#*estel

[pimpmyaravel]

cool elf pranks w zevran and estel

aka alistair gets punked

[12/29/14, 1:17:10 AM] winters: I THOGUHT IT WAS ZEVRAN ON THAT LOTR POST TOO........... fuck [12/29/14, 1:17:36 AM] casimir reed-stark: in our defense they drew his hair too short [12/29/14, 1:17:36 AM] casimir reed-stark: so [12/29/14, 1:18:01 AM] casimir reed-stark: my eyes moved too fast and i didnt see aragorn and was just like [12/29/14, 1:18:09 AM] casimir reed-stark: a dwarf ok it’s oghren [12/29/14, 1:18:10 AM] casimir reed-stark: wait [12/29/14, 1:18:12 AM] casimir reed-stark: no its not [12/29/14, 1:19:11 AM] winters: imagine zev sleeping w his eyes open and alistair just. sleepy goes into zevs tent to wake him bc they need to pack up camp and he jsut "oH FUCK WHAT THE FUCK @MAKER WHY THIS" [12/29/14, 1:19:36 AM] winters: same though. i was like no wait. wAIT that's not oghren and also. there is an aragorn [12/29/14, 1:19:38 AM] winters: oop [12/29/14, 1:19:56 AM] casimir reed-stark: ZEVRAN AND ESTEL SNUGGLED UP TOGETHER WITH THEIR EYES WIDE UP OPEN AND ALISTAIR GOES IN TO ASK THEM SOMETHING AND IS LIKE [12/29/14, 1:19:57 AM] casimir reed-stark: WHY [12/29/14, 1:20:08 AM] casimir reed-stark: @ANDRASTE WHAT DID I DO WRONG [12/29/14, 1:20:09 AM] winters: iM SCREAMING [12/29/14, 1:20:16 AM] winters: I CANT B REATHE FUCK [12/29/14, 1:20:22 AM] casimir reed-stark: not only are their eyes open but they are also 100% naked [12/29/14, 1:20:39 AM] casimir reed-stark: so when alistair like [12/29/14, 1:20:43 AM] winters: alistair sits down n starts rocking. "why me why me andraste deliver me from this world" [12/29/14, 1:21:02 AM] casimir reed-stark: he like pulls back the tent flap and is like “hey guys it’s almOST AHHHH. AH” and he like . screeches [12/29/14, 1:21:14 AM] casimir reed-stark: and they wake up and both sit up and knock the blanket forward off of them [12/29/14, 1:21:37 AM] winters: NO [12/29/14, 1:21:49 AM] casimir reed-stark: zev pulls a knife out of nowhere and is like WHAT IS IT ARE WE BEING ATTACKED and estels like is it even light outside yet what the hell is going on [12/29/14, 1:22:11 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistair like. looks at their eyes. looks at the knife. looks down. looks immediately back up [12/29/14, 1:22:57 AM] winters: WAS DEATHLY WHITE FROM FRIGHT BUT BLUSHES 2 HIS EARS [12/29/14, 1:23:34 AM] casimir reed-stark: “no no nO everything is! completely fine i just. breakfast there’s breakfast sten and leliana made breakfast oh maker i am . so sorry. please don’t kill me. i’m sorry i opened your tent without uh knocking or something and i’m sorry i woke you up and i’m sorry i have now seen more than i intended there’s breakfast i’m leaving there is breakfast i’m sorry" [12/29/14, 1:24:06 AM] casimir reed-stark: zevran like yawns and gets up and puts the knife down and goes over and pats him sleepily on the shoulder and is just like [12/29/14, 1:24:47 AM] casimir reed-stark: “i do not make it my business to kill my friends for waking me up, even if i was having the most wonderful dream” [12/29/14, 1:25:00 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistair is like “c AN YOU PL EA SE PUT PANTS ON" [12/29/14, 1:25:26 AM] winters: P LEAS E [12/29/14, 1:26:30 AM] casimir reed-stark: estel spends the next few minutes after alistair leaves forcing zevran to get fully dressed bc they’re pretty sure it’s not worth teasing alistair by showing up in his underwear, as it might also literally kill him [12/29/14, 1:26:45 AM] casimir reed-stark: zev is like “fine but you’re no fun” estel’s like “not before 10am i’m not" [12/29/14, 1:27:17 AM] winters: honestly though. beautiful [12/29/14, 1:27:18 AM] casimir reed-stark: “you love me anyway” “disgustingly so, yes” and then they make out and are late to breakfast anyway [12/29/14, 1:27:38 AM] winters: gross [12/29/14, 1:27:53 AM] winters: alistair avoids eyecontact [12/29/14, 1:28:06 AM] casimir reed-stark: they show up and are like “sorry it took a bit to get dressed thanks for the food this looks great" [12/29/14, 1:29:33 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistair is just like. stares directly at feet. does not make eye contact. does not look at them. refuses to acknolwedge that he is well aware that there is like. zevran is wearing a shirt with a low collar and that mark was not there before and alistair is like. there are so many things i didn’twant to know [12/29/14, 1:30:39 AM] winters: poor child [12/29/14, 1:31:20 AM] winters: on another Elf Trait note: im so super fond of glowy cat eye elves, and the sharp canines that people seem to have picked up. and also able to both see in the dark and have excellent hearing. I'm so glad [12/29/14, 1:32:36 AM] casimir reed-stark: YE [12/29/14, 1:32:58 AM] casimir reed-stark: i love the idea of estel and zev being like “something’s elfy about alistair” and tricking him into night vision mode [12/29/14, 1:33:08 AM] winters: that is SUCH A COOL HEADCANON [12/29/14, 1:33:10 AM] winters: i love that post [12/29/14, 1:33:22 AM] casimir reed-stark: they bring leliana bc full party and a control to make sure it is actually a dark enough place [12/29/14, 1:34:21 AM] casimir reed-stark: they tell her what they’re doing tho and she’s like “that’s ridiculous, look at him, he’s as big as the both of you put together” and they’re like “yeah but i mean his dad was pretty big so whatever are you coming or not” and she’s like “ok but there’s no way" [12/29/14, 1:34:28 AM] casimir reed-stark: they’re like “girl we know” [12/29/14, 1:34:50 AM] casimir reed-stark: so they take her and alistair and alistair’s like why are we out here this is ridiculous where are we going [12/29/14, 1:34:54 AM] casimir reed-stark: “shhh just keep moving" [12/29/14, 1:35:52 AM] casimir