Some gathered thoughts about last weekās episode and the confession that rocked us all:Ā
Iām getting to a point now where I feel weird about it. Itās digested enough that on one hand, Iām extremely proud of Misha and Bobo for fighting to get us this much. Iām thrilled they allowed Cas to admit it. That scene was so heart-wrenching.Ā
And I get it, you know? I get loving someone so much that reciprocation doesnāt matter. I get that feeling of clenching, drowning emotion that only lets up when youāre able to say it out loud. I get how finally letting years and years of pent up, repressed emotion can be so cathartic that you have a single moment of happiness because of it.Ā
And Dean needed to hear it.Ā
Iām by no means saying this was accurate representation or that itās not the ābury your gaysā trope. As it stands, it is that trope, which makes it by default shitty representation. But, this show has always been so real to me. These characters have always been so real to me. And Iām starting to think that itās not fair of me to put that on Cas, to wish that Cas wouldāve died with that secret just so I wouldnāt feel so jaded by his sacrifice after.Ā
Theyāve been hinting that Dean is bi since season one. Itās been there, laid out. And honestly, I was happy with that. Because Iām tired of the assumption that queers have to be loud to be real. That they have to run around screaming it and fucking two genders right in front of someoneās face just to make them believe it. So Dean, with his visible bi panic with āhis gay thingā and his Dr. Sexy crush and his western fetish and his āwhy do people think weāre gay?ā to Samās āyouāre kind of butch. People think your overcompensatingā to Deanās returning āfuck, is it that obviousā expressionā¦ with his āthere are people, feelings, I want to experience differentlyā¦ maybe for the first timeā when heās already been in love, had a family, and done just about everything with women that he could possibly doā¦ with his ass slapping and soldier-butt checking out and blatantly looking at the one guyās package under the sheet and helping Charlie flirt with a man like he was born to do itā¦ his triplet threesome with Crowley (which, by the wayā¦ it was pointed out to me that the only triplets we see those two interact with are all men)ā¦ with all of Samās brotherly attempts to get Dean to just come out of the damned closet. āIf thereās anything you need to talk about, Iām your brother. Iām here for you no matter what.ā
Itās there. Itās quiet if youāre not looking directly at it, but itās there. And I always respected that. If you met me in person, you wouldnāt know I was gay. I donāt dress like it, talk like it, act like it (of course, I mean the way most hets imagine gays dress, talk and actā¦ we all know that thereās no ācodeā or rules). But that doesnāt mean itās not true.Ā
So with that said, Iām not sure why Iām holding anyone to a higher standard than that. There will always be antiās. There will always be people that can look at the same things we have and go ānah, theyāre bros.ā And frankly, I just donāt give a shit about those people.
Does it suck that Cas died right after? Yeah. On a lot of levels, butā¦ theyāve been building to one of them making the ultimate sacrifice since the moment Castiel said āHey, assbutt!ā and stole everyoneās hearts. What he did was completely, 100% in character for him, even if it hurts. Even if we hate it. Even if itās the hardest thing weāve ever had to watch. It was true to Castiel, to the things we love about him. To the things that made his journey so fucking real.
I donāt have any hope that Dean and Cas will have a happy ending, I just donāt. But with two episodes left, a lot can happenā¦ and Iām not going to jump to conclusions until I see the credits roll the last time. The writers have surprised us too many times.Ā
Maybe Iām just in denial. Maybe Iāve just gotten to a point where I donāt want it to hurt anymore, so Iām trying to rationalize around it until it stops. Orā¦ maybe I had such an intense knee-jerk reaction to it in the first place because I just wanted Castiel to live so fucking bad.Ā
Maybe theyāll fix it. Maybe Jack woke everyone up in the Empty and theyāre going to come back and repair Heaven. Maybe Cas chooses humanity instead and lives a long, happy life with Dean.Ā
Or maybe heās really gone, but that final declaration, that final sacrifice was enough to smack Dean Winchester awake. Maybe weāll see an epilogue of them five years in the future and Dean brings his boyfriend and their dog āround to Samās for dinner.Ā
Or, maybe Dean will die a sad, closeted mess that spent his 41 years on earth putting humanity above his own happiness. But either way, it doesnāt mean itās not there. It doesnāt mean thatās not his heart, his desires. If thereās one thing we know for sureā¦ itās that Dean doesnāt think he deserves happiness. So, of course heās not going to pursue the one thing that actually might do the damned job.Ā
Soā¦ who cares? Who cares that Cas died after finally confessing. Itās his M.O.Ā
Who cares that Dean didnāt reciprocate? We know he feels it. He was smacked in the face with a lifetimeās worth of internalizedā¦ Iām not even sure homophobia is the right word, but a lifetimeās worth of repressed emotions and found out that yet again, the person he cares about the most besides his brother sacrificed himself to save Jack, and was now doubling down to use that same sacrifice as a means of saving Dean. Dean, who doesnāt think he deserves to be saved. Cas, who knew that the very first time they ever met. āYou donāt think you deserve to be saved.ā It wasnāt a question. He knew. And for all of Deanās growth and maturation over the years, thatās the one thing thatās never changed. He still doesnāt feel like he deserves to be saved, so why? Why is it happening? And why ā of all the times ā is Cas choosing this moment to speak the words theyāve kept hidden for years?Ā
