pick pick pick

I'm Jess I'm 28 and have been aware of my picking since I was 15. This is a space where dermotillomania is acknowledged and empathy can be found. Be strong!♡

[sweet-speckles]

So... It's been two weeks since I dug a hole I to my forehead

I have left it alone to heal... Maybe only getting it once or twice in that time. I have also been working hard to leave the rest of my face alone too.

Although tired (sorry about the eye bags haha) , I am proud of how my face is looking at the moment.

It just goes to show that even when you pick, it might make you feel horrible and upset afterwards... But it is important to remind yourself that your scars will heal with love and patience. I have taken away those little tools that end up in my bathroom, and I am being more mindful about how much time I spend in front of the mirror.

I'm proud of myself for leaving my face alone and letting it heal for once.

[sweet-speckles]

Super disappointed

I litteraly just dug a hole into my forehead 😧

It doesn't look like much in the photo but it is swollen and hurts a lot.

I have been doing so well up until recently... And all of a sudden I'm picking like crazy.. Like I'm losing control...

I know I need to stop... But it's so hard to

I need to be more mindful while I'm in front of mirrors and keep working towards little wins....

But I can't sulk around forever...

I put on my fave pair of jeans that make my ass look amazing, threw on a top that makes my skin glow, mashed some makeup over my skin and I'm already feeling better... Ready to take on the day!

[sweet-speckles]

It's been a while

So I haven't written in a while. I was living overseas and travelling. I deleted the tumblr app from my phone so I could be more present while I traveled.

Anyway, I'm back home now and I have been thinking about this blog recently. I am going through a really low patch in my life and my urge to pick is intense.

I think I'm going to get back into it and be more mindful of how I treat myself. Not only am I battling with derma, but I am also facing depression, anxiety and ptsd. These things come and go in waves and at the moment they are strong and are having an effect on my derma.

I am open to talk if anyone wants to.

[sweet-speckles]

Something amazing just happened!

I just had a shower… and I didn’t pick a single spot!!! I’m so pleased with this little victory♡ I know tomorrow might be another story… but today, I can feel proud.

It feels so good ♡

[sweet-speckles]

Uhh... those feels when you're getting ready for a big interview... Didn't do too badly though... I only picked at three spots before stopping How easy would it be to get ready if I wasn't taken over by the need to pick at my skin?! ... that would be nice... Not all for nothing though... I did well in the interview and it looks like I have a job/ house for whwn I move... So that's nice My triggers for this stuff is definitely stress/ anxiety related... that can be hard to keep under control sometimes... but it doesn't mean its impossible. I will keep celebrating these little moments of success and continue to work on my need to pick.

[sweet-speckles]

Happy 2018 ♡ I'm pretty sure this tumblr started as a 2017 new years type thing... and when I made it, it was partly to record my ups and downs with derma and partly to share my story with others who are in a similar boat...to connect I'm actually proud of how far I have come with my derma in the past year... there have been both good days and bad... but overall my mental health is becoming more stable and my urges to pick are becoming easier to break from. This year, I will continue to break free from my compulsions ♡ I would like to encourage everyone who reads this to keep going! It's a long road... but your goals can be achieved ♡ Stay strong ♡

[sweet-speckles]

Off to coffee with some of my oldest friends ♡ It’s great to see them because they love me for who I am… and don’t mind about my spots. I dont feel the need to always wear a full face of makeup when I see them. I have been trying so hard lately with my compulsions... I'm feeling a little proud 😊 ♡ Also if you have any questions/ just want to chat, please feel free to message me. I know dermatillomania can feel isolating sometimes… but know I am happy to chat ♡

[sweet-speckles]

So… im feeling (and looking) good 😊 10 year school reunion was terrible… so much small talk and people i wanted to avoid… but my friend and i bailed and went dancing instead ♡ I wore makeup over on my face... but left my other scars alone... nobody mentioned anything about them... that made me feel pretty good. My nails are growing and i only have minimal spots on my face. My mental state is more balanced than usual ♡ definitely something to celebrate!

I want to keep this up! Also… only two months until I move to Canada♡ scared but excited!

[sweet-speckles]

I have managed to minimise nail picking!♡ I never get them long enough to get the white bits... I've been working hard, and it is paying off 😊 However, I am finding nails to be a challenge when it comes to picking... i was focusing on not picking my face... to let it heal... but it looks like my poor leg copped it instead. I will have to be more mindful of my picking habbits. .. i would love to let my skin heal ♡ I would love to be scar free♡ i will work hard to reach these goals♡ P.s. if anyone has some great skin healing magic... please feel free to let me know your secrets :p

[sweet-speckles]

I have my highschools 10 year reunion next weekend… My goal is to leave my skin alone as much as possible ♡ I am so anxious about going… i wasn’t even going to go.. but my friend has asked for my support.

