectful, as he was dragged towards a room he didn’t recognise. It wasn’t often Greyback took any of the wolves beyond the fringes of the woods he had decided to inhabit. The fact that he was in building currently occupied by Death Eaters was concerning enough in itself. But there was a faint scent in the air that he recognised, his senses uncomfortably heightened after a week of ‘embracing’ his nature.

“I’ve got a treat for you today. The Death Eaters are having some real fun with this one.” Greyback grinned, his expression threatening, and bloodthirsty. He came to a halt in front of a door, one hand coming to rest upon the handle.

“You already know how I feel about... humans.” Remus insisted, hesitating before saying the word as though it was too difficult for him, as though it repulsed him to the very core of his being. Hurriedly running over the implications behind Greyback’s statement, he realised too late that there was a person being held, most likely against their will, and Greyback had brought him to ogle at them. Before he could compose himself, before he could adjust his expectations, and ready himself for whatever horror he was about to be exposed to, Greyback swung open the door with force, pushing him through it into a dark room that his eyes immediately adjusted to. He stumbled over his feet, taking a moment to process the sight before him.

“So you say.” Greyback brushed off Remus’ declaration. “But I have yet to be convinced. It’s a Muggleborn.” He added, his disinterest in the terminology obvious. “Not that it matters. They’re all inferior.” Greyback growled, shoving him further into the room, leaving him no choice but to move closer to the person inside it. Closer to Lily. “I thought it might do you some good, seeing one of your precious humans... weak, and pathetic. Look at it. Look at what they are, and tell me they don’t all deserve just what’s coming to them.”

For a tenth of a second, time seemed to stand still. Remus felt his heart stop, his stomach drop out from beneath him. Felt a helplessly he had never experienced before in his life. And then the mask was back in place. The one that had kept him alive, the one that was now well practised, and well worn. He arranged his features, letting disdain, and distaste wash over him. If he made a mistake now then both he and Lily would be dead. He stared at her, taking in her state. He knew he couldn’t look much better. It had been days since he had shaved, brushed his hair, or even just put on deodorant. Bruises, and scratches littered his skin. He was arguably in control of his situation, though. He let himself be used, and abused because that was his job, that was what the Order needed him to do. It was the only way to gain trust, and therefor information. It was the only way to single out the werewolves in Greyback’s pack who might not be loyal to his cause. Lily had no control, in all of her dishevelled misery. At any moment, the Death Eaters holding her could grow bored, and then what would happen? His mind was working impossibly fast, thinking of people he could contact for help, ways he could free her without drawing attention to himself.

“Well?” Greyback drawled, a smug smile tugging at his lips.

It was everything Remus could do not to flinch. He let his lip curl, maliciously narrowing his eyes. “Entertaining." He said finally. “But I fail to see the point. Isn’t time better spent elsewhere?”

[swearwolfremuslupin]

regulusblacx​:

“I think that is quite obvious,” Regulus huffed. He didn’t see how dating a werewolf could be a good decision. Regulus had a lifetime of experience watching Sirius make one stupid decision after the next. When he was younger, he’d spent a significant amount of time begging Sirius to not do one of his foolish pranks or some daring stunt. Regulus, always the pious, dutiful son, hated to see Sirius get scolded and screamed by their family for his poor decisions. He’d wince as if Regulus himself was the one being berated. Though he didn’t agree with many of Sirius’ choices, he still felt the traces of guilt when he thought about all of the times he’d never stuck up for his brother. When he simply sat by in fearful silence as his parents called his brother vile, hurtful things, shaming him to the point of disownment. Now, he had the small opportunity to protect his brother, and he wouldn’t pass up on it.

Regulus’ temper flaring was a rare thing, so it did not take longer than a few moments for it to rise back down, his hackles lowering and his jaw unclenching. He blinked, taking a smaller step back, rather surprised at how he had stepped up to Remus. He looked down at the drink in his hand, nearly empty by now, and figured he should take it easy for the rest of the evening. Regulus cleared his throat, nodding slowly. “I don’t just mean Sirius getting physically hurt either. My brother, he’s got– he’s got a huge heart,” he let out a sigh, as if that were some ridiculous flaw. “Should you harm him in any way, you will have to answer to me.”

Remus set his jaw, refusing to give Regulus any indication that he might agree. Though he understood the way society saw werewolves, though he had to face that reality on a near daily basis, he had undeniably been more protected than most. Not being on the Ministry’s registry meant not being publicly outed. The majority of the people he interacted with on a daily basis simply didn’t know what he was, and therefor couldn’t make their biases apparent. The few people who did know, the ones he shared every aspect of his being with, were kind, and loving, and supported him in ways he couldn’t even have imagined before being offered a place at Hogwarts. But now, he was being faced with what would happen if people did find out. If people outside of his friendship group became aware of his condition. Regulus no longer saw him as a person. He was a problem. A bad decision for Sirius to make. Nothing more, nothing less, and that was normal. In fact, he should feel lucky he was taking such a clinical, and logical stance. Anybody with malicious intent would have the power to destroy him should they ever uncover his illness. That didn’t make what he was saying any less difficult to hear. Maybe it was the alcohol running through his veins, maybe it was the pain that came with hearing somebody confirm what he so often worried might be true, but he felt emboldened. Determined to defend the relationship he shared with the person he loved most in the world. “I know your brother has a heart.” He said, his voice cool. Far more steady than he felt. “In case you’re forgetting, I was there when you broke it.” 

