I did not want to go to my Christian retreat. "I don't need to go. I'm not struggling with anything. I haven't had a troubled life. I'm probably busy that day. I don't want to cry." You name the excuse and I probably tried to use it. I felt pressured into going. I figured two of my friends are going, I might as well go too since they won't stop asking. The days got closer and I hoped I could figure a way to get out of it! The day came and there was no way I was getting out of it. Once 3:30pm hit on Thursday, we were on our way to our walk. On the hour drive my sponsor talked to us about what we could expect. We showed up and met all of the other pilgrims on the walk. When it was time to say goodbye to our sponsor and officially start our walk, I cried. Duh, right? Why else would I try my hardest to get out of something that is supposed to be super fun? Obviously I wasn't ready to face my issues I pretended I didn't have. I recognized several other people on the walk. A couple of them were my patients. Oh, lucky me! I get to have an awkward weekend with people whose had my fingers in their mouth. On Thursday, we had to partner up with someone we didn't know and spend about 15min getting to know them and then introduce them to everyone while onstage. Which meant all eyes would be on me. Ugh! Already I was wanting to run out and not come back. I'm a very shy person. I don't like attention on me and I definitely don't like speaking in front of people! But that didn't matter. It was our turn to go up and introduce our "new best friend". She lives in the same town as I do, she has 5 children which are all in high school (perks of a blended family) and she has been a nurse for 23 years. She introduces me and we sit down. It's over. Phew! Now it's time for a church service. We have our service and are dismissed for bed... in silence! We are not to speak until the morning after our church service. I don't even know who my roommates are at this time! We make it to our room and it is awkward! We just look at each other and smile. You try changing into your night clothes, with one restroom and 4 women needing that room without talking! Let me tell you, it's not cool. So we go to bed. Friday, we wake up to the bell and have 30min total to get ready and go to church. Again I remind you: 4 women, no talking, one restroom. Not good. At least everyone else was in the same boat. We get to church quietly and wonder what today, the first official day, is going to be like. We have service, receive communion and our silence is lifted. Our day consisted of testimonies. 10 to be exact. We had to do projects on each speaker then at the end of the day present them to everyone. Oh, great... Not! The day came and went. I was so disappointed in the day. I felt it was not going to get me to where I needed to be and quite frankly, I was bored. The day is over and it's bed time. At least this time we can talk to each other and get to know our roommates. One, of course, is my patient. I let them know how I felt about the day. That I thought it was going to be more emotional. I felt like I was in an all day conference. Saturday, same thing we wake up have 30 minutes to get ready and go to church. At least this time we were able to talk and share the restroom appropriately. We get to church and we sing and pray. Then we have a service called "dying moments" and it is where you take the bread and break a piece off and go to the cross and either out loud or quietly you share the moment you feel broken in your life. I'll do it because everybody else is going to do it so I stand up and wait in line and when it's my turn I take a piece of the bread and break it. I get up to the cross and have this thought come into my mind. I start shedding tears and I throw my bread down at the base of the cross. I get back to my pew and start praying and of course crying. It was a very quiet church and you can hear all the other women crying. It was a very emotional service; it opened my eyes to an issue that I have, that I knew I had, but I never admitted it to myself. From that point forward, I was an emotional wreck. To make an already long story short that Saturday night there was a surprise candlelight service. We want from a conference room to a bigger chapel and when we open the doors, all of our friends, family, and other people who are there to support us are holding candles in a dim chapel. They are singing to us "Jesus, Jesus. Can I tell you how I feel? You have given me your spirit, I love you so." We walk down the isle and everyone is smiling, holding their candle and looking us in the eyes while singing. (Of course I'm balling right now) We make our way to the front and there they are. My family. Dad, mom, sister and brother. All (except my brother) crying. We walk onto the stage and start singing to them. We sing and a pastor tells us to look at everyone in the audience and for us to know we are loved and supported so much so that everyone drove all this way just for this moment. Then the crowd started to move. They all walked in a line in front of us and then headed out of the door. They were gone. It was no more than 5 minutes being together! Now it's our turn to head out to our smaller chapel we attend every day. When we walk out of the big chapel, there they are. Lighting our way with their candles, guiding us to our church. Then they were gone. For real this time. We all sat in silence for about 30minutes. Praying, crying, just being and soaking in what all had just happened. Then it was bed time. Sunday, time to go home. Time to go home a better person. A holier person. A happier person. A person who has admitted her fears. A person who is changed. We were given letters. Letters of encouragement that our sponsor collected from family and friends. I was overwhelmed with the amount of letters I received. I haven't officially counted, but my mother says when she gave them to my sponsor she counted around 84. 84!!! That's 84 people who took time out of their day for me. I mean 84! How am I worthy of that?! I'm very blessed. So, since this past Thursday I have been doing things that I'm not comfortable with. I've spoken (several times!), cheered, rapped, acted, performed a puppet show and even prayed in front of a group of people. But today tops them all! At worship, Jody (youth minister/worship choir head) and the Pastor asked me to sing with them. I politely declined. Then Jody asked more seriously and said please. How am I supposed to say no in a church full of people?! So I got up there and sang! Yikes, right?! But I did it. I've never been more proud of myself! The last song we sang, a song I never heard before, was 'Why me, Lord?'. I felt this song in my soul. I feel it was the most perfect song for what what I faced and admitted what my fears and concerns are. And never have hearing this song before, I sang with my full heart and no one would have ever known I didn't know it. God is so good! 🙏🏼
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