Imagine Cal coming home from tour rehearsals and instead of his usual excited-self coming home he looks lost. He dumps his bag and bass by the door, comes over to where you’re seated and cuddles into you. You both spent a few minutes in silence where you held onto him close and rubbed his back. The last thing you wanted to do was push him too far as he’s very closed off with his emotions and always tries to be happy for everyone else. But eventually you knew he was going to have to let it all out at one point and it was now he decided to that. Soon you begin to feel your top becomes damp where his tears wouldn’t stop. You desperately tried to wipe them away, it paining you to see him like this but they just wouldn’t stop. You gently press soft kisses to his neck in an attempt to soothe him but nothing was working, sobs racked his body.
Eventually his tears subsided into whimpers, each one sending pain through your body at the sound of your baby being upset, as he nuzzles your face into your neck. You gently hold his hand and lead him towards the bedroom, and he follows you behind. You see his body relax as it’s engulfed in sheets and he signals that he wants you to be the big spoon, something that only happens when he’s upset. Your fingers softly play with curls in his hair as he starts to tell you all that happened this day. His voice sounds hoarse as he explains that,
“The closer tour gets the worse the reality becomes. Of course I’m excited to see fans it’s not them. It’s the instability. I can’t handle being in a new bed ever night, not knowing when I’m next going to be able to call, not being able to see my family. The boys don’t get it they just said I being selfish which makes it worse. They’re worshiped by fans and I’m not. I get scrutinized for everything I do, am I meant to walk on egg shells this whole year? Tour was so tough last time for all of us, we drifted apart as we all watched each other struggle silently and we couldn’t do anything to stop it. We were all so low and I’m the only one acknowledging it’s going to get worse this tour. I just don’t know what to do baby. You make me feel like I’m at home wherever I am. But you’ll be gone and Ill’ be left alone with my thoughts plaguing my mind. All of this is made worse as I can’t even see you, I just I don’t know if I’m even cut out of for this, maybe I should just quit it’s not like fans like me any-” you cut him off with a kiss. You fight back your own tears as you tell Cal how wanted he is.
“You can’t let fear determine how you live your life. Undoubtedly you’re going to have hard days but there’s people that will help you through it. Every night when you go on stage you can look out into the audience and you know deep down you’ve helped them overcome some sort of difficulty. Then when they’re singing the songs that have helped them back to you, that’s their way of them saying you’re going to be okay. You may be feeling shitty that day but they’ve got your back like you’ve got theirs. As for me I’m not going anywhere baby, I’ll come see you as much as I can. You can call me whenever I don’t care if it wakes me up because you’re health means so much to me okay? Remember Cal this isn’t permanent you can leave tour if you feel it’s too much. But you owe to your fans, band, family and most importantly yourself to at least give it a shot. Whatever you decided baby I’m going to be here for you okay? I love you, don’t forget that” You get a weak nod in return and you know that’s all you’ll be getting. When Cal does pour out his emotions it drains him massively and you know he’s reached his limit. He just kisses your collarbone and mummers a, “thank you so much, I love you too” before falling into a deep sleep.
