161203-161204 IU Concert <24 steps: one two three four> TALK
During my trainee days, I was extremely quiet and depress. My senior trainees were gorgeous, tall and sang very well. I was quite poor and didn’t own many things. I was lack of confidence and kind of timid. Being the maknae (the youngest), I was a very solitary person. That was 10 years ago. I hated reality and dreamt a lot. I even dreamt when I was sleeping. I really like to sleep, even for now. Often woke up and found myself sleeping for 8 to 9 hours! There is no time for me to rest whenever I’m busy, so I sleep a lot when I rest. Time passes so quickly without being noticed when I’m doing nothing. Anyways, I like dreaming when I’m sleeping. As compared to reality, I like dreams better. As the time I spent on talking got shorter, the time I spent being alone got longer. Those times when I secretly indulged in daydreaming were precious to me. I will cherish these memories for a long time. Back then, my company provided me a dorm that was much better than my house located in Uijeongbu. It was a huge modern building with adequate heating system located in rich housing area. Despite being the maknae, I was given a single room all for myself. Other trainees had to live in the same dorm together. The fridge was always full and manager unnie (older sister) often prepared meal for me too. The environment was much better than my house. I felt like I was in debt, which was true. Back then, I didn’t understand well that everything provided to the trainees were also counted as debt. Trainees have to pay their debt to agency after debut, I earned them only after clearing the debts. Calmly sharing the reality, hahaha. Being the maknae, everybody was nice to me and I didn’t get scolded much. To be honest, I hated the dorm although it was indeed nice. Mainly because I couldn’t feel any warm feelings there, what’s more I was a good-for-nothing. So I hated there. Since then, I’ve begun to write diary till now. Lacking of confidence was the reason I started it. ‘Why am I living, where am I, where am I going’, I recorded down because I had doubts. If I don’t record down ‘why am I surviving today’, I would feel like everything was just illusion. Even ‘I ate Troop Stew today’ could be an evidence proving that ‘I’m still alive’. I would still go through them as time passes. There was a phrase written there ‘Although I could feel the warmth, but strangely I have no courage.’
2008, I was grade 3 and debuted with the song ‘Mia 👧’, do all of you remember? It’s been 7 years. Most trainees needed 7 years of training before debut, but I was lucky enough to debut after only 10 months of training. ‘Mia’ is quite difficult to sing, the key is high and the lyrics are tricky. Anyone still sings this in KTV? It would be more easy to reach high notes with soft voice. But the pronunciation is hard which makes it harder to reach higher keys. I felt exhausted when I sang this in grade 3, but still not an easy song for me now. I was busy after making my debut. Although this album didn’t have any achievements, I want to thank Loen Entertainment that put effort to help me release more albums. Thanks to them, I gained lots of fans and acknowledgements through releasing mini albums, single track, official album and schedules. And cleared my debts hahaha, really busy though. Sounds like a black-hearted company haha. 9 years passed so quickly. Debuting at a young age enable me to achieve my dream earlier, but there are pros and cons. I don’t have deep impression for my childhood. I debuted with that hard song, ’Mia’ but didn’t feel like a real singer after that.
