in a blink of an eye, theyāre filming for their next comeback. time used to move slower for luciel, and now the seasons became warmer before he realises. he wonders if he blinks again, the beginnings of winter would be right in front of his eyes.
two newer songs to be recorded. ācountdownā; another refreshing pop sort of song that fits the vibe of vybe, seems like itās perfect for the summer season, and a pretty nice song for a summery slice of life anime, luciel thought to himself. then thereās ālucky to be lovedā, mellower tunes to listen to in the cooling shades, with the sunlight peeking through softly.
itās yet another routine of practicing for the song, dance and vocals. then recording and film. all in between schedules of attending other programs like begin again, and then busan one asia festival. luciel practices a personality befitting of their summery songs; lively, innocent, and refreshing. with this persona, he practices until it matches the mood of the songs.
heās an idol, whether or not he likes the songs is another thing ā he should be capturing the essence of the song and deliver a perfect performance; for the sake of the company, his groupmates, and the fans. and so he smiles, āour new songs? itās addictive, the kind where youāll want to listen to over and over again after the first listen. itās been stuck in my head the entire month~ā
a debut in the season of spring, isnāt that refreshing? everything seems to be going well smoothly, a little bit too seamlessly. at the back of lucielās head, it feels like something is wrong. maybe heās just not used to all of it, or how heās actually going to properly step into the world of idols in april. nine months of training flew by just like that.
here he is, filming again for vybeās debut. details, retakes, looking out for each other. there is so much tension in the air despite their refreshing theme.
putting on a lovely smile for the cameras, performing for audiences, being evaluated and all that. luciel wonders, if he could find meaning at the end of the day. wonders briefly if his foster parents would ever even glance at him once ( perhaps not ). wonders how long he would do this as he continues walking into the unknown, or will it simply just be a phase in his life?
itās funny, how uncertain luciel feels even after everything. then again, this is what human life is about, right? perhaps itās that uncertainty is what keeps luciel going; a garden to walk in, and the immensity to dream in. will there be a few flowers at his feet, and stars when he points his gaze upwards?
hello, to the welcomed unknown.
luciel perfects his beautiful, energising smile. it's still not perfect, but it's enough to fool.
usually, luciel spends seollal alone. to him, itās another festival he does not look forward to. itās a festival warmly celebrated with familyā reminding him that itās something he does not sincerely have. the youngest son of the ryeo family is merely a meaningless title.
this time, his family visits seoul, much to lucielās annoyance, he is invited. it feels odd and strange, to be remembered. he hasnāt talked to them in a long while, until this family dinner that consisted of four people.
luciel doesnāt knows what to expect there, he puts on a nice set of clothes, styles his hair neatly and attends this peculiar family dinner. although, it feels more like heās an uninvited guest to a family of threeā¦ supposedly. it seems that they have conveniently busied his older brotherās schedule, knowing that he would always try to take lucielās side. so it ends up being the three of them, for now.
the mood is suffocating.
āso, what have you been doing?ā his father asks, with a strange, and suspicious sense of calmness.
the words starts to die in lucielās throat, and an invisible rope coils around his entire body. itās only a question asked out of formalities, heās sure that his parents would know exactly what heās doing. they only want him to say it to their faces.
already, he wants to run away.
āā¦ idol training,ā luciel answers, as timidly as possible. two words that feels like heās stepping over thorns to say. he expects to be ridiculed, pointed fingers at, whatever violent negative reaction he could have elicit out of themāand yet, the odd calm remains hanging in the air.
for a brief moment, thereās silence, accompanied by sips of a drink, as if his parents had expected this, expected that this child they picked up would eventually go astray. lucielās mother breaks the silence, with a heavy sigh, filled with pure disappointment. āsee? look what happens when we give him his freedom?ā
āi could always bring him back,ā his father responds.
that freezes luciel in his place. it was said so casually, as if luciel never had a choice in any of the decisions he has made in his life, and that for everything heās doingāwith just a word, he could have been locked inside a room, again. his efforts, the memories he madeā¦ project green would be reduced to five.
