1. he stole EVERYONES fucking pronouns. idk if you’ve heard but he is the only one who is allowed to use the first-person pronoun 朕 zheng [i/me/myself] because it’s a homophone of his given-name 政 Zheng! Look, just because he’s conquered all of the known world does not mean he’s allowed to go on a power trip and make up a bunch of arbitrary laws! Literally what the fuck am i suppose to call myself now????
2. i am SICK of these modern SNOWFLAKES with their MADE-UP TRENDY TITLES. bitch what the fuck is an "EMPEROR???" you literally just combined the titles of 三皇 Sān Huáng and 五帝 Wŭ Dì to invent a new word 皇帝 Huángdì. this is so confusing, just call yourself Hegemon-King like a normal human!!!!
3. side note; he killed a bunch of peasants during his war of conquest and now it's impossible for me to find servants at a reasonable price and my farmers are refusing to work unless i exempt them from taxes and corvee labour for 2 years** THIS IS THE END OF CIVILISATION AS WE KNOW IT.
that’s right! and after i’ve conquered the six LOSER states, i am going to upgrade my royal title so it reflects my identity better! i think “emperor” has a nice ring to it…
I AM SO SICK OF THESE MODERN SNOWFLAKES AND THEIR MADE-UP TITLES
BITCH WHAT THE FUCK IS A “皇帝”??? YOU’VE LITERALLY JUST COMBINED THE TITLES OF THE 三皇AND 五帝 TOGETHER. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK AN “EMPEROR” IS SUPPOSED TO BE WHY CANT YOU JUST CALL YOURSELF A HEGEMON-KING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON????
Ey boss? Yeah, we found this meteor, see, and we thinks you might wanna have a look at it.
yippee! a meteor is surely an auspicious sign from Heaven, i must send my imperial secretary to inspect this Heavenly Stone immediately. perhaps it even has a prophecy inscribed on it!
hi peons, i was a tiny little bit upset by this crime but i promise im over it now. if someone would like to step forward and confess i will be very very lenient with them
Bixia, it sounds like your noble ancestor was a horse vendor. Perhaps it was out of respect for that noble ancestry that my brother anon requested a fine beast from you?
Bixia, it sounds like your noble ancestor was a horse vendor. Perhaps it was out of respect for that noble ancestry that my brother anon requested a fine beast from you?
Bixia, may this humble subject have an emotional support horse as well? It will surely increase the efficiency of this subject's work on your great wall
DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING HORSE VENDOR TO YOU?
i think it's high time you peons learned that the Great Qin has many diverse methods of execution that do not include horses!
guards, i sentence this rube to be CUT IN HALF AT THE WAIST
NO HE WAS NOT A STABLEBOY HE WAS A MIGHTY AND TALENTED HORSE BREEDER WHO IMPRESSED THE KING OF ZHOU SO MUCH HE WAS GRANTED A SEPERATE FIEF IN THE QIN VALLEY, FROM WHICH MY GLORIOUS DYNASTY GETS ITS NAME
AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, HORSE BREEDER IS A VERY IMPORTANT OCCUPATION BECAUSE HORSES ARE GLORIOUS ANIMALS WHO HAVE REVOLUTIONISED MODERN WAREFARE! GONE ARE THE OBSOLETE DAYS OF SLOW FOOTSOLDIERS! NOW WE RUN OUR ENEMIES DOWN WITH CHARIOTS!!!!
I AM NOT A STABLEBOY!!!!!! I AM A GLORIOUS EMPEROR!!!!! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A BARBARIAN I VANQUISHED YOUR WEAK AND WORTHLESS STATE AND YOU WILL GIVE ME THE RESPECT I DESERVE!!! JUST BECAUSE WE ABSORBED THE RONG AND BEIDI TRIBES DOES NOT MAKE US BARBARIANS! I AM JUST AS #huaxia AS THE REST OF YOU UPPITY CENTRAL PLAINSMEN AND I WILL PROVE IT ONCE AND FOR ALL! WE ARE JUST AS INTELLIGENT AND CULTURED AS THE REST OF YOU!!!! I HAVE MEMORISED BOTH THE SPRING AND AUTUMN AND THE ZUO ZHUAN! I HAVE MASTERED THE FIVE NOBLE ARTS! YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS OF HOW COOL OUR HORSES AND TROUSERS ARE #nochaffing I WILL MAKE YOU EAT THOSE TREASONOUS WORDS YOU PIG-LIVERED PEON. YOU RUBE.