I didn’t get that ‘Kyah, I’ve finally become a singer’ feels in ‘Mia’ or ‘Good Day’ era where my popularity rose, but in 2014 which is 2 years ago, remember? I was 22 back then. I want to talk about stories happened in that period. I released 4 times of song. Which songs were they? ‘Not Spring, Love, or Cherry Blossom🍒’ in spring. This song really brings out the spring feels of my springtime. Will the upcoming spring keep me warm? I still remember it was April 8th,2014 because I practiced hard with my former trainee friends. It’s the debut song for boy-group HIGH4 from another company. I felt uneasy due to AKMU’s comeback. “Ah, what should I do…”, the situation wasn’t helping since ‘200%’ and the 2 other songs sounds amazing too. I really love it but hmm…I shouldn’t help them with the streaming. I was super desperate and kept praying “Please be a hit, please” while waiting for 4/8. Later, I released everyone’s favourite album ‘The Flower Bookmark🌼’ on my birthday. Held a small theatre concert which was totally different from big concerts. I thought “Don’t think this will be a success” but it did and I was super satisfied, gained more confidence and memories. If there’s a chance, do join me in the small theatre concert again. When the 1st beat of ‘Meaning of You’ came out, a strong emotion hit me so hard and left me with deep impression. Singing this song together with fans makes my heart throb. ☀️Summer, I don’t really work during summertime. As all of you know, hits like ‘Good Day ⛅️’,’You & I 🕐’ and ‘Friday 💭’ were released in 🍁fall. 2014 summer, I didn't expect ‘Summer Love’ would receive so much love because I felt like it wasn’t my style while recording it. I didn’t sing this song much after that, but now I think it sounds super good after practicing for this concert. So, I suggested to add dance when the ‘Ulala’ part comes out hoping to reach everyone’s liking. This song was added in the list today due to my stubbornness. I decided to let myself rest during ❄️winter since I worked so hard for the collaborations with HIGH4, senior Kim Changwan and Ulala Session. Just then, I got a call from my big senior, Seo Taiji. I felt like I’m a promising junior when I received this wonderful song ‘Sogyeokdong⛄️’. Although I’ve never been there before, but I sang the song with scenic landscape in my mind. And so I featured in the album of one of my favourite singer. It was an honour.
Anyone here dislike G.O.D? No right? They are seniors who I really admire. Recently I went to a BBQ restaurant and met senior Yoon by coincidence. And he was sitting at opposite of my table, wearing a hat and could only see a part of his face, he’s senior Yoon Kye Sang. Since I was ugly that day, didn’t dare to ask for his signature. I took part in their album too. That’s how 2014 ended. I’m grateful that all my songs have great achievements. This is embarrassing to say it myself, but… my songs topped 1st place and received trophies. That was my glory year as a singer. “I’m finally a singer”! Although everything was perfect, but my heart had doubts and dropped in confidence. Every time someone praised me, I’d think that ‘Do I deserve it?’ and constantly doubting and hating myself. This is my first time sharing this out. I had hard times going on show because I doubt that I could show a cheerful side of me or meet your expectations. That was why I had less TV appearances. Also, I didn’t feel well and suffered from Binge Eating (Consuming large quantity of food in short period of time). Of course I’m okay now. I couldn’t sleep well too, but couldn’t find the reason behind it. My life was going on pretty well. Everyone praised me like “Pretty!”, “You’ve done well, great!” but I questioned myself “Why don’t I have confidence in myself?” while looking up the sky emotionally. ‘Reality is kind towards me, but why do I hate myself?’. With that, I suffered from Insomnia (Sleeplessness) 💤.
