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@lady-of-the-lotus I’ve done it. I’ve written, G-d help me, YaoYang fanfiction. I hope you’re happy. I hope you forget about your soup on the burner and it scorches. (Also on AO3 for fancy linked footnotes)

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Must one dread what others dread?

--Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

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What have I done? Sweet Jesus, what have I done?

--Jean Valjean, Les Misérables (Musical)

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Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, hamotzi lechem min ha’aretz.[1]

--Jewish blessing said prior to eating an olive-bulk or more of bread (unless, of course, you disagree).

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It was a bright and balmy day, the third of the cultivation conference, and Sect Leader Yao was being insufferable. He was well outfitted for it. He had woken from his insufferable, snoring sleep and demanded an insufferable breakfast, the specifications of which made the most highly-ranked, honor-festooned cook in Jin Tower break down into tears and resign on the spot. He put on his most insufferable underpants on under his most insufferable robes, and tied back his hair in the insufferable style that he favored, the one that made him look like a badly turned rotten beet.[2] He had even spent fifty minutes manipulating his face in an insufferable series of facial expressions in the mirror, involving him at several points “losing” his own reflection only to “find” it again at the corner of the polished bronze, much to his own amusement—though not, it might be stated, to the amusement of the junior launderer he demanded watch his performance.

The hall had been surprisingly vacant of other unoccupied servants, when Sect Leader Yao had checked. All that scurrying and burrying! Well, servants should be busy, anyway: that was the way, and the way was right, HRRGNH. “That Was the Way, And The Way Was Right, HRRGNH,” was the latest of the updated mottos Sect Leader Yao had thought of for his sect. Though it was an excellent guiding principal and pure poetry upon the senses, it had two drawbacks. The first was that the tonally-important HRRGNH at the posterior end of the phrase was obtained by means of thrusting the hips forward, curling the torso, and letting the resulting force of air displaced escape through the mouth. This was, Sect Leader Yao allowed, not very dignified.

Still, all was not lost. Sect Leader Jiang had scowled upon seeing it, but he was always scowling so he didn’t count. Sect Leader Lan had looked intrigued. Sect Leader Nie had applauded, and asked whether it would be possible to pass gas from below at the same time; a very tactless comment, Sect Leader Yao had thought, considering the gastrointestinal distress he was so often plagued by, which Sect Leader Nie should know about, as Sect Leader Yao had described it to him at length, frequently. He had reminded Sect Leader Nie of this with appropriate grace. It was good to show these young sprites how to conduct oneself with the proper manners. The second problem was that Sect Leader Yao did not, and had not for several years, have a sect. It was not something Sect Leader Yao liked to think about, so he largely didn't.

On the way to the discussion hall Sect Leader Yao felt a whisper, on the back of his neck. It was the slimiest whisper anyone had ever felt, and it carried with it the vague sense that someone had been watching you, through a crack in the wall, the last time you were alone in the bathroom. It also carried the powerful scent of moldy incense. Sect Leader Yao turned and spread his arms wide. “Sect Leader Ouyang!” It was his best, insufferable, friend. His worst friend, too, being his only, but Sect Leader Ouyang took on both roles with ease. They’d stabbed each other, once, over a hunk of demonic metal. Ah, memories were truly the jewels of life. Sect Leader Ouyang grimaced like a dead cat, which was his version of a pleased smile, and bowed. Sect Leader Yao bowed back. When he rose he waggled his eyebrows. Sect Leader Ouyang snapped open his fan and wafted, with the gentle flutter of a category five hurricane, several lungfuls of moldy incense. They had totally sucked face last night. It had been swag.[3] “What’s on the docket for today?” “I believe it is something to do with that Jin boy. An honor ceremony he’s attempting to put together. If he expects my sect to pay for it, I’ll want to know why.” Sect Leader Ouyang sniffed. He did that a lot. Sect Leader Yao lovingly passed over a handkerchief.

