#((existing is hard))

[yeahimatransman]

Signs from being younger that probably are signs of being trans:

Making a sock penis and wearing it in my room. Never admitting it, but wanting a penis.

Fantasizing that I was turned into a boy and choosing to stay that way.

Taking quizzes that claim to "guess your gender" and wanting to have the results say I was a boy.

This one makes me laugh, but pretending to be a boy when I would play on Club Penguin.

Really liking how I looked in our jazz band uniform which includes a men's dress shirt, dress pants, a tie, and a vest.

Signs in adulthood and right now that probably are signs of me being trans:

Buying a packer and really enjoying wearing it in public.

Loving the bulge my packer gives me and wanting to look at it all day long/wear it everyday.

Wanting a real penis.

I want a beard so bad.

Buying a binder and being frustrated that it didn't make me completely flat because I have a large chest. Kind of liking how it looked anyway when I was able to get over that and see that it did make my chest smaller.

Still fantasizing of being turned into a man and choosing to stay that way.

Going by he/him pronouns on here.

Changing my pronouns on Facebook to see it say "changed HIS profile picture" and seeing that I was listed as "brother" and "son" on my siblings and parents pages. (Changed it back out of fear of getting caught).

Changing my gender on Facebook to Male even though it's hidden.

Picturing myself in the future presenting as male with short hair, a beard, and having gotten top surgery.

I want to be a man.

AND YET I am still struggling with believing I am actually trans or that I should move forward with transitioning. There is so much that goes into this. Internalized transphobia. Inability to let go of my religion even if I don't necessarily believe because it's what I have known my whole life and all my friends are there. Religious trauma and being told that my being a woman is eternal and divine. Fear of disappointing my family and friends or confusing them/ruining our relationships. Messing with the status quo at almost 28 years old. Not being taken seriously. I probably should see a gender therapist.

I just really needed to get that all out. If anyone has any advice or ideas or maybe even just validation, I would really appreciate it.

[veevilic]

Don't you just love when you realize you exist on another level? Like- you randomly realize you exist, but you realize you EXIST.

And then sometimes that feeling is paired up with feeling like you're not actually where you are and watching it though a TV or something.

I had the best experience of this the other day. I was with my friends and we were eating lunch when all of the sudden that feeling comes. And paired with it was the mental numbness AND more.

That more was everything got brighter and more vibrant but also dreamcore like, and everything also got louder.

It's always hard for me to get back out of those mindsets, even if it's not that heavy of an example. Sometimes I just feel like I'm teetering between awareness and sense-of-self and that numb feeling that feels numb but also really heavy and stressful.

It's hard to explain, all of it is lol

[violentneoo]

when someone is so obviously cool as fuck but you're packed with anxiety and overthinking so you just have to sit there and cry internally because you couldn't compliment them 💔

[dailyrandomwriter]

Day 981

In one of the first job interviews I ever did, I told the interviewer about how my computer ‘puked’ as an example of how I handle stress. And by ‘puked’ I mean it wouldn’t load for whatever reasons, and at the time I was working at reception. It’s very hard to do your job when you don’t have a computer and people are coming in, in real time.

It was probably not the most professional way to explain that my computer at work malfunctioned, but the interviewer seemed charmed by the imagery, and commented that they would remember that term for their future use.

I tell this story not because I’m embarrassed by it, this was well over a decade ago, but I thought about it today, and my use of language. As an actual millennial, I grew up alongside the Internet. This means that I am more likely to ‘code-switch’, using terms and language at work than I would use in my daily life.

However, work is… like any other job, hard, and sometimes you need to inject a bit of humour into your workday, lest you start crawling up the walls in frustration. My way of injecting humour into my day is to use terms or sayings that I either picked up somewhere, or I made up but clearly have Internet vibes to those sayings.

Due to listening/watching one of my favourite journaling content creators, I am often telling myself that this will be a problem for ‘future me’. 

While rebooking a schedule for an assessment team, I realized if I rebooked the appointments in such a way it would make everyone’s lives much easier, but make so much more work for me. In which, I sighed, and muttered to myself “Well, plus ultra,” like I am some character from My Hero Academia. 

And most of the time, these things stay with me, but other times when I’m tired, or just done with life, they do slip out. Such as the case of this morning.

Today is Day 6 of the third round of medication, and while the medicine hasn’t completely taken me out, the 12 am and 6 am dose times makes it hard to get up in the morning for work. In fact, I was half an hour late for work, and I would have gotten in trouble for it, if I was one, in administration, two, working from home, and three, everyone who needed to know, knew I was on heavy meds, again.

Complicating matters was that one of our families forgot about their appointment tomorrow and had no arrangements to get to said appointment. This left the team (and me) scrambling to try and salvage as much of it as possible so no time is wasted. In addition, December rounds were not done being booked because families were taking far too long to get back, and I had an empty slot that needed a very specific type of client that I did not have and I had to figure out how to fill it.

It all worked out in the end, the family that forgot ended up being a hidden blessing because we could do half of their assessment virtually and then the other half in person in the slot I didn’t know what to do with for December previously. But, it was a lot since other stuff had to be done as well.

As a result, the manager of the assessment team I booked checked in with me. She knew it was a bit chaotic earlier this morning, and also knew I was sick. When she asked me how I was doing, I admitted I was late for work because, “I had trouble existing this morning.”

I'm 99% sure I didn’t pick that saying up from anywhere, but the sentence had a lot of Tumblr vibes to it. And I was a bit done with life even before getting on for work, so I had actually said this earlier that morning to someone else. However, both people involved are not only closer to my age, but they are younger than me, so they didn’t bat an eyelash at this.

So, I was startled into remembering who I was talking to when my manager laughed and said that she would remember that phrase to use herself one day. For a moment I was blasted back in time to that interview, and I couldn’t help but think, well at least she’s charmed by it.

But I reminded myself to be a bit more careful how I word things in the future.

[brotatowho-blog]

[shitty-proendo-blackout-posts]

trauma. TRAUMA.

i just wanna exist :(

[cottonscrambles]

I was texting my partner today, who’s a year older than me. We were discussing the fact that I’m about to leave for college, while he’s still staying at home, just, existing.

He seemed sad, even through texts. Mentioned how he thinks his dad is mad that he doesn’t have a jobs.

I told him, “Existing is hard!!! Being a person is hard! It’s hard to human sometimes and that’s ok” and it kinda hit me. Being a human is hard. It’s ok to have a bad day, bad week, or bad month. Ya it sucks, but you made it didn’t you? Nobody chose to exist, so when you struggle, just remember that existing is hard. Your just a human after all, and you’ve made it this far, so you’ll make it farther in the future