CRINGE IS DEAD

god's sleepiest jester (she/her, xe/xem/xeir)

[avidcollectorofdust]

Really glad predictive text exists. Should i bring my own parking lot

[sinni-ok-sessi]

I do think the ability to emoji-react is a net win for human communication. not only does it give you an outlet for 'I see and acknowledge this but don't have a verbal response' but it also adds a pleasing alethiometer element to things

my coworker announces that he's off to the dentist. someone reacts with a tooth emoji. is this a statement of dentist solidarity? a wish for my coworker to return with more (or fewer?) teeth than he set out with? simple word association? who can say

[courteous]

[verygoodcomments]

[venirush]

LEGENDARY THRIFT STORE FIND HOLY FUCKING SHIT. 2$.

[interested-individual]

New slang update

"Its raining, we should find some shelter" -> "Cats and dogs bro, we move"

[only-tiktoks]

[eroscestlavie]

when you’re a gay lion and you accidentally tried to introduce your lesbian lioness friend to one of her own exes at a gay bar and she goes into the bathroom and bitches you out for not being able to tell her endlessly rotating cast of girlfriends apart which isn’t really fair because first of all they all keep dyeing their hair different colors and second of all she keeps getting back together with different ones at different times and meanwhile you’ve been “single” for like 8 months but are spending a lot of time with one specific guy who works at your old co-op and were going to excitedly tell her about it tonight but now you’ve ruined the whole subject of dating by trying to introduce her to her own ex at a gay bar (which is a watering hole. because you’re lions.) 

[neonfretra]

do you want to play dead bodies with me

[neonfretra]

floats along your dash face down and quiet and cold

[moseby]

the best fruits are hardest to open

[trashboat]

this fucking bowling ball is gonna be delicious i know it

[nat-20s]

HATE when you can't stand someone who is literally harmless. Like oh I'm the bitch here. I'm 100% in the wrong but nonetheless fuuuccckkk this guy

[vitabreva]

[infectiouspiss]

disabled ppl we need to start lying to nosy people okay? you tell me i'm too young to need a cane and i will tell you point blank that maybe you should tell that to the guy who ran me over. you don't get an explanation of my health issues you get lies and depending on how much of an asshole i want to be that lie will be anything from a humble car crash to a 1 billion lions attack. mind yr business.

[infectiouspiss]

"i could never live like that" well maybe you'll have to because this happened overnight. yeah you heard me i was the most able bodied man in the world but then one morning bam i woke up disabled. yeah you could have that too. there's no cure either you'll just wake up one morning and now you have to live like me

[infectiouspiss]

"what happened" well have you ever seen looney tunes? yeah an anvil landed on me and squished me flat.

[kidzbopdeathgrips]

i just fucked the great pyramid of giza

egyptian government wasn't watching so i made love to it so sensually

[kidzbopdeathgrips]

they only figured out what happened when they noticed it blushing and smoking a cigarette and saw my footprints in the sand running away

[yugirimistwalker]

i tried drawing this iconic post 😊

[kidzbopdeathgrips]

looks great!

[innerchildabortionclinic]

was about to joke "hardcore conservative who insists on maintaining a smol bean tumblr aesthetic" but that's absolutely a thing on here already

[gallusrostromegalus]

A cat is a machine that turns proteins into violence.

[starathsbunker]

#Helios was declawed by his former owners so he doesn't just slap things he dislikes like most cats#he really only feels confident in hissing at them#Especially because a lot of the thing he doesn't like are bugs and those are sharp sometimes :(#Selene has figured this out and now when she hears him hiss she sprints over the kill the fuck out of the bug#Helios has learned she will do this so he'll hiss at stuff louder and louder until she hears him#A nervous old man and his emotional support homicidal maniac tags by @gallusrostromegalus

I couldn't reblog without the tags because the context is hilarious

[gallusrostromegalus]

A Nervous Old Man (right) and his Emotional Support Violence Machine (Left)

Yes, he is more than twice her size. Yes, he is five times her age. Yes, he cries like a big baby until she kills Unacceptable Scary Things (earwigs) for him.

[poorlittleyaoyao]

It’s unfortunate that MDZS isn’t mainstream enough to reference in casual offline conversation, because “this is what killed Nie Mingjue” is thee best possible way to describe an offensively grating piece of music and there is simply no normie equivalent.