Pensive Pence @synapse-silence-blog - Tumblr Blog

Posts

I'm obsessed with this place. There is so much that threatens its existence, but it presses on in spite of it all. It proves the unprovable. It does the impossible. It provokes fate With hope And perseverance. Undaunted by tragedy Or turmoil, this city thrives on.

#mexico city #my city

The Epilogue

It's not over. It's not over until I can stop looking back, afraid that it will all come back to ruin me. It's not over until I stop feeling like I deserve what might come next. Falling out of your life becomes less of an endeavor and more of a nightmare each passing second. I never really wanted to, as much as I tried in the past. And here I am, supposedly out of your life, yet I've never felt so terrifyingly closer. I never imagined it'd be terrifying. Not until that day, at least. Now I can feel it very clearly. What grinds away at my sanity the most is what will come of it for you and your situation? How will it all unfold? I pray it always turns out in your favor. God knows you deserve that, at least. There's a lot more echo now, knowing I can't reach out to you. It's odd to think that, especially since I had thought the same thing a year ago, believing that a fair amount of scarcity was the right thing for us. Us. I was still under the impression that "we" were some sort of thing. We weren't. We had ended a long time ago. I never accepted it; and here I am... ...here I am. I deserve worse. And you deserve a new life. I hope you get whatever it is that moves you to become that which I always knew you could be. I loved you. And in a way I don't really understand, I still love you. ...Fare well, and farewell.

#hauntingregrets

I'm getting really tired of social media sites. Maybe it's because I'm not into 24/7 socialization, maybe it's because there's a lot of drama. Or maybe it's because I am forced to take a virtualized experience more seriously than the real thing that it emulates.

A Quest as Old as Time (The Music Particle, part 1)

December 27, 2013 (7:13 AM)

When I was maybe 7 or 8, I had taken a very strong liking to the music around me. My Dad had a Hammond Organ in the living room that he used to play every so often when I was 4. I remember our apartment back in Los Angeles; he’d play the same old tunes on it and sing to us. Ever since we moved to Memphis, the organ was mostly left untouched.So, one day when I”d gathered enough courage, I tried to play some tunes I liked by ear. it wasn’t much longer after that day that my parents had placed in me private piano lessons with our church pianist at the time, David. That poor unfortunate soul had the burden of giving me ‘lessons’ for the next 3 to 5 years. he wanted to teach me fundamentals. Reading music was hell on earth for me. I understood it just fine, but i couldn’t sight read worth a damn. I wanted to play Beethoven. He wanted me to fill out and complete lesson books. So there I was, keeping good posture and curling my fingers properly every Wednesday for one hour, every week. Try as he might, David and I just weren’t meant to be. When I got older, the Lane Music store where David would host our little hour of hell was closing, so they had a lot of guitars on sale outside. I took a liking to fidgeting around with them after my piano lessons. Come my thirteenth birthday, I I got my first guitar, but on the condition that I continue taking lessons from David. The funny thing is, I didn’t even bother to touch the guitar for an entire year, and I would quit the piano lessons come june. Nevertheless, the music bug prevailed; I taught myself guitar the next year, using a song book for parts of the mass that had guitar accompaniment for voice, and a complete glossary of guitar chords (I swear it had every guitar chord EVER). After mastering chords, I learned tablature, and fiddled around with songwriting here and there. I was 14, and just consumed by music. At some point, though, a thought crossed my mind, “What is it about this music that overwhelms me with feeling?“ Back then, I figured the answer was nothing short of a little more formal music training. By the end of 10th grade (now 16), I found a reasonable venture to take in finally answering the question: my high school offered an advanced placement course on music theory. I’d met the teacher for the course during my first two weeks as a freshman there through my older brother who was a member of the school choir. His name was Jeffrey Brewer, and he had welcomed me to join his class at any time. The action to take was obvious: it was at that time that I decided to take him up on the offer.

My junior year of high school could not have come sooner, nor could it have gone faster; I learned and entirely new perspective on music I had never before imagined. Intervals, scales, modes, chords and chord groups, figured bass and 4-part writing, harmonic analysis, borrowed dominants and 7th chords. it all intrigued me. So intrigued that I was, that I could’ve gone the entire semester having forgotten my initial reason, my limitless drive to learn all these things. It was during review week, when we were studying for the final exam, that Dr. Brewer had us review modes, and decided to talk about how in earlier times, there was the belief that music directly affected one’s mood. There was a “doctrine of affections“ by which composer followed as a guideline when composing because of that belief.

