#22.5.2018

[nei-ning]

I had a dream where I was, AGAIN, in weird place. It was some weird mix of second hand shop, some sort of school, block of flats and garden. I was there, don’t know why, and there was some other people as well. They all seemed to be couples. This one woman just suddenly came to me and she either wanted something what I had or wanted me to get her something etc. At first she was like any other normal random human to me (I didn’t care about her one bit) but at some point, after spending time with her, I suddenly realized we loved each other. I never saw her neck above but I knew she was super beautiful! So beautiful that you honestly don’t see such beauty here on Earth. Not even close. Beauty here on Earth was like 1% of her beauty. Honestly and really. I felt her glowing with bright light and the love between us was so strong, gentle and warm. Never haven’t felt such beautiful and strong love which I believe to have been true love from the depths of Universe <3 We headed to this garden area away from others where we could lay down on the grass / sit down and share little gifts with each other. It was nice but most blown away I still am about the feeling of love. It was truly beautiful <3

[shu-rooq]

توثيق يوم مهم، مهم فشخ:

- أنا بلتزم بأقصى درجات ضبط النفس والسماحة طول اليوم وأنا برا، أول ما بروح بنفجر فيهم كلهم.

- "آنسة شروق، اتفضلى الدكتور رفعت عايزك. / عايزنى أنا!!"

- "اهى دى بقى أكبر حمارة، حمارة وجحشة وهرابة"

- أنا عارفة إن فى مشكلة. الزعيق والشتيمة والصوت العالى دول كلهم عوض عن إنى معيطتش. أنا لو مزعقتش هقعد اعيط ومش هبقى عارفة أعمل إيه. كل ده قلة حيلة مش أكتر.

- رضوى مش بخير. لأ، رضوى بخير بس الأمور متلخبطة.

- اللى بيتغير ده هو اخر من يعلم. كل اللى حواليه بيعرفوا إنه اتغير وهو اخر واحد.

- أنا مقدرة إنك صغيرة وطفلة، بس انتى عندك خبر إن أنا بكرهك؟ حقيقى والله، بكرهك لمجرد وجودك، وأنا عارفة إنك ملكيش يد ف ده، بس ولا أنا ليا يد والله.

- أنا بكره كل الناس اللى بيعملوا صوت وهما بياكلوا، بكرههم لحد ما بيخلصوا أكل وبعدين ممكن احاول اصفى واتعامل معاهم بعد كدة عادى.

- أنا النهاردة كنت ف أقصى درجات شوفانى لنفسى، وممتنة لده عشان شوفته بيتصور قدامى من أكتر حد​ كنت مستنية منه ده.

- محمد زعلان.

- سر "لا حول ولا قوة إلا بالله"

[prosy-days]

May 22, 2018 - Day 337

I love my new beautiful trivet.

[godsnameisjoy]

22 & 20 May 2018

Last night ie at around 11 pm on the 22nd of May, I could last in meditation for just about 25 minutes. The night before that, I did not meditate at all. Prior to that, on the 20th of May, I meditated for 29 minutes.

This shrunk session duration is inevitable, I feel. At bed time, I enter the subconscious almost the moment I begin meditating ! This is unavoidable. The depth of meditation that I am arriving at, must not be undone. Just because I meditate longer in the shallow, conscious level of concentration, doesn’t mean that I should change the hour of meditation.

It’s a good thing that I meditate before I sleep. The night time meditation has depth that comes easily when the body is sensing fatigue. Unfortunately, at a certain point of this depth, it becomes an obstacle which I hope to overcome some day. The movement inwards, towards that stillness beyond our subconscious minds, is subtle on some nights. So subtle, that I can’t see a change of terrain. The mind simply comes under the general category of the ‘deep subconscious’. And I really don’t know what milestone is this that I am unable to cross over each night.

To keep meditating daily is the best I can do to gain the mental muscle to get past the subconscious tug to sleep. Some day ! Some night ! This will happen ! Fingers crossed 🤞🏼.

[not4kedz]

Nightmares again.

"How brave of you, when you look like that."

Even my dreams are mocking me haha. F off.

I don't want anyone or anything.

Just let me be.

[you-never-walk-alone-x]

Stark sein, war nie meine stärke, aber das einzige was mir geblieben ist.

Me.

[you-never-walk-alone-x]

Klar kannst du sein wer du bist, solange es für die Gesellschaft ok ist.

Me.

[you-never-walk-alone-x]

Wir lassen unsere Gedanken manipulieren. Ohne zu realisieren, dass wir nicht mehr wir selbst sind. Neigen zu unrealistischen träumen, weil wir nicht mehr unterscheiden können was wir wollen und was von uns verlangt wird.

Me.