ālucielās studies are doing fine, isnāt that right?ā his mother ponders. āat the very least, he isnāt contracted to a small shady company.ā
āitās lime entertainment, itāll be good if he could expand his social connections, especially if he goes worldwide and become a bridge for us.ā
āi suppose you arenāt entirely useless, after all. if it doesnāt works out, come back to tokyo immediately after your graduation.ā
āstill, an idol of all thingsā¦ it seems like we werenāt raising you well enough.ā
to them, itās a simple chat about the future, and how useful the child would be to them, as if they were talking about an object. luciel continues to put on a small smile, listening, playing the role of a good boy who broke some rules. āiām sorry, father, mother. iāll do my best.ā
ignore everything. you did nothing wrong. you did something wrong. arenāt you ashamed?
the meaningless, agonising conversation continues. lucielās parents continues to pry into his life, as if they were checking out every aspect of his life, so they could make decisions to do something about it. āare you getting into anything new? i really hope itās not something as stupid as the idol thing again, luciel.ā
thereās photography with a film camera, but itās not something he can bring himself to tell them. thereās also composing songs, something luciel would never think heās capable of doing. in the end, everythingāitās useless. so he answers, that practicing has taken up most of his time, so he hasnāt been able to get into anything new.
luciel, doesnāt feels like luciel.
he wants to run away, and fall.
ā¦
after the suffocating dinner, luciel returns to his penthouse. itās quiet, and he hasnāt been here in a while. heās always appreciated the tranquility of it all, but tonight, itās too quiet. he doesnāt brings himself to even sit at his sofa as he slumps down to the floor while leaning against the wall, feeling as if thereās still something crushing him.
taking out his phone, luciel tries to call someone.
the usual, childhood friend whoās supposed to be asleep at this hour. thereās no other voice he wants to hear.
āi want to see you,ā softly, almost pleading desperately.
if luciel doesnāt sees him, he might go a bit crazy.
the position reveals were a surprise, luciel hasnāt expected for it to be revealed this early. though, this means itās a sign ā that the hour of debut is coming closer than he thought. everything is falling in together, like puzzle pieces.
luciel had been dreamless for a long time, rarely ever chasing after dreams. when he first took his steps into the world of music, into the world of idols, there was envy. the envy of witnessing the passion of others firsthand, how hard theyāve been trying, again and again, to reach for a dream. heās always been accepting of things; lines, screentime, positions, etc. heās never wanted something. he simply goes with the flow, appreciates what heās been given. itās what he does best, playing the role of a grateful, good boy.
a performance, and then two, and then three ā and then performing as a debut project. luciel now stands here, listening to the position reveals ( and of course, the earlier warning about sneaking out. he wonāt be doing that again ), when he gets to know of his position, thereās somewhat of an empty feeling that remains in his chest.
itās expected, he thinks. lead vocalist, it suits him.
another part of his mind haunts him, but itās not main vocalist. itās not perfect, itās not the best, itās not good enough. luciel knows itās a realistic decision, and he had always preferred to not shine too much. itās the ideal.
and yet, there was a sense of disappointment. since when has luciel started to want things? since when has he started to feel greed? it feels off-putting, and strange. he thinks about how he should had worked harder, thinks about how if he had the passion to chase after a dream, would he be less disappointed?
luciel bows his head appreciatively at the announcement.
today, he realises something ugly about himself. he almost wants to laugh at himself, but he resists. luciel keeps a calm expression on his face, ready to celebrate and congratulate the rest of the boys.
a wish to stay warm in the cold, a wish to be picked up, a wish to be loved. they were all intangible, things that cannot be touched by his hands. those wishes will remain as wishes, because his wishes wonāt come true.
lucielās earliest memories was walking around in the snow, holding his motherās hand. she told him to be a good boy and wait for her to pick him up later, and then he never saw her again. he doesnāt remembers her face anymore, nor her name. he only remembers it was cold. the cold winter brings nothing but the feeling of emptiness, thereās nothing pleasant about it. every year, the memory comes to remind luciel that he was abandoned, an unwanted and unloved child.
even then, luciel heads out in the cold winter. to search for someone, to search for his childhood friend who isnāt answering his messages. he knows the reason why. the tv or radio has been briefly commemorating the death of a former star, someone he used to call auntie.
he finds seonghan in a cafe, motionless and empty, as if he never lived. even then, a smile graces his lips. āi went on a date,ā he says.
āyou went on a date looking like that? i'll believe you.ā
āitās a once in a year kind of date.ā
he takes a look at how his friend is dressed. extra layers and arm warmers, luciel knows itās not merely because of the cold. he reaches his hand out and holds onto his arm, wanting to bring him to somewhere else, āthis cafe's coffee isn't that great. i'll make you a better one.ā
āhaha, youāre holding onto me. like iām going to disappear.ā
luciel bites the inside of his lower lip, his grip growing stronger at that. āif i donāt hold onto you, you probably will.ā
āwould that be so bad?ā
if baek seonghan were to disappear from lucielās life as if he never existed, heād wish, he could go with him. but seonghan wouldnāt let him. heāll tiptoe around him, leave not even a footprint behind, and disappear into the rain.
wishes wonāt come true. āi want you alive with me.ā i wish, youāll make me your reason to live.