[swearwolfremuslupin]

fauvehoof​:

With a big breath, Lily nodded. Part of her wanted to be stubborn and insist on making herself feel as bad as possible for as long as she could- but the other side of her appreciated Remus’ tenderness so much that it would feel cruel to both her herself and him to not embrace his efforts fully. What good would it do? It wasn’t like she’d ever forget what happened, that she hadn’t learned her lesson. “Thank you.” Lily sighed, smiling softly, granting his request. With another big breath, Lily reached over and grabbed an ungodly forkful of the cake and took a bite. “Not upset anymore-” she said through chewing. “But only because you’re the best Remus…. seriously.”

Remus felt a rush of relief when Lily smiled. A brief sense of satisfaction. It was a victory. A small one, undoubtedly, but a victory all the same. Sometimes it felt like any smile, or hint of laughter was a win against the darkness that was trying to consume them. The world so often convinced him it was determined to keep his friends from finding comfort, or joy. But they defiantly continued to find it in each other. “You don’t need to thank me.” He insisted, smiling too as she took a bite of the cake. “You’re here for me, and I’m here for you. That’s how this works.” He took his own forkful of cake, savouring the taste as he listened to his friend. He couldn’t imagine a life without her, and sometimes that terrified him. Sometimes the reality of losing her felt far too real. “I’m not anything, Lily.” He shrugged off her compliment. “Just grateful to have you in my life...” 

[swearwolfremuslupin]

mighty-prongs​:

James took a moment for himself with Harry, he let himself enjoy the little moment of seeing his peaceful kid in his crib just sleeping soundly like there were no other terrors in the world. He got lucky, he got a great kid and an amazing wife and he almost lost it all by a wand of a Death Eater, and it made him question everything he was doing, but now wasn’t the time to dwell on that, he needed to go back and talk to Remus, make sure that what Peter said didn’t apply to another person of his family.

He went back and pulled a bottle of firewhiskey from the cupboard with two glasses before sitting down next to Remus. They both looked exhausted, and James couldn’t blame Remus for it, after all, the moon would never stop changing, but he hoped that what Lily was working on would help at least mitigate the symptoms. 

“There’s not much to say.” there was, but it was more or less what they were all going through. “Benjy saved my life at the alley, everything else seems to be on the mend.” it was a half true, but if he started talking about himself and his doubts he wouldn’t get some of the closure he needed. 

“I saw Peter.” he added after a moment, “Days before the rally, we…” he paused, taking a drink from hi glass, “He said some things.” he looked at Remus for a moment, seeing how his friend was taking the conversation, Remus would storm out, he felt he would, they had that conversation and it wasn’t a brilliant one before, and for the first time in a long time, James felt scared of losing someone just by opening his mouth. “Moony, is Dumbledore making you believe you have no choice but to do his bidding?” 

Remus frowned. It felt as though there was an awful lot to say. He didn’t want to make it easy for James to avoid the subject. He spent so much of his time worrying about the welfare of his friends. Now it was his turn to be worried over. Watching quietly as James fetched a bottle of Firewhisky, he ran a tired hand down his face. Merlin, he almost missed hearing him pine after Lily. Missed the brief time in their lives relationships, and homework had been the only real problems they needed to face together. He opened his mouth to insist there had to be more than that. To insist he was here to listen, to comfort, and support. But James spoke first, catching him off guard with a name that tasted like poison in his mouth. One he had refused to speak since learning of the wizard’s betrayal. He froze in place, feeling what little blood there was colouring his cheeks drain rapidly away. “I don’t need to know what he said.” His voice was tense, shaking with repressed emotion. As far as he was concerned, Peter was dead. Nothing he thought, or felt, or wanted to say to the Marauders mattered. He stared at James, frustrated, angry, and bitter that he would take this time to reopen wounds that were still so raw, and painful. That hadn’t even begun to heal over. But James pressed on, resurfacing an argument he thought they had managed to put behind them. 

A part of him, the sick, morbidly curious part, wondered what relevance James’ question could have to Peter. Had Dumbledore made him feel pressured or trapped? And was that really any kind of justification for attempting to get your closest friends killed? He didn’t let his curiosity show, though, hurriedly forcing it down instead, alongside all of the warm, and affectionate memories he had of their old friend. He couldn’t afford to dwell on them, to process everything he had lost. Instead he swallowed, forcing himself to stand far too quickly. The edges of his vision became tainted by black, and he blinked until his blood pressure returned to normal. There were so many answers he could give James. So many ways he could make his point. But he shouldn’t have to. Not again. Dumbledore had done nothing but tell him the truth. Dumbledore was honest even when honesty was difficult. It wasn’t a case of feeling as though he didn’t have a choice. It was looking at the options and accepting the fact that there was no choice. Begrudgingly carrying the responsibility only he could carry. It was a responsibility he had been made for the very night Greyback climbed through his window. There really was nobody else. As desperate as he was to abandon his burden, he couldn’t. Talking about his mission only made it more difficult, only dragged his trauma closer to the light. “I’m not discussing this with you.” He said, making his way to the door. “Not again.” 

