Iāve never really been the kind of woman to always put my all into every
relationship or āsituationshipā. It takes a lot to really get my attention. Iām
definitely one of those sapiosexual individuals. There is nothing more simulating
than a guy that can grab my attention through conversation. Being able to talk
about life with someone on a deeper level is everything for me. Being able to vibe
with someone intimately, not just sexually, but intimately is such a promising
feeling. Now there are other factors that determine what causes me to want to
stay or go. I want to talk about one of my relationship experiences. The highs and
the lows and what burns the fire out. I feel that when we can share experiences it
gives us all different perspectives of things we may not understand. For one, me
writing my true feelings and for you reading my experiences that may or may not
be like yours.
There was this one guy I dated in my neighborhood some time ago. I had a
very strong attraction to him even before we spoke to one another. And I knew
he liked me too. Sometimes you can almost feel when a person likes you. It
sounds strange but when you pay attention to key signs and intuition you can pick
up on the vibes. We eventually (years later) began to speak to one another. We
were both painfully shy but the feelings between us were intense. I donāt know
why, but there was no denying it. There have been very few times in my life
where I have had a strong pull towards someone for no obvious reasons. It draws
me in, makes me curious and leaves me needing to be with this person to
understand what it is about them that woke up something that must me deep
inside of me. We started off good, got to know each other and went out a few
times. He made it clear to me at some point that he wanted to be with me and
had every intention to make that happen. I never really had the time to process
what it was that I wanted from him. I didnāt know. I had no intention of going that
far because I never really cared to let anyone in because I didnāt trust anyone with
the vulnerable parts of my soul. Sometimes I feel as women we donāt give
ourselves the time to consider what is worth it to us. We just go with the flow
because the person that is pursuing us made their decision and maybe we feel we
must oblige because of how they feel instead of how we feel. Anyways, I didnāt
agree to be his but I basically tried to put myself in what I thought would be a safe
space by saying āletās just see where this goes.ā
The problem with seeing where things goes is, if you already have feelings,
the only place you can go is deeper. I thought I was slick. I thought I was safe. But
when you spend so much time with a person you basically become a part of this
person. A title does not matter. Itās all an experience based on emotions and
feelings. The problem that I had with this person was that as time passed a lot
about his character wasnāt adding up. When I first met him, he told me stories
about a very rough life. Iām an empath and a woman so I felt for him deeply. I
have this complex about myself that makes me feel like I always need to save
somebody. I feel especially us women, we always feel the need to save men. Like
we REALLY try to be their backbone (or rib for the matter). But as the layers began
to unpeel I realized what I was getting myself into and felt my mind stepping on
the breaks. But because my heart was already in it, it kept on going. I continued
keeping myself in limbo while questioning him to his face about his actions and
his character.
At some point, I became aggressive. Not physically, but I would be at home
thinking like nothing about him is adding up. I donāt even know who Iām really
dealing with. And every time I tried to express myself he offered me know real
explanation. I became in furious with him because I wanted to completely let him
go and act as if he didnāt exist because I didnāt want to be bothered with his
bullshit. But I could not. I was in too deep. He was lying to me a lot. And it may
have been to protect me but, I am not a child. I am a grown woman that he
wanted to be with yet he felt the need to hide from me. I canāt imagine being with
someone and spending most of time, emotions and my body with this person and having to hear something negative about them through someone else. Something
that I should have known first so that I could protect myself, be aware and have
an actual response.
Things quickly became ugly on my end. When Iām hurt I will say whatever I
can say to hurt you just as bad. Not one of my best traits but when I feel beaten up emotionally and I canāt deal with it there needs to be some sort of transfer of
energy and I need you to feel what I feel. I need you to understand this is not
okay. I became a smart ass with a mouth full of daggers. And if itās one thing Iām
good at, itās hurting feelings. When I become cold you wonāt win. I promise. When
the fuel is coming from a place of hurt Itās reckless.
When all was said, and done and I look back at everything that had
transpired between us and I realized how hurt I was and that it had gotten neither
of us anywhere. And at that point I knew It was time to put my heart and
emotions to the side to think rationally and make an executive decision. He
wasnāt prepared for me to let go. But I wasnāt happy. What he had to offer was
not good enough for me. And I was done. Itās never easy to let go, but I know I
would hurt more staying with someone that may never get it and then miss out
on what I may have been looking for. I do believe that we are placed in each
otherās lives for a reason and there was definitely a lesson for both of us to learn. I
pray he learns his lessons. I feel I learned mine. Iāll always have love for him, but I
am still in pursuit of what I am looking for.
andulkaphoto
prguitarman
snowghoul
baratheonpilled