#abortionsupport

[klassicknight]

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[sceptichopelessromantic]

Thoughts.

I am 200% pro choice and pro abortion if it's what you want to do, having had two myself. I'm an advocate for women's rights and doing what they want with their bodies, equality and standing up for what we believe.

But there is so much to be said about the lack of aftercare after an abortion and how you're tossed back into your life like nothing has happened and expected to snap back into the norm with no support or option of counselling.

Some may be fortunate enough to be able to do that and of those I'm envious. I see and present myself as a strong, independent and outspoken woman but this is something I have struggled and will continue to struggle with for the rest of my life. I was so young and was never given any options or advice afterwards.

I really think that aftercare and support is something that is so vital and should be addressed. Due to the trauma of my experiences I've had so many mental health issues, changes in personality, nightmares, guilt and grief. I became and have continued to be withdrawn and still to this day regularly recall it second by second in an attempt to figure out if what I did was the right thing.

It's not regret...but it feels like it a bit. Its a similar feeling. I know for me those were the right decisions at the time and how different life would be. How could I be responsible for another when I can barely look after myself? I can barely keep myself alive, I couldn't keep a child alive, right? It wouldn't be fair... Or is this what's unfair?

I now can't have kids even if I wanted to, does this mean I being punished for what I did? Is it karma? Is it something higher? I'm not religious... but about this, I do feel like I'm being punished somehow.

These are things that I doubt I'd still be thinking or questioning if I'd been offered some sort of support and taught how to process the feelings of guilt, grief and shame that society subconsciously ensures you should feel.

Just a thought.

I'm now going to torture myself by recalling and analysing each day, second by second.

[provoicesupportblog-blog]

(1)i had an abortion last august. i know it was the right decision for me, but it was still very difficult, particularly because i didn't have the support of my boyfriend. in fact, it caused a huge fight that almost broke us up. he called me selfish at first. eventually he came to accept it but he still refused to talk to me about it and didn't want to go to the clinic with me... (cont'd in next messaged)

finally he came to understand, he was there for me the day of the procedure and he made me very comfortable afterwards. recently the condom broke while we were having sex, and now i think i'm pregnant again. do you think i'm awful for choosing an abortion again so soon? should i tell my boyfriend? i'm scared that it's going to cause us trouble again but i don't want to go through this alone. i'm too ashamed to tell my friends i'm having another abortionOh life can be so unfair sometimes. I'm sorry you have faced two unplanned pregnancies so close together despite your efforts. If you weren't ready to carry the pregnancy in August of course you wouldn't be now, you're right, its still very soon. I completely understand your fears about talking to your boyfriend. You both went through something difficult but came out of it with an understanding and peace and now you are faced with being right back at square one. However, I wouldn't want you to go through this alone. If you don't feel like telling him is there anyone else you can share this with in your life? You sound like you really know who you are, how you feel, and what is best for you, you've made a lot of tough decisions and I think you're doing a great job of taking care of yourself. You can call backline (a non judgmental pregnancy counseling talk line) to speak with a counselor about your situation and emotions [phone] or Exhale (a non judgmental post abortion counseling talk line) [phone]. Given your unique experience either talk line would be good do call. They are both safe and unbiased. Good luck with everything, take care <3 -Kate

[provoicesupportblog-blog]

"But you weren't ready for a baby" and "I support your right to choose" were personal daggers to me. I always felt so ignored when people would respond this way to my confusion, pain, questions, etc. 

These are so great, Kassi is just the bomb.com <3 <3 <3

[provoicesupportblog-blog]

Regret and Triggers

I get so many private messages and see so many stories posted about wanting to have another baby after an abortion, and a lot of these emotions are triggered by other people in their lives going through with a pregnancy. 

Granted, a lot of people do not feel this way, I'm simply addressing a theme I have seen on tumblr and heard on the talk line. As always, post abortion emotions cover a broad spectrum and I'm simply honing in on one sliver of that spectrum right now. 