It brings to mind Hermioneās quote to Ron and Harry about Cho. To paraphrase and swap it to fitā¦ āHeās stunned by the suddenness, scared to death of actual Death literally knocking at the door, heās overwhelmed by the emotion pouring off of his angelic, stoic, awkward, wonderful angel, heās struggling with the confession in the sense that he doesnāt believe he deserves to be loved like that and yet hereās Cas, showing yet again he means every word, heās grief-stricken to know that heās about to lose him again and thereās nothing he can do about it, heās being forced to look at all the things heās refused to even glance at, heās terrified that this is about to be the end for all of them and he wonāt even have Cas by his sideā¦ and heās heartbroken over the fact that his apple pie happily-ever-after just became a real possibility only to be gobbled up by cosmic goo eight seconds later.ā
"One person couldnāt feel all of that. Theyād explode!ā
āJust because youāve got the emotional range of a teaspoonā¦ā
We know Dean feels things more profoundly than any other human in existence. He struggles with words not because he doesnāt feel things, but because he feels things too deeply and the English language is terribly inadequate.Ā
āYou wanted to know what about all of this is real? We are.ā
God himself confirmed Casā theory there. The one thing on this Earth that God couldnāt control was Casā¦ and why? Because canonically, this was the only Castiel to fall in love with Dean Winchester. They, their bond, the love they share with each otherā¦ itās the only thing thatās real out of any of it.Ā
And that is canon. Full stop, no room for interpretation. The profound bond is the only real thing in the entire show.Ā
So yeah. Maybe Dean never gets the chance to say it back. Maybe he does say it back but it still doesnāt matter. Maybe Cas comes back, maybe he doesnāt. But, I think itās abundantly clearā¦ that however the last two episodes play out, Castielās confession and sacrifice will somehow be the tide that turns the war. Itāll be the thing that saves the world, saves Dean.Ā
āDean Winchester is saved.ā
So I donāt really care as much now how those of us on this side of the fourth wall see it anymore. āBury your gaysā, unrequited love, requited love. It doesnāt matter. Because Cas has been real to us in ways no other character ever has been. And for him? This act, this single, selfless, bursting-at-the-seams with love actā¦ made his billions of years of existence worth something.Ā
And I donāt think Iām prepared to let anyone take that away from himā¦ away from me.Ā
Soā¦ I think what Iāve come to, is that we have two choices. We can choose to be angry, to be spiteful and jaded that it didnāt happen the way we wanted it to.Ā
Or, we can look at it for what it is. And what it isā¦ is beautiful. Beautiful and painful and altering.Ā
Would it have meant as much to us if it had happened any other way? I mean look at it. Really look at it. If Cas had just gone āHey, I love you,ā and Dean had given him finger guns and said āI love you, too,ā it wouldāve seemed awkward and forcedā¦ and fallen flat.Ā
But this? This was so fucking raw. So pure, so genuine. So inherently true to who they are that itās almost impossible to deny it.Ā
I feel like weāre living out a twisted version of the mixtape scene. We were handed something simple that we didnāt know what to do with, and we tried to hand it back, not seeing it for what it was. And Dean, Misha, the writers, the members of our fandom that arenāt as deeply skeptical as we areā¦ they shoved it right back at us. āItās a gift. You keep those.ā
We should keep it.Ā
In a desperate attempt to see this differently than I had since the episode aired, I spent a few hours yesterday talking to people and watching old moments.Ā
As a friend put it:Ā
āThis show has never been about romance. Itās always been about deathbed confessions and sacrifices and hope in the darkness. Itās beenā¦ from its inceptionā¦ a show about family. About forging bonds that withstand any test. And this? This was just another test. Take reality out of it. Stop looking at it from your own eyes and see it through Castielās. This was the pinnacle for him. The moment his entire existence has been building up to. And he walked into it willingly, with eyes open and heart so full of love it was pouring down his face. And God himself couldnāt stop him, thatās how strong his love was. And Dean? Who always puts his brother first. "Thereās nothing and no one that I would ever put above you.ā That same Dean, in the middle of another apocalypse, ignored Samās multiple phone calls because he was so heartbroken. He was putting someone above Sam. That right there is a louder declaration than if theyād have fucked on screen in front of our faces.ā
And sheās right.
From those first seeds of doubt in S4E16, when Cas said he āwould give anythingā not to have to force Dean to torture Alastair when those exact orders came from the superiors heās obeyed without question for an eternity, to all the times he promised to walk through fire for Dean. āIāll go with you.ā āIāve got you.ā Itās been there.Ā
Heās been in love from the start. He came off the line with a crack in his chassis, and that crack was Dean Winchester.Ā
Itās been there all along.
"You changed me.ā
Yesā¦ and Cas changed Dean. He changed me. He changed all of us. And thatās still more than I can say of any other character in any other show Iāve ever seen, regardless of orientation or identity.Ā
And that means something.
I actually do think Dean and Cas will get a happy ending. That may be naive and stupidly hopeful, but I do.
The rest though...YES. ALL OF IT.
