#6monthswithbrianwilliams

[6monthswithbrianwilliams-blog]

Brian Williams on Fishing

"Fat people love to fish."

"I think all kinds of people like to fish, Brian."

"Not like fatties. They need it to feel powerful. A fat guy isn't going to hunt. The best they can do is hunker down in a boat and take credit for the stupidity of a fish."

"Fishing isn't always easy."

"People aren't always smarter than fish."

"Smart fish or dumb people?"

"Dumb people."

"Oh."

"Dumb, fat people."

Wait, no. My mistake. I was discussing the radicalization of cats in Petach Tikva over a bunless burger at Shu Sha with Ayelet Halamish and in my excitement I confused the stories. It happens.

[6monthswithbrianwilliams-blog]

Brian Williams on Bernie Madoff, Basketball, and Jews

"Bernie Madoff was really good."

"I think most people would disagree with you, Brian."

"At basketball."

"Oh."

"For a Jew."

"I'm a Jew."

"How's your free-throw?"

"That wasn't the point I was trying to make."

"It's worth three points."

"I --"

"You must be shit at basketball."

Wait. No. I was at Yankee Stadium with Dean Landsman discussing the efficacy of Arbitron's survey method and in my excitement I confused the stories. It happens.

[6monthswithbrianwilliams-blog]

Brian Williams Explains Teaneck, New Jersey

"You don't know what it means to be a man," Brian leaned in and pointed at me, "until you've done time in Teaneck, New Jersey. Cutthroats live in Teaneck. You want to pussyfoot through life, you go to some softyville like Englewood or Alpine, places that wouldn't know a riot if it came in a zoot suit. You want to be broken and forced to build yourself from dust? Teaneck. You know how many orthodox synagogues there are in Teaneck, Page?"

"Twenty three?"

"That's right, twenty three. Because being in Teaneck for just a few hours makes you cry out to god. I've been to every synagogue and there's always a minyan for Kaddish."

Brian Williams loves saying Kaddish, the Jewish mourners' prayer.

He continued, "Every synagogue, morning, afternoon, night, Kaddish. That place is full of death."

"I'm sure there's more to Teaneck than death."

"Death is lucky in Teaneck. You'd pray for death, Page. Do you know what the most popular food in Teaneck is?"

"No."

"Guess."

"Deli?"

"Ha! Amateur! You see Noah's Ark Deli and you think you have the answer. You're right in that Teaneck is the kind of place to name a restaurant after the most-famous story of saving animals and then grill, broil, and feed people those animals, but you're not even close."

"OK. Pizza?"

"Fool!"

Brian slapped me across the face.

"You're seeing with your eyes. You need to feel. Feel the energy. Sushi."

"Sushi?"

"Raw flesh," Brian answered. "That's what the people of Teaneck crave. You'd never make it here. 'Pizza.' Fool. The pizza stores here sell sushi. Everyone sells sushi. Teaneck's thirst for raw flesh is insatiable." Brian drinks his food.

"Everyone?"

"An oil change comes with a spicy salmon roll."

He had a point.

"You haven't seen anything. Teaneck's entire education system is built on humiliation. The honors classes are strictly public ridicule and insults to your personal worth, which is nothing, if you're lucky."

"That seems rough."

"You don't know rough. The Teaneck Spring Fair bouncy castle is the municipal recycling depot's glass bin. You want to play in Teaneck, you jump on broken glass. If you cry, they deport you to Tenafly. You know where the depot is? On the river. It's not for transport. They use trucks. It's so when you gaze into the river you see a literal reflection of the trash you are. That's romance in Teaneck."

"Romance? That sounds like a positive."

"Romance is forbidden in Teaneck. You're not even allowed to love yourself."

Wait, no. I was at Smokey Joe's with Adam Gussen and Matthew Strassberg  discussing ways to throw pumpkins and in my excitement I confused the stories. It happens.

[6monthswithbrianwilliams-blog]

Mr. Trump would like to qualify remarks made about Brian Williams. True, Mr. Trump, hugely successful real estate mogul and beloved TV personality, who has more talent in his pinky than most people have in their extended families, called Mr. Williams, “lying Brian Williams”, but to call Mr. Williams a liar would be to fail to tell the whole picture and Mr. Trump has never failed at anything in his life.

Brian Williams is not just a liar, he's also very stupid, as stupid as Mr. Trump is brilliant and successful. Brian Williams is so dumb he cannot do two things at once, like remember a story and tell the truth. When Brian Williams orders a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, they have to give him two sandwiches, one peanut, and one jelly, because he's too stupid to handle both at the same time. Mr. Trump has the courage to tell the truth.

