So sorry this is late. And for the length. And for the way I flip out near the end.
CHAPTER TWENTY: TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE
 Well, well. Look who’s trying something new. Riverdale experimented with tone and style in the seventh episode of this season. As a storyteller in my own right, I appreciate the effort for variety. Of course, there were things about it that worked for me and things that didn’t, but let’s get to that in a minute.
What exactly were we all watching Wednesday night? A young adult anthology penned by Stephen King? Or was the dark, tingling quality in the show’s atmosphere a byproduct of fanfiction fumed with Queen hits?
Huh, you say? Let’s break down that observation, in order.
 Bert and Ernie Archie and Jughead
Lawyers in general earn a mixed reputation for their practice. I grew up hearing of comparisons to sharks and parasites. But Penny Peabody has carved herself a special box of awfulness here. After all, every snake is a serpent but not all of Riverdale’s Serpents are snakes.
After Riverdale received a message from the Black Hood (his basic blah, “sin and die” stuff) the whole town reacts by…ahem, business as usual?
Betty, evidently distressed by her failure to keep Jughead’s drug-dealing English teacher alive, spent the night in her boyfriend’s arms. He did his best to console, and I could have gone for more than that, but then his phone sang the song of eternal damnation, and he had to run off to appease the Snakecharmer.
Penny, using Jughead’s concern for his father’s welfare in prison to her advantage, promised she can get FP out if Jughead did one little job for her.
Which led to him making a midnight drug run, with Archie as his co-pilot, his conscience torn between his determination to support Jughead and his passive desire to stop him.
Overall, the night was full-moon freak worthy. Jughead and Archie met a man on the road whose interest in the Black Hood suggests that the masked killer has been sending fan mail in the wrong direction. The boys also randomly encountered a set of deer, one bloody and the other bloody-dead. Poor Jug had so many jumpscares, I was surprised that it didn’t end with Archie checking him into a mental health clinic.
But they were in a hurry, after all, and like the song Headlong says
It ain’t no time to figure wrong from right, cause reason’s out the window, better hold on tight – you’re rushin’
 Oh, good, a character who deserves more attention has finally got some! I always loved Josie’s friendship with Cheryl before, and now there are layers to go with that slice of cake. Granted, when you go a’ explorin’ the foundations of friendship, you might not always like what turns up from the dirt. But even if I don’t have quite the same love for Josie/Cheryl anymore, I am definitely more intrigued by them.
So, this is the (long overdue) spotlight on Josie McCoy. Pussycat by day, the next Whitney Houston by night. Might I add Ashleigh Murray’s pipes are fabulous, and I could fall asleep listening to Josie play the piano. No one knew she was composing alone except for her bff Cheryl, who is paying for studio time. Because the beginning of their story intersects with Jughead and Archie’s, we get the pleasure of hearing Cheryl snap at them as “Bert and Ernie” TWICE while chatting with Josie. Then Josie opened her locker to find a stuffed animal with a stalker-note attached. She rolled her eyes and tossed it, assuming it was from a secret admirer. Because it wasn’t like there was a Ra’s al Ghul wannabe ready to waste a town that day. At least Cheryl was wary, but her devotion to Josie seemed more intense here than it had been in previous episodes.
Then Josie encountered Chuck Clayton. Instead of skirt-chasing for the sake of humiliating his dates, Chuck goes to church. Chuck takes art classes. Chuck is ready to start going by Charles now.
There was in fact something softer about him in this episode, enough to leave both me and Josie hoping he’d changed. That dance between them at the diner was so cute.
But whether this was a one-shot tale or a to-be-continued setup, we’ll have to wait and see. Because while Josie did have a stalker in this episode, it wasn’t the Black Hood. It wasn’t Chuck.
Cheryl, you break my heart.
In honor of Josie’s rollercoaster of a trip, I give you The Invisible Man.
 When you hear a sound that you just can’t place, feel somethin’ move that you just can’t trace, when something sits on the end of your bed. Don’t turn around when you hear me tread/
I’m your meanest thought, I’m your darkest fear
But I’ll never get caught, you can’t shake me, shake me dear
 The last story goes back to what Betty did after saying goodbye to Jughead. While talking to him about the teacher murdered in Sheriff Keller’s station, a lightbulb sparked in her brain – who could find it easier to get into the cell than Keller himself? Not one of her better ideas, I feel, but she ran ahead with it. She told Veronica, who insisted the Sheriff was just exhibiting the signs of practicing infidelity. Still, the girls agreed for Kevin’s sake they would have to be careful. While Betty worked her Veronica Mars magic at the department, Veronica invited herself to a sleepover at Kevin’s house. Being the warm treasured heart he is, he taught her how to dominate his favorite fantasy board game. Taking a break, Veronica took a call from Betty. (virtually the only time I’ve ever been truly disappointed in my girl – more on that later.)