there isnāt a place luciel has in mind, he drags seonghan along with him, into the dead winter. thereās nowhere for them to go, they donāt need a place to go. as long as they were together, even if seonghan were to let go of his hand, luciel would hold onto him tighter, as if they were never apart.
luciel asks the boy where he went, he talks about how he went on a winter date again. he doesnāt probs into it further, thereās only one place seonghan would go at this time of the year. āthen, will you go on another one with me?ā
āwill you give me a choice?ā
āyou can refuse me if you want to. will you?ā
itās stupid, how their conversations goes in circles. oftentimes, seonghan dodges his questions, but today itās a little different. he tells him that he doesnāt wants to answer him, and it frustrates luciel. throughout his life, seonghan has never been honest. to the latter, he thinks heās throwing a tantrum, doesnāt thinks that his responses will bother luciel, doesnāt believes. even as he goes on about how itād be the last time theyāll spend time together like this again, that luciel wouldnāt catch him amongst the audience as he remains on that blinding stage.
even in the midst of a dark rainstorm, seonghan will still laugh. āwhat are you thinking now, seonghan? that sounded like a fake laugh,ā luciel mumbles, clearly displeased. every trace of that perfect, princely persona had disappeared from his face ( itās not like he can keep it up in front of him, anyways ). childish, selfish, and foolish is all he feels like.
āi wonder. should i say iām thinking of you?ā luciel pauses at that. once again he has fallen for seonghanās words, like a mindless fool.
wishes. i wish you were mine, i wish i was yours, i wish you will look at me.
āitās cold today,ā seonghan continues.
luciel wishesāwants, to hold his bare hands close to his face. if itās cold, then shouldnāt he taint him with his human warmth? āiām cold too, should we warm each other up?ā
luciel has expected something like this to occur; dragged away from practice for a bit, to an interview room. itās nothing unusual to him at this point; a peek into his mind regarding the project, for both content and growth.
he returns a small smile as he remains in his seat, back straight with shoulders relaxed. āitās beenā¦ a lot. it feels more tiring than i thought, but thatās also because iām still slowly adapting to my new surroundingsāthe dorm life, that is,ā luciel answers as he nods his head along. āitās a new experience for me, living with six other people with different lifestyles.ā
then he leans against the chair, pausing for a bit. āit was fun coming up with concepts on our own, though we took a long time selecting the songs to cover, surprisinglyā¦ i enjoyed the creative freedom. i donāt think iām a very artistic person, but it made me realise that i want to continue doing those kinds of things.ā luciel didnāt think he would be saying such things a few months ago, though how far he will pursue it is a different thing, itās something heāll check back with himself later on.
āsiwoo did a really good job as a leader, itās really nice to see how much effort and care he poured in. though, supporting the leader is also equally as important. a leader canāt always function on their own, so i tried to listen out to him every now and then, i hoped it helped. i also think seojun needed more confidenceā¦ perhaps the stress got to him. it happens.ā heās careful with his words, especially if heās going to make his comments on peopleāhis fellow members. āiāve certainly gotten to know the members better from this project, we live in the same place after all. before, i barely interacted with haneul and kian. so iām glad that through this project, i have opportunities to get along with them. it was a little daunting at first, since the majority has been training for longerā¦ but theyāre all nice people.ā
luciel thinks about the performances they are practicing for. he finds it a little amusing how itās going to take place in a halloween party of all things. āi think performing in front of seniors and other trainees is more nerve-wracking than an audience. technically, theyāre more familiar with how a performance goes like, so i end up being more worried about my skills. itāll be nice if we could impress them, those kinds of thoughts makes me continue practicing.ā
the interview concludes. luciel bows his head to seokjin, thanking him as well.
luciel doesnāt do much during chuseok. thereās no classes or training to attend, so all heās been doing is taking this holiday to rest. his apartment has been empty for a while, a perfect opportunity to clean things upāwhich didnāt take a long time, since his place has always been rather empty, as if a dead person lived there. soon enough, he finds himself plopping down on his sofa, reading a book and drinking coffee made with sir romeo, ms julietās partner.
time flies by quickly, and night soon arrives. luciel heads back to the dorms when he receives a message in the groupchat that haneul made dinner. itās a nice, colourful dinner, clearly made with love. something that luciel is lacking of.
eventually, heās out and about somewhere in the park, a bit further from the city, so that he could gaze upon the gleaming moon that heās always found beautiful. glowing within the darkness, amidst the clouds. luciel pops open another bottle of soju and stares at his phone, contemplating.
are you busy? if youāre not, accompany me? a text sent to his childhood friend.
of course, he gets a reply back: asking for me so earnestly?
luciel is a little tipsy tonight, so he indulges. just a little bit.
