Possibly Plural

Bitches really don't know, huh? I'm bitches. 

[systemsteamjunk]

Finally saw a DID specialist for the first time

He said my score on the DES indicated OSDD but my explanations of my experiences and how much time I've lost point to DID. I start working with him in September. Not sure how I feel but even that intake appointment was extremely draining

[systemsteamjunk]

Have not been on in a hot sec but our therapist sent in a referral for us to be seen by a DID specialist aaaa

It's been like a month though since that got sent in and we have heard Nothing and I am like,,,, my dudes,,,, my guys,,,, hello? it's been super weird since that like I feel way more dissociated on a daily basis and the switch amnesia has been a lot worse like used to have more I come back and have fuzzy/very little memory of what happened and now it's like I open my spotify and I'm like who the heck was listening to The Devil's Carnival soundtrack??? Why is my discord status Like That? When did this coloring book appear? We went shopping today???? I am surprised we have managed to vaguely keep up with college stuff

[systemsteamjunk]

Long Bad Therapy Rant

I will be leaving my therapist as soon as I can get any sort of assessments that she will agree to. This past session she stopped listening to me to google (google!!!) whether or not aspergers was still a "valid diagnosis" when I mentioned that I was pretty sure it wasn't. She then said it was only around June this year that it stopped being a valid diagnosis (I did not check but a lot of my autistic friends were like ??¿? it has been at least 5 if not closer to 10 years according to several many other professionals) and said she thought maybe I had that and not "full blown autism". I was talking about having others front and introduce themselves to my partner/my partner mentioning someone else being out and asking if I knew who it was, how I had been losing time and only able to 'know' vaguely what happened during that time instead of having any actual memory of it or not knowing at all and having my partner fill me in (if they were around; I lose a lot of time when they're at work so then I just kinda have to guess based on what the situation is and what changed between my last memory and present awareness) when I returned from dissociation station and she goes "I don't think you have DID, you don't lose time or have amnesia, maybe you are just depersonalized or splintering. I worked with someone who had DID once and he used to pretend to be Batman so I had the police watch him." Part of the reason I started seeing a therapist was to try and find ways to retain memory and she said we'll start with the fact that you have no memory of anything before high school and we'll do that by Asking Your Family For A Rundown Of Your Trauma (which I did one thing with and then she refused to help me process it when I asked for help and I Know that asking for a Quick Lil Timeline of trauma is a bad idea for me). Also did not know what OSDD was when I mentioned I started looking into these things because I had a friend with OSDD. Referred to alters as "characters". Also mentioned my issues with sensory overload and she was like "okay so what you do, right, is focus on all five of you senses" which maybe could work in some situations but I think if I am starting to experience sensory overload in public and then focus on what I can feel I will end up ripping off my socks and shirt and panicking. Yesterday I went to a work party with my fiancee and I was like "I cut out some sensory things and then when I got home I decompressed by doing as little looking, listening, smelling, tasting, and feeling as possible" and I think if I hadn't done that I still would be unable to put clothes on. Neither of these (autism or any specific dissociative disorder) are things that I feel I personally am able to self-dx so I do want some assessments done (even if she won't refer me to someone to do assessments for dissociative disorders, it would be helpful to get a general assessment; I will still be leaving even if that's the only one I get) and I am pretty sure I am part of a system and would just like some guidance on what to be looking into and would like a diagnosis to help when I'm dealing with Big Doubt Times and also to be able to look for someone who maybe specializes in whichever dissociative disorder I have or to get a more solid "you are not part of a system and should look into X instead". This woman literally thinks that all I have is anxiety (I am diagnosed with GAD, MDD, and PTSD) and apparently "aspergers" and anxiety is the only thing that needs treatment when the majority of my anxiety is managed with medication and things I have learned from other therapists.

[systemsteamjunk]

So,,, the old webkinz died? i guess? there's a new version that i installed for a little one and i feel bad because my fiancee just had to witness the poor kid having a Big Sad Cry About It Moment because they were having a hard time trying to figure the new webkinz out and just Really Wanted the original one. my fiancee downloaded the old webkinz onto their phone (i don't have an apple phone) and it's like you can look at your old pets and play the saddest amount of arcade games so that did not help their Bad Sad Time. i returned to the front with one of the guinea pigs on our lap and the little crying in the background and i really don't know what to even do about it

[systemsteamjunk]

Spotify Wrapped be like you don't remember this year and it is glaringly obvious two other people who use Spotify regularly based on the Top Songs

[systemsteamjunk]

I don't ever open the app store (no like hard reason I just don't have the thought to look for things on it) but it sure is open to a webkinz app and there's a little people question mark in my head

[systemsteamjunk]

me: there's no way it's any sort of osddid, I must just be misidentifying my symptoms also me: i lost an hour of time and Dragon Tales is playing on a very sketchy site?? also me: I Have Realized I Have Been Standing In A Weird Position With No Thoughts For An Unidentifiable Amount of Time and why am I in the bathroom and what is my partner chatting about from the other room? also me: where did this tattoo come from? also me: comes back with vague memories of what had been happening to my partner's "i am waiting patiently for you to stop dissociating into the void" face and a "hello, nice to see you again, (someone else's name) was just out"