reed-stark: they give leliana a nod and she douses the torch once they’re down in a deeper cave and she’s just like “u assholes better be right bc i stg i can’t see shit and if i die trying to prove alistair is part elf and we get mobbed by spiders so help me maker i will terrorize ur asses in ghost hell” [12/29/14, 1:36:07 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistairs like [12/29/14, 1:36:11 AM] casimir reed-stark: AHH. WHY DID YOU DO THAT [12/29/14, 1:36:16 AM] casimir reed-stark: here give me that [12/29/14, 1:36:25 AM] casimir reed-stark: walks straight up to leliana and takes the torch and is like [12/29/14, 1:36:40 AM] casimir reed-stark: well shit we dont have a light why did we go down here with just a bunch of you asshole rogues [12/29/14, 1:37:02 AM] casimir reed-stark: leliana just does this short little gasp and zev and estel high five [12/29/14, 1:37:10 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistair’s l ike “what" [12/29/14, 1:37:26 AM] casimir reed-stark: zev’s like “good news! remember your shitty sister?? she’s not your sister!” [12/29/14, 1:37:34 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistair’s just like “what and also can we please go home" [12/29/14, 1:38:15 AM] casimir reed-stark: “holy shit look at that over there” “ok there is nothing over there you’re just fucking with me i can… see….. just fine….. what are you miserable elves up to" [12/29/14, 1:38:27 AM] casimir reed-stark: “leliana why are you helping them do this i thought i could trust you” [12/29/14, 1:38:43 AM] winters: darling [12/29/14, 1:39:26 AM] casimir reed-stark: “hO LY SHIT LOOK AT THAT. OVER THERE. WHAT IS THAT” “dude you just tried that one i’m not falling for it A AHHH HHG AIN S HIT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THATS THE BIGGEST SPIDER IVE EVER SEEN” leliana’s like “IM GOING TO MURDER EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU IF WE DIE FOR YOUR SHITTY ELF PRANKS” [12/29/14, 1:40:25 AM] winters: SHI T [12/29/14, 1:41:01 AM] casimir reed-stark: they manage to get back by just running for the surface at full title [12/29/14, 1:41:04 AM] casimir reed-stark: *tilt [12/29/14, 1:41:29 AM] winters: ty have to call out directions to leliana. she's good but she still can't see in the pitch black [12/29/14, 1:41:31 AM] casimir reed-stark: zev’s like “ALISTAIR PICK LELIANA UP AND CARRY HER DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT” [12/29/14, 1:41:37 AM] winters: SHIT [12/29/14, 1:41:46 AM] winters: THAT'S A BETTER ALTERNATIVE [12/29/14, 1:42:10 AM] casimir reed-stark: he’s just like “i am so sorry” and she’s like “for what where the fuck are you” and alistair just unceremoniously picks her up and throws her over his shoulder and runs [12/29/14, 1:43:30 AM] casimir reed-stark: they wind up back at camp like panting and out of breath and redfaced and leliana looks like she’s about to stab alistair in the face and then come for the other two and morrigan just raises an eyebrow critically and wynne is like “are you alright what on earth happened” and leliana’s like “i’m going to bed before i kill all of these idiots is what is happening right now goodnight" [12/29/14, 1:45:45 AM] winters: alistair goes to call out an i'm sorry but thinks better of it. turns on zev n estel like........ wtf guys. w HAT IS GOING ON what was that WHY did we do that. s ooooooo dangerous. that was dangerous w HY im fine this is fine [12/29/14, 1:46:06 AM] casimir reed-stark: they’re like [12/29/14, 1:46:20 AM] casimir reed-stark: well. we had an idea but we really didn’t think out fully what to do if we were actually right [12/29/14, 1:46:29 AM] casimir reed-stark: the plan did not get that far [12/29/14, 1:46:50 AM] casimir reed-stark: but anyway congrats on being one of us [12/29/14, 1:47:03 AM] casimir reed-stark: he’s like what the FUCK are you talking about [12/29/14, 1:47:05 AM] winters: g REAT [laughs weakly] wait. what [12/29/14, 1:47:31 AM] casimir reed-stark: yeah see the thing is u know how leliana was the only one of us who couldnt see shit in that cave [12/29/14, 1:47:43 AM] casimir reed-stark: yeah humans cant see shit in the dar [12/29/14, 1:47:54 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistairs like well THIS human can. wait what [12/29/14, 1:48:06 AM] winters: yEP [12/29/14, 1:48:22 AM] winters: haha guys gr8 prank good one [12/29/14, 1:48:36 AM] winters: i dont get it [12/29/14, 1:49:11 AM] casimir reed-stark: “im going to bed and for the record youre both assholes” “yeah and whats ur point round ear” “wE ALL HAVE ROUND EARS I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS JOKE IS YOU BOTH SUCK” [12/29/14, 1:50:00 AM] winters: C HILD [12/29/14, 1:50:20 AM] casimir reed-stark: morrigan walks over and is just like “fucks sake u dense fools. zevran. estel. please stop fucking with him like this he’s not smart enough to figure out what you’re saying on his own. alistair. you’re a fucking idiot and also you’re half elf apparently. congradulations, now you have a reason to be shit on by society like the rest of us." [12/29/14, 1:50:30 AM] casimir reed-stark: “now will you all stop yelling and go to sleep” [12/29/14, 1:50:43 AM] casimir reed-stark: alistair just makes a weird squeaky noise [12/29/14, 1:51:36 AM] winters: zev and estel like awh morrigan you ruin all our fun [12/29/14, 1:51:57 AM] winters: alistair trying 2 cope with it. a lright okay i definitely need to lay down now [12/29/14, 1:53:10 AM] casimir reed-stark: “my dear morrigan” “stop” “ehem. rude. my /dearest/ morrigan, has it ever occured to you that you are a fun sponge” *morrigan: shapeshifts* *zevran: exit, pursued by a bear* [12/29/14, 1:54:04 AM] winters: N ICE [12/29/14, 1:54:34 AM] winters: i love the. ehem. rude [12/29/14, 1:54:36 AM] winters: amazing

