"Emotions and Memories of Past" - Aftermath Part 2
Summary: Y/N is a member of the inner circle, sister to Rhysand and Cassian, best friend of Azriel. After the war and opening up to Azriel; she is now going on a mission, and needs to face another past.
Warnings: Kidnapping, torture, death, mention of mental illness, blood, mentions of wing cutting, graphic (sorta?)
Author’s note: Part 2 is here, and it’s kinda long and angsty. First of all thank you to everyone who has liked part 1. Secondly, if you didn’t read part 1, I highly suggest you do so to have a base for this one and the next. Comments are open to all suggestions, ENJOY!
“Are you ready?” I said standing in the balcony, ready to take flight
“Always” came an excited response
The city of Velaris is beautiful at night, flying next to Y/N always made my mind go quiet
“You're falling behind”, you said, flying in front
“More like letting you win”
“Then catch me if shadowsinger” came a voice full of smiles
Azriel smiles at the memory; how long has it been since you two have flown together without worry, maybe before Amarantha?
Dawn cracking, Azriel stepped onto the training ground. It was an hour before Cassian was here, he started with his usual warmup
Shadow whispering, Azriel didn’t need to turn his back to see his brother walking
“You're up early” Ariel says, continuing with squats
“Yeah, figured both of us needed this” Cassian joins in, and starts with stretches
“What do you mean, brother?” Azriel stops mid squat and looks at him
“You're barely here, brother” Cassian huffs “Any free time you have, you're helping Elain,” Cassian responds, not bothering to look at Azriel, his focus on the high kicks
“What? Is that what I am doing? Wait, is that Y/N was so distant…. No, it can't be, I am always here for her, surely she knows that-- right?
Azriel goes down and starts with a plank “Yeah well, Rhys asked me to look after her”
“There is a difference between looking after and practically being her shadow” Cassian grunts up, holding his leg high
Azriel, falls his brother's words surprised him
Cassian, amused, turns towards Azriel, stopping his stretches, “Oh come on, you have to know that Az”. He puffs and offers a hand to him, Azriel takes it “Tell me one thing, brother” voice serious, “Do you love her?”
Azriel goes silent, his shadows quite
Do I love Elain? I don’t know, what I feel for her is it love? I don’t have much experience in that. He remembers what Rhys told him, loving someone is not just attraction, it is also peace of mind and heart. I don’t think my mind has been quite with her.
Azriel gets out of his stupor “Honestly, I don’t know” and with that truth, they began sparring.
You jerk up from bed, the sound of clashing swords waking you up. You get moving, seeing from your bedroom window the two Illyrian soldiers, you smile at the image in front of you, the normalcy in it, Maybe I’ll ask Feyre to paint it; with that thought, you get moving, to start a very, very long day
“Good morning” You sing, taking a seat at the dining table
“Morning, sweets” Cassian says, out of full oatmeal, one eyebrow raised
You scoff, “Swallow first, brother”, You feel a tug on your foot, looking down at the shadow creeping up your leg, you allow it
“You look ready to leave” Noticing your Illyrian leathers, Azriel points to your daggers “Exactly what manner is this mission?”
Swallowing, you say, “Hmmm, a level 5 or 6 , maybe” You take another bite
“Where will you be going?” Cassian asks, interested in this mission
You're quiet for a second, “Illyria” You confidently reply, not letting the past bother you
You take your gaze off your plate to the males sitting with you, Cassian's face alarmed, Azriel’s face unreadable but eyes full of fear and rage.
You sigh, “Don’t you two please, have some faith in me” You try to assure them “Brother, you taught me well” You say, looking at him “and Az, have a little confidence in your training!, you know I won’t get caught”
“But, you were” Azriel's voice barely on leash
“That was ages ago, I have grown since then, and also -see?” You take out the faebane antidote from your pocket “All prepared” you hum
Cassian let out a loud breath “Do you have to go alone? At least let me handle Devlon”
“Cassian” You look in his eyes and you let him see the need to go alone to go from here, even if it's to Illyria, a second passes by
You get up, “I should get going” with that, you leave
Flying towards Windhaven, you can’t help but think about, what happen the last time you came here alone. You didn’t say the whole story to anyone-
You were tied in some sort of dungeon, eyes blinded, sharp, piercing pain consumed you, dullness, sudden dizziness, and intense pain. No, no you knew what this was
“This whore thinks she better and stronger” a male voice said “Just because of a little magic and wings”
“W-what” You said, voice like gravel “Faebane” You concluded, struggling with the last energy you had left, too panicked, your mind wasn’t yours at the time. No this can't be, my magic, I can’t reach for it, Is this how it’ll end for me?