Upon coming home, I scoured the internet for such a doctrine. It took me three days to finally read more about it, only to be dismayed that the doctrine went out of use by the classical period as composers found it restricted their composition too much, as it was a modest attempt of the era at making a connection between music and psychology, but overall a joke from a professional standpoint because the aural experience, the interpretation of sound by the human brain is an incredibly complex affair and by no means simple enough to have a doctrine written about it long before the founding of psychology.

And just like that, my divine secret - my simple and elegant musical tablet of smaragdine was gone...

...and with its abscence, there came upon me

an incurable madness. and all it knew was a hunger for knowledge. (finished by 9:13 AM)

It's been some time since I've had poured my feelings of self-loathing on here... ...kind of not seeing the point in it. My personal baggage has been piling up on me ever since my last post, and what's worse is that I haven't had any time to myself to sort anything out. M and I didn't quite work out (apparently I wasn't ready to actually make that jump... I honestly thought it wouldn't be as enormous of a leap as it was eventually stretched out to. Kind of unfair, really). So, now I'm just trying to work things out with babymama. It's... ... ...working pretty okay for her. Sure, she doesn't like how I'm gone a lot of the time between work and school, and that I see M 2 - 3 days a week for more than an hour each day, and that we meet up to study on occasion, and that M confides certain things to me and asks for favors, but I haven't done anything to disrespect her except for the fact that she explicitly demanded of me to not ever see or talk to M (which I felt was rather excessively overstepping her boundaries, so...); nonetheless, she's getting a lot out of the relationship. Me... ...not so much. I'm not so sure that we'll last. So many things pop up day to day that raise red flags that I can't ignore. I try my best to carry my weight and extra, but I'm just so tired. I work 40+ hours a week, have school, and barely get to sleep. When Im free, all I want to do is sleep or try so hard to find a state in which I can be productive, but I never manage. Baby mama just isn't quite getting that I'm not just tired from work. I'm tired from not having any time for my son, for her, or even myself. I'm tired of working to death for only what seems to be scrap change. Most of my friends are starting to avoid me. They're tired of me being tired. They're done with how I've fucked my life up and complain about it, and I honestly don't even blame them. Moreover, my emotional life is getting more and more complicated by the day. (Kind of don't want to get into it at the moment.) So. Positives. I'm an assistant manager now. I earn $9.25/ hr as of last Monday, because my general manager appreciates all the hard work I've been doing an how I've been pulling my own weight and more during our hard times right now. Bought a new laptop, finally for a recording interface to record high quality audio now, and I have unlimited driving privileges to my dad's truck. Oh! I realized that by cutting some unnecessary spending, I can save as much as $200 every month. Also, my son actually hugs me and kisses me, and shows that he really wants me to be around and present for a few things. Despite my pile of shit, I'm grateful that I've come this far and achieved what I have. I'm only worried that I may not be able to go on for much longer. Something's got to give, I know it. I can feel it. But for now, I've got to try and keep it all together as best as I can.

I'm in the middle of nowhere Miles into misery. Because I can't afford the time To see the ones I love. I don't have the luxury to care for them like they deserve. I sit here paralyzed with heartache And a loneliness I do not wish to bear. I don't have the power to change these wrongs. And I feel so crippled All I can do is cry. But what keeps me up What I dread the most Is that one day You'll realize the poor And unfortunate Truth That has haunted me. You will realize that this life we are all a part of Is not fair. And I will no be able to Comfort you Or protect you From the cruel And painful irony Of hope and fate.

#Sean #parental concerns

My Dilemma

So. I've been up since maybe 8:30 this morning trying to figure out this one small but important detail of my life, and it's just really important that I do.

You know that feeling you get after waking up from a great dream, that even though it's over, you still feel great?

Well. That's how I woke up today. Except...I'm not exactly sure if it was a dream or not. I mean...I'm pretty sure it wasn't a dream. It didn't feel like a dream...but it's also so amazing that I almost find it hard to believe it was real. Guess that's just how M is.

Dear M, I miss you. I'm not comfortable admitting it but I miss you. I'm not sure if you know or even care, and that's what terrifies me most. I can't stand here and pretend that I don't freak out when you don't respond. I'm sorry that I do, and it's a problem I haven't been able to fix. Its just murder to sit here on the edge of forever and wonder if you actually care about me enough to accept my flaws. I can't say that I'd blame you if you said no... ...but even so, I hope for you to say yes. I want to amaze you. I want to astound you into a state of permanent awe; and yet, I wish you'd just find me amazing just the way I am because I'm broken and feel worthless. (I apologize to anyone who reads this. This isn't meant to be prose or anything constructive. I just needed to get those feelings out in any way possible. I just don't have the strength to make them flow beautifully tonight.) Sincerely, - h

