Systemfehler

[syystemfehler]

04 III 2018

Sometimes I can *literally* feel my emotional pain in my body. Idk what it is but it just really freaks me out. It's scary...

[syystemfehler]

18 II 2018

I feel like when people get to know me some of them think I need to be safed. And even worse they sometimes assume they could probably safe me. Fix my brokenness, fix my crazy. They find my damage tragically beautiful. But what happens when they realize that I don't get better just because of them? That their presence doesn't help me like at all? That they can't do anything to fix me? They leave. As simple as that. They cut me out of their life and probably go on like they never even knew me.

I'm too disturbing to be with. I know that. I say obscure things, I behave abnormally and I don't fit in anywhere. Knowing me begins as some kind of fascinating journey and ends in fear. Some people can take it but just for so long. I understand it. It gets annoying to always worry what I could do to myself. It's exhausting to be with someone who's always sad somehow. It gets scary to hear what I think, how I see the world.

I understand it. I'm trying to get away from myself, too. Obviously that's not possible. But it hurts nonetheless to be abandoned. Especially by people you love.

[syystemfehler]

17 XII 2017

Sometimes I wonder why I feel the way I do. Why I'm still depressed. Why it's so hard for me to move on. Why I feel so absolutely out of place in this world. And I've come to realize I'm just different somehow. Like you know this guy I really love dumped me and of course I should be angry oder idk pissed somehow, right? And I am. I most certainly am. Also I'm hurt, he kinda ripped my heart out and obviously doesn't even care the tiniest bit. But more than that I worry about him because the last time we talked he told me he's not so well. So what do I do? I'm worried about him because I want him to be ok even when I'm not. I still care for him and I'm way more worried than angry. It makes me sick and I hate myself for it but I obviously can't help it. I can't just stop caring about people just because they hurt me. And that applies to almost every single thing in my life. I care about things, about people and I can't just stop because it's hurting me. I just can't.

[syystemfehler]

I still dream about you but then I wake up and you're not next to me. And it just breaks my heart all over again.

That's literally the worst feeling of all. It's killing me.

[syystemfehler]

Do you ever just feel like disappearing?

~ ‘cause I do

[syystemfehler]

‘I know you’re not

the one I’m looking for

but I’m so cold and

a fire is a fire.’

~ does this make me a bad person? idk

[syystemfehler]

I still can’t breathe when I think about you. There’s still so much pain, I fear I might suffocate in it.

[syystemfehler]

[syystemfehler]

oh well, whatever, never mind...

[syystemfehler]

“You watch me bleed until I can’t breathe, shaking, falling onto my knees and now that I’m without you kisses, I’ll be needing stitches.”

~ Shawn Mendes

[syystemfehler]

[syystemfehler]

“Schnapsidee”

noun. a ridiculous and crazy idea or plan you have while you are being drunk. you don’t actually have to be drunk though, this word just indicates that the idea is so crazy you’d have to be drunk to come up with it.

[syystemfehler]

“Stop picking old wounds. There’s no infection left there. You just need to let it sit and heal. Let the memory fade back into darkness.”

[syystemfehler]

“Are we close enough? There is something I must confide,I think we’ve lost our touch, there’s no sparkle in those eyes. What an awful mess I’ve made, there’s nothing left to say.”

~BMTH

[syystemfehler]

29 X 2017

I decided to just pretend like all of this never happened. Like I never even met him. Because maybe if I just pretend long enough I’m going to believe it. Idk like it was just some stupid dream that I’ll forget after some time. Because maybe then it will stop to hurt me. And I’d be able to just forget about it. Even though I fear I’m not able to ‘just’ forget those feelings for him. I think maybe I’m going crazy but then again I don’t care. It doesn’t really matter, does it? It’s not like anyone cares. So far this year really has been devastating tbh. Of course there are some nice memories but most of them are somehow overshadowed by the stuff that happened afterwards.

Sometimes I really want to know why I always manage to fuck things up that badly. I wish there was a way to make everything right again. Not like it ever was but whatever.

[syystemfehler]

You left in peace and left me in pieces.

~ 9 word story

[syystemfehler]

mèlomanie

noun. an excessive and abnormal love and deep attraction to music and melody.