Diary Entry: Mon 6th August.
Well fuck. Today has been one of those days. One of those days where I look around the house and think why is it such a mess? Didn't I only just tidy round?
One of those days where I've woken up and my blood is already on a steady simmer, just waiting for the right person to set it to boil. Don't you hate those days? Where everything feels like shit, and everyone is irritating you.
It's the summer hols, so Elijah isn't at nursery school. Which means I get no break at all. I love him to bits, but being 3 he's just so energetic. All. The. Time. He doesn't nap during the day, but Lord I need a break.
I get torn between letting him play on his tablet and watch flipping YouTube just so I can have 5 minutes to myself. Then I scold myself because I hate using tech as a babysitter so I can have a hot coffee for a change.
Man. The mom guilt is so real. I catch myself talking to elijah like shit and wonder if I was ever cut out for motherhood at all. I feel super guilty if ivy Wakes up from napping after I've only just put her down, and all I can think is 'please go back to sleep, please give me a minute to have a shower, my hair is holding enough grease to fry some chips.'
Motherhood is great. But it can also be really, gut wrenchingly, lock yourself in the bathroom and cry, not Instagram worthy. SHIT...
Today was one of those days.
And later I'll lie in bed and let the mom guilt wash over me a fresh. As I think about all the times I've snapped at elijah, or not wanted to pick up ivy today.
It'll hit me hard.
And I'll probably be really fucking hard on myself, and promise that tomorrow I'll be super mom.
And I may well make good on that promise.
But... That's just one day. Just like today. And they aren't all the same. Because from day to day I'm not the same, and elijah isn't the same, and ivy isn't the same. And sometimes it's OK to feel shit.
But God damn, they don't tell you when they hand you your cute as a button newborn, that parenthood is a fucking roller-coaster..
Suppose it's learning how to take the good with the bad. I'm still learning. I'm not sure if I'll ever crack it.
If you have, then please let me in on your secrets...
Xoxo