Bixia, may this humble subject have an emotional support horse as well? It will surely increase the efficiency of this subject's work on your great wall
DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING HORSE VENDOR TO YOU?
i think it's high time you peons learned that the Great Qin has many diverse methods of execution that do not include horses!
guards, i sentence this rube to be CUT IN HALF AT THE WAIST
NO HE WAS NOT A STABLEBOY HE WAS A MIGHTY AND TALENTED HORSE BREEDER WHO IMPRESSED THE KING OF ZHOU SO MUCH HE WAS GRANTED A SEPERATE FIEF IN THE QIN VALLEY, FROM WHICH MY GLORIOUS DYNASTY GETS ITS NAME
AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, HORSE BREEDER IS A VERY IMPORTANT OCCUPATION BECAUSE HORSES ARE GLORIOUS ANIMALS WHO HAVE REVOLUTIONISED MODERN WAREFARE! GONE ARE THE OBSOLETE DAYS OF SLOW FOOTSOLDIERS! NOW WE RUN OUR ENEMIES DOWN WITH CHARIOTS!!!!
Bixia, may this humble subject have an emotional support horse as well? It will surely increase the efficiency of this subject's work on your great wall
DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING HORSE VENDOR TO YOU?
i think it's high time you peons learned that the Great Qin has many diverse methods of execution that do not include horses!
guards, i sentence this rube to be CUT IN HALF AT THE WAIST
bixia....🙇♂️before this humble peasant is sent to the great wall......this peon wishes to know how many people have been injured working on it...
hmmm, that's an excellent question! why don't you ask around, while you're performing unpaid, back-breaking labour that takes away from the time you can spend on subsistence farming, and then compile a memorandum for me? the due date is one month from now. do not be late.
also, this "great wall" thing is very catchy! his highness will start using it from now on.
EVEN YOUR HORRID SHEW WIFE HAD ENOUGH COURAGE IN HER FRAIL, WOMAN'S BODY NOT TO CAPITULATE TO A DISHONOURABLE MARRIAGE WITH MODU CHANGYU! #moduchangyudni #xiongnudni BUT THE MIGHTY HAN GAOZU GOES CRYING TO THE CHANGYU'S WIFE AT THE FIRST SIGN OF ENCIRCLEMENT, AND BEGS FOR #heqin LIKE THE COWARD HE IS! I'D CALL YOU A WEAK, PATHETIC GIRL, BUT THAT WOULD GENUINELY BE SELLING YOU SHORT!
tremble before the might of my QIN ARMY you illiterate, illegitimate, ill-begotten COUNTRY BUMPKIN! attack, my patriotic citizens! (and the conscripted forces who have no choice in the matter)
I famously overthrew the Qin dynasty, going from a peasant to one of the most beloved emperors of China. Meanwhile. Qin "Shi Huang" over there was a tyrant whose dynasty lasted a whopping….14 years. Oops.
ha. ha. lmao, even. quick show of hands, peasants, who among you wants to keep living under the powerful arm of an absolute monarch, who controls a centralised government that builds you roads, dykes and waterways--oh, would you look at that, emperor Han Gaozu himself is first in line! even the HATERS and LOSERS want to keep perpetuating the system i created because they do not have the VISION to come up with anything BETTER or MORE INFLUENTIAL. would Liu Bang, the back-stabber and baby-tosser, like to talk about what he contributed to the next 2000 years of Chinese history?
You're right! A phonemic alphabetic syllabary based on the actual pronunciation of the words in the language used is certainly a much more conducive way of encouraging literacy among the greater population, allowing the common folk to express (in writing) concepts and terms which the written ideograms of the great Middle Kingdom are not well-suited for (given the great differences in our languages)!
Such increased literacy would allow even the common folk of our kingdom to read the great works of the Confucianists, thus promoting loyalty, filial piety, and virtuous behavior!
I'll have my scholars get to work on it right away!
