Dont you hate it when you dont have anyone that you can trust bcs you have trust issues since you were a kid? I cant even trust my parents bcs of how they raised me. They abused me verbally and physically. Punishment was a normal thing. Being told that I wasnt a good kid, that I couldnt do better like other kids, being punished after some guests leaving the home bcs i was showing bad behaviour, being told that I didnt do good enough bcs I didnt get 100 in exams, being silenced for more than a week bcs i had to pay extra baggage to come back home after univ life (yes my mom is crazy about money), being yelled at bcs i didnt know where i put my scissors i was so scared that i ran out of the house (when i was in elementary school year), being splashed/poured with lots of water in the bathroom bcs i did something wrong, etc. Being spanked/punched/beaten? Many times. And my dad? He barely did anything. He told my mom that its bad to yell/punish like that but she defended herself thats bcs he didnt do nothing to 'raise' the kids. Im not exaggerating. These are what happened. I saw them fighting in front of me many times. Im so sick of that, really. I wish they would just divorce bcs they fight too much. They said thats how a 'normal' marriage be, but fuck that shit! Its not fucking normal if you fight a lot!
I used to take a knife from the kitchen when i was about 5 or 6 yrs old to kill my mother. Yes you read that right. A normal kid wont have any thought of killing their mother, right? But guess what, I thought my mom is like a monster so I had to kill her to stop her from abusing me. If she wasnt that 'monstrous' i wouldnt do that..
The intensity got less as I grew up but the physical abuse turned into emotional abuse. I was always compared to other kids, I was pushed to always be the best in class, even in school, and 'fortunately' I had the potential to be the best. They might think I was happy. They might think I enjoyed everything. They didnt know how much parents and peer pressure I got.
I was under control in everything. I was always asked who called me or who I called after I used the phone, I couldnt join many extra curricular activities I wanted bcs it would drain my energy and time and it would cause me to fail in grades, I couldnt even freely go to my friend's house just to play with them bcs it had no use for my grades, and many more. Most of the time I just spent my days at home. Thats why Im not good in socializing, until now. I always feel awkward and uncomfortable in front of many people. I'm always afraid of being judged bcs my parents judged me a lot. I cant even trust them at all and thats why I barely tell them about how my day is going, or about a crush in school, even about how I really feel. I just dont trust them. They always think they know the best for me without asking my opinion.
They made me choose something I didnt really want. When I was in high school, I wanted to go for social class but my parents didnt approve it bcs social class is the place for 'bad kids'. They wanted me to be the 'smart kids', while it was clear on the annual report that my grades in social subjects were better than the scientific subjects. And when I chose what major I wanted to take for university (I chose visual communication design), they didnt approve bcs it is not a subject that will make me easier to get a job and to get well paid. And I spent 4 yrs in univ with lots of pressure just for a degree. I wasnt really enjoying it. I felt forced. And it resulted in me being hard to get a job bcs my passion is the opposite of my education. I decided to left my house and went back to my univ city to try job hunting again. (Un)fortunately I managed to get a job with a good pay. I did that just to not being at home bcs i didnt want to stay at that kind of hell. I feel trapped when I'm there bcs of the trauma. I want to stay away from them as much as I can.
Working in this company is no fun if you dont have passion in it, and that is what happened to me. I always feel bored and unpassionate. I feel like I ve wasted my 26 yrs of my life to follow what a 'normal' life is. I lived someone else's expectation. Their dreams.
And several incidents happened repeatedly that at some point I lost my insanity and decided to check myself to a psychiatrist, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder as side diagnosis. Lately I found out that I might suffer from PTSD bcs of my childhood and recent incidents. I was and am suicidal. When I was little I always wanted to run away from home but I realized I didnt have much source to survive. Until now I always have the feeling to escape. From everything. It got me thinking that if I end my life I will end to suffer, I will eecape, I will be free. And it is hard to explain to people, even if they re willing to listen, because they dont experience what I ve been through. I dont want to hear any judgement. It is hard for me to trust people and it makes the thoughts and feeling accumulate and ready to explode anytime. I try really hard to control myself, to hold my tears, to look normal. But im just so tired of everything. I even read many ways to end life but all I want is just to end it quickly. I guess I need someone to pull the trigger for me.
