What remains behind

“Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower; We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind” -wordsworth

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So stressed. I can't wait for high school to be over. That shit sucks.

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:)

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2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

I am dating an 18-year-old.

 3. When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time?

Aggravated and happy at the same time... I don't know.

 4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

I smile at strangers all the time.

 5. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

I don't think so.

 6. Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?

I haven't really listened to anything today... Spent the whole day in bed sleeping.

 7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

Tank top and a pair of shorts.

 8. How often do you listen to music?

Plenty plenty plenty

 9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

Jeans. I never wear sweats.

 10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2013?

Before? I doubt it. I graduate in 2013 though :)

 11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

I'm pretty antisocial. I hate talking to people, I suck at it. But I honestly love listening to people talk... Even if they're not talking to me.

 12. Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with the letter ‘A’?

I have.

 13. What about ‘R’?

I don't think so.

 14. Can you drive a stick shift? Yeah, I can do it.

 15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

Yeah, definitely. I mean, who wants people talking bad about them?

 16. Are you going out of town soon?

Yeah, next weekend :)

 17. When was the last time you cried?

I don't keep track of these things. I think it was when Jared said I have only said two sentences to him in the five months that we have been together though.

 18. Have you ever told someone you loved them?

Yes I have. :)

 19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

Maybe. Having blue eyes would be really nice. But my eyes are a really neat shade of brown... not just dark shit brown so I'm pretty content with them.

 20. Is there a boy who you would do absolutely everything for?

My brother.

 21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

I've slept all day, I feel like shit.

 22. Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead?

Its cute when a guy kisses me anywhere. I love being kissed and I love to kiss.

 23. Are you dating the last person you talked to?

The last person I talked to my mother. Of course I'm dating my mother.

 24. What are you sitting on right now?

Le bed

 25. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you?

Jared does. :)

 26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yeah, it has happened. But look where it got me, I'm in a fantastic relationship with someone that wanted me just as much as I wanted them. :)

 27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

Jared, the boyfriend :)

 28. Do you get a lot of colds?

I don't think I get colds. I just get mad allergies.

 29. Where is the shirt you are wearing from?

Forever 21

 30. Does anyone hate you?

I don't know. I guess there is probably someone.

 31. Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room?

Nope.

 32. Do you like watching scary movies?

I love watching "scary" movies.

 33. Do you want your tongue pierced?

No.

 34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

I don't know. I don't think I've really had a year that was so bad that I would want to delete it. Even beautiful things grow from shit, ya know?

 35. Did you have a dream last night?

God. Yeah. It was fucking weird.

 36. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Last night / this morning ;)

 37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

In five years I will be 22. I guess it could happen. I doubt it though, I really don't think I want to get married.

 38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

I know someone has feelings for me.

 39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Right now, no. But you never know... ;)

 40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

I had a wonderful day yesterday :)

 41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

I was in the same relationship I am in now, 2 months ago.

 42. In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl?

I doubt it. Unless my mom counts, I don't really hang out with girls.

 43. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

I don't think so.

 44. What’s the best part about school?

Learning new shit. Even though school isn't teaching new shit so much anymore. I can't wait to get to fucking college man.

 45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

Yes I do :)

 46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

Yeah, I have passed notes to people in school.

 47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

Fuck. yes. All of the time.. over and over again.

 48. Were you single over the last summer?

This summer ends in two weeks, does it count as last summer? Because if yes, I was not single.

 49. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

I was fifteen two years ago... My life is completely different.

 50. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

Nothing.

 51. Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?

If I hated him, why would I be having a conversation with them?

 52. Are you nice to everyone?

No. I wish I was but i'm such a bitch sometimes.

 53. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Good god, yes. I love a guy that I never expected to like.

 54. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Yes. I've lasted five months so far without cheating, I don't think six is much of a challenge.

 55. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

Not at all.

 56. Do you think you like someone?

Yes. I think I like someone. Very much so.

 57. Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?

Jared starts with a J. Jared is my boyfriend. I have kissed my boyfriend. :)

 58. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

All my good friends are boys.

 59. Has anyone of your friends ever seen you cry?

Yes.

 60. Do you hate anyone?

No.

 61. How’s your heart?

Good as far as I know ;)

 62. Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

Yes.

 63. Have you ever cried over a guy?

I have.

 64. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?

Nobody

 65. Are your toenails painted pink?

uh, no

 66. Will your next kiss be a mistake?

As long as it's with Jared, no.

 67. Girls love it when boyfriends cry; correct?

Why would anyone love it when someone is crying? Sure, you get to see the sensitive side of a guy that, I guess, you don't see very often but why in the world would you love to see your boyfriend cry?

 68. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

My pants have never fallen down on their own in public.

 69. Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

My momma.

 70. How do you look right now?

Like Ive been in bed all day.

 71. Do you have someone you can be your complete self around?

Yep

 72. Can you commit to one person?

I am committed to one person right now.

 73. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Yes. I have multiple people of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to.