And you know who makes those sandwiches for Lying Brian Williams? Mexicans. Mr. Trump's sandwiches are made by Americans, with American Cheese, and these sandwiches are huge, glorious, the finest sandwich materials, because Mr. Trump will Make America Great Again. Like it once was, before Mexican Station NBC (MSNBC). NBC’s sandwiches are pathetic. Mr. Trump has wives younger than the bread on an NBC sandwich.

Let it be known that from hereon in no NBC or Univision employee may play with the pool toys at Trump Atlantic City.

Donald J. Trump

[6monthswithbrianwilliams-blog]

Brian Williams on Donald Trump Being Fired from NBCUniversal

"Trump being fired means they moved him to MSNBC, right?"

"I'm afraid not, Brian. He's really out."

"They can do that?"

"I'm afraid so."

"To Trump even? I thought he was invincible. This makes him seem human."

"I wouldn't go that far."

"Minnows won't mate in his hair. We've tried. Even with seeds."

"It's dried fruit, I keep tellin--"

"I don't understand why he gets to be fired and I don't."

"You don't? You want to be fired? I thought you love NBC."

"I..." Brian paused, twisting the stick-on handlebar mustache he'd made Props put on him before drinking his pureed lunch, "I like the zoo more."

"Of course you do, Brian. We all love the zoo. But that's fun. What do you want to do for work?"

"What's work?"

"What you do during the week. Where we bring you to sit at the desk and read the words on the mirror?"

"You just heard yourself, right?"

Wait, no, I was having vegan smores at 40 Carrots with Aly Walansky, discussing nail polish that warns you when Fleetwood Mac is about to play, and in my excitement I confused the stories. It happens.

[6monthswithbrianwilliams-blog]

Brian Williams Hates the Library of Congress

"Fuck the Library of Congress!"

"Whuh?"

I'm not sure if I spit out my soup or if it all settled to the bottom of my gaping mouth.

"You know what I'm talking about. Those arrogant book pushers."

"You have something against books?"

"I write books!"

Technically, a man in Palm Springs, California writes books and we put Brian's headshot on them.

"I'm very familiar with your books."

"Is that a sexual thing?"

"What?! No. I'm not--"

"If you're having sex with my books I understand. I get that. I get it. In high school I had an intimate relationship with a magazine."

"Looking at the pictures?"

"Sure. Sometimes."

"Sometimes?"

"Listen, book fucker, I don't have a problem with your sexual proclivities. You gonna judge me and Searsy?!"

"Searsy? You had a thing with the Sears catalogue?"

"There wasn't the Internet back then."

"Fair point."

"That's when the Library of Congress got their power. Before the internet. They controlled the in-for-mation." Brian Williams punctuated each syllable by  whacking the table with his spoon.

"I'd say they more catalogued it. They'd give each book an ISBN."

"That's what ISBN telling you!"

"Wait! Was this all a setup for that pun!?"

Wait, no. My mistake. I was on a Delta flight from Miami to NYC with Brad Meltzer describing mental health in the Oval Office and in my excitement I confused the stories. It happens.

[6monthswithbrianwilliams-blog]

Brian Williams Donates His Body to Howard University

"If I die, donate my body to Howard."

"Stern?"

"University! Howard University! The premier institution for young African men and women. Stern? What are you nuts!?"

"I'm just a little confused. People usually donate their bodies to a local hospital or science center."

"Howard does all kinds of science. Including the science of race!"

"I think we're getting close to saying something we shouldn't, Brian."

"I was born black."

"There it is."

"I've been black my whole life, really."

"I've met your parents, Brian."

"Those country niggas!?"

"Whoa! Brian! No! Not OK. Never OK!"

"Not OK for you to say, maybe."

"Brian you're white."

"How dare you!"

"Brian, you know I love you, but we've agreed you'll never use these words."

"You love me!?"

Wait, no. My mistake. I was at B&H with Phil Landsberg chewing on Brazilian candies and discussing their pending war with Adorama and in my excitement I confused the stories. It happens.

[6monthswithbrianwilliams-blog]

Brian Williams Calls me a Racist

"They're Asian. Every day is a science fair."

"Jesus, Brian, stop saying things like that."

"Why? What's racist about it? Ooh, Asians are good at science. Who am I hurting?"

"Making general statements is --"

"General statements? People should wear sunscreen on the beach. Am I a racist? I made a general statement about sun and skin protection."

"General statements about a group of people --"

"Mexicans don't steal! There! What's racist about that?"

"I'm sure there's plenty of theft in Mexico."

"I don't know why you have to be saying negative things about an entire country, racist."

"Not the entire country."

"Racist." Wait, no. My mistake. I was walking down K Street with Ron Kampeas discussing whether hot glue guns were good for the Jews and in my excitement I confused the stories. It happens.