A toxic mix, depression, a big soft heart, a cruel sarcastic husband. I know and see the potential of a beautiful life on my own and day dream of leaving, getting divorced and just being alone. It's sad when a relationship or marriage makes you feel you no longer wish to be in another relationship. I can't believe I feel this way. I also feel sad that my depression is surfacing. I search for jobs, a new apartment, solo vacations and an easy, painless way to commit suicide. I think of my children, I force myself to keep it together. It's not fair to them. I have to keep going. I'm tired. Mostly tired of being spoken to so rudely. Tire of spiteful words. Tired of being the fool. I give the wrong person chances. I need to give myself a chance, a chance to live life the way I'd live to...in Peace...no fighting, no stress, no physical or emotional abuse. I can't and won't take it anymore. I want a divorce but I keep trying to work on my marriage. How dumb is that, to give someone chances that don't last. Am I the problem, if it's me, then I need to go. I don't want to be someone's problem or unhappiness. I also don't want the rest of my life being spoken to rudely or looking at a husband that stares at his phone and video games. I show my appreciation, I take care of my husband as a wife should out of love and care. That being said. I believe I am no longer in love. Feelings of being in love have gone from me. I can barely stand his touch yet I know I wish to be held and touched and looked at. My relationship makes me tired of life. I have never felt so badly about how I allow myself to stay after broken ribs, being thrown down, shoved, dragged by my hair, my hair being pulled so hard my scalp bleeds, bruises from being grabbed and hit so hard... being cursed at and calls names for crying, being lied to and belittled. I could never tell all this to a soul if I planned to live. Maybe part of me is already dead. I am, I am dead inside. So I either need to do this or leave and start a new life. He's threatening to sue for alimony...I have nothing. I need to leave with nothing or just leave this world. I'm lost. I'm a facade.
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