 74. Have you ever felt replaced?

Yeah. It happens.

 75. Did you wake up cranky?

Not originally. But I went back to sleep for another fiveish hours and now I feel like shit.

 76. Are you a jealous person?

Yeah, kind of.

 77. Are relationships ever worth it?

Yes. As long as everyone is in it for the 'right' reason. The 'right' reason being love, of course.

 78. Anyone you’re giving up on?

Nope.

 79. Currently wanting to see anyone?

Yessssssssssssssssss.

 80. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

Eat.

 81. Last person you cried in front of?

Bah. I really try not to cry in front of people.

 82. Is there someone you will never forget?

There are multiple people I will never forget. Unless I'm unfortunate enough to lose my memory for some reason...

 83. Do you think the person you have feelings for is protective of you?

He is.

 84. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

We would probably just be laying in my bed either talking or making out and stuff ;)

 85. Are you over your past?

Over it? Yes.

 86. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

Yeah. I liked Tad once.

 87. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

Yes. Multiple people.

 88. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

I think what I have right now may be my first true love. I don't know why he would be apologizing but if he knocked on my door I would be one happy gal.

 89. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in?

Yeah, I would let him in.

 90. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

I've never really had friends care much about the person I liked.

 91. Will you be in a relationship in 2 months?

I will be.

 92. Is there anyone you know with the name Michael?

Yes.

 93. Have you ever kissed a Matthew?

No.

 94. Were you in a relationship in January? How was it going?

Nope. Not in January.

 95. Were you happy with the person you liked in March?

I was very happy with the person I liked in March :)

 96. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

Jonny? Yeah, he's not unattractive.

 97. Who do you have texts from?

Plenty of people, I never delete that stuff.

 98. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

Whaaaaaaaat?

 99. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

Yes.

 100. Who’s in your profile picture with you?

Nobody, its just me.

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I need someone to make me feel like I am worth their time, like I'm not the absolute piece of shit that I feel like most of the time. I know it's shitty to rely on someone else to give your life meaning but I really need someone to validate my existence once in a while.

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3 months and I'm never sure where we stand

When things are good, they are really good and that is enough to make me want to push through with this relationship.

Things are never anything besides good but sometimes they are stressed... I am not the girl that you need me to be and you are not around as much as I want you to be. Things could be better, we could fall in love. Perfectly unperfect love, we could find it between ourselves if we would let down our walls and just be. I don't think either of us were prepared to feel this way about another individual so soon and now we are both cowarding in the corner with our tails between our legs, terrified of these feelings. Terrified of where this may end up. Just terrified because we are teenagers and this is so foreign. I don't know what to do. No one has ever told me how to be in a healthy relationship and I'm not sure if I have figured it out yet on my own or not.

I want to be with you. Completely. I really want to figure out a way to allow myself to do this. I just need all of the time in the world and I'm not sure that you can give me that.

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Lost my virginity today, yeeeah. And sometime this week will be the end of the first month of Jared and I being an official couple, neat stuff :) I cannot, for the life of me, stop smiling.

I thought losing my virginity would be a hell of a lot different than it is. Like the feelings after, the sex was pretty much what I thought it would be... Some what awkward, some what painful. But ah, I thought that I would feel like I actually lost something or I don't know, that it would be a bigger deal that it is but it's not. I'm just happy. Happy to be in this relationship, happy because my hormones are going wild, happy that I've finally had sex, happy that it wasn't something I had to second guess, happy.  Before every big decision in my life, I usually second guess it and over think everything but this wasn't one of those things... It was something I was completely sure that I wanted to do and I am glad to have done it :)

I lost my virginity while FRIENDS was playing in the background and then got a foot cramp afterwards...

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Johnny, Tyler, and I tried mushrooms on Thursday (3/15/12) and what an experience that was.

The biggest thing that I am able to take away from that I was able to make up my mind on the existence of god... The feeling of how vast the universe really is got to me while we were wondering the neighborhood and the fact that there are seven billion people on this planet and if a god really did exist, that job would really fucking suck. And all of the sucky shit that people go through, if a god existed... that shit wouldn't. The main reason though, I just can't feel the presence of any higher being and even if I could have, would that have been enough to base such a decision off of? I think its really funny to think of a god watching all of the nonbelievers not believe in them but at the same time its depressing to think of all of the people who devote their lives to something that may not be real...  I don't know, most of these thoughts didn't really occur while I was on mushrooms but instead, are happening right now. I just know that the feeling that there is no god and that we are responsible for everything that our lives become did come to me while I was on them.

And the thought I love the most is when I thought if god could get sick of the god job and someone else could take over or if god died too and then someone else filled the position... Like oh, yesterday... I died. Today... I'm god. Cool, right? It was a perfectly reasonable thought of the time.

The whole shroom experience was definitely an experience worth having... I don't care what anyone has to say negatively about mushrooms. Its been three days and I still can't figure out the right words to describe it but it was definitely an experience worth experiencing.

