This got reblogged a time or two before my old blog got deleted but I promise it's mine.
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A name on the community organizing screen stopped my casual scrollingā Weston Meers. Holy shit. I clicked his name, and with a little bit of stalking, found out he had come out as gay years ago. Thatās what he was doing in the queer meetup group, apparently.
Why was any of that significant? I bullied him in middle school. Not so much the scary ātake your lunch money and shove you in a lockerā -type bullying, but teased him over a decently long term for the fact that on a few occasions, he had wet his pants.Ā
The memory came rushing back at me upon seeing his name. I didnāt process it at the time, but the reason I bullied him was because in no world could I have accepted the risk of being nice to him after that. Equally as important was my understanding that liking boys, and specifically liking watching boys hold their pee (and lose it!) was unfathomable depravity. Pants-peeing was for babiesā gross, funny at best, and for those not already invincible in their coolness, social suicide. No one could know. No one could be allowed to even suspect that I believed differently. And so even though I thought Weston was perfectly likable, cute, and even my crush ever since his first accident, I started calling him āWet-sonā and performed my obligation of making his class hours hell until we went to separate high schools and never saw each other again.
The wetting was all I remembered at first, and now I had a separate realization that he was also gay, for real. Of course he got homophobic comments along with the pee stuff. Many gave as well as they took in that respect, and no one who had a problem with it at first was listened to. It turned out they were wise, or we were stupid.
Ten years later, now I was left to grapple with all that came with his name appearing in the āGoingā column of the LGBT+ bonfire night. I had wanted to go, but if he was going to be there, perhaps I shouldnāt.
No. Part of the reason for going to queer-focused events was to be accepted. Everyone had flaws, big ones even, but mutual love and understanding were the only way forward. I did not want Westonās forgiveness. Deep down I wanted him not to show. Deeper down I just wanted to apologize. I put on my band-T, mildly tattered flannel over it, skinny jeans with a rainbow belt that I never believed Iād deserve to wear, did my eyeliner (even though it would be dark) and committed to the evening.
It was dusk when I arrived at the campground where the fire was being held. Some organizers were already hard at work unloading snacks and drinks. I felt ridiculous being so nervous, even if it were expected of someone fairly new to being visibly āout.ā I actually delighted in strangersā judgment the last few years. Good or bad, it meant they saw me, and not the paper doll I thought they wanted to see. The nerves were from anticipating the one personās judgment I knew would be for my actions, not looks.
I took a spiked seltzer, exchanged smiles with a few strangers and acquaintances, and sat down by the firepit. As the stars came out and the drinks flowed, the fire grew to a welcoming embrace. In spite of myself I started to relax.
On my way back to the cooler, I saw him. The anxiety hit me like a cold plunge. He must have recognized me too, as his brow twitched when we made eye contact. His eyes were as gentle as I remembered, reaching me from a more chiseled face. āWeston?ā I said.
He turned away.
I sighed. Not believing myself, I pursued. āHey,ā I said, keeping my voice low to avoid causing a scene, āItās Jace. I know I treated you like dogshit in school and needed you to know Iām sorry. Thatās it.ā
He actually stopped and turned around, his posture that of a dog unsure of whether he was going to be beaten. āYou mean it?ā
āYes,ā I said, taking another step forward for emphasis, āItās all Iāve thought about this whole time. I was scared and stupid, and you didnāt deserve that. At all. We donāt have to hang out tonight but Iām just glad I got to say so in person.ā The confession raced out of me as if under pressure.
