i love to die
i listened to dear avery and then i thought about zevstel and then i made up this whole fade dream disaster and i made maddi cry and also i cried and then we talked a bit abt other characters but it's like at the end and several of them. this is mostly zevstel emotions haha what's new
mir: idk if you're around/available at all but next time you are and i am remind me to tell you about the dear avery zev in the fade idea i just had bc im crying by myself alone in my room and i have to tell someone at some point or i'll die
maddi: TELL ME
let me cry w/ u
mir: ok prerequisite do you know the song dear avery by the decemberists
bc it's a necessary part of this idea i've had it stuck in my head for weeks and i just put it on repeat again and then suddenly had a thought
maddi: No I do not but I can look it up
mir: i'll go reblog it
maddi: #trufriend
mir: ok i reblogged it
secondary prerequisite i don't know if this is how the fade works but i literally don't care
bc i don't know what people feel happens in the afterlife and i like the idea that maybe after you die you become a spirit or at least some part of you can be found in the fade
bc if the fade is where you go in dreams
maddi: I feel u
mir: then it makes sense to me that when you dream you could find some part of what you've lost
like the part of you that dreamed stays in dreaming forever?
esp with elves bc you know that's like
literally what the ancient elves did instead of dying
the endless dream
anyway i was listening to this song and thinking about it and then zevstel bc i'm always lately haha i love to die but anyway
and. some years after their death, zevran still dreams of them, of course. he will always dream of them, from time to time at least, they will always be with him. it's a curse and a comfort both
but he's never sure what it means. just some conjuring of his heart,he figures?
they never speak to him, and though sometimes he can touch them, they seem distant. he guess it makes sense
they're far away and out of reach and even if there's some part of them in the fade or in him that lets him see them, it makes sense he can't really reach out and touch them
but he'd give anything to hear their voice again, even if they didn't really say anything, it would be enough, though that doesn't keep him from thinking what it might be like if he could have their counsel back
their comfort in the dark and the shine that they were, his hope
they made him believe in everything
that the world was a beautiful place and worth fighting for
and that he was worthy of being a part of that and of being loved
and that he could help
that helping was worthwhile and things could be changed, differences could be made, that loving and trying and fighting were not without meaning
it seems cheap to say he'd kill to hear them speak one more time
because he's killed for so much less
and then one night, an anniversary of the day he lost them, of course, the dream is different
he finds himself in unfamiliar territory in his dream
the fade outside his dreaming
it's terrifying and beautiful
soft and glowing and strange
he thinks he might be in some kind of forest, but its not any forest he knows
maddi: [softly] don't
mir: the trees are taller than any he's ever seen and they seem both to sparkle and to absorb light entirely
plants grow at their bases, vines around their trunks, with flowers that make him dizzy to look at too long
a gentle breeze stirs his hair and he only just notices that he's naked but he doesn't mind, because he feels safe, there's nothing else in the woods that can hurt him, the fade is supposed to be full of spirits and this must be the fade, but he hasn't seen a single one this time
he supposes he's not a mage so maybe they're just not interested
he follows a faint path, he instinctually suspects is a halla's foraging trail, through to a clearing
the light is dappled and shining in the glowing mist, the soft, almost golden grass beneath his feet that barely seems to touch his skin
and estel is there
maddi: [whispers] don't
mir: their skin is covered in scars, some he knows, some he doesnt, and their long hair is unbound, spilling over their shoulders, over their breasts, and creators help him it was never that only, it was so much more, but he has missed their body
he doesn't expect words or touch but this is enough, this is everything, peace with them and he swears at least this once its not something he built in his head
and then they reach out their hands to him and he comes to them and reaches out and takes them and oh mythal guard them and keep them here forever please he takes their hands and they take his and he can feel them
speech is hard and he doesn't recognize his own voice when he speaks
he wants to tell them everything, i love you and i've missed you and you were so brave i've tried to be brave too but sometimes its so hard without you
after a moment he realizes he sounds strange to himself because somehow he's speaking elvhen
and it overwhelms him that he has no idea where he is or how he got there or if he can ever get back but he almost hopes he can't
more than almost
and they smile
and draw him close to them and they're so warm how are they so warm
he can feel their lips against the skin of his neck, just below his ear, as they murmur "i've missed you too, ma vhenan"
