#aandey

[thehalcyoneigengrau]

Am I unhealthily living an illusion?

Is this an illusion? Do I have to wake myself up? It's been a month. A month of feeling more alive than usual. I've expected myself to be the introvert and loner I was prepared to be. I know I'm still this fvcked up kid, but right now I want to actually be better. I still don't like challenges (I actually hate them). But for someone whom I really care about, I know I have to be responsible enough. And today, the chest pains are back. They hurt af. I can't eat well, I can't think well, I can't even get my ass off my bed. I've been sick for weeks now, and it sucks, okay? What in the world is happening? There are a lot of whys and what ifs. I'm being vague, but who cares?

[thehalcyoneigengrau]

Down as ever, Andi?

So, it's 8 am in the morning and I'm sitting here and letting my hands do its thing -- this typing of thoughts kind of shit.

What is her problem? What is with her blaming it all on us? If she doesn't like how shitty she's been handling life with us, the door is wide open.. she could just leave and we'd feel sad for a bit, but fuck! That would just be us being nice. If we’re not even close to being fucking nice, she’d cry everyday because of her being inconsiderate.

She's unbearable. Why does she get mad at us whenever she's mad at the younger bro? I'm feeling sorry for the younger bro for actually existing as my father's son, and as our brother. We couldn't even defend him because he won't let us help him. I feel sorry because damnit, how could one just be so distant with her own brother? How could I be such a coward to actually allot time for helping this boy?

How could she just actually hate someone because of being with us? How could someone just not want to let this kid in? How could someone actually be so heartless for this poor young boy who needs guidance and love from a family?

Unanswered questions: But they make me wonder if I’m just not ready to face the truth--or I’m just too messed up to even want to understand.

[thehalcyoneigengrau]

I won't forget your lips being too soft that when you placed yours on mine, I knew at that moment that I'd get addicted to it.. That I'd get addicted to you.

[thehalcyoneigengrau]

Srsly got way too dumb that I said stupid stuff. 😭😭😭

[thehalcyoneigengrau]

Okay, so I had this 'woah, you just got too annoying' moment. And I can't say that I haven't felt that for a long time. Haha. Who am I kidding? I feel like I overstep my boundaries because of me being so unguarded with and towards him, but I know it's not supposed to feel this way. Or is it supposed to feel just as painful? 😔 I can't believe it, man. I can't stop myself from feeling betrayed, I want to cry for the whole day and just wake up the next morning feeling as cold as I was back then... You know, if that would help make this ugly feeling go away. 😔

[thehalcyoneigengrau]

Do I really have someone? Do I still have anyone?

How needy could I be? I miss talking to the ones who really want to know about my day even if it always goes the same, to the ones who go out of their comfort zones just to be a worthy convo-pursuer even when they really don't have to, to the ones who'll never get tired of my complaints and cowardly decisions in life, to the ones who actually cared... ,but I've pushed them away and although it's mainly my fault, it's not ENTIRELY my fault. If only it'd be that easy to send them a message that could emphasize how much I miss the assurance I get from their weirdly and unusually kind words. Also, that I'm grateful for them accepting me wholeheartedly. I know that I'm not easy to handle, and I'm not sure if I still have anyone whom I could open up to about these feels.

[thehalcyoneigengrau]

Gonna seem pathetic, but I'd take that risk.

[thehalcyoneigengrau]

My room’s a doomed place to stay in.

And I mean this literally. My two light bulbs have failed to light up my room. Was my doomed self too much to handle that it has successfully affected the comfy ambiance of my sort-of-safe hideout?