Wish me luck!

[sweet-speckles]

I’m so self conscious of my spots today… I don’t know what happened… I just woke up filled with anxiety and dread this morning. I didn’t get a good sleep… that is probably contributing to part of it… and also the fact that in two months I’ll be moving to Canada… I guess I’m stressed… I hope to get through today with minimal damage.

I did an obstacle race last weekend… and as I am allergic to dust… My skin has broken out all over :( im trying my best to leave it all alone… ...................................................................... Edit: I only picked a little today… and when I got to work I forgot all about my skin. I work in a kindy, where kids will love you for who you are and not what you look like… they are so sweet and loving that they made me forget about my worries for a little while ♡

[sweet-speckles]

Im 27 Today I decided not to cover up my spots. I’m still wearing makeup on my lips and eyes… but not over my face. I feel good in my skin today… it’s a nice change ♡ After my little setback last week, I haven’t been so confident… but today I decided to embrace who I am at this point in my life. I am Jess I am 27 I am living with dermatillomania I have spots and scars on my face I am beautiful I am intelligent I am a dork I love who I am ♡

[sweet-speckles]

Challenge: leave the tiny spot alone

My body flipped out this week and I got my period randomly and my face decided to grow a coldsore. (Too much info and gross i know.. sorry)

I want to leave it alone… but i am also driven to dig and pick until the “imperfection” is gone.

My goal for the next few days is to breathe and move past the compulsion to pick… wait for the feeling to leave… I know it won’t last… I just need to be strong!♡

Wish me luck♡

Lets keep a count… Monday: x2 picks (not bad… i want to do better though…) Tuesday: x2 picks (c'mon Jess, let it heal)

[sweet-speckles]

I ONLY PICKED ONE SPOT THIS MORNING!!

I know today is one of my better days for picking… but I’ll celebrate any success♡

I looked in the mirror. .. and the urge to pick took over… I picked at one spot and then decided to stop!

I even got to work early… that never happens. ..

I’m super proud of this little achievement ♡

[sweet-speckles]

My kitty Luna and I are not morning creatures… but I am off to Disney on Ice today ♡ So here are some photos…

It has been a relatively calm week for me, So I thought I’d share one of the ways I calm myself down of im feeling anxious, or my mind won’t stop racing…

It’s only 5 steps…

Once you notice that you are anxious, shaking or picking at skin there are five things to count down.

5: Name 5 things you can see 4: Name 4 things you can feel 3: Name 3 things you can hear 2: Name 2 things you can smell 1: Take a deep breath, hold and release

Recognising your warning signs before they take over is the hardest part… becoming aware of your heart rate rising, breaths becoming shallow, or that buzzing feeling that runs through your body will help you tune into yourself and start the calm down steps sooner rather than only noticing once you are already overwhelmed. Your mind may wander… and thats ok, but recognise this and bring it back to the countdown… take your time… I like to challenge myself amd freeze my movements until the countdown is finished… what can i feel without reaching out and touching something? Heart rate? Warm breath from my nose flowing over my top lip? The texture of the clothes you are wearing? Sometimes I do the countdown once and need to do it again… sometimes it works quickly…

This is just how I tune into my body, to ground myself and to recognise that I am safe in my body and in my surroundings…

Stay strong ♡

[sweet-speckles]

Hmmm… photo day at work today, My spots didn’t want to work with the concealer, so… this is how I ended up..

Leading up to photo day led me to become anxious about my spots and appearance… I didn’t quite want to wear a full face of makeup but I went with it… after I got to work, I settled and accepted that the spots are part of who I am at the moment. I realised that I don’t have a good idea of what I actually look like… between obsessing in the mirror over “imperfections”, and looking at edited photos of myself… I don’t quite know how i see myself.

I guess in a way, this blog is helping me. I would usually never post photos revealing my spots or without editing them first. Its scary, but its also nice that I am becoming more accepting of myself and more confident in my own skin.

As always, be kind And stay strong ♡

[sweet-speckles]

#HeartOnMySleeve An outstretched hand to let you know you are not alone in this world. I am here (living with depression, anxiety, ptsd and bfrb dermatillomania) and I am offering my ear if you would like to talk ♡ Stay Strong! ♡ http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/programs/hack/heart-on-my-sleeve/8579328