Sleep deprivation affected my mornings. I felt miserable when morning arrived. I couldn’t do anything because my brain was befogged all day. I was disappointed in myself. ‘I value sleep a lot, but why can’t I fall asleep? Why can’t my sleep cycle follow its normal pattern? Strange.’ It was a vicious cycle. There were so many things waiting for my decision and my condition wasn’t helping at all. For example, parting away with close staff, whether to renew contract or not and deciding what concept for next album. I renewed my contract with Loen Ent. even when I had doubts in myself. Now the name has changed to ‘Fave ent.’ That was because everybody treated me well, took good care of me. I began to take initiative in producing my music. I wanted to produce an album but I hesitated. I wasn’t sure what to do. ‘If I release albums like the ones before, will I wear out?’, I questioned myself a lot and finally got my answer. The answer was right at the end of my concern. ‘I should release a straightforward album that tells about my discomfort and anxiety whenever I receive compliments.’ I began to prepare new album in a daze, and decided to name it ‘Chat-Shire 🍰’ with the 1st song I sang just now ‘Twenty-three💄’ as title track. But I’m 24 this year. This album represents everything about me. My mischievous behaviour that tortures me, but I really am playful though. I thought ‘Will there be any album harder than this?’ as I was preparing it. I fought a lot with the staff due to conflict of opinion, and redid a few times. ‘Finally done!’, I put my mind at ease and slept peacefully. I love the album, and I'm still in love with the album. This album is lacking in many aspects, and I feel sorry the everyone here who had high expectations. I could have done better than this, I’m sincerely sorry and grateful. ‘Chat-shire’ is frankly written from a producer’s perspective, and frank reviews were given, it was hard for me. I’m very thankful to those who listened and evaluated this album attentively. I know it has left much to be desired but I have that ‘I’ve finally achieved a huge thing!’ feeling now. This album might be superficial, but no exaggerated compliments towards the album or me. Which also means this album received appropriate evaluation. ‘Chat-Shire’ is precious to me. It’s like my fingers, I would rather let myself suffer from the pain but never for my fingers. Although there are many people who dislike this album. It has been a year since I released ‘Chat-Shire’, time passes fast right?
I've been preparing for my new album, and I've appeared in my drama ‘Moon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo 🌙❤️.’ Many of my Moon Lovers family members are here today. I’m the type to get shy easily, but warmed up with them fast while filming the drama. Hope everybody watch it! I enjoyed filming the drama, and gained many friends. After filming ended, I'm taking a break these days. As mentioned before, I’ve been practicing all day like a trainee, preparing for my new album. This is the first time I have sometime ever since debut, feels good. I don’t have schedules, you’re upset right? I’m not resting, but working hard to prepare something interesting. Although work is work, but I care for how people think of me or when did they start to like me. But I don’t really care how I think of myself or when did I feel satisfied with myself after debut. ‘Chat-shire’ is the album that will make me recall back who I am now in the future. Those days are really meaningful to me. I’m trying to get rid of my bad habits and develop good habits like showing ’Not the side of me that’s being shown, but simply just me.’ in the future. Surely I’d get better and healthy soon.
I don’t really read back what I’ve done before, but I’m reading the interviews I did when I was a newbie these days. And one interview fascinates me. When I was still in high school, I was asked about my ambition and I answered ‘Producing album’. I had Goosebumps! My dream somehow came true. To be honest, I’m not really a strategist or planner. I didn’t come this far with that dream, but unconsciously did it. A thought flashed across my mind- ‘Every dream I dreamt when I was young came true, I should have dreamt more…. Like billboard haha.’ I’ve been dreaming a lot lately, hoping that these dreams will come true 10 years later. It has been forever since I dreamt for a dream, amazing. Of course, we shouldn’t just dream for fun and let go of them, new album will be released by next year. Next year is the 24th step right? I hope the 24th step will be peaceful. I hope more people will be looking forward with thoughts like ‘What differences will she have for this time?’ It would be amazing if these people love this step the same as me.
[Marshmallow Doll (ft. pink angel wings)－our adorable manager Hanteo]
I’ve changed a lot, hope everyone support me and love the new side of me. Now, I won’t ever feel lost or uneasy when I receive love and support. I can take in and manage them well. Gradually improving, feels good. This is the end of our talk, quite long right? I’ve never told anyone this before. But it’s better since I’ve always been holding and trying to overcome it by myself. It has become one of my habits. But now I can share with my fans in concert. I’m glad no one fell asleep till the end. This song was written at a night when I hated myself so much. There were some saying that this song sounds dangerously dark, and asked if I want to die. But no, this is not a song about wanting to die, but wanting to live well. The song that gives me hope. For me, it’s a cheerful song. You may sleep when I sing the song because I wrote this song hoping people would fall asleep while listening to it. Really, I won’t get angry. I wish all of you will have good dreams whenever you’re asleep, or awake.
✨THE END ✨
Source: Squishy’s audio recording Translated by 4seasonswithIU