[swearwolfremuslupin]

medasgalaxy​:

Andromeda looked at Remus and almost chuckled, these boys liked to pretend they were a mystery but you could see most of the things written on their faces. “I get frustrated with my husband too, but instead of waiting for the next fight you should be eager to the next outing you two have together. It makes the world seem less gloomy.” she gave her two knuts to the situation and then was surprised at his next statement. “Well, I’m here to make sure no one hurts him. Not his old, or his new family. So I guess we have something in common.” she wasn’t exactly defending herself, she knew she had a lot to make up for, but she wasn’t going to be pushed back, if this man was going to break Sirius’ heart she would not stand for it, no matter how much Sirius loved him. 

“Yes, but I’m not Sirius, you don’t know me yet, and I understand personal space I just…” she sighed, taking a sip from her drink, “You reminded me of Sirius too, when he was little he always played with his shirts, he hated them so I used to fixed them for him.” she explained hoping he would understand her better, if she was willing to pry for information he was entitled to some too.

“Isn’t that always the case when we feel we don’t deserve love?” he wasn’t talking about him, she was talking about herself, and it felt odd to be so sincere with the man. She was usually reserved and today it seemed that things were coming out willingly our of her mouth. “Have you asked him?”

“I’m not waiting for the next fight- neither of us are waiting.” Remus argued, frustrated by the notion. He enjoyed his relationship with Sirius when it was stable, and healthy. Just because he was able to find comfort, and familiarity in a routine of arguing, and making amends, it didn’t mean that was what he wanted. It didn’t mean he counted down the days until they fell back into their old, and undeniably toxic dynamic. “And in case you haven’t noticed, the world is a pretty gloomy place.” Did Andromeda not realise they were fighting a war? Being forced to choose sides, and witness unspeakable things. Do unspeakable things themselves in the hope that, maybe, the result would be a safer, and kinder world. “Then maybe you should be talking to the people who actually want to hurt him.” He muttered, despite knowing the situation wasn’t quite so black and white. Lowering his gaze, he scuffed his shoes against the floor, a frown creasing his brow as Andromeda acknowledged the fact that she had overstepped a boundary by touching him. Her consideration only made him like her more. 

Letting out a huff of breath, he eventually looked back up, holding her gaze with a half hearted shrug. “I know you’re one of the good ones...” He admitted. “At least Sirius thinks so... that’s all that matters to me.” Trying to picture Sirius as a child, attending lavish events, and standing with his back straight, felt impossible. It was in such stark contrast with the Sirius he knew. But he was grateful to hear Andromeda had been there to make things at least a little more bearable. Watching her carefully, he couldn’t decide whether her question was rhetoric. There was a melancholy expression on her face that he couldn’t place without context. Did she feel she was unworthy of love? It was a strange thing to consider. She seemed so confident. “I never said that.” He countered, refusing to give her anything more. He didn’t know whether he was deserving of love, all he could ever do was try to be, and hope that was enough. “And of course I’ve asked him. He gives me the same bloody answer every time.”

[swearwolfremuslupin]

afracturedstar​:-

“Cuz I know you, knobhead,” Sirius retorted, nostrils flaring in a huff of anger. “You aren’t having fun, and you aren’t having fun, anymore. You’re digging yourself deeper and deeper into your bloody self-despair, Remus, and you’re well killing yourself! You aren’t the only one, mate, with traumas and shit, but you gotta bloody well go on!” Heat coloured Sirius’ face now, as words and sentiments hurled out of him with passionate tilts and despair. It was opinions he had shared countless times before, yet it now felt unstoppable, maybe even more direct. Even if he should want to, he couldn’t stop them and he glared at his partner. “I’ve lost too many people to melancholia and despair, and I will not lose you, too. So what if Lily’s stuff won’t help? We’ll deal. As we always have.” He had reached for the collar that was bothering Remus, being more rough than necessary as he helped him ease it. As Sirius had done so many times himself when he had been forced to button up properly, and before, when he was even smaller, with Andromeda’s help. 

“He would. And you know why? Because he doesn’t put himself down all the time! You look smashing, but you’re so occupied with telling yourself that you’re lesser, that you’re unworthy, of making yourself a pity-party. Nothing will suit such a person.” Sirius brushed off Remus’s shoulder when he released the collar. “And there it is again. See? Fucking pity-party. You want me to think you’re beneath me? Maybe all these years of telling me that will be fruitful. You want that, huh? You want me to go to Gilderoy instead? Finish another chapter of ‘poor, poor Remus, see, life’s alwaaaays against him, bu-fucking-hu!” Sirius took a few steps backwards, towards the general direction of Lockhart. “Huh? I could have it all, Remus John Lupin. The world’s always been at my feet, ready to serve me.”

“Yeah? And what do you think going on looks like?” Remus bit out, angered by the fact that Sirius had dragged other people’s trauma into their conversation. Just because they weren’t spending the evening drinking, it didn’t mean they weren’t coping in other potentially self destructive ways. Why couldn’t he have one night? Just the one? Why couldn’t people allow him that much? Why did everything have to be so bloody difficult? He opened his mouth, ready to insist Sirius wasn’t losing him, but was caught off guard by the following statement. He wanted to vehemently argue his behaviour had nothing to do with Lily’s potions. But the truth was, ever since the dream, he had been scared. Scared that it might work, scared that it wouldn’t. Even so, he couldn’t see anything wrong with escaping for an evening, enjoying an event to get away from it all. Apparently Sirius, the master of avoiding his problems, didn’t agree. “And what if it does?” He couldn’t stop the words from escaping him. His voice was suddenly lacking in anger, filled with anxiety, the weight of a question that had been weighing on him since realising his symptoms were being eased. He swallowed, determined to stay composed despite his throat feeling like it was closing over. “Sirius, what if it does?” Flinching as Sirius reached for his collar, he felt far too vulnerable to be comfortable with hands so close to his neck. But he stared at his boyfriend, unable to back away from him. 

