Itâs ten minutes of a sunrise every day
and then time is lost as you walk the long white corridors
And a thousand conversations, people sad
Afraid, relieved, surprised, beaten,
about to live through their worst days while we
But not too much or I will break
and we canât have that, can we?
The alarm goes off, a girl screams, sheâs shaking, sheâs dying
I feel impotent, thank God the others arenât.
I mean, I know what to do
but I get too involved and canât move my feet,
hope the others didnât notice...
A phone call, a patient has died
A bleep, can you check this one is dead? Heâs still warm -Â
They say we should prioritise the living, the dead are
I canât stop thinking about the man from last week. I told him
He had cancer - I had to - and his family and
then I had to take away his will when he was afraid of murder
and then I canât bring myself to take away her choice to stay with her partnerÂ
who hurts and steals and bullies becauseÂ
she says sheâll be okay.
My father told me, expect to leave two hours late every day.Â
Then youâll be happy when itâs only one hour.
But it still doesnât feel fair.Â
It doesnât feel fair that that a son should be told his father is dying, or
a personâs will is taken away when they are under the delusion they are sane
or a criminal gets the best care when he is abusing it or a disabled manÂ
canât tell us whatâs wrong
or I forget the name of a patient who died.
Thereâs only so much brain space and when youâre overwhelmed byÂ
the problems of today and can barely remember last week, much lessÂ
last month because youâre always so tired and behind and itâs
But you chose this, right?
And itâs worth it when you make that person smile,
When youâve got the diagnosis and can start treatment,
When youâve managed someoneâs pain,
When somebody understands whatâs going on because youâveÂ
taken the time to explain.
When someone says, âThank you, doctor!â
The word still feels unfamiliar
I still feel like a child playing dress-up.
But I gotta believe thatâs how they see me -
when people say Iâm âhardworkingâ, âon itâ, âcapableâ,
âcommunicate effectivelyâ, âa good team playerâ
when inside Iâm still shaking...
with thousands more to comeÂ
So far, itâs still worth it.
And maybe one day Iâll feel competent,
Maybe one day, Iâll believe it.
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
gamechangershow
amandla
andulkaphoto
ellievsbear