The Jin boy’s proposal was indeed the first major case discussed, after the necessary canapés and complaints about the accommodations had been passed around.[5] It was a matter the boy had clearly put much thought into, and one dear to his heart; he presented it with an earnest timbre that would have swayed a petrified forest. Unfortunately, earnestness was outside of Sect Leader Yao’s testicular-sized sphere of understanding. “He’s grubbing for money, you’ll see,” Sect Leader Yao said, in an overtone[6] to Sect Leader Ouyang. Sect Leader Yao considered himself wise to the ways of the conniving, since he, the aforementioned, sometimes cheated at cards. His friend-now-daring-conquest nodded and glared across the room. He was aiming for the Jin boy, but missed, and caught a rather startled wine-pourer on the side. “You ought to say something,” Sect Leader Ouyang said. That was an excellent idea. It was always, in Sect Leader Yao’s opinion, the right time for him to be talking. “Hey!” he shouted, waving his arms over his head like an extremely drunk aircraft marshal. “Hey! What’s this got to do with Wei Wuxian?” “It…doesn’t,” said the Jin boy, who was in fact Sect Leader Jin, and who while admittedly young outranked Sect Leader Yao to a degree that would make you wince and say whoee it’s a scorcher if you saw it on an outdoor thermometer. “Ridiculous!” Sect Leader Yao said. “We all know it does! Stop trying to bamboozle us with dacquoise!”[7] Sect Leader Jiang had stopped scowling in approval and had begun to scowl in apparent constipation. The history between him and Wei Wuxian was somewhat rocky.[8] “Exactly as he says!” Sect Leader Ouyang, the most and least loyal of Sect Leader Yao’s comrades, cut in. He leapt to his feet; several of his neighbors checked, instinctively, to make sure their pants were still up. “You won’t catch us sleeping!” “Hear, hear!” Sect Leader Yao thundered. “Please don’t shout,” Sect Leader Nie hangovered. He had one hand clasped around his temples, the other clutching a cup of water. Sect Leader Yao was surprised he was so bad off. He’d seemed quite sober when he’d stumbled across the totally swag face-sucking betwixt Sect Leaders Yao and Ouyang. Speaking of. Sect Leader Yao turned to look sideways conspiratorially at Sect Leader Ouyang and shoot him finger-bow-and-arrows.[9] Sect Leader Ouyang mimed catching one. Damn, Sect Leader Yao was for sure going to propose marriage after this Wei Wuxian dacquoise was smoked out.

Oh yeah, it was all comin’ up Yao, baby. That was the way, and the way was right.

HRRGNH.

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1This blessing has no relevance to the contents of this work. “Honestly,” the author said when questioned, “I’m just trying for all the help I can get.”[return to text]

2A confusing feat, as this was China prior to the year 1000 BCE, Gregorian, and beets had not been invented yet.[return to text]

3“Swag” is neither a genre- nor period-accurate term for the emotion Sect Leader Yao was feeling. However, translation is an art rather than a science,[4] and more atmospheric words fail to communicate to modern English-speaking audiences the true depth of Sect Leader Yao’s douchebaggery. Thus: swag.[return to text]

4"An art rather than a science” is a common phrase used by people who are neither artists nor scientists to describe what they believe to be the difference between these disciplines. One might as well say “a boot rather than a canary”—that is, not the same, but having more in common than people might think.

5There was nothing wrong with the accommodations, and especially nothing any of the poorly-used common folk the attendees lorded over would have found, but if there is one unifying factor among humans it is that they love to complain.[return to text]

6Like an undertone, but the opposite.[return to text]

7A word Sect Leader Yao thought meant “deceit,” but which in fact refers to a tasty meringue-and-cream French pastry.[return to text]

8If by “somewhat rocky” you mean “a high-speed chase over deadly-fast rapids between simultaneous avalanches, and also, there are sharks.”[return to text]

9Small handheld firearms, aka “guns,” had also not been invented yet.[return to text]

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