Visit Original Link

So, today was a particularly shit day at work. I work at Domino's Pizza, and Mondays are typically slow days, so we only had 3 insiders scheduled to work during the evening. Unfortunately for us, we got an unusually high amount of business for a Monday and had to roll with it. We were running from makeline (where we prepare the pizzas), to oven (where we take them out and put them in the appropriate boxes), to phones ALL NIGHT. The amount of business we had usually requires 5 people to adequately manage, and we somehow made it work. What really killed was, though, was the number of calls we kept getting about complaints in service. We were bustin our balls to get all of these orders made and sent on time, but there was always something. Some customers were so understanding I could cry, but others were just so god damned rude. So, shit day. Anyway, so I get home and I can't just go to bed and call it a day because I have some payments I have to make, plans to consider for tomorrow, and to make things worse, I had lost my debit card Friday night at some point and it's now Monday night and still no show. Luckily, there had been no activity on the account since I had lost it, so I figured if it was lost, it just MIGHT be somewhere I can find it still like in my house or one of my parents' vehicles. Either way, finding this card would either make or break my plans for the entire week, so finding this dumb card was of significant priority. I had also missed a call from my baby-mama while I was at work when I'd been scheduled to leave, so I figured she'd be mad or frustrated with me since I hadn't answered her call earlier while I was at work or even listened to her voice mail. So, I get home and feel completely and utterly defeated, and I get a call from her. She's upset I didn't listen to the voice mail, and then something on her end comes up so she had to get off the phone. She'd sounded very frustrated the entire time, so I figured I was going to have to deal with that for a few days. So, I sigh and plug my phone to charge and check my text messages before doing anything else. I have a text from her, asking me to please listen to the voice mail, so I'm like, "fucking sure." Mind you, almost all of the voice mails she sends me are just her being mad at me for not answering, so I don't ever have high expectations of the voice mails she sends me. And so I go listen. Before you listen, it's worth noting that she mentions an ID that has my photo on it, which she acquired by accident a month prior to this when went to visit them to celebrate my son's first birthday. She felt horrible about it, considering when she noticed I had two Student IDs for school, she immediately chose the one where I looked the most awful and said she was going to take it and keep it for Sean, since he didn't have a photo of me, so that she could show him how ugly I was, should he ever wonder what I look like. **By some ironic turn of events, the ID ended up with her belongings and she apologized about it for a few days, even though I had explained to her that it was an expired ID and i didn't need it, etc. So, yeah. THAT'S the ID she's talking about.**

Okay, go listen to it... ...

...

... ... ... ... . . . . . . ...so I just about died of happiness after hearing that message. It flipped-turn my shit day upside-down and I am so okay with it. I love my son. <3

#baby #wonderweek #mischieviousmira #my son is amazing

Sail Away With Me

Sail away with me over yonder. Farther away than we know. Where we can chase a sunset Just to keep the day from ending.

Sail away with me and let me know It’s all you want and where you want to be. Dance with me under the skin of the sky. And smile the way you always do.

Tell me secrets silently with glances. When it’s cold, take my jacket. And when you need it most, let me take you in my warm embrace.

Sail away with me and hold my hand. Keep by my side, steadfast, and true; even in the face of the harshest of elements. And when I make mistakes, tell me you love me anyway.

Okay, so...

...I think I'm not high anymore. Like, thank god because that lasted a while, but also god fucking fuck I'm not high anymore. Also, wtf happened in class today??? I was here the whole time, and I paid attention, but it was like I didn't understand it at all. I kind of want to say it was because I was high, but I also kind of think that this happens every day, so...

#adventures in english comp

Pixie Dust Only Gets You So Far

I’m all worn out From past loves and time lost. I’d say I learned lessons, But you know, the whole “fool me twice” or whatever.

But…

…I’m kind of an idiot when it comes to falling. You’d think I’d just not jump. But nah. I leap off Hosannah’s highest Close my eyes And hold my breath.

Because maybe you’ll be the one

That makes me

Walk on air.

Inebriated. Intentions blurred. Feelings vague. Regrets made. Hearts torn. —————————-

Been smoking a lot. Trying to leave. I’m hoping To just fucking die.

The tar stains my lips. I just want the cold to fade. Somehow lose my grip.

Drowned and twelve shots in. Faces. Focus. Fading out. Need a bathroom now.

Company. Comfort. M’s words made the world less cold And helped me come to.

Morning. It all changed. Vomit. Nausea. Mem’ry blurr’d. And the world went cold.