[pimpmyaravel]

i love to die

i listened to dear avery and then i thought about zevstel and then i made up this whole fade dream disaster and i made maddi cry and also i cried and then we talked a bit abt other characters but it's like at the end and several of them. this is mostly zevstel emotions haha what's new

mir: idk if you're around/available at all but next time you are and i am remind me to tell you about the dear avery zev in the fade idea i just had bc im crying by myself alone in my room and i have to tell someone at some point or i'll die

maddi: TELL ME

let me cry w/ u

mir: ok prerequisite do you know the song dear avery by the decemberists

bc it's a necessary part of this idea i've had it stuck in my head for weeks and i just put it on repeat again and then suddenly had a thought

maddi: No I do not but I can look it up

mir: i'll go reblog it

maddi: #trufriend

mir: ok i reblogged it

secondary prerequisite i don't know if this is how the fade works but i literally don't care

bc i don't know what people feel happens in the afterlife and i like the idea that maybe after you die you become a spirit or at least some part of you can be found in the fade

bc if the fade is where you go in dreams

maddi: I feel u

mir: then it makes sense to me that when you dream you could find some part of what you've lost

like the part of you that dreamed stays in dreaming forever?

esp with elves bc you know that's like

literally what the ancient elves did instead of dying

the endless dream

anyway i was listening to this song and thinking about it and then zevstel bc i'm always lately haha i love to die but anyway

and. some years after their death, zevran still dreams of them, of course. he will always dream of them, from time to time at least, they will always be with him. it's a curse and a comfort both

but he's never sure what it means. just some conjuring of his heart,he figures?

they never speak to him, and though sometimes he can touch them, they seem distant. he guess it makes sense

they're far away and out of reach and even if there's some part of them in the fade or in him that lets him see them, it makes sense he can't really reach out and touch them

but he'd give anything to hear their voice again, even if they didn't really say anything, it would be enough, though that doesn't keep him from thinking what it might be like if he could have their counsel back

their comfort in the dark and the shine that they were, his hope

they made him believe in everything

that the world was a beautiful place and worth fighting for

and that he was worthy of being a part of that and of being loved

and that he could help

that helping was worthwhile and things could be changed, differences could be made, that loving and trying and fighting were not without meaning

it seems cheap to say he'd kill to hear them speak one more time

because he's killed for so much less

and then one night, an anniversary of the day he lost them, of course, the dream is different

he finds himself in unfamiliar territory in his dream

the fade outside his dreaming

it's terrifying and beautiful

soft and glowing and strange

he thinks he might be in some kind of forest, but its not any forest he knows

maddi: [softly] don't

mir: the trees are taller than any he's ever seen and they seem both to sparkle and to absorb light entirely

plants grow at their bases, vines around their trunks, with flowers that make him dizzy to look at too long

a gentle breeze stirs his hair and he only just notices that he's naked but he doesn't mind, because he feels safe, there's nothing else in the woods that can hurt him, the fade is supposed to be full of spirits and this must be the fade, but he hasn't seen a single one this time

he supposes he's not a mage so maybe they're just not interested

he follows a faint path, he instinctually suspects is a halla's foraging trail, through to a clearing

the light is dappled and shining in the glowing mist, the soft, almost golden grass beneath his feet that barely seems to touch his skin

and estel is there

maddi: [whispers] don't

mir: their skin is covered in scars, some he knows, some he doesnt, and their long hair is unbound, spilling over their shoulders, over their breasts, and creators help him it was never that only, it was so much more, but he has missed their body