At least you knew the kidnappers will also not survive this, your family will destroy them. Family, your family, you can’t leave them, not like this, and Gods, Azriel, no, you couldn’t go before you tell him, no you refuse to give up like this. Az-Azriel he taught you well how to get out of the situation.
“Hmmm” Another male voice came ”We did get rid of her magic, wings on the other hand”, The second male voice said “I think I am going to enjoy keeping them, you know” You feel a hand grabbing your chin “ You know, as a trophy”
Utter PURE RAGE filled you, but you had to be patient, you trying to move but fail
“Oh, bird that is not gonna work” the second male said “I should get things prepared, you know, trapped birds’ wings are cut”
Fearmixes up with the rage you felt
You wait, for the coast to get clear, your hearing trying to pick up how many are near you, silence, you thank the mother before you began-
You move your bound hands to the wall behind to loosen the grip of whatever held them, pain so much pain, skin tearing, but you succeeded, the bonds were loose, and you broke them. The smell of blood hits you. And before you realised you moved intentionally, yanking your right wing, shredding it, sheer agonising pain, but you need to move. With your hands free, you remove the blinds, you check your surroundings, nobody. Breaking the rope that bound your feet and some kind of pin to your left wing, you leave
“You bitch” A voice came familiar one the first male, he launches towards you, years of training and instinct guides you.
The male was big, not someone you can’t handle, you move, grabbing him by his arm using his own weight to your advantage and flipping him on his back to the ground. Next, you cover his mouth with one hand, and put your body weight on his legs, noticing a dagger at his waist, you grab it with you other hand and plunge it into his heart.
Good, now you have a weapon. Sudden blinding pain from your wing, you take a look, horror fills in your eyes Madja, she’ll heal it she will you tear the male’s shirt from his dead body and bind your wing so that the blood stops gushing No flying from here.
Mother might have been watching over you, because there was nobody else. You get out and see the night sky, familiar woods greet you, the border of WindHaven, adrenaline buzzing in your body, you run northwest towards the camp. You do not know how long you were running for, or even if you reached the camp; the last thing you remember is a female's voice over you body calling for help
You land near the camp gates and walk towards the centre of the camp to let the leader know you have arrived. Curses and growls go in the background, you ignore them
“Devlon” You nod, standing in front of him
Devlon, face of menace, “What are YOU doing here?” His lip curls in disgust “When the High Lord said someone will be coming, I thought it would be one of his lap dogs”
You raise an eyebrow, “My brother does not need to give YOU an explanation” You say voice full of ice “And when it comes to Cassian and Azriel” You step forward “You're intelligent enough not to call them that, especially in front of me” Your eyes promise slow torture
“I’m going to the cabin, and you have one hour to gather all females in training” You declare, and fly towards the cabin
You enter the cabin, drop your bag and take off your jacket and start walking towards to kitchen
You take the teapot out of the cupboard and start filling it up with water-
“Did you arrive safely?” Rhys’s voice echoes,
“Yes I did”, You put the teapot on the stove “Devlon is so delighted to see me” Your voice dripping with sarcasm
“Sister, try to not push him, please? The Illyrian forces fought well in the war” Rhys calmly says
You roll your eyes, “Imagine how well they could have fought if the females were also trained and not clipped”
“He saw you fight, he knows he needs to get serious now”
You snort “NOW being the key word”
“I know better than to tell you not to go to the border, but please, Y/N do not “ concern lining his tone
“I thought you knew better” You say, teasing him, but you have to tell him what you plan “I need answers Rhys” You reply solemnly
Rhysand hesitates, “I-We cannot see you at death's door again” voice clipped with worry
You feel an ache in your chest “I won't be, and I came prepared” You say softly, taking the tea leaves and adding them to the boiling water. From where you were standing, you see something move near your jacket on the couch, your eyes widened in disbelief.
“THAT PRICK OF A SHADOW BOY” You shout mentally and out loud
“You tell him he is DEAD when I get back, and I swear Rhys, if he comes here unannounced, the night court spymaster position will be open, DO YOU GET IT?
“Okay, alright, I will tell him, but why?” Rhys asks amused
“Why? WHY! Because a shadow followed me, that’s why!” you practically roar
Rhys chuckles, “Although I doubt you'll do major damage to the male you love, but still got it” His voice is more relieved than you would like
You huff in anger, taking the cup of tea, sitting on the couch, glaring at the shadow, it recoils and hides behind the jacket.