Betty learned from V that a bunch of doors were locked at the Keller house. She bobby-pinned them open until she found Sheriff Keller’s evidence office. Crime scene pictures here, letters from the Black Hood there. Betty was just picking up the black mask that Keller had confiscated from Archie earlier this season, when the Sheriff showed up.
However, when the scene bounced to Betty and her father sitting, facing Keller, he wasn’t enraged. He seemed quite understanding of her suspicions, and downright sad she had them. He promised her he wouldn’t tell Kevin, because she and his son were so important to one another, and knowledge of this incident would break his heart.
But for relentless Betty, it wasn’t over. She wanted to know where Keller was sneaking off to at night. Tailing him alongside a reluctant Veronica led them to a motel. Keller knocked on one of the doors, and out stepped Mayor McCoy – Josie’s mom – into his arms.
The girls swore a pact they’d never reveal the truth to Kevin. I felt like they also should have promised each other to never investigate with Veronica’s Cheat-Buster’s intuition. This was one secret that would have been better left uncovered.
 Because Kevin remarked upon “the pressure” his dad was facing so much, here’s Under Pressure.
Pressure pushing down on you, no man ask for
Under pressure that burns a building down
Puts people on the streets
 These are a few of my other Darkside observations, pros and cons:
We had a break from Toni. Yes I know some still like her, and yes I know she’s not a bug mucking up Bughead’s windshield. For the record, though? I wanted to like Toni Topaz. Really. I was so hoping she’d be the Toni from my South Side Story fic. That Toni took a stand, had integrity, and had a kind-of-crush on Betty. She was interesting, and I was hoping Vanessa Morgan’s version would at least have some interesting lines. Sadly, something fell flat for me along the way, and with this absence I hope the writers have thought of a new way to make her more appealing as a person.
 Bert and Ernie. BERT AND ERNIE. Though I see Jughead as more the cynical-ish Bert, and Archie is more the rubber ducky type methinks. Still, never getting old.
 But unfortunately, I have some nitpicks now.
 Archie owes Jughead? You know, I’m not entirely certain Jughead would have won that race with the Ghoulies. And if it had been a clear loss...Jughead clearly needs glasses if he’s that shortsighted. Archie bailed him out of a high-risk situation. If it had been me in that fix I daresay I would be treating Archie Andrews to burgers and milkshakes for a month.
Even worse friends are the Pussycats. Setup or no, I just wanted someone to point out to High and Mighty Valerie that cutting Josie out for working on songs by herself when just a few months ago she was crushed for writing songs with Archie seems either very petty (if revenge) or hypocritical.
I hate to bring up hypocrisy now, but let’s examine Betty’s actions when her boyfriend’s father was under suspicion for murder. She. Would. Not. Have. It. Everyone, from Archie and Veronica to her own damn mother wanted her to look a bit more closely beyond Jughead’s words that FP was innocent.
Cut to today, when she doggedly pursued the father of one of her closest friends, and someone she’s been quite frankly more familiar with over the years than FP Jones, for his potential ability to walk into a jail cell and shoot someone. And for Veronica to remind Betty that investigating Kevin’s dad would hurt their friend, only for Betty to keep gunning for him like the Kellers meant so little to her.
*I’d like to think I know what this is about. Betty has been traumatized by the Black Hood. She’s so freaked Dark Betty has had to come out of the woodwork. Dark Betty is colder, a bit more obsessive than the Girl Next Door version. She’s probably determined not to rest until the culprit can’t hurt her or her friends anymore.
I see this possibility. Of course, I could be dead wrong.
 But now that I’ve mentioned the Black Hood, I’m going to say what I should have said the last time:
I mean, there’s a psychopath in a mask that has declared war on an entire town. When he starts sending encrypted messages vowing to erase all sin from Riverdale, Jesus sorry but that’s when you send in the Feds.
 Riverdale has forty-eight hours to stop sinning or he’ll kill again. Doesn’t anyone take this threat seriously?
Obviously not, including the very people he’s threatening. WTF kind of a test is that anyways? A town without sin, wow, really? He might as well come for all of us.
Â
With this theme song: Â Innuendo
 show yourself, destroy our fears – release your masks