[systemsteamjunk]

which me uses partner and which me uses fiancee because we are engaged but the undifferentiated parts that all still vaguely ID as the host use one or the other and that might be helpful in figuring people out better but it's like we can recognize (and to an extent) tell the little ones apart and the two known (aka introduced themselves to my partner) teens apart (different genders and one is like "cause mischief do harmless crimes >: )" and one is like bad taste in music and very flat affect) and the ageless anger inside won't let himself be misidentified

[systemsteamjunk]

sometimes i be like "nah you shouldn't talk to your therapist about your Plural SuspicionsTM" and other times I have forgotten half the day and my partner is telling me which little one was out and that I'm tired because a flashback occurred and find writing on the computer that makes no sense but it's my personal comp so it must have come from this body and go yeah huh I should be getting better help and even other times it's like BITE BITE KILL KILL USELESS THERAPY GRR so

[systemsteamjunk]

is it keppra rage or am i (persecutor protector)? the world will never know because i'm about to fucking murder every motherfucker starting with the guy who reamed me a new one for not calling a neurologist that requires a remote access code to fucking call fuck you dude fuck you and that whole hospital and the fucking neurologist that requires a fucking remote access code and every place that requires me to make a fucking phone call for my stupid fucking health fuck

[systemsteamjunk]

had my first therapy appointment since like 2018 on halloween and second one today but this is the first therapist since the guy that just took me to watch turtles when i was tiny that i think will actually help start getting me somewhere. also in the middle of the appointment she was like "so,,, i have diagnosed Your Mom" (not actually just like 'respectfully, this is The Vibez') and said the thing that my mother was actually diagnosed with and something that a lot of people have speculated about her having but i had only been talking about her for like 5 minutes so now i'm like bruh have you picked up Thingz and Stuff on me or??? will i ever been diagnosed with something other than anxiety depression and ptsd by a professional because family i'm still on good terms with and friends that have been Diagnosed With Thingz are like how are you not Diagnosed With Thingz? and i'm like will i get Diagnosed With Stuff?

[systemsteamjunk]

been seeing a lot of Host PostsTM recently we've used the term host pretty loosely since we figured out we were plural. like we'll say "Rian was the host for most of high school up to sophomore year of college" but "Rian" was (at least) three different people/parts (who have since changed in some aspect, for example two of the Rians and a persecutor fused) and who we refer to as the current host (Eli) is also probably not just one entity. part of it is the 'host' (as of now being the Elis) can't tell themselves apart super well esp when in front and can't(?) enter our innerworld. They all respond to/identify with (at least to an extent) the name/being Eli, are all out pretty frequently doing the general Life Stuffs, and also identify with (to some extent) the 'role' of 'host'. we're aware (even most of the Elis) that they might not all The Same but we will still say "Eli is the host" and oftentimes when we make jokes about 'the host' we mean most/all of the Elis. It's entirely possible that there is one Eli who just can't really tell the difference between being separate and being heavily influenced by fragments that also feel like an Eli. None of us have substantial communication with Eli and, at least with those of us around right now, we also can't tell if they're different or just can't make sense of being heavily influenced by fragments/others. there's the general feeling that as we're working through more of what's going on system-wise, they'll start to be able to differentiate themselves more but for the time being while they all still identify with being an Eli, we refer to them all as "Eli the host" and they're okay with that (there's an Elija that also gets lumped into the "Eli the host" group but if it is the case of one Eli that feels different due to the influence of others, Elija is actually different) it's almost definitely due in part to masking; with the Rians it seems like anyone who fronted daily was a Rian partially as masking but also they were all unaware that we were plural and stayed unaware of it even as several different parts. (also there definitely were several Rians even if there aren't necessarily several Elis) (also some of the Elis might have been Rians; the 'host switch' period was Weird and we thought it was some gender fuckywuckery that had us feeling wayyy different than being "Rian" so anyone who dealt with the general day-to-day living shit just started identifying as an Eli.) This probably makes little to no sense but we're still in the very beginning stages of sorting shit and also don't know how to phrase things more succinctly

[systemsteamjunk]

been rough lmao we just been dissociating for most of most days and last night there was a little out and the little and my fiancee walked into the hallway and it had A Smell and the little went "smells like daycare", then "I'm dizzy", went inside to our bed, and had a seizure that took us out for the rest of the night. and of course I was There to hear what the little said and caught some of the emotions/sensations attached to that so yeehaw. head hurty. I think someone is either trying to remove this knowledge or hold things together inside

[systemsteamjunk]

Realizing I am not enjoying My Beloved TV Show because I am This Me and not That Me

[systemsteamjunk]

We borrowed an air mattress from my fiancee's family and my grandmother texts me to ask what size it is. When I told her it was a twin she was like 'can you check and see if maybe it's a queen? a twin is a little small'. Like. Am I just supposed to will this air mattress into being a queen? What?

[systemsteamjunk]

Am I This Me in a mood or am I That Me? None of the Mes know

[systemsteamjunk]

we are taking the Adults in our system outside to have a cigarette and maybe someone will actually settle into the front and be able to have a nice time doing so