I was also thinking about all of the strangers we come across in our lives and the effect that a single smile could have on someone... I was just fucking thinking a lot about the relationships between people. Mainly strangers... The relationship between strangers. Is it even possible for a 'relationship' to exist between strangers?

This post has turned into me further pondering thoughts that I thought while I was on mushrooms... It is not at all a reflection of my experience. Maybe one day I will be able to find words to describe it but that day has not yet arrived...

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I'm glad that after six date like things and a hand job later he is still interested in getting to know the person that I really am and getting past all of this shy girl/nervous mumbo jumbo... It is really nice to know that people like that exist.

This whole situation will never cease to amaze me, its nice that I will be able to take something like this away from my whole high school experience. And if he ever goes on to become president, just knowing that I touched his penis will be enough to keep me going through life. ;)

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There's nothing like a text at 4am to remind you that you have found someone special <3

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The internet ruined my life. Even though it makes it possible to communicate with so many individuals that you wouldn't have otherwise come in contact with, beginning any sort of relationship through the electronic world is killer. Internet/text personas never seem to be parallel with the in real life character and this makes socializing quite difficult.

I love the relationships that I've started because we actually met some how in real life and just bettered them with electronic communications. Doing things backwards is exactly that, backwards, and totally fucks me up. We are bound to have unrealistic expectations of each other and doing anything in real life would shatter the masks we are able to hide behind.

The 21st century is really kicking my butt. I should have been born in a different era.

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What is the magic behind a hardcore show?

I fucking love everything about them. Except that people just expect less from you just because you are younger...You don't even have to be doing shit, they just don't care for you. But the hardcore dancing, I fucking love it. I love seeing the looks on their faces as they dance and then the looks of pure joy when they step out of the pit. It is just truly wonderful. And even just their movements themselves, they are so spastic and beautiful all at the same time.  I'm not sure I could constantly listen to hardcore screamo sorts of music all the time but I sure could go for going to all the shows. SHOWS SHOWS SHOWS. I love how everyone knows each other, that is all I want....to have friends...acquaintances... anything that really involves people that like me. But seriously, even the music. ALL OF IT IS FUCKING ART.

ALL IN ALL: I'm glad I went. Even though Chris's band, who I was initially there for, sucked ass. But the older bigger bands that are actually on tour were perfect! Even all of the older people there, it was just such a neat experience.

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I love when you cannot, for the life of you, figure out how a friendship began.

Like one day you were strangers and the next you were the best of friends.

I really do love those.

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I have never seen anyone as happy to see me as Rico was last night. So many emotions are flooding my body right now making it difficult to get anything in to words.

The feeling of being wanted is such a marvelous feeling that I don't really get to experience all that often, so last night, catching that vibe from somebody I haven't even seen in at least two years was incredible. I'm glad it wasn't as awkward as I thought it was going to be. It's like our friendship never ended, it was just on pause for a couple of years. There was a really strong bond between the two of us at one point in our lives, I cannot believe we ever let that go but I do suppose that things are better that way because it really gave us time to grow as human beings. The situation between us would definitely have been a lot better if we hadn't have been in the eighth grade and so incredibly immature at the time but there really isn't anything to do about that now.

I hope that seeing him at the show won't be our last encounter. Or if I get the opportunity to go see the band that Chris Skinner is in play on Tuesday and see Rico again, I hope that won't be the last of it. I would really love to just go hang out by the river and go get a pizza or something with Rico. It would be so nice to just sit down and do some catching up with out all of the things going on around us like at the show. 

Experiences like that remind me so much of why having friends is awesome. I mean Tamara and Derrik were really the only REAL friends that I have even had. Even Rico was technically an acquaintance because we never hung out outside of school... except at Dakota's birthday party and we were both closer to naked than clothed so that was strange :D  I just want people to think of me as a really awesome person to hang out with because I really am. It just takes time to get me out of the cage of shyness and most people don't care to stick around long enough to see that happen. Maybe some day I will be cool enough.

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The very things that my parents are taking away from me right now are the very things that make me want to continue my existence on this planet.

Killing myself would be so much better than all of this shit. Go ahead; take away my friends, take away my music, take away anything that gives me a single bit of joy, just don't be fucking surprised if you find me dead one day.

If things keep going this way, I will be calling it quits.

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I do not understand why if I have something of my brothers and I tell him that he needs to say please before I give it back to him and he bitches and yells at me, I am the one who gets in trouble and I am the one who shouldn't have his things in the first place.

But...

If he has something of mine and says I have to say please before I get it back and instead I bitch and yell then I get yelled at by my parents and have to say please before he gives it back.

I fucking hate all the double standard bull shit.

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There is so much optimism surrounding my life right now all because of my experience volunteering today. I have come so far from yesterdays contemplation of suicide.

And this is the very reason I will most likely never act on those suicidal impulses, feelings change. Situations, people, every fucking thing changes and you wouldn't be able to witness those changes if you are dead.