System of Duality

Semi abandoned system blog. Follow my main @ The Duality System

[hopewarrior-duality]

Thanks for the property damage payment.

[allygirlll]

[insaneinpink]

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[thedualitysystem]

We've been mostly integrated for quite some time now. Ever since we took those antipsychotics that forced us all to fuse. Our system was never really the same again. We were blending together almost. Even when we separated and found ourselves again we were closer than ever. It never felt like a true integration. We weren't one person. We were just all moving as one with the united purpose of taking care of the body. Like a hive mind almost

We're definitely starting to split again now. After all the breakups and relived trauma. I don't feel like Alex anymore. I'm not remembering things I did or said in the past. I'm being extremely inconsistent with what I tell people. I'm acting in very different ways each time I see them.

But the worst part is that I'm not aware this time. It's so quiet in my head. It's just the bad voices not the familiar ones. We've been completely co-conscious with each other since highschool. I feel like I'm losing all that progress. Losing myself. Myselves.

I just feel so alone again.

[thedualitysystem]

I'm sorry this was just the only way I can talk about it

I still did a lot of bad things and hurt them a lot. I know that. I wanna make it right with everyone but. I can't until they acknowledge this was wrong.

[thedualitysystem]

I had written a post about.. well my sister. My sister's friend mainly. I wrote the whole thing out. It was really long. But when I went to post Tumblr ate it up so that's gone now. I like to think tumblr deleted it on purpose because it really is an unspeakable horror

One line I wrote is something like. I know for a fact that both of my sisters have been sexually abused. That means all of my mother's daughters were hurt like that. God I wonder how my mother would think of that.

And well, I talked to my mom. About everything. I told her a lot of my sexual trauma. She was extremely sympathetic and supportive and told me all the things I needed to hear. Good mom moment. But then she started talking about something before stopping herself.

"You know, when I was younger... I had all kinds of problems with boys- Don't ever let someone make you uncomfortable like that. It's not your fault. It doesn't matter if you didn't say no or whatever. It's not your fault that happened."

I guess I have my answer. I'm really sorry mom. I have a tendency to blame you for everything that happened to me. I have this idea in my head that nothing bad has ever happened to you and that it was only me who ever suffered. But you suffered the same way mom. We all did. The whole family. How fucked up is that? That we never talked about it? Never knew.

You didn't protect me. But I don't think you even knew how to protect. I don't think any of us even wanted to acknowledge it. But... Mom I understand you now. I can feel how heartbreaking this cycle is. How awful of a life we've all had. I forgive you. For not protecting me. And I love you. I always have and always will.

I love you mom.

[thedualitysystem]

Sarah. I met her without Jet. I always wanted Jet and the rest of my friends to meet her but she lived out of town and was constantly busy with college. She could only visit me occasionally and usually only for a little while. We texted a lot about sex stuff. Like kinks and stuff. She was definitely the kinkiest person I've ever met. Not always in a good way. fuck. why did I stay. She was really into death. She collected bones. She had a tendency to pick up road kill and keep it with her till it decomposed completely. She had lots of bones. I met her in a graveyard, fittingly. The was a grave for two newborn children. Twins that died at birth. I thought that was one of the most tragic things I'd ever seen. Me and Sarah talked about it for awhile. Later I opened my phone and checked Pokemon Go randomly. I saw that someone had put a pokestop right on top the children's graves. with a photo and everything. I couldn't comprehend how someone could be so inconsiderate of the dead. Care so little.

Then I spun the Pokestop.