“A pity party?” He echoed the words, blinking tears from his eyes that stung with hurt, and frustration. Sirius was perhaps the only person who knew the sheer extent of what he went through each month. The damage Greyback had done, not only physically but mentally. Sirius had been there since he was eleven to see it, to witness it, to help, and support, soothe, and comfort. Yet the way he chose to deal with his struggles had been labelled a pity party. “Our entire fucking world tells me I’m lesser, Sirius. Every day of my life. Or do you not remember the essays we had to write in Third Year?” He lowered his voice so that he wouldn’t be overheard. “How to Identify and Kill a Werewolf? Remember that? Even like this- even as me, I’m just- just a threat. Something to celebrate destroying. You don’t see me that way, I know you don’t, but everybody else does. I want to believe you, I try so hard to believe you, but it isn’t that simple, and you know it isn’t.” Merlin, Sirius really could have it all. Somebody like Lockhart who was pretty, and accomplished. Interesting, and dripping with charisma. He could have money, comfort, maybe even a relationship that was stable. As Sirius took a step backwards, towards the party, towards Lockhart, it felt as though somebody had closed their fist around his heart. He couldn’t lose Sirius, and suddenly it felt like a genuine possibility. “Don’t-” He said, his voice sharp, his insecurity evident on his face. “Please.” He caught his boyfriend’s gaze, holding it for a second before a wave of emotion washed over him. Powerful, and all encompassing. He knew what he wanted, he knew what mattered most, and it was about to walk away from him. He was about to push it away. So, instead, he launched himself at Sirius. Unapologetically pulling him close by grabbing a handful of his suit, he crushed their lips together. Hungry,  passionate, and terrified. 

[swearwolfremuslupin]

regulusblacx​:.

Of course, on the deepest level, Regulus wished he could do what Remus was arguing him to do. He wished he could stride right up to Sirius and greet him, to pretend that the last near decade of their lives hadn’t been one slow deterioration of their brotherhood. But they’d both put up walls to protect themselves and it was only recent that Regulus was willing to lower them a few, to allow himself to feel like a little brother again. 

However, though Sirius might be his older sibling, Regulus still found himself with a duty to protect. Even from things Sirius might not see as dangerous, too blinded by love to see what Regulus saw in Remus. “I think those scars are a precise reminder of just what can go wrong,” Regulus retorted. He then let out a cold scoff, shaking his head in disbelief. “You think I haven’t taken it up with him? Tried to remind him how many bad decisions he enjoys to make, many of which put his life at risk?” 

Perhaps it was the alcohol that had him speaking so boldly, so unafraid to lack courteousness, but a fierce truth suddenly burned in him. His hand tightened around the glass. Regulus took a step closer to Remus, his icy eyes ready to melt straight through the other man. “If anything happens to my brother– if he is harmed or cursed in any way– I promise that I will make Fenrir Greyback look like a tame model citizen compared to what I’d do to you.”

Remus flinched, hurt to realise Sirius and Regulus had already discussed the nature of his condition. He shouldn’t be surprised, he could only assume Sirius had defended their relationship given the fact that he hadn’t mentioned the conversation, but the thought of it even taking place made him anxious. What if Regulus was finally the person to make Sirius see sense? Show him how much better his life would be without a boyfriend who became chronically ill every month. “You think I’m a bad decision.” He echoed the statement, unable to disagree with it. He believed Sirius wanted to be with him, though it had taken many years of his friends convincing him of the fact. But whether or not he was good for the man, whether or not Sirius deserved better, was something he always found himself questioning.  He glanced down at his hands, at the scars marking the skin of his wrists, barely visible beneath the hem of his sleeves. Regulus was right about one thing, they were proof of how vicious Moony could be. Only looking back up when Regulus took a sudden step towards him, his eyes widened, and he swallowed nervously, doing what he could to mask his fear. Even though he knew Regulus couldn’t hurt him, especially not somewhere so public, the look on his face was fierce. He meant what he said, there was no doubt in his mind that if Sirius got hurt, it wouldn’t matter who was to blame, or even who Sirius held responsible. If Moony was involved, Regulus was going to make him pay. The sound of Greyback’s name spoken so plainly caused his chest to tighten, and he clenched his hands into fists, determined to stay strong. To hold Regulus’ gaze. Even after so many years, he could still feel the ghost of Greyback’s teeth, tearing into his flesh, shattering his collarbone. He couldn’t imagine inflicting that pain onto another person, especially not a person he loved so unconditionally. “If any harm comes to Sirius I would do those things to myself.” He said quietly, his voice still holding an edge, but barely louder than a whisper. “I love your brother. And for better, or for worse, your brother loves me. You can’t change that. And I can’t change what I am.”

[swearwolfremuslupin]

afracturedstar​:

-

If it had been any other time, perhaps, Sirius would have dropped it. Wouldn’t have cared if Remus wanted to drink himself into oblivion - fuck, he’d prolly would encourage it. Remus was as allowed as himself to be young and dumb and he knew well the appeal of the alcohol masking any worry and thought you didn’t want to acknowledge. But that also gave Sirius the urge to protect Remus from it. It was one thing if Sirius handled life with disruption and recklessness, and one thing when Remus did. After all, he actually cared about Remus’ wellbeing. Wanted him to come out of all this as pure and whole and intact as he could. As long as he managed that, as long as he did his best not to let his boyfriend be too fucked up by war and conditions and general anxiety, he had done something good. “’s not you taking it easy. You taking it easy is you having fun whilst getting pissed. You aren’t having fun.” 