Heres my best advice for those of you who genuinely think of becoming pregnant again to suppress the grief/guilt/regret/or whatever you are feeling now. It makes total and complete sense why you would want to go back to the same choice that made you so grief stricken, and make the opposite one. Thats logical. I say, having an abortion is a lot to go through, and maybe when you are right in the middle of conflicting feelings about it is not the most beneficial time to become pregnant again.

Envision the perfect pregnancy scenario, where you are 100% ready for that child, your life has aligned to make room for a new baby, all the things you needed and wanted are in place. Maybe even write down what this would all look like. Know this is possible, know that this is in your future, it can happen.

The pain of having your abortion may never fully go away, as many other heart breaks remain with us, making us stronger. The way you feel is important, and it should be addressed fully. You can try becoming pregnant again when you are fully healed and have a better place in your life for those circumstances, and you deserve that. 

When you see others carrying their pregnancies to term try to mentally distance your choice from theirs instead of comparing, that is just going to hurt you. Their life, their pregnancy, their child is not yours. Your experience was unique and has nothing to do with them. If it becomes unbearable, as it is for some people, know your boundaries, find your limits, and maintain them. This is the ultimate self care. 

I've been saying this a lot in different ways and wanted to try and condense it into one post, by no means should you feel that you cant continue to come to me with these same emotions. This is a new year, you are here now, welcome the passing of time and let it heal you <3 -Kate

[provoicesupportblog-blog]

[provoicesupportblog-blog]

<3

[provoicesupportblog-blog]

My Story (The long version)

Here it all is!

I always wanted to be a mother. I had four younger siblings and dreamed of being pregnant and growing a huge family. I was present at my brother and sisters births and they were the most spiritual and beautiful experiences of my life. 

For some reason, I thought birth control would last in my system if I didn't take it for two weeks (it hadn't come in the mail). I told myself what everyone does "People have to try to get pregnant" "What are the chances?"

If I'd known anything about ovulation I would have known the chances were extremely high. 

My birth control then did come, and I took the entire months worth before taking a pregnancy test.

Seeing the "Pregnant" come up wasn't as horrifying as I thought it would be. A small part of me registered how special and amazing it was that I was carrying life, life I wasn't ready for but still the science of it awed me. I walked into the other room and my two year old sister, Lila, greeted me. I could not even touch her.

The father was a guy who was three years older than me, he was dating someone else by this point, but we had been semi serious earlier in the summer. He was unstable, drinking a lot and experimenting with drugs.

I called him and my two best friends immediately. 

At first I felt nothing, I agreed to an abortion without a second thought. 

By the next day I was really feeling it. I didn't physically feel the baby but I did spiritually. I felt so important and holy, I was growing a person that was half of me and my family. I would touch my belly and say "Im so sorry."

I told the father that I had options, and I wanted to talk about them. He jumped down my throat insulting me and telling me I was a psycho, little girl, and I was not going to raise his child or give it to someone else to raise. He also called my best friend and tormented her.

Then my parents found out and I just wanted the whole thing to go away. I told them I was set on abortion and wasn't going to discuss it further with them. I was not set and was waiting for someone to tell me I could change my mind.

I felt like I was making my first adult decision, I didn't want to, but I had to.

I cherished every second of being pregnant, from the time I woke up until I went to sleep. I looked up how far along I was, and was very upset that I'd be aborting a baby with a microscopic heart beat. I had two hearts beating in my body. 

The day finally came, and I was terrified. I had never had surgery before, and my pain tolerance was extremely low. 

The father drove me, I felt like a prisoner. My best friend met us there, in our high schools cheerleading uniform. GO FALCONS!! I had my ultrasound and saw the baby, I thought it would make me change my mind and it did not. 