he doesn't expect words or touch but this is enough, this is everything, peace with them and he swears at least this once its not something he built in his head

and then they reach out their hands to him and he comes to them and reaches out and takes them and oh mythal guard them and keep them here forever please he takes their hands and they take his and he can feel them

speech is hard and he doesn't recognize his own voice when he speaks

he wants to tell them everything, i love you and i've missed you and you were so brave i've tried to be brave too but sometimes its so hard without you

after a moment he realizes he sounds strange to himself because somehow he's speaking elvhen

and it overwhelms him that he has no idea where he is or how he got there or if he can ever get back but he almost hopes he can't

more than almost

and they smile

and draw him close to them and they're so warm how are they so warm

he can feel their lips against the skin of his neck, just below his ear, as they murmur "i've missed you too, ma vhenan"

and he shivers, his entire body just filled with light and why now, he wants to stay forever, but why now, he's glad of it, doesn't want to forget what they feel like in his arms, but how is he supposed to hold anything else once he's remembered them all over again

as if they can hear him thinking, maybe they can, they tell him they have time

they don't understand it all, can't tell him much more, but they fought for this, and he doesn't ask from who because he's somewhat terrified to know

but he knows

his warden would fight a god for the favour to see their beloved again

they spend an eternity together, or a moment, he kisses every scar on their skin, every freckle, they touch each other in every way they can find, talk and don't talk, and they sing to him, songs they learned somewhere far away

songs he doesn't think he can take back with him, even though he wants to

he imagines if leliana could learn these songs

but he doesn't think they could be heard outside the fade

maddi: Mir I'm a mess this is amazing

mir:

after some time immesurable and immaterial passes though

he feels himself growing suddenly tired

and they both know they're being called back

maddi: No

mir: i will always be with you, estel tells him, always, in your heart i am alive, but do not be afraid to love others, please, you taught me to love, do not forget your own lessons

and he smiles and kisses them and tells them he could never

and if there's a part of him that wants to scream at them and beg them why did you do it why did you leave me how could you let me go he knows they didn't and he knows why and he knows. he knows them as he knows himself, maybe more, and he could never hurt him with those things, and they know, they've asked themself all the same, he knows, but it still stings in the back of his throat sometimes

they don't know if they'll ever see each other again, but estel swears they'll keep trying

zevran lays down in their arms in the clearing, warm light bathing them both in gold

and when he wakes in the cold ferelden morning, some of that lingers

he closes his eyes and remembers them, and he can still hear their songs, but he can't sing them, and that's ok

wherever they are, they're ok

they're at peace, maybe it's time he tried to be so too

it's been four years since he lost them. it's time to start moving on

not letting go, never letting go

but to believe in going forward

maddi: MIR IM CRYING

WHY DO U DO THIS

mir: because i love to die

maddi: u love to die and kill me

U r the worst

mir: i cant die alone i cant do it ok

maddi: God ur the worst so much

One day I'll tell u some of my horrible anders/hawke headcanons

Like my demolition lovers one

mir: song inspired headcanons more like (dies)

maddi: EVERY TIME

mir: my hawke/anders stuff is mostly pretty sweet actually bc its all just heron being this wall of support just holding anders up with strong soft hands and never doubting him

and there's bittersweetness obviously but like in the end the tinuvielverse is all the happiest endings for everyone lmao

that wasn't quite intentional but all my ships in that 'verse end in "and then they got gay married and were happy forever"

maddi: My hawke, Lucien, romances anders and everything hurts because their romance is literally the burn fast an bright kind

The happiest ending any of my kids ha is "loses an arm and suffers severe PTSD for the rest of his life with the boyf"

That's aras tho

mir: i mean like tinuviel becomes warden commander and leliana becomes the fuckin divine and frees mages and tinuviel finds a way to put off her calling beyond normal limits out of her pure love and tenacity for leliana and the world like literally she just manages to reject the calling bc of how much she believes the world needs her

and then heron gets anders to safety and refuses to leave him ever and protects him and they eventually adopt kids and raise them somewhere safe

and tintalle. well. becomes keeper and defies anyone to say a word about dorian staying with him

tinuvielverse is literally "everyone is gay and has happy endings"

maddi: God imagine Dorian with a dalish clan what a mess

That's so nice tho

mir: it's a lot less complicated than the estelverse but also much less tragic

and then casperverse is really all over the place??

in estelverse and tinuvielverse everyone is Really Sure of their duty and their passion at their causes and being heroes and all that and like

casperverse is all people who are like "i have no idea how i got here and kind of would like to go home"

maddi: Incredible

mir: selaverse is the least consistent just bc canary is a combo breaker. sela and bellatrix are both "aggressive dark ladies who kick ass hardcore" and then canary is like "i like putting flowers in my beard and having way more intense sex with my gigantic boyfriend than you would assume about me based on that first statement"

maddi: OMFG CANARY

I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT FROM A TINY DARLING NAMED CANARY

mir: tiny bear

maddi: I feel like aras would admire the heck out of canary

Like aras is this 19 year old virgin who tries so hard to look cool but is actually a huge fuckin dork

mir: omg i have to get dressed

maddi: And he'd just be like 'WOAH' @ canary and starry eyes

[pimpmyaravel]

fuck you em, you fucking suck, how dare you make me think about this, i'm getting a fucking divorce

in which a joke about our fucking twitter icons turned into me talking about what would happen if zevran and ruive met and then i FUCKING DIED!! IM DEAD!!! 

