Also I watched the movie To All The Boys I Loved and I can kind of relate to Laura Jeane. I crave love but the moment someone likes me I freak out. It's partially bc I probably don't like them in the first place but I'm kind of scared of being left alone again, for the 3rd time. I may not like to admit it with some but Fox, Wolf and Fang were all very important to me and though, let's say Fox, we're kind of a jerk and manipulative, there were times he was kind and supportive and I just kind of felt at peace. In that moment everything was kind of alright. I felt that more often with Wolf and Fang, and while I don't think there will ever be a day that I no longer miss them no matter what happens, the feelings are no longer so intense. I kind of just want to stay in this mental place. It's kind of scary to think about because it took me so long to get over Wolf, partially because he was the first person I ever loved romantically, and I mean really truly loved. He was kind and sweet and while I still would like to be around him because he is kind and a voice of reason and I want to be able to support him, it's no longer romantic. I mean don't get me wrong, he's hot as fuck and I would not mind doing stuff with him, but the reason is no longer there and it'd truly be no strings attached. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't want that, that he wants to have some sort of connection but I also feel like that's just my mind being dumb and trying to trick me. I miss him, but not in the way I used to. That's good I think, for me and him, bc I recognize I was very possesive, clingy, and I got jealous at the slightest things and very easily. God its been so long since I wrote things out freely, without holding anything back.
