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Resentment list 4th step

1.being born into an awful divorce, this traumatized me and ruined my self-esteem. This covers so much I'm not sure how I'll get to 20?

2.my shy, timid nature. It would kill me to hurt a fly I'm quite the softie.

3.self-harm. I began cutting myself extensively around 18-19, this really cemented the self-hatred that stalks me all the time.

4.my female friends as a kid knowing I was gay before I did. My dick really controls me sometimes I just wanna get rid of it.

5.Being brought to a psychiatrist at 14(wow this is a big one) and going along with whatever he said because I didn't know better(how could I?). He put me on over a dozen different anti-depressants by the time I turned 15.

6. Poverty and injustice I see all around me, it sucks how unfair this world can be.

7.My father being an alcoholic, although he would never admit this. He used to get drunk and "wrestle" me really aggressively as a kid( like age 9)

8.getting creepily diddled by my family doctor, she said she was "checking me for lumps" but she had this creepy grin on her face and it lasted for at least 20 seconds.

9. My mother refusing any contact with me for the past 6 years. This has been the saddest part of my life, she raised me on her own and I feel so lost without her I cannot bear. I love her more than anything, she's my everything.

10. Crystal meth. You sank your hooks into me and ripped away my kindness, humanity and soul. I will never forgive you.

11.The deep sadness I've felt my entire life. This kindof relates to the first two, but just for context, this is the hole that meth filled. This was caused by an acute lack, of love and kindness/ my upbringing.

12. The demons that Crystal meth brought out of me. I will get more into this as it's really a few things. First of all it made me violent, my first time coming down I punched this small, make nurse as hard as I could. this isn't me, this isn't what my mother raised me to to.

13. This is my blog and there's just no way around this, my dad is kindof a pedophile, or "hebophile" more accurately, I've seen him thirsting over teenage girls. My mother, acutely aware of this did her best to shelter me from him and keep me safe. I always thought my mother's love was enough, I believed it would protect me.

14. When my mother left me at 19, I pretty much immediately began masturbating to the thought of girls a few years younger than me as a coping mechanism. I'll never forgive myself for this, when she left it felt like the good part of me left too.

15. The strange omerta surrounding these, uh, "issues" that make it impossible to actually help anyone and pretty much guarantee someone could get hurt, even though it's 2024, I geuss it's because it only really happens in men and we're in a tough place as a society(COVID)

16. As you may have geussed by now, Crystal meth brought out full blown pedophillc thoughts in me. It was the only thing that made me not suicidal for the first time in years, but yeah after a few months of daily use. I just full on wanted to fuck a child I can't really explain it, I don't act on these thoughts I'd rather jump off a bridge.

17. In conclusion, you may say "LOL UR A P3D0 KYS", and to that I say, alright. I've survived 3 or 4 suicide attempts so don't think you can break me so easily. I'm not here to advocate for pedophiles, but I'm a person, an inconveniently queer one so make of that what you will!

P.S. I'm in therapy and have been sober from meth so since August, I'm doing my best to man-up and solve my issues but if that's not good enough for you, you know what I know exactly how you feel a lot of things aren't good enough for me, including your society.

#4th step #trauma dump