em: also. in this dm it looks like ruive is fucking looking up at zev and it's terrible

mir: i just had a heart attack thinking about that oh mf cukin. heck. theyw ould look up to him tho... i just broke my own heart so hard

em: No.. no shut UP

mir: i'm in critical condition i can't believe i hadn't thought abt what would happen if they met him and esp if they found out.... his... hlep

they meet him in the typical like "fight first ask questions later" way and they just know that leliana trusts him so they're like "k cool"

em: dont do this???? talking to zev abt warden hahahahha im cry

[whispers] n o

mir: and then when they've won he just gets up smiling and covered in blood but looking very alive and winks at leliana

and he's just like "not as young and beautiful as we used to be, eh? or at least, not as young, we are still both very beautiful"

em: flirts to the bitter end

mir: "ah but where are my manners! your young companion here is this 'herald of andraste', yes? honoured to meet you, im sure. my name is zevran arainai"

and like they get acquainted and ruive is charmed from the get go and he makes leliana smile and brings out this whole new side of her and

and they like. wait a bit before they do but finally as they're back in camp, ruive interrupts and is just. "i'm sorry but, where did the two of you meet, exactly? you've known each other a long time?" 

zevran smiles and he's just. had the strangest look

ruive can't shake the impression that he's trying to look like. through them. like it's just his eyes but he can't stop staring, and, well

at first they were just kind of like. they're used to staring at this point. but usually people stare at them, then their hand, then stop

but like they get the impression that he's really not looking at them at all and that he also doesn't realize he's doing it

em:

f uck

mir: either way, he finally stops, for a moment, when they ask him where he'd met leliana. he's been laughing for hours, but... somehow...

somehow it's the first moment he's looked truly happy? ruive can't make sense of him at all, but they want to try,

"let's see... it was... almost twelve years ago? has it really been so long..." he trails off, only for a moment, but long enough that

ruive notices leliana move to interject, but he keeps going before she can, though they have time to trade quick reassuring smiles

"we met in the company of the hero of ferelden. i'm sure you'll have heard of them, and likely from better storytellers than myself"

em: my heart is in my throat

mir: ruive's eyes go wide bc you know, this is their hero, their legend, the one they played at being when they were a kid and emulate now,

and they just "YOU knew warden mahariel? you were one of their companions? with leliana and king alistair & morrigan?" their face lights up

and it's been twelve years but something about them, about ruive, their earnestness maybe, their hope, tenacity, their wry wit, who knows,

maybe just their tanned skin and their red hair and their bright eyes, green and full of wonder and youth, or maybe the way they fight,

their hands on their bow like the grip is part of their body, the way all dalish hunters are, the way that estel was, creators, why now,

em: whines

mir: zevran can't stop his voice from cracking as he looks down into the fire and just says "yes. i knew estel. for as long as i could."

and ruive, for all their reckless nature, knows better than to ask anymore, just to wait, to let him say or not say. it's not their place.

but after a moment he looks up and smiles again. "it's alright to ask, da'len," he tells them, and they're startled at his use of the word

but he says it in a rough, strange way, like it tastes strange in his mouth, and they know he doesn't use elvhen words very often

and something about him makes them want to be brave. "were you... i'm sorry, i don't know how to ask. did you... did you love them?"

em: oh

mir: "more than the moon loves the stars or the sunset loves the horizon," he tells them. "do not be sorry to have asked. it is good to say."

after that they mostly sit in silence and let him talk. leliana seems warmer and younger, listening to him, sometimes adding her own parts

em: "it is good to say" my darling heart. and just. them having the chance to reflect in a way that brings them back to life almost.

happily instead of steeped in sorrow

mir: and so they hear all the parts of the story that will never make it into all the legends and the ballads

em: they're at peace now. and being able to share their memories with someone who Knew

mir: it's hours and a few skins of wine before zevran admits that his strange look is because ruive looks just like estel in so many ways

and they understand, almost at once, the odd looks sometimes cast by leliana, or the way king alistair faltered for a moment at redcliffe

it's the same sort of understanding they had when they first met hawke, of all the easy fondness varric had for them, despite his distance

but of course, this is even more

after a time zevran asks them "so, my young hero, i know it is unlikely to have been so lucky in love as my estel was, but what of you?"

they tell him, after a momentary exchange of permissive glances with leliana of course, about josephine

em: oh my god. antivans out the ears

mir: zevran insists on meeting her, of course, and leliana is just like. oh maker i've been trying to keep them from each other for years

em: im l aughing

mir: zevran just. tells them. to remember that life is unknown. only love and death are certain. make sure to know them both with intimacy.

and never to let your heart grow cold and bitter, nor your hope to die. there's an odd glimmer in his eyes on that one,

and ruive doesn't understand that he had a double meaning, that the glimmer was bc it was a ill humoured joke - estel, of course, means hope

when they finish the mission that brought them together, zevran swears a sort of fealty to them, to be there if they ever have need

to let him guide them in any way he can, or to support them if they need that instead, and they accept gladly, but don't understand why

it's not because they were particularly impressive or because they remind him of estel only, surely? zevran doesn't seem the type

so they ask leliana why she thinks he placed his loyalty in them so quickly, and she sort of. hesitates and then says. she has an idea. but.