Imagine this being your legacy. How random strangers remember you. What they do with your corpse long after your family stops visiting you. I wonder if these posts will be that for me. Or maybe the countless nudes I gave out to strangers when I was barely an adult that are definitely floating out there somewhere. Who cares? What does it matter? You'll be dead. Sarah frequents that graveyard ig. Apparently one time she saw a guy digging a hole there at night. He said he was the groundskeeper but he looked homeless and seemed erratic. What if he was grave digging? So many fucked up things in this world.. It's hard to decide what's worse. Me and Sarah had sex a few times. It was always very prolonged. Like all night. When she hung out she hung out for days. Would drive me to the middle of nowhere all the time and do some shit with me. That was our dynamic. She took me to lake in the middle of the night. She knew a specific secluded spot and everything. She wanted me to skinnydip with her but I was so nervous. It was really dark and I was starting to panic. Still it was a really fun night. Then she told me she hadn't told her boyfriend she was doing this. I told her I wasn't upset but that she had to. She said she was scared of telling him because she knows he's really into trans girls and wants to have a 3-way with one. Weird. But regardless I wouldn't see her again for a few months. When I saw her again she called in at like 3 am and asked to hang out. She always had perfect timing. She took me to a place called The Top of the World. A big hill where you could overlook the whole town. I grew up here and I never even knew that place existed. I saw my shitty red county not-city from a completely new perspective. Then Sarah tried to fuck me in the back of her car but I got too anxious about getting caught so she stopped and drove me home. She just never really hung out again after that. Never called or texted. I didn't blame her cause she had school. But eventually I reached out and she told me she'd actually been free and could've visited or called. I didn't know how to reply so I just didn't. Eventually I told Jet everything and they talked some sense into me. So I told her I didn't wanna see her again.

[thedualitysystem]

When we and Jet were back together we started dating Mars. We met them before the breakup but everything got cut short. I knew then as Aly first. We slept together a bit but didn't do much. I topped. It was fine. Me and Jet both noticed the switch to Mars. It really just happened out of nowhere one day. The way she dressed and acted took a complete 180. Me and Jet already knew we were systems so we clocked it immediately. Mars kinda knew too but would flip flop between denying it and admitting to it. Maybe that's when things changed. At some point I stopped topping Mars. I became their bottom pretty much exclusively. We had a pet play dynamic going. I really liked it. I like being a cat. It's not even just a sex thing. She really understood that and actually kinda treated me like a cat a lot. Like petting me and stuff. I guess it did get a bit intense during sex but honestly she didn't really do anything to me physically. There was just a few times where she'd do petplay stuff with me in public and it would get pretty inappropriate. One time she pulled my hair when I talked back to her in casual conversation. Ugh. One time we were at a bar, all drunk and I said I was cold so Mars just kinda put her entire body against me. Jet saw and did the same from behind. Just to keep me warm. But it started to turn into a bit more than that when Mars started touching and calling me a cat again. We were in public and I could tell people were starting to watch. I was scared we we're doing something wrong or making people uncomfortable or that somehow we'd get in trouble for doing this. But then this random girl who was looking said like "that's gay" or "that's hot" or something. And I realized that they were all watching because they liked it. Maybe they were envious of me. Maybe they wanted to do this to me. I had done some public stuff before but I've never been caught, let alone encouraged. I felt like.. prey. Like anyone could just do whatever they wanted to me. So many pretty girls staring at me like a defenseless animal. I just hid my face in Jet's arms. We planned on moving in with Mars, and their girlfriend Queen. We had a 4 way with Queen. She was also trans so I felt hesitant to do anything. Didn't wanna fuck it up again. But then she just kinda randomly kissed me while we were all sleeping together. She didn't ask. Jet and Mars just watched. Mars apparently talked to Jet in private a lot. Jet was starting to get the sense that Mars might be a chaser. And her relationship with Queen might not be healthy. I didn't believe them at first. Didn't want to. I called them delusional. I still hate myself for that. But we were moving in with them. We had to work this out. Mars said that she wanted a living situation where she could sleep with any of her roommates. Jet thought that was concerning. I didn't but I'm fucking prey. So I asked her if that would go both ways. If she would theoretically be okay with me or Jet sleeping with Queen one on one. If Mars was gonna be doing that with us. She dumped us after I asked. I guess it was just a stupid question. idk why I asked. I didn't even wanna sleep with Queen. I tried explaining myself properly and Mars just cut us off completely.