He stood silent, letting my words percolate. āI appreciate your saying so,ā he replied, the barest hint of a grin darkening his cheek in the firelight, āāWet-sonā was pretty fuckinā funny though.ā
I let out a chuckle more in astonishment than anything. Was he rubbing in my shame right now, or what? āI just said that to hurt you and score points with my douchebag friends.ā
His grin turned into a full, genuine smile, looking only mildly devilish in the orange glow. He gestured towards the fire. We dragged our chairs a distance away from the others. They must have thought we were hitting it off. Weston agreed, āIt hurt a little at the time because I was scared and stupid too. But while youāre being nice to me, can I tell you a secret? He scooted closer to me and cupped his hands to my ear, giving me goosebumps. āI peed my pants on purpose.ā
I stared at him, jaw hanging open. At least I didnāt laugh or tease him this time. Back in the day, I might have found that admission devastating. As if it would have made a difference compared to having accidents. āMay I ask why?ā
āStop me if this is TMI,ā he said, āBut weāre both at a gay event so I feel like itās probably okay.ā We were out of earshot of others already, but I still leaned close for him to tell another secret. āI just liked it. I guess the first time it happened in school was an actual accident, but all the rest of the times it felt good. And believe it or not, the teasing was actually kind of part of it. Like I got to be the center of attention until I went to the nurse. I could apologize to you guys for including you all in my kink.ā
āBro,ā I said, entirely out of character for myself, āThatās actually pretty hot.ā It must have been the drinks talking when I said, āBelieve it or not Iām actually into it too. And as you probably guessed, more than a little bit gay myself. Half the reason I made such a big deal of it back then was because it made me feel things.ā
His lower lip curled. āI made Jace Proctor feel things.ā
He had earned the shot or two at me and more. āYes, you did,ā I yielded, holding my arms out in surrender, āI had a crush on you. Kind of still do.ā
āYouāre drunk,ā he said, chuckling, āNo one else apologizes to their bully magnet and then flirts with them.ā
āIām not that drunk,ā I said, suddenly self-conscious of my buzz, āIāve had⦠a few. Enough to make me have to pee, since you might like to know.ā
āI do like to know,ā he replied. āYou said youāre into āit,ā talking about me. You ever partake yourself?ā
āYouāre asking if Iāve peed myself on purpose?ā I clarified, stalling for time.
He nodded. āOr had an accident and liked it.ā
The momentum of the conversation had been so fast and inexorable I just told the truth. āYeah.ā
āYouāre fucking with me,ā he said, never losing his grin. Maybe part of him believed I was, but I think he knew in the way I said it that it was real.
āI swear Iām not,ā I said anyway, āIāve been into it since before I ever saw you do it. And you looked so fucking cute being all shy in your wet pants. Iām serious.ā
āWell you got to see me wet a few times,ā he said, āBut Iāve never seen you wet, so Iām not sure I believe you.ā
I did not know why I was flirting with himā the alcohol, the temptation of his good graces, my old crush, the thrill of the chaseā but I persisted. āWhat, you want me to pee myself right here?ā
He clamped his hand over his mouth in stifling his laughter. āAah, I almost peed first. But yes. If I see you pee yourself before saying goodbye to everyone, Iām willing to call us even.ā
āWait, do you have to go too?ā I said, calling out his comment with the hope of stalling yet again.
āA little,ā he said, suddenly making a show out of kneading his crotch for me, āBut this is your moment.ā
I tapped the armrest of my chair. āI have no idea whose chair this is, Iām not gonna pee in it.ā That much was true also.
He shrugged. āSo go standing up. Itās better that way anyway. But I bet you know that.ā
I rubbed the bridge of my nose. āYeah it is.ā The seltzers I had been drinking swirled in my bladder at the thought of letting it out. āI dunno though, Iām not sure Iām drunk enough to wet myself in front of people. Even as penance.ā
āItās honestly okay if you donāt want to,ā he reassured. On some level that answer disappointed me. āBut⦠I do recall hearing you say you still had a crush on me.ā
āYep,ā I said. No sense trying to weasel out of it now. āWhat does that have to do with anything?ā
āWould you do it for a kiss?ā
My face burned, and not because I was too close to the fire. āYou serious?ā I said, catching myself shortly after at how harsh that sounded. āI mean would you really want that?ā
āI dunno,ā he said, bringing his shoulders up around his ears like he did all that time ago, āIād try it.ā
My pulse thudded in my ears. The foregone conclusion loomed large. āI wanna do it.ā
He drew his feet out of his sandals to sit cross-legged in the camp chair, and wiggled his hips in anticipation. āIām waiting.ā
I had not worn sandals, but cold feet struck me. ā...I canāt do it here,ā I said, my expression falling, āIt would be too obvious.ā
He chewed his lip in thought. āOn the way to the bathroom then?ā he posited, āThen you have an excuse.āĀ
āFuck,ā I said, laughing at myself, āIām not getting out of this am I.ā
He shook his head, adorable curls bouncing as they always had.