"is it just because i remind him of... of warden mahariel? surely that's not enough alone?" and leliana sighs and says "you know, i'm not sure it is entirely my place to tell, nor to know what zevran is thinking, thank the maker for that, i'll be honest, but… i suspect he sees both pieces of estel and himself in you, and a sort of... missed opportunity. a second chance, if you follow my thinking"

and ruive's just like "you know i'm really not sure i do" and leliana sighs and just says "i've said enough, why don't you ask him yourself?

so. next time they see him. they do and he's like "well what did dear leliana tell you" and so he tells him. and he laughs

and he's like "she never misses anything, does she? well, some things, you would be surprised, but... this time, she is right. you know i had quite hoped to avoid this conversation? i had hoped you would be so used to declarations of followers by now you would not ask. and yet, here we are. 

no, don't apologize, i did say you could ask whatever you wished, were it in my power to grant an answer. and my embarrassment is common enough, so it would be foolish to call it a reason to keep an answer from you. no, leliana is right. a "missed opportunity", as she so tactfully phrased things, is precisely what i see. you are... a little older than we may have had, but…”

he trails off and ruive takes just a minute on the up take before their eyes sort of widen incredulously and they're like. omg

and as if to prove that his call is totally bang on here, they both spend the next several minutes completely unable to talk to each other

bc they both definitely can only be in either "way too intense, even light stuff" mode or "everything is a joke, even horrible things" mode

em: oh. my god i didnt even. i didnt think abotu that either and now......... shit

mir: so they go back to just. chatting and easy stories and stuff and ruive just like. has no idea how to actually react to this but like

to be fair neither does zevran. ruive had thought since they'd met that he saw estel when he looked at them and that was why he looked odd

but it's not estel he's seeing. it's what they might have had together if estel had lived. he's seeing the kids he didn't get to raise.

ruive notes to be cautious around introducing him to their brother, should it ever happen. their blond brother. with the dark vallaslin.

em: oh. shit

wtf babe im about to cry

mir: i mean if zev met tintalle first he probably wouldn't have seen so much resemblance, but meeting him after knowing ruive, he would for sure

and like. ruive is very much a black sheep in their family, so while zevran would be fond of tintalle, he wouldn't have seen the same thing

em: yeah, ic an see that

mir: au where estel doesn't die and ruive is literally zev and estel's kid

im going to pass out

em: BYE

[pimpmyaravel]

i never shut up about how important it is that estel dies and it's misery itself

extended musings about the revival of dead characters but specifically i was typing a response to someone talking about bringing the warden back in da4 as a featured character and then i decided i had more to say than that and would rather say it to? my blog? than that person to whom the response was already a day late on?? also i talk about comics bc how can u not when ur talking about dead characters springing from their graves at will lmao

basically this is just a bunch of meta about my alpha world state and also the impact and meaning of character death and also the potential retconning of said deaths in different situations. i guess

(repost from blog)

ok so. obviously we all know bioware has brought back characters from the (potential) dead before, like it is entirely possible for your world state to have had cullen, anders, and leliana dead (amongst others) all to have that just tossed out when they show up bc hey they’re important to the plot here but so sorry about how you got them killed before bc turns out they were only MOSTLY dead but we’re never going to talk about that bc it’s just not polite dinner conversation or something

i don’t really bat an eyelash at this tbh ok i’ve been dipping in and out and around marvel/dc comics fandom stuff since i was like twelve i’m used to weird retconning and infinite revivals with increasingly bullshit explanations and side effects and whatever. if your audience likes a character that’s dead and you have use for them or somewhere to put them in that works, you bring them back. death is permanent in real life, but it doesn’t have to be in fiction, and honestly the way comics (dc especially lmao fuck dc that’s a different conversation tho and i’ll cry so we’re not getting into it). anyway. the way that comics work has always been like when someone dies (unless it’s marvel ultimates), they are going to come back at some point. the tragedy is the reactions of all the characters around them, the clamouring to try and fill the hole they leave, and how they eventually come back and how that messes with things again. bruce faking his own death fucks with the batfam’s trust, jason getting tossed in a lazarus pit after feeling like bruce let him die causes him to get a rad new hair style and start murdering people, you know how it goes. but in the meantime, we get to sit around wondering when they’re going to be back, and being sad or just pissed off (coughs damian coughs) that they’re gone. 

those deaths still matter, bc they tend to write good stories around them and actually deal with grief and loss to a certain extent, but there is definitely a certain degree to which comics fans tend to be just like “oh no. he’s dead. again. whatever shall we do. do you suppose it will be four months or just three until we see him again. can’t wait to see how he comes back from this one.” like there’s jokes about how none of us can remember how many times bruce has fucking died at this point bc it’s not actually a joke i have no idea i think it’s six but i’m not sure if that’s counting faked deaths or not. so you see my point

bioware death retcons at least are all of possible deaths. because of player choice (something that obviously comics don’t have unless you’re jason todd lmao literally the worst most miserable event in comics history), depending on what each player does and how they interact with the game and its characters, everyone has a chance to have a whole bunch of characters die or leave or like. never show up in the first place. i’ve heard a surprisingly large number of people say that they completely missed recruiting leliana or sten in origins, and tbh i have had the ability to go look for blackwall for days of actually playing inquisition and still haven’t done it and keep forgetting (i swear i’m gonna go pick him up next time i get to play, even if it does mean i have to assign a 24 hour guard to him to make sure he keeps well away from my wife lmao what a creep)