“You’re right,” Sirius said, too smoothly and agreeably. “He’s actually not been avoiding me like I carry the Black Death. He’s brilliant, isn’t he? Fame suits him. Looks mighty swell and all.” Sirius turned his gaze to Lockhart, the source of the party. It wasn’t a secret that Sirius was drawn to the lad’s charisma, and that he enjoyed the playful banter with him. But Sirius wouldn’t do anything than that, stepping away if the banter turned too close. Unlike the society he came from, he had no need or desire for affairs, as he was in a relationship of love rather than affairs. He would never cheat on Remus, yet the little thorns birthed from Remus’ frustration poked at his skin, irritating but oddly soothing. A breeze from the not so distant past, when they run around in their never-ending circles of hope and despair, love and scorn. It fed the cruel streak in him, whenever he was given the opportunity to use jealousy and the notion that Sirius could go pick up basically anyone he wanted (but so, Sirius believed Remus could too, even if his boyfriend didn’t understand that he was desirable too). And now it buzzed in him, the urge to change this cold irritation running through his blood into fiery anger. “Keep up, Remus. ‘s not so smart showing me that the grass is greener elsewhere. I do want fun, you know.” 

“How do you know I’m not having fun?” Remus demanded, realising how obsolete the question was the very moment it left his lips. “The only reason I’m not having fun is because my boyfriend is trying to tell me what I can, and can’t do.” He added. “And I haven’t been avoiding you.” Maybe he had intentionally walked in the opposite direction a couple of times, but only so that he could finish his drinks in peace. Following Sirius’ gaze to Lockhart, he felt a sudden rush of anger. Anger at himself for being stupid enough to suggest Gilderoy as a distraction, but anger at Sirius for entertaining the idea. He knew Sirius was trying to get a rise out him, but he couldn’t bring himself to hold back. To be the bigger person, and refuse to succumb. “Yeah, he looks great.” He muttered begrudgingly. “He’d probably be in with a chance of pulling off this ridiculous suit.” He tugged at the collar of the suit Sirius had chosen for him, making a show of being uncomfortable. In reality, he didn’t hate the suit. The fact that Sirius had chosen it for him was a comfort, a way for him to feel sure he looked as appealing, and put together as he possibly could. But now it felt like an easy jab. “The grass has always been greener elsewhere for you Sirius. You chose me anyway.” He snapped, reminded of the fact that Sirius would always be able to do better. He could find somebody whole, and healthy. Somebody human who was lacking trauma, anxiety, and a myriad of other issues that became all encompassing over time. He could leave at any moment, and then what would he have left? “If you’d rather have Gilderoy then fucking go...”

[swearwolfremuslupin]

medasgalaxy​:

Andromeda frowned trying to understand, Sirius was passionate, so maybe that entitled more fights than a regular couple. She didn’t want to assume things, maybe they could have a talk later about it. “I think everyone has a lot on their plates right now, I’m sure it can be worked out.” she was sincere, even if she didn’t understand their dynamics. 

Remus protectiveness made Andromeda smile, it was silly that that small gesture comforted her. “I know, I tried to be there, but… things were complicated.” she wasn’t excusing herself, she could have done better, but she didn’t know how to. “I’m glad he is allowing me to be part of it now. And that is why I wanted to talk to you, because I know you and James aren’t going anywhere, but specially you.” she pointed.

Seeing her demeanour change when touched and not being touched she felt bad about it. “I apologise, I shouldn’t be so familiar, I just saw you being uncomfortable, I didn’t mean to overstep.” she admitted, hoping that he didn’t take it the wrong way, she was trying to not be formal and cold like the rest of their family, but she went the other direction. “Besides, you might want to hide a love bite from Sirius and here I am exposing it to the world.” she tried teasing, hoping to lighten the mood. “Look, I might have missed a few years of Sirius’ life but I know one thing, he wouldn’t be with a boring and plain person. Why do you think so little of yourself?”

Remus stayed silent. He knew Andromeda was right, but admitting that felt too much like letting go of his anger. He and Sirius would eventually find a way to move past their disagreement, but he was valid in his frustration, and he was going to cling to it while he could. “I know things were complicated... are complicated.” He muttered. “He’s been through a lot. I just don’t want to see his family hurt him again.” He had been there to witness the aftermath. All of the Marauders had been. And in the same way James, Sirius, and Peter used to pick him up when he was down, he worked with them to do the same for Sirius. The damage was still there, wounds he wasn’t sure would ever fully heal, and he couldn’t bear to see anybody reopen them. Feeling a faint warmth spread outwards from his chest at Andromeda’s unexpected words, they managed to cut through his anger. Calming him somewhat. ...specially you. It was a reminder of the fact that he was committed to his boyfriend. That their friends, and family could see they were together for life. 

