The string led Sullivan around a few turns until finally, he realized its origin. In one of the ship’s far corridors was a closet-sized cubby, a little-known nook with a porthole; perfect for spying enemy ships or observing passing comets with your destined love. Sullivan struggled to swallow the lump in his throat and crept the last few steps until he edged around the entryway. He looked terrified, he was sure, and deeply sorry for it, but as soon as he saw who was waiting for him, he was on the verge of losing his composure completely.
“Hyung!” he choked out, chin already trembling, his voice little more than a hoarse whisper with a squeak at the end.
the past few weeks have been particularly difficult, less sleep leading to more thinking and that following up with a sense of anxiety and nervousness junseo simply couldn't shake. since the day that sul came to the medical bay, the hope that he buried down deep has resurfaced, questions running through his mind, the what-ifs, that foolishly optimist part of him that says that maybe, just maybe sul likes him back. after sul’s arrival to the medbay, he had ran tests and having seen that nothing was wrong, that was all he could think about, the feelings he had for the boy for so long, his acceptance that sul would never love him like that. but then, then sul had come barreling in, so hurt and pained that junseo would do anything in his power to make it stop, give him the happiness he deserves so much. could it be ? should junseo finally open up to his feelings while the fear of losing him was so close at bay ?
truth to be told, he doesn't think he could bear losing sul a third time, he doesn't think he can survive it, and even he manages to live through that, he knows that he won't be the same. it's the reason why he's so so afraid, helpless, unsure — what if he puts sul in an uncomfortable situation after all they have been through, destroy the beautiful friendship they have for his selfish desires ? that was all he thought in the past two years, his hands flittering too close to the other, heart always a bit too open, desperate to be around him, to know that he was well and happy. if not for the recent developments of sul coming to him, junseo knows he wouldn't consider this at all, but since that occasion, that's all he could think of. that maybe he means something to sul, something more than just friends.
it is a special day, it truly is, the day of yue lao's string, valentine's day, the day that comet will pass by them maybe once in their short lifetimes. and what more poetic than to confess his feelings to sul that day ? it's not something they will witness soon for a long time, and it feels fitting, to finally open up about how he has been feeling since they were kids, hopeful, innocent, dancing in the moonlight. sul's special to him, has always been, and always will be. he deserves the best and junseo will fight tooth and nail if anyone were to disagree with that, the pacifist he normally might be. he know he isn't the best, never will be but the fate seems to have woven them a path, and he knows he has to take his shot, at least give sul the chance to know about the truth. junseo has never been someone too religious, yet he fully believes that fate has brought them together so many times, the first night in londinium at that event, then after all those years in ariel, then back in serenity. their paths have crossed in such ways that junseo can't call it a simple coincidence, and the fact that sul came to the medbay mere weeks before the comet tells something to junseo as well. maybe it's his mind trying to find a reason, but be that as it may, it's going to be the night he opens up his heart, bear his soul open in more ways than one.
of course, many, many preparations were due — not only because he knows sullivan would adore a romantic gesture, but because it is a special night, and nothing less would suffice. he has been planning this the entirety of the past few weeks, making up a speech, writing it and practicing it over and over again. the old speech he wrote so many years ago has been revised for the better, and his nervousness only increases as the time passes. he stands there in the middle of the room, the decorations he put up has been thought of in detail. there are windows to watch the comet pass by, and he also has taken a great time to pick up a good outfit. he knows sul prefers things on the formal side, and it is only proper for something like this. so junseo has worn a dark red suit, the white shirt crisp underneath the suit jacket. there's a brighter red coat on top of the suit, and his hair is styled, pushed to the back. the only piercings he is wearing are the ones on his ear. simple to fit with the suit, not wanting to seem as if he isn’t taking it seriously. it took a long time to dress up, wanting to make sure he looked just right. he still isn't sure if sul's into him like that — he has doubts but he knows he has to look his best if he wants to impress the younger.
he stands there, one end of the string on his ring finger, his eyes glued there as he waits. waits for it to move, waits for sul to pull it slightly to show him that he is on his way. the moment it moves, he holds his breath, his hands begin to shake as he looks up, waiting for him to come to the room. it happens after what feels like an eternity, and as he always does, sul takes his breath away, or well, what was left of it. sul looks scared, terrified even — and it sends that pang through the doctor's chest, making him worry that maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, maybe the sweet, kind sullivan is going to be forced to listen to him ramble about something he does not care about. the self-doubt is always there in his mind, but after weeks of practice, he knows he has to let everything out, for the sake of both of them, of a future that might happen, and the long past between these two. he wants to open a new page, he really does, and it feels like the start of that as he opens his mouth.
one hand pulls the string gently, softly so that sul knows he's pulling him towards himself, and junseo tentatively meets his eyes, gives him a soft and gentle smile. "hello sul, i — " for a short second he feels like he has forgotten everything, how to start, how to begin explaining the thunder in his mind. his stomach turns into a knot the moment he sees him, there, in front of him, as gorgeous as ever.
