It’s ten minutes of a sunrise every day
and then time is lost as you walk the long white corridors
And a thousand conversations, people sad
Afraid, relieved, surprised, beaten,
about to live through their worst days while we
But not too much or I will break
and we can’t have that, can we?
The alarm goes off, a girl screams, she’s shaking, she’s dying
I feel impotent, thank God the others aren’t.
I mean, I know what to do
but I get too involved and can’t move my feet,
hope the others didn’t notice...
A phone call, a patient has died
A bleep, can you check this one is dead? He’s still warm -
They say we should prioritise the living, the dead are
I can’t stop thinking about the man from last week. I told him
He had cancer - I had to - and his family and
then I had to take away his will when he was afraid of murder
and then I can’t bring myself to take away her choice to stay with her partner
who hurts and steals and bullies because
My father told me, expect to leave two hours late every day.
Then you’ll be happy when it’s only one hour.
But it still doesn’t feel fair.
It doesn’t feel fair that that a son should be told his father is dying, or
a person’s will is taken away when they are under the delusion they are sane
or a criminal gets the best care when he is abusing it or a disabled man
can’t tell us what’s wrong
or I forget the name of a patient who died.
There’s only so much brain space and when you’re overwhelmed by
the problems of today and can barely remember last week, much less
last month because you’re always so tired and behind and it’s
But you chose this, right?
And it’s worth it when you make that person smile,
When you’ve got the diagnosis and can start treatment,
When you’ve managed someone’s pain,
When somebody understands what’s going on because you’ve
taken the time to explain.
When someone says, ‘Thank you, doctor!’
The word still feels unfamiliar
I still feel like a child playing dress-up.
But I gotta believe that’s how they see me -
when people say I’m ‘hardworking’, ‘on it’, ‘capable’,
‘communicate effectively’, ‘a good team player’
when inside I’m still shaking...
with thousands more to come
So far, it’s still worth it.
And maybe one day I’ll feel competent,
Maybe one day, I’ll believe it.
dededos
andulkaphoto
turnnoffyourmind
2087
snowghoul
stormborns