I was going to cherrypick some highlights out of king sejong’s wikipedia to make him look good, but it turns out its basically all highlights
created think tanks and research grants for doctors and scholars
created an alphabet for the korean people that is easier to write AND better suited to the language.
disseminated ideas by establishing schools, cultural institutions, innovations the the printing press, and the preservation of rare books, leading to a flourishing of art, culture, and intellectual thought
elevated marginalised classes
created policies for the humane treatment of prisoners
forbade imprisonment of people over 70 or under 15
maternity AND paternity leave
also did i mention he was taking steps to ease his son into politics and ensure a smooth transition of power, while he was still alive to do so?
first day as the envoy of Yan, and i have a brilliant, amazing, fool-proof plan to assassinate the warmongering tyrant of Qin. I've got the head of a famous general inside a box, a poison dagger hidden inside a map and my backup is ruthless murderer who killed a man at age 13. mark my words, this day will go down in history!
update: my backup got cold feet and became catatonic with fear the moment we set foot in the palace. i quickly spun a story about him being a country bumpkin who was suffering culture shock but now the guards are suspicious and i have to approach the throne room alone--well, mostly alone. Oh, General-Inside-A-Box, we're really in it now.
update: the Warmonger laughed at my joke! i am going to get a good evaluation for regicide, which is normal to want and possible to achieve.
update: it's time to present the map. my palms are sweaty, knees weak and this scroll feels so heavy. i regret eating so much of my niang's dalu mian beforehand because someone didn't put enough salt inside this box and the general (heaven rest his brave soul) is starting to smell and to be honest it's making me a little nauseous. the fear rises in my gullet, strong and acrid, threatening to choke me, but i force it down and put on a brave front, like a swan on a tranquil lake, kicking like mad underneath. this is my one opportunity and i cannot let it slip away. Yan is too small to meet the might of this tyrant in open battle. for the sake of my people and all that i love, i must prevail.
update: i missed.
update: i am now chasing the Warmonger around the throne room. he cant unsheathe his Hugely Impractical Ceremonial Sword and none of his ministers are permitted to carry weapons so they just stand on the sidelines yelling advice. eventually the court physician comes to his senses and throws his medicine bag at me, giving the Warmonger an opening to finally get his sword out and cut me down. i throw my knife at him (also missed) as a final act of defiance but frankly speaking, there's not much face left to salvage here. when i enter the afterlife, the general is laughing so hard his head almost falls off again. i am never going to live this down.
update: I go down in history as a hero and one of the Five Great Assassins. really makes you wonder about the other four.
update: oh my god! my best friend is here too! what a sight for sore eyes, i can't wait to catch up and play some tunes with him!
notes under the cut:
The story takes place in 228 BC, the King of Qin is in the middle of a brutal war of conquest. In the span of just ten years (In 230--221 BC) he will unify china and become the first Emperor (the terracotta warriors belong to him). He will go down in history as both a cruel tyrant and brilliant statesman, to call him influential is to say the Yangtze river is "just a big puddle."
Jing ke -- (the assassin) originally hails from the state of Wei, which was conquered by Qin, afterwards he became a retainer of Yan and joined the plot to seek revenge. I simplified the story a lot for the sake of narrative clarity.
General Huan Yi -- former general of Qin who lost favour with the King. In an absolute bro move, he agreed to commit suicide and let his head be used as a "gift" for the assassination attempt. I couldn't find any sources on how severed heads were preserved during this time, but drying + curing with salt seemed pretty reasonable so i went with that.
yes, i did just combine the Second Century Warlord with Eminem to create an unholy abomination that is the deepest of deep cuts.
娘 Niáng -- [Mum] considered archaic
打卤面 Dǎ lǔ miàn--braised noodles
Jing Ke's buddy Gao Jianli (who is a famous musician) ALSO tries to kill King Qin to avenge his friend's death. He was recognised and blinded before his first attempt, but was allowed to stay. During this time, he ingratiated himself with the king and hid weights inside his instrument, biding his time until he could get close enough to take a swing (spoiler: he also missed).
stop using chatgpt!!!! take a bronze pin and carve your questions onto an ox scapula, then toss it into the fire!!!! use the cracks to divine the gods answer!!!!
citations still have to be APA 7th edition though. if you plagiarise, the gods will flood the yellow river again. and you'll lose your academic standing.
this COWARDLY ATTEMPT to steal my hard earned NOTES and DILUTE MY ROYAL AUTHORITY has left me scarred and shaken. nevertheless i bravely persist.
i, of course, take full credit for the reversal. Heaven has heard my prayers and it is yet another sign that i have my divine Mandate to rule #stillblogging #qindyasntyno1
oh yeahhhhh and i guess all the thousands of angry peasants who were submitting complaints, cancelling their premium subscriptions, and raising general hell had nothing to do with it?
ying zheng hateblog @swordsman-jing-ke - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