Then I went to sign the paperwork and found out that I wouldn't be put out. I would be "lightly sedated and feel relaxed". I started crying and asked if I could be put out all the way, or if there was another option. The nurse snapped at me that I had made this appointment for this abortion on this day and if I wanted something else I would have to go somewhere else. 

I signed the paper. They inserted the local anesthesia needle into my arm, but the doctor was late so I had to wait in the waiting room with the needle in my arm. 

They called me back and I started shaking and the tears were free flowing. Once in the room I asked if women leave at this point. The doctor (ignoring my obvious terror) says that one woman had last week but she had "other problems". I laid back, crunching the paper underneath me, and I asked if someone would hold my hand. They told me that everyone needed all of their hands. I came to half way through the procedure and I was bawling, a nurse stood above me wiping my face and neck, not holding my hand. I felt the vacuum inside of me. 

Once I was let out and given back to the father and my best friend I started crying again "That was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, i am never going to get over this!!"

The regret hit me the next morning when I woke up feeling more empty than I ever had in my life. I felt like my soul had left my body. I tried to go homecoming dress shopping but ended up silently screaming in the bathroom at the mall. This was the beginning of me trying to do "normal senior year things" and ending up crying in a bathroom. 

I began writing in a journal, I wanted the baby back, I wanted to be able to put it up for adoption. I didn't think I deserved a fun senior year, and I now decided I would never have children. 

I would go to parties, concerts, raves, drink, I tried ecstasy (the one time I felt no pain and truly let it go for a few hours.) I pierced my bell button and went to all the school dances. The emptiness remained. 

I had a panic attack in front of my mom, and then my dad, after never talking about it since. They both encouraged me to reach out to my youth pastor and family friend. I was afraid of her being disappointed in me but I called her. She left me the sweetest voicemail and I could tell she had been crying. We decided to meet for coffee once a week at Starbucks. I would tell her how I felt and she would just listen, she validated everything I felt, and encouraged me to talk about it more. Never once did she judge, or preach, or express disappointment. I decided to go to post abortion counseling at a CPC in Beverly Hills. While it was great to, again, have my feelings validated I didn't like the under tones that abortion was bad. Abortion isn't bad, it just made me very sad, and thats okay. 

I started dating someone, and it was the first thing that made me feel like the abortion was worth it. Love was coming from a sacrifice I had made. After my due date came and went I started slowly healing, just because of time, talking about it, and being head over heels in love. 

I ended up moving to San Francisco and getting involved with Exhale. My abortion was so confusing to me because I had always considered myself Pro-Choice and I didn't think I was allowed to grieve my pregnancy and be Pro-Choice. Exhale introduced me to Pro-Voice, which basically means you can feel however the fuck you want about your abortion, it happened to you, and be Pro-Choice, Pro-Life or neither. 

After becoming a post-abortion counselor I learned first hand that the dialogue around abortion in this country is purely political, it silences and stigmatizes women. The emotional aspects are only used as ammunition in the on going battle. 

Even after becoming involved with Exhale and owning my emotions, I still felt small pangs of regret. I didn't have closure with the father and would collapse into a panic attack whenever I saw him. All the reasons I thought I had the abortion for ended up being meaningless to me. At the end of each day though I could confidently say that I was happy to not have a child with me. 

Today my life has gone through so many changes since my abortion, in just three short years I feel absolutely no regret, no shame, or guilt. I know that I do not wish I had a two and a half year old right now, and the only sadness I feel is for the younger me that was so tormented by such a big decision. 

I don't feel embarrassed that my abortion devastated me, nor am I ashamed to be at peace now. This experience has shaped me as a person, and has made me wiser, more compassionate, and a much better listener. 

Here is a blog post I wrote about living with regret and questions after my abortion-https://exhaleprovoice.org/blog-post/letting-it-go

And here is a blog post about how my relationship with my mom improved after I ahd an abortion-https://exhaleprovoice.org/blog-post/how-my-mom-being-pro-voice-saved-our-relationship