[thedualitysystem]

Me and Jet got back together after I met Faye. Seeing their issues and watching how much they improved in a short time gave me more faith in Jet. I texted them while Faye's polycule was on the Connecticut trip. And just like before Jet offered to drive miles just to see me again. How could I say no. They really seemed more stable. I guess the meds they were on or getting off of just really fucked with their brain. I was so happy being with them again. It was a little awkward at first but after a few jokes it felt like we were back to normal again. It all went so similarly to our first date. Like we were falling in love all over again. Jet told me I could sleep in the guest room if it made me more comfortable. We slept together in their room the first night we were back together. Then they held me all night. I love them so much.

[thedualitysystem]

I met Ava around the same time as Faye and Kali. She was really cool. I loved listening to her play guitar. We shared a lot of interests and could just talk for hours. She was the first trans girl I'd really been with since Penny. I hate to say that she they reminded me a lot of each other. The sex was pretty rough. If I'm being honest. We like split a tab of acid together. It was my first time doing it but it was like a tiny dose. Ava apparently didn't even feel it. She didn't make me do anything to her which was nice. But she did do stuff to me. Nothing I hadn't done before but she was a bit more rough than most people I'd been with. Maybe it was just the drugs. Regardless I realized it probably wasn't great for us to be sleeping together so she agreed to make our relationship mostly platonic. She was really sad about though. I felt bad. She didn't understand why and I didn't know how to explain it.

[thedualitysystem]

Faye had a polycule before I got together with them. I knew I wasn't a main priority because of that but that was okay with me. I met them and I liked them all. We hung out a lot. Faye was dating Saoirse and Saoirse was married to Kali. Eventually Kali told me she was interested in me and asked if I was comfortable doing stuff with her. I guess I was a bit unsure at first because Kali was older than anyone else I'd been with. Not much older. We were both in our 20s. But late 20s and early 20s can feel very different in terms of maturity. But I trusted Kali. I wasn't sure if I was attracted to her but I was willing to give her a chance cause I really did like her as a person. We had sex a few times. It was actually really great. Like fucking amazing actually. Didn't make me uncomfortable. Kali was really slow and communicative and almost made me feel like I was being squeezed in a hug whenever we had sex. If I wasn't into her before I definitely was now. Faye was having pretty bad jealousy issues though. Which is understandable actually but I got mad at her for it at the time. Told her she couldn't control my body. That's not what she was trying to do. She just saw how fast I was rushing into things and got worried. I didn't wanna listen to her. But then their polycule went on a trip to Connecticut, where I'm from. And I wasn't able to go with them. Which is understandable. They already had plans before I showed up. It didn't stop me from feeling very isolated though. I started having nightmares about Faye. I couldn't distinguish them from reality eventually so I broke up with her thinking she did something she didn't. When they came back from their trip, Kali almost completely ignored me. I didn't even get a hug. Suddenly whenever we'd talk it'd turn into an argument. They said they were on their period and couldn't have sex which is fine I didn't need that. I did really wanna cuddle though. Any reassurance that she was still into me. Idk eventually I got angry at her. I felt ignored. So I got in a really heated argument with her. She said to me "You don't communicate for shit, which is obvi still an issue" That made me so angry. Because it was so true. I kept putting myself into these situations because I can never say what's actually on my mind. How I really feel. So I did. In that moment. I just said "Fuck you Kali." Because that's how I felt. We don't really talk anymore.

[thedualitysystem]

We were broken up for about a year. In that time I met Faye and Ava. Who I'm still with. Faye was an addict. I knew that going in. I was mostly just smoking weed now. But Faye was honest and nice so I agreed to go on the date. The date was.. hectic. To say the least. She rode on a scooter to my place which was really really far. She ended up falling and scrapping up her leg pretty bad. I decided I should probably take her back to my place. It wasn't that bad, she was fine. We did end up sleeping together. I was really nervous. But for once I was worried about someone else. I knew she probably wasn't in a good state right now and I was scared of taking advantage. I remember laying down together and I was so hesitant that she just pulled me into a kiss. It all sounds bad I know. But Faye was really nice. Didn't do anything that made me uncomfortable. I topped her. Like actually. For the first time in ever. And that remained our dynamic. It worked really well for me. Learning to initiate things with her. I could do things at my own pace on my own terms. I know Faye is a switch and wanted to top me occasionally. Idk I was just worried ig. I liked what we had. I've never felt as dominant with anyone else before. Faye had a lot similar issues as Jet. Is having a breakdown and crying in public an issue? I mean I was always embarrassed whenever I did so one day in like 1st grade I just told myself that I was never gonna cry in public again. And I didn't. But I think that makes me the one with issues. Maybe I should cry in front of people more. It would definitely help get my point across better when someone is making me uncomfortable. I can't really help it now though. Tears just don't flow.