“Don’t be sorry.” He insisted, his tone lighter than it had been only moments before. “You didn’t overstep. You actually- you remind me of Sirius.” He let out a huff of breath that could almost, almost pass as a laugh. “...’m just not used to people getting close to me. Aside from my friends.”  A hesitant smile tugging at his lips, he rubbed absentmindedly at his neck. It had been years since any accidental hickeys but he could remember more than a few instances at school where concealer charms had been sheepishly utilised. “Please, give us some credit.” Catching his company’s eye, he began to lean into the conversation, allowing himself to enjoy it instead of actively holding Andromeda at arm’s length. There was no harm in talking to her, and it was actually proving to be a rather welcome distraction. But then she was asking a personal question, one he wasn’t prepared to answer honestly. To a certain extent, her observation made sense. Sirius, with all of his wild, recklessness, his desire for adventure, and determination to experience life, wouldn’t settle for somebody dull. How could he? But even knowing that didn’t convince him he was interesting. “It isn’t like that.” He countered. “I just... I’m being realistic. I don’t know what he sees in me.”

[swearwolfremuslupin]

medasgalaxy​:

“You were overdue? Do you plan to always have a fight with him?” it sounded wrong, she knew that al the couples had issues, but ‘waiting’ for a fight didn’t seem right. 

Andromeda wanted to understand the man next to her better, maybe she was overstepping but she wanted to be involved in Sirius’ life, and Remus had been in his life since they were 11 in one way or another, it was due time. “I thought we could get to know each other.” she replied, requesting Remus to hold her drink while she moved to unbutton the top of his collar and fixed the stiff part that was making Remus feel uncomfortable. “I don’t want to be a stranger in Sirius’ life, and you are part of his life. I might be pushing a little to hard, but I don’t want to leave him again.” she was never this honest, she didn’t feel the need to fight it, but felt weird about how easily it came out. “There, I think that should fix it.” she said more to herself than to him before noticing. “Oh fuck, I’m sorry,” way to scare the shit of a man you barely know, treating him like you would your own family, he’ll think you are bonkers.

Remus faltered, realising to somebody who wasn’t familiar with the dynamic of his relationship with Sirius, such a statement might be considered a genuine cause for concern. Without explaining their entire history, years, and years of break ups, and reconciliations, Andromeda couldn’t possibly hope to understand. “It’s nothing.” He muttered, hurrying to assure her there was no real reason for her to be concerned. “It isn’t like we plan to fight, we just... have a lot going on right now.” It wasn’t untrue, though they had definitely argued long before their lives became so complicated. His frown deepening at the explanation she offered, part of him wanted to hope. Wanted to believe her intentions were noble. But he didn’t trust the Black family, even the members of it actively considered blood traitors. Sirius had been hurt too many times for him to welcome his cousin with enthusiasm. “He was alone for a very long time.” He said, a protective edge to his voice. “If you mean that...” He trailed off before he could decide on how best to express his sentiment, flinching as Andromeda reached out to unbutton his collar. He wasn’t used to physical contact from strangers, and her hands were dangerously close to his collarbone. To the raised, ugly scar left by Greyback. His instinct was to pull away, but he didn’t. Taking her drink, he forced himself to relax, standing incredibly still until she eventually withdrew. Reaching up with his own hand after awkwardly returning her glass, he tugged at his collar again. It was far more comfortable now, and he suddenly felt like he could breathe. “I- uh... thanks.” He offered her a sheepish smile. The expression was weak, still clouded by worry, but genuine all the same. “Look, I’m sorry to disappoint, but there really isn’t much about me worth knowing.” 

[swearwolfremuslupin]

regulusblacx​:

“We had a brilliant night,” Regulus said in a tone that was uncharacteristically fond. He then blinked in surprise at his own honesty. It was a true statement but it somehow felt all too intimate to be sharing it with Remus, someone he barely knew, someone who knew Sirius all too well. All of Regulus’ feelings towards his brother were usually kept under lock and key, hidden behind a wall that very little had access to, even Regulus himself. He quickly sipped his drink to cover up the awkwardness.

Remus’ hostile voice was now beginning to grate on Regulus’ nerves. “No, I can’t. Last time I checked, we’re supposed to be sworn enemies, not the best of friends,” he said haughtily. What was Remus’ problem? Did a few drinks really make the other man forget just where their positions in society were? Just how many eyes were at this party, or how quickly gossip spread, or how many lives were at stake? “You’ve got a deadly condition and you’re shacked up with my brother, putting him at risk every month. That’s what I mean,” he hissed.

Remus was taken aback by the affection in Regulus’ tone. He had never heard his voice sound quite so soft before. It almost changed his perspective on the wizard, reminded him people were more complicated than cold or caring. They could be both. But it didn’t take long for the sharp edges to return, for the expression on his company’s face to become the carefully organised disinterest he was familiar with. He wanted to continue arguing his case, to take out his frustration on Sirius’ brother because it was easy. Because he was there. But the more Regulus countered his accusations, the harder it was to make his case. To find counter points, logic that was applicable to the situation. Regulus was right. It was for the best that he avoid Sirius, at least for tonight. If given the chance, he might even have vocalised the sentiment, albeit begrudgingly. Swallowed his pride, and admitted he was picking a fight for the sake of picking a fight. But then Regulus spoke again, and his words cut right through him. Hitting him where he felt the most vulnerable. A guilt he had long since buried reared its ugly head in response. 

