#abuse tactic

[furiousgoldfish]

abusers will go 'Did you ever think about how it felt for me? To abuse you? You only ever think about yourself!' and proceed like they didn't enjoy the shit out abusing you and are readying up to do it again

[roseapprentice]

so I haven’t 100% formed my opinions on adult/teen relationships, but I do want to note that if someone says it’s okay because you’re “mature for your age,” that’s a BIG abuse red flag.

when I was young I was SUPER “mature for my age,” but, like, that was because I was also super immature in other ways

if you’re young you’re going to be ahead some areas and behind in others and you’re always going to be both younger in spirit and older in spirit than your peers at the same time that’s just how it works in almost every case.

Now, in light of that, consider this general piece of advice: If someone expresses interest in you based on a you not seeming like what you are --

eg. “you don’t seem like a teenager” or “you don’t act like a girl/boy/enby” or “most people who love knitting are jerks, but you’re special, it’s almost like you don’t knit at all,”

-- then consider running hard in the opposite direction.

“You don’t seem like what you are and that’s awesome,” is not a compliment. It’s an insult, and a way of asserting power over your self-image.

just sayin’

[furiousgoldfish]

[furiousgoldfish]

it's all 'you wanted it, you wanted this' with the abusers until you want them to take accountability for their actions and apologize and stop doing it, then suddenly it's 'noo i'm shifting the blame to you' and they do it again, almost as if they never do anything just because you wanted it, and specifically do the things you don't want.

[furiousgoldfish]

Breadcrumbing is a behaviour associated with abuse, and it's done to victims who are already bonded to abusers and constantly torn between feeling ignored, desperate, worthless and small, and holding onto hope that things can be good again. It can happen in relationships, but also in family, friendships, marriages, anywhere victim is reliant on the abuser for attention and care.

When you've lived a life of chronic neglect, you are starved for attention, but you've already learned you will never get a lot of it, and you've learned that things will get worse if you ask for it, or demand for it. Abusers take advantage of this, and give you enough positive attention for you to bond with them, feel fulfilled and safe, and then they will stop giving you attention, and wait until you become completely starved, desperate and lost in what is the reality of the relationship. Then, they will give you a little bit. This tiny little bit, will feel like the entire world to you, because it will lift you up from your doubt, anxiety, self hate, desperation, and you will feel hopeful instead, that this little bit of attention means more than it is, that it's a sign that things will get good again, like they once were. The abuser then measures out just how far they can keep you around while giving you nothing, and when you reach your end, when you're breaking down from neglect and pain, they'll give you another crumb of attention to keep you hooked and bonded, to keep you living on empty hope instead of care and attention they implied you'd be having.

Breadcrumbing also serves as gaslighting, because it will make you question your reality. If you’ve been neglected and rendered invisible for a long while, you’ll start to see it, and doubt the relationship, and the person who is doing this to you. But, after they give you a bit of affection, or pay a bit of attention to you, you’re likely to dismiss all of your doubts and go ‘Oh it’s actually okay! I am getting attention! It’s going to be okay from now on! I was wrong to doubt them!’ and it will take a while before you can go back to your correct perception of this person. The abusive parents often do it after a kid has seen thru them, and they decide to leave - then the parents will suddenly act a bit nicer, do a nice gesture, give a little leeway to the kid, so they seem like ‘not that bad anymore’ so the kid questions themselves and their decision to leave. But it’s still only breadcrumbs, only a small, convenient act of manipulation after years and sometimes decades of abuse.

Breadcrumbing is often just that, abusers throwing what is easy and convenient your way. They don’t let you choose what you get, they don’t take consideration of your needs, they decide how much you’re worth to them, and it’s usually the smallest amount possible, and expect you to be grateful you got anything.

If you find yourself grateful for a little tiny bit of attention, if you find yourself bursting with relief that you weren't ignored once, that you got a small bit of someone's time, an acknowledgment, or a gift, know that this person is giving you breadcrumbs, and as relieved and thankful you feel for them, they're way, way below what you actually need and deserve. You've been trained to live on next to nothing, so that a tiny crumb would satisfy you and keep you attached. That is not humane. A person who cares for you doesn't wait until you're in starvation to offer you a bit of love. This is done for their benefit, so they'd have to invest minimum possible energy or attention on you, and keep you around, often doing way more for them in return. You deserve more than this, and you deserve better. It's okay to throw the breadcrumbs back into their face. You deserve every bit of attention and love that you give to others, and to not settle for anything below.

[furiousgoldfish]

shady ass person I don't know that well: You are so inspiring and kind! If everyone was like you, the world would be a better place! Your heart is like a home to those touched by it, I've never met anyone like you! I think you're special and so underrated! You're always put in tough situations but I believe in you! I'd give anything to have someone as good as you in my life! Do you believe in soulmates?

me, failing to clock the love-bombing: wow, finally this is love and I deserve this, it feels right and it's not suspicious at all. this person gets me. I just need to love myself some more and then it will totally not seem like too good to be true.

[kazik-bitch-ass-motherfucker]

Earlier this evening, I don’t know why, but I started to feel off emotionally. Kinda felt like bitter loneliness, idk. Well, I was trying to get away from that, then the dogs started barking because Mom was home. I was already feeling annoyed by their barking, specifically Piggly’s, and them bothering Mom made it a bit worse. Well, Mom had brought doughnuts home; good right? I certainly enjoyed one. And Berlitz jumped up on the counter to enjoy one too. I got him down and shooed him out of the kitchen, since a big dog doesn’t need to be jumping up on the counter to get human food, esp. not doughnuts with some covered in chocolate. Then, Mom gets a plain glazed doughnut, and gives it to him. I said, “You’re reinforcing that behavior.” and she said, “Well, he’s in a different room now, so I’m not.” Dogs are not that stupid, first of all, they do in fact have more memory than a goldfish. So, I, already feeling off, was upset; and I thought that it was clear that I wasn’t happy. Apparently not, but she kept making fun. So, I leave the situation, going into the living room. She says, “Well, I guess I’m just a sucky person.” I, in irritation, say, “Yeah, you are. And to not be, you gotta change, and not say things like that to make someone feel guilty.” Because, honestly? Saying, “I’m so horrible,” when you’ve made someone upset is an abuse tactic; it doesn’t make you abusive, you just happen to be using a tactic commonly used by abusive people; and it’s so that the upset person comforts the person who made them upset via compliments. And she says, “Guilt!? You want to talk to me about guilt!? What about you!? I do everything around here, cater to your every need! I don’t need this fucking bullshit!” First of all, almost every time I’ve asked, “Do you need help?” she’s said, “No, I got it.” Also, when she, once in a blue moon, does ask for help, I help if I can! Like if she says, “Can you help peel these potatoes?” I’ll be like, “Sure!” Also, Mom, I am disabled, and need to be told to do things. And you said you’ve been told to make me do chores, but you don’t make me do anything, you just do them yourself! Not once has she said, “Hey, could you do the dishes?” or, “Hey, could you take out the trash?” Not once. I need reminders to take the medication I’ve been on for years on time. She just has to say, “Hey, do the dishes.” and if I’m in the middle of something, I’ll either drop it or get to a stopping point and do them. All she has to do is remind me.

Sorry for the long rant, I just needed to get this off my chest...