"i wanted to talk to you, in private. i need to tell you about something — something that has been affecting me for a long time and i — as scared as i might be — i want to tell you the truth. you deserve to know the truth." his breath shakes mid-sentence, and it takes a herculean amount of effort for him not to stutter. "before i start, i want you to know that, whatever your decision might be, it doesn't have to change anything if you don't want to — it's, it's about you sul, and the last thing i want is to make you uncomfortable. i just want you to listen to me because i — because i have some things to say."
his hand shakes over his suit pocket where the speech is written on a paper, but he knows it by heart, there's no need to read it from there. it's just the nervousness getting to him, and he doesn't want to leave sul hanging for long, he deserves better — he deserves everything good and all junseo wants is to give it to him. "remember the night we danced ? i was looking so unsure, so out of my element between all these new people, not knowing how to dance, fresh out of boros and so so excited to talk to new people ? you pulled me away to teach me how to — and a surprise to us both, i got the hang of it pretty well, if i may so myself." he lets out a short laugh at that, one shaking hand going up to fix his hair.
"i didn't know then, i was probably too young to put a name to what i was feeling but i — that was when i knew i wanted to be around you, spend time with you. world has thrown so much at us — i - i don't want to talk about the bad things in a day as beautiful as this but you sul — you mean so much to me, it's so so hard to explain. but i will try to. do you remember the video you sent me ? you playing the piano shortly before your birthday ? it has to be one of the most beautiful things i have ever listened — next to your laughter that rings throughout the end. i played it so many times, sul. so many times when you were gone, so many times through the war. me, who has no idea about music at all, i could swear that i have memorized every note in that song. it was all i had to hang on to you — and that night, when i — when i called your mother ? i was intending to do this right then, so many years ago, but fate didn't give us a chance to. the music box, i carved our initials under it with a heart, the song that i loved and memorized so quickly just because it came from you — i was hoping to open up to you then. and i — after what happened, i didn't know if i would ever have the chance to see you again. hear that laughter i loved so much."
his eyes water but he blinks the tears away, not wanting to ruin the whole night by speaking of wounds they both have. "then you came back to me — fate brought you back to me. back to ariel, and i — i have never worried more in my entire life. i didn't have the chance to open up to you again either, i — i just wanted to help and the fact that i didn't hurt me more than anything else could —" it's a part that he cuts short, not wanting to make sully feel guilty for something that has happened so long ago. "and then — then we met here again. on serenity, parts of our innocence, and happiness back. i know most of it is gone, but fate brought us together again, and i — on a day like this, i wanted to tell you how i felt for so long. the speech i wrote all those years ago still applies, it truly does, because it has always been you sul. only you. i love so much about you, it would take me an eternity to explain it all. how you grumble but smile in the end, that little upturn of your lips that is so very endearing. how you manage to bear with me, my rants about nonsense continuously and still laugh at my jokes. i — i've been in love with you for a long time sul. i never thought it would be requited, i had hoped it was — but then you looked so happy in serenity with others when i first came, happiness that i hadn't managed to give to you before, that i wasn't sure if i would ever open up to you about how i felt."
"then — you came to the medbay, telling me that being around me made your heart beat faster. and after tests telling me that you were physically healthy, i had only one thing in mind. and i — it is the same with me sul. whenever you enter the room, whenever you throw that blinding smile or a shy laughter at me, at anyone, i can feel my heart want to come out of my chest. like that child so many years ago— i want to be with you sul, and not just as a friend. you have gone through so many things, and i — i want to try to give you the happiness you deserve. so that's why, on this day, i wanted to tell you about how i felt. sullivan min, i have been in love with you for so many years, and i am still in love with you. i love you. and i — i wanted to ask, whether you — whether you would be my lover, my boyfriend ?" he lets out in the end, his eyes teary but with that huge, hopeful smile on his face. he has no idea how sul will react, but his chest feels both lighter and heavier at the same time. lighter because he has let it all out after so many years, and heavy because he is afraid, so so afraid to have hurt sul. so he meets his eyes, and simply holds his breath.
jbbartram-illu
gummygunk
baratheonpilled
kianamaiart
origamiaround
ellievsbear