#drinking #alcohol #im just a lover for one rotation of the world

I Wish I Could Make You Understand

I wish I could make you understand just how big of a deal it is that I text you almost every day. I don't even text my best of friends on a weekly basis. I don't even call people much anymore. Did you know that when you ask me who I'm out with I actually tell you more about it than whenever my parents ask because I lie to my parents? If I had a significant other, I'd probably still text you "good morning" and "good night" more often than I would to them. Back when we were dating, I hid statuses that I was tagged in because I was afraid that you would get mad or jealous. I stopped doing that when you said that you check my Facebook because you worry about me. I wish I could explain to you that despite the situation we're in or how often you push me away, and regardless of how much shit you've thrown at me, I text you almost every day because I care about you a lot... ...but you don't know this because all you care about is finding a reason to label me a fuck up and drop me out of your life.

#you're fucking blind #she doesn't know #she's fucking retarded #baby mama drama

Adventures In English Comp II: Why Are You So Lazy?

#adventures in english comp

To Whom It May Concern,

So, if you've just stumbled across my tumblr or if you've been following me already, I’d like to make it a point to formally apologize for some of the depressing (and sometimes alarming) content that I write and post. It is with deep regret and great reluctance that I must inform you that I am not well. I am very depressed. No, I’m not seeing anyone about it. No, I’m not medicated. And no, I’m not talking to anyone about it. Almost all of my close friends are aware that I probably suffer from depression, and a handful of them bring me whatever comfort and consolation they can when I am down. My life isn't tremendously despicable, but I have difficulty experiencing negativity as scarcely as I probably should. Some of it is just hard to ignore regardless, but some of it has to do with how I think and see things in a fundamental point of view.

When I was about 12 or 13, it occurred to me that I had a deep-rooted belief that everything that is or was, is interconnected in a very thorough but elegant weave. Not in so many words, and most definitely not with so much clarity, but I had the rough idea, which over time I have managed to better understand and explain.

In some ways, this point of view helps me intensely. Tasks that once seemed difficult or required a significant amount of effort to do became much easier. Remembering things, understanding new ideas, being aware of others’ thoughts and feelings on a given situation, coming to terms or understanding with people or with circumstance, etc. Whether the cosmos is actually woven with this aethereal fabric is not what was important to me. It was simply that the concept helped me automatically make sense of things I previously could not piece together.

However, when I’m not in the best of moods, this thinking process is more hurtful than helpful. Things go from bad to worse in the blink of an eye. It’s hard to be blind or ignorant to patterns that have red flags planted all over them. I used to deny things a lot, but when my logic was vindicated by the truth of the matter, it only further reinforced my feelings of hurt with everything I could possibly associate with the situation. Logic is a hard argument to fight, and it's only harder when you're not at your best.

After fights with friends, family, falling-outs/ break-ups with close people, and devastating compromises of trust, I was replete with proofs of social patterns to be weary of. For a while, I accepted it. Figured it’d be useful for future ventures at friendship and romance. Had a couple relationships. Committed, but on my end casual. I knew they didn't mean much and weren't going to last, but enjoyed the idea of being “okay” with someone. It wasn't until I realized that I was falling for a friend about a year ago that I wasn't at all okay with being in a serious relationship. The idea was terrifying. Like, the idea of being with a special someone is obviously still very desirable. I still want that, you know? But… I’m also kind of very fucking scared shitless of having a relationship like that. What’s worse is that I didn't really know just how bad it was until a few months ago (early-mid December 2013). Something as innocent as trusting a friend a little more than the day before nearly sent me into what I can only assume would've been a panic attack. I wasn't comfortable with the level of trust my friend had gained. It was weird. Like, I still trust her, but my fear of that trust doesn't degrade the trust I have for her. (Any further attempt at explaining just gets confusing and strange, so I’m afraid that’s the best I can do.)

Also, there have been some scars that have been revisited and cut again recently. I'm trying to let go of someone I should have left years ago, and it's hard. This old and close friend has been an important companion of mine for a little over 11 years, and throughout that time, I grew accustomed to finding comfort in her. After lots of painful experiences between us, I'm learning to stand on my own. It's especially hard because she isn't ready for it, and keeps dragging me down. Up until just recently, I was heartbroken at the idea even though I knew it was for the best. Certain events transpired that brought to my attention a significant amount of disregard of my well-being on her part, despite what she would like me to believe. Whether she means well or not, it was my cue to leave. I only deeply regret having to be so deeply hurt time and again for me to have realized what needed to be done. And so, it could be postulated that I'm going through a very difficult time in my life right now...

...But Some Days... (To Whom It May Concern, Continued)

But some days I wake up to the calm fingers of someone thoughtful or I am overwhelmingly hugged by the warmest of comforts. I am sought out by the sincerest of persons who seek my company my laughs my words — — my simple affections. Some days I walk outside and I am demanded for a reprieve from the morose in the form of my name being screamed and squealed

(as though it were an orgasmic clincher) by a car full of friends waiting to greet me at long last.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Pensive Pence