but for sake of plot, cool characters can be pulled out of the archives and the devs get to go “well you know what, this character is cool and a lot of people liked them and we’re going to use them even though technically they could be dead in some people’s saves, bc it’s more fun to have the continuity of the character existing in the world than the continuity of having every possibly dead character be dead forever bc we give people WAY too many options to kill cool characters that we’ll all totally regret later lmao”

and you know what i’m good with that. i think that’s totally fair bc obviously i think that maybe bioware needs to stop having so many options to frickin kill off cool characters that would be cool to see again jfc stop giving people the options to do shit like give fenris back to danarius what would possess you to ever even supply that option what the hell is wrong with you. but. i digress

so this brings me to what i was originally responding to, which was the idea of having the warden back in da4 as a companion or even as the pc

to which everyone with a living warden presumably went “cool” and to which i responded “not a chance in hell”

out of my four wardens, only one of them is dead, but they are my main warden, my alpha save warden, and their death means a lot and really lastingly affects my headcanons of how my entire world state works. 

having estel sacrifice themself wasn’t a decision i made cheaply, and wasn’t a decision they made cheaply either. all other things aside, there’s just the fact that, by letting them die, i was consciously deciding that in my alpha world state, what i consider to be canon, that ferelden was saved, the blight cured, the archdemon slain, all by a nonbinary dalish warden who a lot of the world would still call a kid (my alpha world state pcs are all really young, petra was the oldest at 22, estel was 19, and ruivë is 17). and that Means Something. think what you will of martyrdom, but it leaves a lasting impression, and in my mind, estel’s sacrifice to end the blight paved the way for people being able to accept ruivë as inquisitor many years later. retcon their death, and you leave the world questioning the validity of those dalish heroes. you give people a reason to discredit them. 

and then there’s the love interest fact. estel dying meant zevran losing them just when he was getting used to having them, and if you think both of those things didn’t change him then you’re ridiculous and wrong. estel dying meant, for all that they were never really together, that leliana internalized this idea that everyone she loves will eventually die because of her, more or less. estel’s sacrifice is what makes alistair feel deeply selfish and childish for being so petulant about their influencing him to marry anora, which ultimately, along with zevran reminding him at one point that he hadn’t exactly met his love on the best terms either, leads to alistair letting himself open up to the idea of actually loving anora and not resenting her and distancing himself on principle. losing his best friend, and watching one of his other friends lose the love of his life, has a huge impact on alistair as a person, as a ruler, and as a lover.

AND THEN THERE’S MERRILL!!! estel dying doesnt just affect race relations in thedas wrt how people think kabout the dalish, the future of their companions, and the future of ferelden in general (and the rest of thedas), but it also specifically affects merrill, and therefore has a huge secondary impact on petra, because they romanced merril, and merrill still partially blames themself for what happened to estel and tamlen, or at the very least, is haunted by it, and driven towards her goal with the eluvian because of it.

also estel’s death also doubly affects isabela, bc isabela winds up having been a third in estel and zevran’s relationship and then going on to be a third in merrill and petra’s before she finally leaves and reunites with zevran. 

and you can toss all that out by saying this is all my headcanon mostly and therefore it’s not particularly consequential and that bringing back the warden in whatever way would be cool and fun for people and that my headcanon doesn’t matter in comparison to what is actually canon or what the majority of people experience or want and like whatever ok

but bringing back the warden because their death is such a big deal if it does happen means either somehow the rules conveniently are changed and you don’t actually have to have someone give themself up killing the archdemon, turns out the wardens have been dying for no reason like that for centuries haha our bad, so basically they never died!!!, or they came back somehow?

and while the latter could be interesting if you come up with a Really Good Reason, but would mostly just feel cheap and suck no matter what probably, the former is just fucked on a number of levels

not even to go into the whole “haha the wardens are actually wrong and useless” idea of it, but like

i don’t fucking think a warden who sacrificed themself to end the blight would be the kind of person who would have then spent the next ten plus years in hiding pretending to be dead when they’re not really

if estel had had a single breath left in their body, they would have used it getting as close to back in zev’s arms as possible

which leaves the only possibility really being that if they somehow lived or were brought back then they would have to just not have their memory intact or their free will intact an those are both horrible options

the only thing i can think of that would hurt zevran more than losing them is to have this terrible diluted version of them back so long after he had finally found a way to live again and accept that loving them changed him but they’d want him to be happy so he’d have to find a way. so he had.

and bringing them back with pieces of themself missing would just be horrific

whereas bringing them back entirely with some bs explanation for where they’ve been or having conveniently had them pop out of some kind of rift or some shit after all this time like nothing happened would be cheap as hell 

either way, as much as i would love for all my loves to be happy and safe forever, there’s a reason estel died, and there’s always a weight to heavy choices and there’s nothing that wrecks a good story like handwaiving the results of those choices and just going “well sorry about all this loss and the ripple effect of your choices, but the thing is we just don’t care about your choices and that effect is meaningless, but aren’t you excited to have your warden back???” or something would just be. terrible

i liked how the warden came back in inquisition for people whose warden lived. i liked what i’ve seen of how the different responses go. the difference between a dalish warden commander’s letter and a cousland who married alistair’s letter is really interesting

it’s just. in my world, in my version of things, there isn’t a letter. there can’t be. and that’s how that world works.