[thedualitysystem]

I broke up with Jet the first time. They were in a really bad state of psychosis. Their family, their job, everything was just stressing them out too much. They started thinking I was a cult leader and having all these weird delusions. The past me would've stayed. Either tolerated it or enabled it further. But Jet really did make me a better person. And I knew we needed time apart. So that's what I did. Idk if you know this but like I cried really hard afterwards. I went to go smoke and the whole time I was holding back another psychotic break. I kept telling myself that I'd see you again. That it was just a break. I grounded myself and it worked. I stood my ground and walked away when I needed to. Even though I didn't want to. I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have left you at all. Maybe I could've helped if I just tried harder.

[hopewarrior-duality]

[thedualitysystem]

Jet kinda saved me from that. They didn't pick me up immediately because they knew I needed time to recover. But holy shit them offering to drive hundreds of miles just to see me. And it wasn't like Penny because I was still getting to know Jet. They probably weren't even planning on having sex with me. They met my mom, they made me a sandwich, they gave me space and boundaries. When I got back to their house I felt like I was in a mansion. They had a dog that was bigger than me and felt like the kind of pet I always wanted. They had an island counter in their kitchen. That was my mom's dream ever since I was a kid. I remember texting her about it and she was really jealous. Jet didn't take me to their room immediately. They took me to the TV room and started watching Clone Wars with me. And going off about it in their autistic way. I was kinda on edge, I was wondering when they were gonna make a move. But they didn't. They didn't pressure me or make me uncomfortable at all. I just cuddled them and listened to them talk. It was so nice. I was so happy and comfortable that I asked to kiss them. That might be the first time in my life I ever have. *I* asked to go to their bedroom and it looked so cool and I was so excited to see all the art on their walls and stuff. We just cuddled. It was so nice. I felt so safe and protected with them. When we finally did have sex it was slow and subtle. I was a little surprised when they touched me but I trusted them and wanted this. And it was fine. I felt so fine with them. I'd never really felt that before during sex. Like they were actually paying attention to me and responding appropriately to my body language. They made me so happy. After they made dinner for me and trauma dumped to each other. I really felt a connection. Then out of nowhere they walked over to me, spoke in a completely different voice, and with no stutter at all just said "You're so cute" and kissed me. I fell in love with them. I know that's real love now.

[thedualitysystem]

When I threatened to kill myself and Penny kicked me out, I started doing a lot of drugs while living with my family again. I felt like a kid again. In all the worst ways. I met a girl online named Angela. I was in a constant state of psychosis at this point so most people just ignored me. She was the only person I talked to who wasn't freaked out or off-put by it. So we got together. I guess she had very similar issues to me. But she didn't know the words for anything at all. When I talked about BPD she called it "yandere tendencies" or something. She only really understood the disorder in that way. But she definitely had BPD. Psychosis too but she'd probably call it "psycho mode" or something. We just kinda. enabled eachother for that entire relationship. Putting each other into psychosis and then sexting. It felt divine. Better than any drug I was taking at the time. Having someone just confirm all of your delusions for you. Make you God. I wouldn't even have to touch myself to feel the pleasure of an orgasm. It was great. And it was so unhealthy. We got so much worse. Stopped recognizing ourselves. Eventually she changed her name to Lilith because of me. I don't think she ever went back. I don't think I ever went back to being myself after everything that had happened to me. Luckily the relationship didn't last long.

[hopewarrior-duality]

It's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault it's my fault its all my fault it's all my fault it's all my fault