Every argument he and Sirius had suffered through as teenagers came flooding back to him. He still remembered the day the Marauders had pitched their idea, encouraging him to be open to them joining him for full moons in their respective Animagus forms. Even now he sometimes questioned his sanity for entertaining them. For allowing them to even come close to Moony. But he was older now, experienced. He knew, as well as Sirius, and James, that as long as they continued to be careful, they continued to be safe. They were grown men, they could make their own decisions when it came to their safety and wellbeing. It was his instinct to take responsibility, but years of talking to them about his fears, and concerns had taught him to reject that. To remind himself they wanted to be with him. “You think I got these scars by letting myself run wild?” He hissed, lowering his voice for fear of being overheard. “I’m not an idiot. I’m careful.” He wanted to insist Sirius stayed well away from him during full moons, wanted to tell Regulus he kept the two parts of his life as separate as he possibly could. He couldn’t bring himself to lie, though. As easy as it would be. He knew, if he was in Regulus’ position, he would probably feel the same way. Merlin, sometimes he felt the same way regardless. “Take it up with Sirius if you’re so worried. He can make his own fucking decisions.” 

[swearwolfremuslupin]

mighty-prongs​:

Remus didn’t have to thank them, they loved him, of course they would want to help in every way they could. Maybe there wasn’t a cure to lycanthropy but there should be at least a better way to live with it, and that was what Lily and James were moving forward to, a cure for one day, but at the moment just making Remus feel less crappy was something they would happily take. 

Harry understood what his uncle meant, just by being near mum and dad felt nice, being around his uncles felt nice too, so many hugs and biscuits were magical too and Uncle Moony actually felt better. He took the little piece of wood and nodded, “Okay,” he replied tucking the piece in one of his little pockets, so he wouldn’t forget. 

James couldn’t believe he was the father of someone so great. Yes, Lily was amazing, but Harry… there were no words how to describe him. They taught him to be kind and to always protect his loved ones, but sometimes the little guy went above and beyond and it made James so proud and lucky to be called Harry’s dad. 

After hugging Remus, Harry, came back with a book for them to read, and wanting to listen to more stories from his uncle. The little guy almost didn’t made it to the last story and closed his eyes, drifting into slumber, just happy to be with his dad and uncle for the afternoon, tired of their adventures. “Give him, I’ll put him to bed and then we can talk some more.” James requested as he was almost standing to get Harry of Remus’ lap. 

Days with James and Harry often felt like a blur. Remus always found himself so caught up in the domesticity of it that he lost track of time in the greatest possible way. It was only when James insisted on taking Harry to bed that he realised it was no longer the afternoon. A quick glance at his watch told him it was now well into the evening. Looking down at Harry, who was sleeping peacefully with his head in his lap, he ran his fingers through his shock of black hair one more time, before shifting so that James could comfortably pick him up. He was like a rag doll. Limbs hanging limp, mouth open even as his fist dozily grabbed a handful of his father’s shirt. “Goodnight, Harry.” He whispered, smiling as the toddler was carried to bed. Taking the opportunity to push himself up off of the ground, he shook out his limbs in the absence of his friend, wincing a little at the pain in his joints. What he would give to feel as peaceful, and content as Harry looked. By the time James returned, he had managed to make himself comfortable on the sofa, allowing his exhaustion to show now that he no longer needed to hide it. He wanted James to do the same. The man had been through a lot, and with Harry safely in bed, this was the perfect opportunity to support him. To listen, and encourage him to talk about everything he had experienced. “Be honest with me, James.” He said, making it clear he was expecting an open discussion. James never needed to hide anything from he, and a reminder of that wouldn’t hurt. “Talk to me.”

[swearwolfremuslupin]

medasgalaxy​:

“I was…” she trailed off, this seemed more awkward than she anticipated, was he trying to avoid her on purpose? Did Sirius asked him to? Maybe she was ready too much into the situation, after all, even if she knew Sirius and her were getting closer, there were still years that she missed of him growing up, maybe they weren’t as closed as she would have imagined?

There she was trailing off, again, she had a mission, better stick to that. 

“You aren’t? What happened?” she was genuinely concerned, she might have wanted to know Remus intentions but she didn’t want to hear they were broken up, she was actually rooting for them to be happy. 

Sober, Remus might have felt a spark of anxiety at the admission. If one of Sirius’ relatives had actively sought him out, there had to be a reason. Something they were hoping to discover, or discuss. But in his current state, he only felt frustration. Shrugging off the question, he hesitantly caught Andromeda’s eye. She certainly wasn’t one of the terrifying Blacks. If he was going to have to talk to one of them, he knew he should be grateful that it was her. “He’s being a hypocrite.” He muttered. “But I guess we were overdue an argument so...” He ran a clumsy hand through his hair before tugging at the collar of the ridiculous suit Sirius had chosen for him. “Is there a reason you were looking for me?” He added, figuring he may as well.

[swearwolfremuslupin]

regulusblacx​:.

Regulus narrowed his eyes at Remus, taking in the sarcasm with a studious yet curious expression. The other man must have already been a few drinks in for him to be speaking to Regulus in such a way, as up until now, he’d restrained himself from such comments. In an odd, endearing way, he almost reminded Regulus of Sirius. “He practically dragged me out of my home. You know how he is– difficult to say no to once he’s gotten an idea,” he shook his head.

“Right,” Regulus scoffed into his glass, taking a hefty swig. He could feel the alcohol tinting his thoughts and body, the sensation of being both light and sluggish, yet loosened up. Perhaps it was those sensations that pushed Regulus into saying bitingly, “I cannot simply go up to him and strike a chat. Surely you’ve noticed who this place is crawling with?” He snorted. “Unlike you, I intend to keep my brother safe.”