“Did your master send you?” you ask the shadow, it comes out and goes left and right, as if to say no,
“Then what you followed me on your own will?” the shadow goes up and down, and you understood it wanted to say yes
You were wondering how it was possible, when you remember the shadow crawling up your leg at breakfast
“You hid in my jacket pocket, didn’t you?” an answer more than a question, the shadow goes up and down
You sigh, not able to be angry at the shadow, “Okay, this is what we do, you can come with me to the camp” The shadow dances “But you need to stay hidden” The shadow agrees
“And no reporting to Azriel” The shadow stops, you just stare at it, then it twirls around you. Okay we are in agreement then
You enter a weapons shop, frustrated at the lack of training the females are getting in the camp, Devlon making the excuse of war for every other problem you point out
“Hello welcome” the female behind the counter says
“Hello” You say, surprised to see a female behind the counter, and even more to see she isn’t clipped
She giggles, “A lot of people give me that look” You blink and mask your expression
“No, no, it is okay please, how can I help you” The shopkeeper asks
You sit down and explain to her the practice swords you want to be made, for the females in training, the weight, the height and the grip designed for them.
“So, you look someone in power, can I ask who you are?” The shopkeeper asks
“Oh shit! Where are my manners I’m Y/N,” you say, completely forgetting to introduce yourself, maybe Devlon did get on your nerves
The shopkeeper smiles, “Nice to meet you Y/N, I’m Lucy” You grin at her
The next day, you go to the training grounds earlier than expected, you see the males training but none of the females, and frustration rises. You go inside the tower to speak with Devlon, when a hand grabs yours. You whip, forcing the body towards the wall, unsheathing a dagger,
Scared green eyes meet yours, one of the females in training
“Sorry” You say “What is wrong?” you ask her, sheathing your dagger near your ribs
Her voice is hardly audible “Meet us near the old willow tree, by nightfall, we have a message”
We? Old willow tree,- oh by the grave, -near the border, you sigh
You nod to the female and head up the tower. It’s time to push the sorry excuse of a leader.
There were no words to describe how you felt; Devlon was a bastard. He babbled on about power and how females do not have the honour to wear siphons, even commented on your magic, calling it untamed; he told you to show how well you can fight, as if being the General’s second was not enough. Well, you did love the look on his face after beating his top 3 warriors this camp. You sat in the armchair in the cabin, the shadow that followed you bouncing around you, trying to cheer you up
“You are gonna stay here when I go” and immediately the shadow shakes
“I need to visit someone before the meeting” the shadow shakes again, you sigh “Okay, you can come, but you leave me alone before the meeting” The shadow stills, and slowly goes up and down, you give it a small smile
You sheath yourself with every weapon you have, not knowing what will happen near the borders, or to know if this was some sort of trap.
Dagger check, antidote check, sword check you look around, thin trendle slithers up and goes in the pocket- shadow check
You stop by a flower shop near the willow tree, and get lilies. Heart aching, you were going to visit someone whom you haven’t for over 50 years, someone whom you told everything to, someone who you miss terribly-
“H-hi mom” You whisper, eyes lined with tears
“I got your favourite” You lay down the bouquet on the grave
“I am fine, I am doing good, sorry I didn’t come here for a while. It’s Rhys' fault he hid us” you say “To protect, yes, but still” You say, half sobbing
“I miss you mom” You go down on your knees and start crying
This is the only place you showed your true emotions now, only place you expressed them openly without hesitation
Night is about to fall “A-and then he caught me staring at him” you say sitting next to the grave, eyes puffy with tears, You notice the sky and say “Mom I would love to sit and talk more but I need to get going” a sad smile come to your face “I’ll come again, soon this time, bye” giving a flying kiss you turn and exit the graveyard; nearing the tree you halt and look towards the dark corner
You raise your eyebrow, “We need to go” thin tendril comes out of the dark and circles your wrist “I am okay, let’s go”
You hide, taking cover by the tree just like Azriel taught you,
“Spying is the work of patience, silence and knowing your surroundings. Master these things, and you’d make a decent spy” Azriel told you when you asked him to train you
“And how about the unreadable face” You asked cocking up your head
Azriel smirked, “I’ll be impressed if you master that”
You hear footsteps, then mumbling, you try to figure out what it is
“I know she will come, just be patient and try not to look suspicious” a female voice said, no THE female voice said
You tilt your head to see 2 females, both in training, and wait, is that Lucy?
