Mar 20, 2012
i dreamed that i was on facebook and i saw these two dumb kids drinking and smoking as their profile pics or whatever
and i saw the eleventh doctor in a corridor
i liked that part of the dream :)
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i dreamed that i was on facebook and i saw these two dumb kids drinking and smoking as their profile pics or whatever
and i saw the eleventh doctor in a corridor
i liked that part of the dream :)
I spent the last day of spring break with a Diamond Head Grill blueberry scone, and 4 straight hours of Wii with my sweaty youth members at my house, and you know it's all good, better than ever actually, except the fact that this 12 year old boy named Samson who is going through puberty has major body odor, and as much as I love this kid, I was debating whether or not to kindly tell him that he stinks or accept the stench and I came to the conclusion of spraying him a little on "accident" so I could seem a lot nicer than I actually am. Then finishing up some school work which will not benefit me in the future but heeeyyy 2 more months and I get to go to Boston.
3-18-12
Today was amazing!!! My sister, my brother, my mom, and I went to the quabbin resivoir. We sat on a giant hill and had a picnic. I took a ton of pictures!! We rolled down the hill. Me and my brother wrestled.... he won.... lol :P
Connecticut time....
Johnny, Tyler, and I tried mushrooms on Thursday (3/15/12) and what an experience that was.
The biggest thing that I am able to take away from that I was able to make up my mind on the existence of god... The feeling of how vast the universe really is got to me while we were wondering the neighborhood and the fact that there are seven billion people on this planet and if a god really did exist, that job would really fucking suck. And all of the sucky shit that people go through, if a god existed... that shit wouldn't. The main reason though, I just can't feel the presence of any higher being and even if I could have, would that have been enough to base such a decision off of? I think its really funny to think of a god watching all of the nonbelievers not believe in them but at the same time its depressing to think of all of the people who devote their lives to something that may not be real... I don't know, most of these thoughts didn't really occur while I was on mushrooms but instead, are happening right now. I just know that the feeling that there is no god and that we are responsible for everything that our lives become did come to me while I was on them.
And the thought I love the most is when I thought if god could get sick of the god job and someone else could take over or if god died too and then someone else filled the position... Like oh, yesterday... I died. Today... I'm god. Cool, right? It was a perfectly reasonable thought of the time.
The whole shroom experience was definitely an experience worth having... I don't care what anyone has to say negatively about mushrooms. Its been three days and I still can't figure out the right words to describe it but it was definitely an experience worth experiencing.
I was also thinking about all of the strangers we come across in our lives and the effect that a single smile could have on someone... I was just fucking thinking a lot about the relationships between people. Mainly strangers... The relationship between strangers. Is it even possible for a 'relationship' to exist between strangers?
This post has turned into me further pondering thoughts that I thought while I was on mushrooms... It is not at all a reflection of my experience. Maybe one day I will be able to find words to describe it but that day has not yet arrived...
I'm glad that after six date like things and a hand job later he is still interested in getting to know the person that I really am and getting past all of this shy girl/nervous mumbo jumbo... It is really nice to know that people like that exist.
This whole situation will never cease to amaze me, its nice that I will be able to take something like this away from my whole high school experience. And if he ever goes on to become president, just knowing that I touched his penis will be enough to keep me going through life. ;)
There's no gray area anymore. Recently, I've known nothing more than over-happiness, anger, and the worst sadness I've ever experienced. My moods have been changing so rapidly that my head is constantly spinning and my mind is always racing and aching with each attempt to sort something out. Nothing can be accomplished anymore. I feel worse than I ever have. I can't do anything except sit and hope for a moment where I can think clearly and positively. Even the simplest task is too overwhelming and I end up breaking down. I'm losing so much sleep. Thoughts of what could be keep me up all night and I constantly think of all the times that I fucked up and it brings nightmares that keep me awake. I'm not good enough. I'm not normal. There's something wrong with my head and I just want it fixed. I'm afraid that medication won't take away the thoughts of hopelessness and uselessness that haunt me every day of my life. I'm a failure. I'm repulsive. I'm too ugly. I'm too emotional. I'm too quiet. I'm not skinny enough. I'm useless. I'm too tired. I'm mean. I'm full of hatred. I'm weird and awkward. I'm a disappointment. I'm annoying and needy. I'm not good enough. I don't want to deal with this.