[toastbutteregg]

[pervocracy]

[judgejudyofficial]

thank god Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton came together to make a PSA about the dangers of fake news

[guerrillatech]

[la-mancha-screwjob]

[toastbutteregg]

this is so adorable!!

[thebootydiaries]

man lying on the hospital floor gasping: need .. IV ...

me, roman: four WHAT???

[thebootydiaries]

priest: do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

bride: i do

me, a roman, tearing up: one do what????

[thebootydiaries]

wife: I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I’ve been cheating on you with my ex

me, a roman: [with tears in my eyes] your ten WHAT???

[petal-metal-blog]

OMG MY NEW SHOES CAME :3 ignore my ugly house arrest ankle bracelet. haha

[knuckleduster]

fuck everything else this is the real post of the decade

[officialunitedstates]

How many followers do you have?

An Amtrak train leaves Pierre, South Dakota heading south-west at 50 MPH.  At the same time, another train leaves Cheyenne, Wyoming heading north-east at a speed of 60 MPH.  South Dakota and Wyoming are two of four US states that Amtrak does not service, the other two of course being Alaska and Hawaii. 

[mathsturbation]

i’m really trying not to let fame get to my head but

[phoneticmeow]

I love when my boyfriend showers at my house cause I get to lean against the door and hear him quietly scream

[phoneticmeow]

NO YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HES A METAL VOCALIST HE PRACTICES IN THW SHOWER I DO NOT TORTURE MY BOYFRIEND

[exemplarybehaviour]

Brother: What if you ordered a bagel and you got a block of cream cheese with a sliver of bagel on the inside.

Me: What if you ordered a pizza and it was a slab of cheese with bread crumbs on top.

Brother: What if you ordered Go-gurt and it was a pile of yogurt with plastic in the middle.

Me: What if you ordered a fruit salad and it was a watermelon rhine with shards of glass on the inside.

Brother: What if you ordered a drink and it was a glass of water with frozen cubes of soda.

Me: What if you ordered a birthday cake and you got a giant piece of wax with little pieces of cake sticking up and those were the candles.

[academicssay]

[wholedonut]

Me:

You:

[grumsal]

shout out to water for keeping my throat sufficiently lubricated for optimal yodeling techniques

[classycarolinagirl]

That literally got weirder and weirder with every word

[shaxaphone]

cute things to call your girlfriend: 1. sugar  2. honey  3. flour  4. egg  5. 1/2lb butter  6. stir  7. pour into pan  8. preheat to 375°

[tastefullyoffensive]

The Kirbys of the dog world. (via paul_haine)

[minimalistwitch69]

always reblog 

[cartercorn]

I LOVE THEM

[injuries-in-dust]

[whitepeopletwitter]

[adaswordlace]

[antimony-ore]

Pronounce Saxophone like Persephone, I dare you