“Hm, that definitely sounds like Sirius.” Remus agreed. On any other night he might have said those words with affection, but his current tone was laced with petulant irritation. Rolling his eyes when Regulus pointed out he couldn’t approach Sirius for a genuine conversation, he let out a huff of breath. “No shit.” He muttered. “But nothing is stopping you from acknowledging his existence. You can’t say hi when you walk by him? It isn’t exactly difficult.” He wasn’t sure why he was being so defensive, why he was zeroing in on Regulus’ treatment of his brother when he was sure Sirius wasn’t upset by the lack of contact. Regulus was right about the crowd consisting of important people. People he needed to be careful in front of. Everybody in the Order understood what was expected of them in public. For a brief moment, he wondered whether he was being too unfair. Picking a fight because he was drunk, and emotional, and didn’t know what else to do. But then Regulus made a biting comment he hadn’t been expecting, and he felt his hackles raise. “And what’s that supposed to mean?” He demanded. He would die for Sirius, there was nothing he wouldn’t do to keep his boyfriend safe from the world. Protecting him, supporting him, sometimes felt like the only thing he was ever actually good at, even if they did argue on occasion. The thought of Regulus thinking otherwise left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

[swearwolfremuslupin]

medasgalaxy​:

Andromeda frowned looking at the younger man, she knew that they weren’t exactly close, but it seemed that her company bothered him and it made Andromeda feel even more uncomfortable than she was, but she remembered why she was talking to Remus. She wanted to get to know him better.

“I’m not, I was looking for you.” she replied, looking at him. “I thought I could take this opportunity to get to know my cousin’s boyfriend, but it seems I’ve done something to offend you?” she wasn’t sure, but it felt like Remus didn’t like her, which she tried to push away as she tried to have a conversation with the younger man, of course it wouldn’t go smoothly, they barely spoke before.

Remus couldn’t hide his surprise. He raised his eyebrows, turning to look look at Andromeda properly. “You were?” He asked, the words falling from his lips before he realised the question was void. The idea of one of Sirius’ relatives taking the time to get to know him when he was not only drunk, but incapable of processing the conversation made him nervous. But the champagne in his system successfully repressed any anxiety her explanation seemed to conjure in him. He was fine. Everything was fine. “No, you haven’t...” He rushed to assure her, regretting the initial tone he had taken. Regulus already disliked him. The last thing he needed was another Black not on his side. “It isn’t that. I’m just-” He let out a huff of breath, tapping his fingers against the side of his glass. “Sirius and I aren’t exactly having a good time right now. That’s all.” 

[swearwolfremuslupin]

mighty-prongs​:

They tried to explain things to Harry the best they could, they couldn’t exactly explained everything to the three year old because even if they wanted Harry to understand they also wanted him to preserve some of his childhood innocence. Remus could explain better to Harry what was being him, how he felt, and how he needed to prepare for things, and all they could do was prepare Harry to accept his uncle with an open heart, and just seeing how the little kid wanted to help cure him James knew that they were doing a good job. 

James swallowed hard, allowing his emotions to stay in control in front of Harry, he didn’t want to make him upset about making two old men cry. “Lily has been working hard on the potions, we explained to Harry that the moon makes you sick. I guess it caught his attention.” he explained, looking at Harry who didn’t take his eyes from Remus. 

“Mummy and Daddy are always working to make uncle Moo’ey feel good, I want to help.” the little kid did and frowned, he wasn’t liking that the moon cheese didn’t work. 

“That’s a great idea, lad, but maybe it needs to be cooked into something else. I’ll ask mummy to add it in the potions to make Uncle Moony feel better.” he offered his son, wanting to give him a little hope, they were getting close, but Harry could be stubborn and he didn’t want him to get discouraged that this was a long shot. He wanted to give his son room to talk and express himself. “You know what also helps healing people? Your wonderful hugs, how about you give one to uncle Moony?” he offered to Harry, who complied, he loved giving hugs to his uncle, and Daddy said he felt better after his hugs, maybe they were magical hugs?

“I’m okay, Harry. Really.” Remus insisted, still trying to contain his emotion. He offered Harry a smile, taking another bite of his moon cheese for good measure. “You know when you don’t feel very well, and your mum and dad wrap you up in blankets, and make you hot coco, and give you big hugs that make you feel as though nothing bad could ever happen to you? You always feel better after a couple of days, don’t you? That’s what your mum and dad do for me too. I always feel better after a couple of days.” Catching James’ eye, he tried to silently convey his gratitude. He had voiced it far too many times for the words to carry any weight, but regardless he knew James understood. Handing the wooden block back to Harry at James’ suggestion, his smile grew. “I think that sounds like a great idea.” He agreed. “Maybe you can keep it safe for me until then?” 

Opening his arms the moment it became clear Harry was going to stumble into them, he barely got off of his broom before throwing himself into the embrace. Before attending Hogwarts, Remus wasn’t ashamed to admit he had been touch starved. He didn’t know how good physical affection could feel. After years of building courage, confidence, and trust, touching his friends came so easily. But a hug from Harry meant more to him than he would ever be able to put into words. He was being trusted by somebody innocent, somebody who hadn’t been tainted by the cruel, discriminatory views of Wizarding society. All Harry wanted was to love him, to help him. And all he wanted to do was the same in return. Wrapping his arms firmly around his little body, he lifted him playfully off of the ground. Harry giggled, kicking his feet until he was lowered again. Resting his chin on top of Harry’s head, he caught James’ eye again, wondering how they had ever come to be so lucky.