ruivë begs for more stories about estel from leliana because the story of a dalish warden overcoming everything starting from even less than ruivë starts from gives them hope that they’ll be able to have the strength and cunning and integrity and the loyalty of their companions to be able to overcome what they’re up against, and to be able to make hard decisions and retain their, for lack of a better word, humanity, through it all

i love my warden, and there isn’t a place in all my headcanon and lore about the way my canon world works that they haven’t touched in some way

and that all kind of crumbles if it turns out they’re still alive, or it warps if it turns out they’re brought back

i guess because in the end it was their choice that resulted in their death. they weighed their options and they did what they felt they had to and what was right, rather than letting anyone else get hurt or make those hard choices on their behalf

whereas all the other choices you can make that result in people dying who later had their deaths retconned are. well. not their choice. it’s not really the same thing at all to let a side character die and then surprise they’re a main character in the next game or whatever

it’s totally reasonable to think even that it’s possible that you only thought they were killed, and they later recovered

a warden who sacrifices themself isn’t like that

and i don’t think there’s any real likelihood of the warden being brought back that way anyway, but. i started thinking about it and then i couldn’t stop so. yeah

[pimpmyaravel]

welcome to estel/zevran hell

enjoy ur stay!!! disclaimer: i love to die

this is literally just me talking abt how estel's death affects zevran. misery and despair

wow i am being just really exceptionally emotional about dragon game today. i just started crying about estel and zevran. tho. to be fair estel and zevran is really just the most miserable thing in any of my dragon game anything. it's hell and i'm dying

"but mir! u made the choice! you could easily not have that happen!"

yeah but. it affects So Much in my alpha world state. it Has to happen, it's absolutely vital to my personal lore in my alpha world state that estel dies. everything kind of comes from that in some way or another, but... that. doesn't mean that i get any less Extremely Fucked Up about it tho bc it's really miserable and. zev is Alone for too long afterwards

i mean eventually zev gets his own happy ending but it literally is twelve years later that he finally gets his peace and happiness

--

it's like. none of these song specifically really fit estel/zev at all but it's the most profoundly sad da ship i have so that's why i'm thinkin abt it

idk if it makes it worse that they were so happy and zevran both does and doesn't recover the way he does or not. but they were so happy, and yeah they wouldn't have had all that much of a future. assassins and wardens both don't have very long life expectancies. but. there was never hesitation with them. they both knew their days were numbered all along. they lived and loved so strongly while they could

it's just that neither of them expected their time to be up so soon. they were just settling into the idea of building lives together. they were so completely happy & at peace with each other. which. is part of why estel did it. bc they truly felt. they'd always be with him, and estel's choice was between leaving people behind the way they had been left, or by having more people they loved die because of them.

estel chose to die bc they couldn't let anyone else die in their place. never again. not after tamlen. but they've also learned that loss lasts forever, but. it can be eased by other loves. you can learn to love again, your heart continues to beat, and the things left behind when you're the one left behind make you stronger in ways nothing else does. it's all just justification but it's their choice and their conviction never falters

it's sort of. ironic. they are able to die. and leave zevran behind. almost entirely because of how zevran taught them to love so strongly

they know they'll leave scars but that zevran won't ever be alone. he'll understand. and he'll keep them with him. and he'll move on.

he won't ever let them go but he won't let them hold him back. it'll hurt him sometimes, but their ghost will keep him warm, and in the end, they face their death with resolution and think of him. estel's life was short. their lives together in love shorter still. but they were happy, and that never fades, never loses meaning. their love stays when they go, like tamlen's stayed for them, to ease the heart even as it makes it ache

zevran isn't surprised. shocked to lose them, yes, but not at their choice. he understands. a true hero could never belong to just one man.

he'll never fully shake the ache that creeps up in him, mornings waking up after dreams of them like they were never gone, shaken, longing, but he'll never blame them for what they did. he loved them too much to remember them with bitterness. and they changed the world. in the end it doesn't matter all that much that they changed him first, or that they were so much of his world, that they saved him before they saved anyone else, because what they mean and meant to him is different than one they mean to the world, to ferelden, to their people and their other companions left behind, but they're all around him in those different meanings.

he'll never lose them entirely, and he'll never lose their love, knowing they were happy once, that if things were different, in another life maybe, they could have been happy forever. and sometimes that's enough. it has to be. he decides to live life more for the both of them rather than let his own languish and slip away like he had been before he met them. they would have wanted to see them free again. they would have wanted to see him happy.

in memories of touch and whispers, laughter, tears, words exchanged long into the night, the tending of wounds, the heat of battle, and the heat of love, side by side, zevran will keep them alive within him, but more than that, beyond just the bounds of what he can hold he knows that while the intimacy belonged to him alone, that there are pieces of every hero that are never sung, that even so, as he will keep them alive in his heart,

the world will keep them in song forever,

for now his love is a legend, and legends never truly die.

[pimpmyaravel]

in which ruivë lavellan is Actually Kind Of Terrifying and estel mahariel shaped the course of the fate of the whole world forever

also stuff about tintallë and zev and petra and alistair/anora even and it's really everywhere but yea. alpha world state shit. everyone is pro elf. #elvhensupremacy tbh