You look at the surroundings and then get out “I am already here” You say, eyes darting between the females
“What is going on here?” Your face unreadable
Lucy was the first one to speak, voice hushed, “We need your help” she pauses, take breath “There are suspicious activity going on near the borders” She says, walking towards you “Females are disappearing, for months” she says “And if they are found-“ she stops her face going pale
Voice low, the female with green eyes comes forward, “T-they don’t have their wings, and are either dead or near death” Your heart starts pounding, the mask of cold slowly shattering
You take a deep breath, a knowing sensation comes to you; you get yourself together “How long?” Your voice, more stable than you thought
“It’s mostly happening randomly, there is not one particular camp, that is why it’s going unnoticed” The female with green eyes said “But, guessing by what we know, years maybe” her voice filled with sorrow
The shadow flies from your pocket, goes to a distant
The shadow tugs at your hand, silencing your words
“Wait here” You follow the shadow and see a group of males coming your way, “Go and tell him to come to the cabin” Your voice is barely a whisper “Unnoticed”
You rush to the females, “Someone is coming, I got your message, we need to leave from here” You tell them “Start with any random story that pops in your head, we laugh and walk towards your shop, Lucy” They all nod
You needed a drink, with the dreadful things you heard, the females who survived either killed themselves or went into deep depression. The description they gave was do familiar to what happened years ago. The female with green eyes, her name was Sara, and the other one Ruby
You turn towards Lucy “Please tell me you have alcohol” Lucy huffs out a laugh, reaches down the counter and takes amber colour liquid and 4 glasses
“May the Gods bless you, Lucy” that, from Ruby, the first sentence you heard her say
You welcome the burn of the liquor and finally ask “How do you all know this, and how did you guys get involved in this?”
Sara and Lucy glance at Ruby, she speaks up “They killed my twin” Ruby stares on the ground “I do not know if you will believe us, but this is a group”--“I know people in other camps, they confirmed this” she sighs “A group of manic males, who deserve worst sentence than death”
“They deserve slow, painful torture” You say
You knew this was all true, you just knew it, something very similar happened to you, but you got out, you fought. But the other females could not, even if they survived, their lives had no meaning, not to them. You knew what to do
Resolve dawning on your face “I’ll help you out, actually you’ll help me out” You say firmly “I cannot have 2 females in training risk their necks” You sigh, looking at Lucy “And you fall under less than 1% female population in Windhaven”
“I’ll speak with Rhysand, and make sure Devlon doesn’t get to know this” You say, looking at all three of them “You all can gather the information, but that is all, that’s the line”
Ruby speaks up in anger, “I need my revenge”
“No” You glare at her “What you need is to survive and learn how to fight properly” You say, putting up the mask of cool
You get up, looking at all three of them, voice filled with understanding, “I will not let this go, you 3 trusted me enough to tell this, then please trust me on this as well” You assure them
Azriel was sitting in Rhysand’s office, all three brothers present, having much-needed time together and whiskey. He explained how he did not send the shadow, and how the threat you made to his life was, well, cute.
Rhys laughs “That is true, Y/N will not be able to hurt you” Azriel hums with a much-needed buzz “But not for the reason you think, brother” Rhys spits out, Azriel raises up an eyebrow
“Well, we do know she can do major damage to you, Az” Cassian cuts in
They start a conversation on various topics, laughing when-
Cassian notices the shadow sneaking in from the bottom space of the door; he taps Azriel’s shoulder and points at it
The shadow goes to Azriel, whispering
Azriel shoots up the, gone was the relaxation, gone was the buzz; Rhys and Cassian just stare at him
“She needs me” with that he left
You entered the cabin with a grim look and possibly information that would make one deadly mission. You stood in the doorway and looked towards the living room. Guess he isn’t here yet. You sat down in the armchair, head down, hands at your forehead, all your things packed. The box inside your chest cracking ever so slightly. The sound of the door opening drew your attention. You looked up and saw him.
You can't help yourself, you're walking before you know, and you pull Azriel into a hug.
He returns the gesture, hugging you tight, letting go, he scans you for any injuries “What is wrong?”
You look at his silver-lined eyes “Winnow me to the Town House” Your voice small
Azriel's brow furrowed “You called me here to winnow?” His voice with disbelief, “Y/N do you even know how worried I was?”
The box inside cracks more, a tear slips from your face “Azriel, please, I’ll tell you everything, but I need to tell all of you together”
You sit in the armchair in Rhysand’s office, the air thick with tension. It’s been five minutes since you told them what you found out. You pour another glass of whiskey for yourself. Cassian walks up to you, takes the bottle, and pours one for himself.
