Not getting my fucking FINANCIAL AID for uni. Bloated. Hair knotted. Breaking out. And my room’s a mess. And I still have to go to work in a few. Might just end it cuz what the hell
Not getting my fucking FINANCIAL AID for uni. Bloated. Hair knotted. Breaking out. And my room’s a mess. And I still have to go to work in a few. Might just end it cuz what the hell
Right now i need a fat blunt in between my lips a twisted tea in my left hand and a hot 6'5 short tempered man in the right hand and then i just maybe i can go to sleep
tw: mentions of ed/ana, sh, and ed culture below the cut:
The thoughts have never gone away. Even now i still feel like im constantly being plagued by unrelenting thoughts. I have much more self-control now, much more discipline and awareness but i still just can’t seem to let my thoughts fully leave my mind. To let these tendencies, principles, ideas, and beliefs to leave my heart.
Anytime i see someone relatively smaller than me or just having a feature i want; it could be anything, from better hair, a better waist, a thinner nose, healthier hair, bigger eyes, bigger lips, just prettier i have the incurable urge to completely kill myself.
Not physically, i don’t really have that urge now (mostly) but rather completely tear apart who i am. And even then i don’ t know that.
Sometimes the only thing that really makes me happy and content is the feeling of my stomach caving in on itself after not having eaten for some time. Then I mentally slap myself and think i shouldn’t be so stupid. But still. It makes me wonder if this feeling will ever go away. How do people diet and exercise without crossing a line and falling into a deep hole; without feeling the indescribable urge to lose all control of yourself and give in, become the worst possible version of yourself; to slowly kill yourself while simultaneously feeling like shit and THE shit?
I don’t think this feeling will ever really leave me. I almost miss that time of my life. I didn’t really have a strong sense of who i was or who i wanted to be; all i knew was that as long as i had no control over my future i wanted as much control over my autonomy. As much as possible. Only i could be the one to decide when and how much i ate. Only i could be the one to decide whether I’d slit my wrists or swallow an obscene amount of pills in hopes it’d kill me.
I’m better now, of course. I know not to do that and that my life is valuable and I can enjoy life and let go of that mindset. But I’m not sure i will ever love anything or anyone as much as I love the nostalgia from that time of my life. I hope there’s more out there for me but I’m not sure of that anymore. Then again, I’m never really sure of anything.
Thank you to everyone who got me to 100 likes!!! I’ve only had this blog since the beginning of the month but it’s been so cutesy and fun!! Such a perfect place to overshare<33
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