āOkay,ā I breathed, mostly to myself, āIām going to have one more drink and then get up to go. You come with me, and Iāll let it out on the way there.ā
He grinned with something between childish glee and sinister victory, but reassured me again. āJust so you know you really donāt have to if you donāt want.ā He was being too damn sweet for his own good. Or maybe he knew I would not chicken out now.
āA little more liquid courage, and regular old liquid, and itāll be easier.ā I got up for my last drink. The need to pee hit me harder once I was standing. I actually felt the need to squeeze my crotch here and there as the urine pried at my bladder. At one point I would have denied that being desperate to pee, and even scared to wet, was a universal human experience. In trying to be smart I was dumber than I had to be. And now, in the midst of doing something dumb, I felt like my inner child needed to see this.
Having returned to his side, I sipped my drink (a bit more slowly than necessary) and ceremoniously crushed the can. āTo my doom,ā I said.
Weston twisted towards the restroomsā a cement-block shack with a pair of floodlights over the doors over by the treeline. āRecycling is over there too.ā He stood up and offered his hand to help me up. āNo littering allowed.ā
I took his hand and laughed at his obvious misdirection. I also took a moment longer than necessary to let his hand go. āIām guessing piss doesnāt count.ā
āUgh, Iām fucking drunk too,ā he said, staggering into me and nearly knocking us both over.
āDonāt do that or you wonāt get your wish to see me pee standing up.ā We ended up clinging to each other for stability, knowing that we were both relishing the touching.
He asked me as we drew near, āYou think youāre gonna make it?ā He elbowed me as he said it.
I got the message; now was the time. āAh, I donāt think so,ā I said, stopping and bending forward. I let my bladder go. The previous times I had wet myself, it took a few seconds to get going. Even as he held my arm, my stream battered my zipper, burbling in my tight jeans. My groin instantly filled with heat.
Weston moved in front of me and pulled me in by the small of my back, feeling my pouring crotch with his other hand. I think he wanted to say something, but was too rapt in the moment. So was I.
āApologies,ā his singsong voice rang out, āYou totally would have made it if I didnāt stop to kiss you.ā Before I could answer, he stretched onto his tiptoes and touched his lips to mine.
My pee stream was still fading as he did so. āYouāre getting pee on you,ā I said between kisses, immediately aware of how prosaic my concerns were.
He pressed our hips together harder, only saying āYours or mine?ā My stream had stopped, but the pulsing warmth continued. He had intertwined our legs and started peeing too.
I kept my eyes closed as his liquids coated my thigh. āItās so warm,ā I said, āI wish we got to do this sooner.ā
He continued nibbling at my lip and pushing the last spurts out. āI did do this sooner. You could have joined.ā
I sighed again, nestling my head into his shoulder. āIām so sorry.ā
āI know,ā he said, stroking the nape of my neck, āItās okay.āĀ
The two of us together were a sopping, pissy mess. We gave clipped goodbyes in the dark to those nearest us on the way to the parking lot. We stopped between our cars, holding both hands rather than part. I had never dared imagine getting to touch Weston so tenderly as he was drenched and smelling of pee, or that he would want to touch me while I did too.Ā
āI, uh, didnāt think this far ahead,ā I said, shaking a few drops from my legs.
āHang on,ā he said, quickly making for his car. He pulled a towel out of the trunk. āI donāt need it, I do this all the time.ā
āThatās hot,ā I said, carelessly letting another dribble go in my pants, āI guess Iāll have to see you again to give it back.ā
We parted after one more very wet kiss. Whether or not that night had been a dream, it did plenty to knock me out of my painful past, and revel in the euphoria of the present.