Azriel break the tension “We do not know how true is this information” ever the spymaster
You take a long sip “I know it is true” a heartbeat of silence “I know it is true because” you take another sip “they tried to do the same thing to me” you say voice low
“The last time I went there, I told you all that I just got kidnapped and drugged me, using faebane” You stare at the group, the box inside your chest is shaking now “I lied, well, at least half of it” You say voice trembling
“Y/N you don’t have to” you hear Cassian say
You look at Azriel “I don’t have to, but I need to” The box burst open
And you tell them EVERYTHING, the parts you hid , what actually happened in Illyria, how you woke up in the dungeon, what the male said about your wings, how you escaped, how the last thing you remembered was a voice, and the next thing you remember was waking up in the healing chambers with Mor by your side. You didn’t know when you started crying, when Azriel came next to you and held you.
You look up “R-rhys?” you say
Rhys' face filled with sorrow “Why, why didn’t you tell this to us before?”
You feel the guilt “I didn’t want to be weak” Your voice a sad whisper
“Fuck” you hear Cassian grunt “Y/N when did we ever give you the impression that you are weak” he stands in front of you, and bends to your level “Sister, you are strong, the things you have faced and live through not everybody can” You look in his eyes and see the sadness and truth there
You just stayed silent, but your foot was tapping, a tell of yours, that there is more
Cassian takes a step and notices “What is it?” You stand up from the armchair and take 2 steps forward
You look at Azriel, who just nods in understanding, and you take a deep breath
“I lost you” You said, looking at Rhy’s “And you too” You said, looking at Cassian “I almost lost my brothers” You said, tears crawling back
Understanding dawns on Rhysand’s face, and his face turns white as a ghost. He knew you were troubled after the war, but this, he didn’t imagine this. He walks towards you and hugs you, your head plastered to his chest, and immediately you start to sob
“I’m sorry” Rhys says “I should have known better” he cups your face and starts wiping your tears “Y/N, listen to me angel, we are here, you don’t have to talk about this now if you don’t want to” he releases your face and holds you hand “But if you want to then we are ready to hear”
You muster up a sad smile, “I don’t wanna cry anymore”
You meet Cassian’s gaze, worry and confusion in his eyes, you look at Azriel who shakes his head, you sigh, “Telling them makes it better?” You ask, looking at Azriel
“It does” He replies with a soft smile “They’ll understand”
“You two need to sit” you say to your brothers
Exhausted! That’s what you were standing in your bedchambers in the House of Wind, you came back here despite the protest of Rhys, and Cassian’s demand that he carries you, you told them to stop becoming mother hens, but still, voicing your feelings that’s been piling up for months and years to them out and not just to your mother, you felt lighter than you ever did. Well, at least you didn’t confess your feelings to Azriel, you could not figure out if you were relieved or not about it; you changed into your nightgown, unbound your hair-
“Y/N?” You hear someone knocking at the door,
Opening it you were not surprised to see the male “Az”
Azriel leans on the doorframe and stares at you,
“What” You ask with a chuckle
Azriel’s gaze feels like an imprint “Just wanted to check up” He says coolly
“What are you doing standing there? Come in” You say
“I wasn’t invited in” Az replies
You snort moving inside “Since when do you need an invitation?- and to reply to your previous question, I’m much better” You smile at him “Thank you”
Azriel steps into your room, feeling of calm hitting him “Since there were so many confessions tonight,- I have one to make” Your heart starts pounding “I’m sorry, Y/N, I haven’t been around that much”
Your breath hitches, “It-its okay Az-
“It's not” He steps into your space, grabbing your arms gently “I didn’t mean to do it, I didn’t even realise it”
He cups one side of your face, your heart practically skips a beat “You were so strong tonight, dove”
“I don’t know about that” you say as nonchalantly as possible
“You were” Azriel says with a smile, you were just able to nod
This, this is the moment you wanna stay in forever, Azriel holding you close, his scent calming your nerves; couple of minutes past by
“I should go” Azriel states, voice hoarse
You smile “Okay” Your smile spreads “Goodnight Azzie”
Azriel smiles, eyes pools of warm honey, “Goodnight, dove” With that, he leaves your room
Azriel can't help but feel a warmth in his chest, maybe because things are slowly getting the way they used to be. He flops on his bed She cried a lot today, I have to make sure it doesn’t happen again. He flops again Her hair was looking like the night sky, dark and shiny, I wonder how they feel. He jolts up Why am I thinking about her hair? For fuck sake I need to get it together, I’m pretty sure she looks at me like a brother” He walks into his bathroom, slashing water on his face Although, I don’t think she ever called me a brother- did she?
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Note: I know, I know, I went in a different direction on this, but I had to do some explaining for the end of part 1, and it all ties up in the end (the other part/parts) . I had to do a character build-up.
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