and he shivers, his entire body just filled with light and why now, he wants to stay forever, but why now, he's glad of it, doesn't want to forget what they feel like in his arms, but how is he supposed to hold anything else once he's remembered them all over again
as if they can hear him thinking, maybe they can, they tell him they have time
they don't understand it all, can't tell him much more, but they fought for this, and he doesn't ask from who because he's somewhat terrified to know
but he knows
his warden would fight a god for the favour to see their beloved again
they spend an eternity together, or a moment, he kisses every scar on their skin, every freckle, they touch each other in every way they can find, talk and don't talk, and they sing to him, songs they learned somewhere far away
songs he doesn't think he can take back with him, even though he wants to
he imagines if leliana could learn these songs
but he doesn't think they could be heard outside the fade
maddi: Mir I'm a mess this is amazing
mir:
after some time immesurable and immaterial passes though
he feels himself growing suddenly tired
and they both know they're being called back
maddi: No
mir: i will always be with you, estel tells him, always, in your heart i am alive, but do not be afraid to love others, please, you taught me to love, do not forget your own lessons
and he smiles and kisses them and tells them he could never
and if there's a part of him that wants to scream at them and beg them why did you do it why did you leave me how could you let me go he knows they didn't and he knows why and he knows. he knows them as he knows himself, maybe more, and he could never hurt him with those things, and they know, they've asked themself all the same, he knows, but it still stings in the back of his throat sometimes
they don't know if they'll ever see each other again, but estel swears they'll keep trying
zevran lays down in their arms in the clearing, warm light bathing them both in gold
and when he wakes in the cold ferelden morning, some of that lingers
he closes his eyes and remembers them, and he can still hear their songs, but he can't sing them, and that's ok
wherever they are, they're ok
they're at peace, maybe it's time he tried to be so too
it's been four years since he lost them. it's time to start moving on
not letting go, never letting go
but to believe in going forward
maddi: MIR IM CRYING
WHY DO U DO THIS
mir: because i love to die
maddi: u love to die and kill me
U r the worst
mir: i cant die alone i cant do it ok
maddi: God ur the worst so much
One day I'll tell u some of my horrible anders/hawke headcanons
Like my demolition lovers one
mir: song inspired headcanons more like (dies)
maddi: EVERY TIME
mir: my hawke/anders stuff is mostly pretty sweet actually bc its all just heron being this wall of support just holding anders up with strong soft hands and never doubting him
and there's bittersweetness obviously but like in the end the tinuvielverse is all the happiest endings for everyone lmao
that wasn't quite intentional but all my ships in that 'verse end in "and then they got gay married and were happy forever"
maddi: My hawke, Lucien, romances anders and everything hurts because their romance is literally the burn fast an bright kind
The happiest ending any of my kids ha is "loses an arm and suffers severe PTSD for the rest of his life with the boyf"
That's aras tho
mir: i mean like tinuviel becomes warden commander and leliana becomes the fuckin divine and frees mages and tinuviel finds a way to put off her calling beyond normal limits out of her pure love and tenacity for leliana and the world like literally she just manages to reject the calling bc of how much she believes the world needs her
and then heron gets anders to safety and refuses to leave him ever and protects him and they eventually adopt kids and raise them somewhere safe
and tintalle. well. becomes keeper and defies anyone to say a word about dorian staying with him
tinuvielverse is literally "everyone is gay and has happy endings"
maddi: God imagine Dorian with a dalish clan what a mess
That's so nice tho
mir: it's a lot less complicated than the estelverse but also much less tragic
and then casperverse is really all over the place??
in estelverse and tinuvielverse everyone is Really Sure of their duty and their passion at their causes and being heroes and all that and like
casperverse is all people who are like "i have no idea how i got here and kind of would like to go home"
maddi: Incredible
mir: selaverse is the least consistent just bc canary is a combo breaker. sela and bellatrix are both "aggressive dark ladies who kick ass hardcore" and then canary is like "i like putting flowers in my beard and having way more intense sex with my gigantic boyfriend than you would assume about me based on that first statement"
maddi: OMFG CANARY
I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT FROM A TINY DARLING NAMED CANARY
mir: tiny bear
maddi: I feel like aras would admire the heck out of canary
Like aras is this 19 year old virgin who tries so hard to look cool but is actually a huge fuckin dork
mir: omg i have to get dressed
maddi: And he'd just be like 'WOAH' @ canary and starry eyes