#ace:question

[just-graysexual]

Any advice for feeling like an imposter in queer spaces? I'm grayace, but my passing privilege is so high, I feel like I don't really have a right to queer spaces.

Hi Anon,

Always remember, you are NOT an imposter. You are allowed to be in queer spaces, you are allowed to be welcomed in queer spaces, you are allowed to be active in queer spaces. Don’t fall for the “passing privilege” trap. You have a right to be in queer spaces if you want to be.

Like I said, don’t let the “passing privileges” scare you out of a place where you can feel comfortable and be yourself. That’s their M.O. They want to scare you, make you feel like you don’t belong, make you feel unsafe, make you feel like an imposter, make you feel unworthy, but you are not. Do not fall for their false rhetoric. Aces have become the new target for this. Aces are not the only ones hit with the “passing privilege” excuse. Bisexuals and pansexuals have all been targets of this negativity as well. It’s a tired tactic and it’s wrong.

Who you date, whatever gender you date, does not determine your orientations. You may be in a “heterosexual” relationship, but that does not mean it’s a reflection of your orientation. Dating someone does not change your orientation, remember that. Your orientation is the same regardless of your actions and who you are dating. You decide your orientation, not who you are dating. 

And don’t forget how you felt before you found out that you were grayace. You probably felt a little different from your peers. That difference is enough to make you queer. That difference is enough to make you be a part of queer spaces and participate in them. Don’t let the negativity bring you down. There are many queer spaces that are most welcoming towards aces, gray-aces, and acespec people. They will happily let you into queer spaces and let you participate. 

Don’t you worry, Anon. You are not an imposter, you never could. Never forget that you belong in queer spaces. You are different from other people. Who you date does not change that. You belong. If you feel safe enough to participate an be within a queer space, then you are more than welcome too. And don’t forget, you have your own Ace Community right here for you. If you ever need to talk feel free to message us anytime.

-Mod J.G.

[just-graysexual]

idk if this is the right blog to ask this but what would the opposite of graysexual (and other aspec identities like cupio and placio) be?

Hey Anon,

It’s totally cool to ask any question here. If I don’t have an answer I will do my best to guide you. So feel free to come anytime to ask any question.

That is an excellent question. Graysexual is not as concrete as other orientations because it’s an orientation stuck in the middle between opposite orientations. You have asexual which would be opposite of sexualities like heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, etc. And then there is just graysexual smack dab in the middle. Now, the graysexual spectrum does have orientations that are considered opposite of each other, like the one’s that you mentioned. 

You have opposites like:

Demisexual is considered the opposite of Fraysexual. 

Cupiosexual is considered the opposite of Akoisexual. 

Placiosexual is considered the opposite of Iamvanosexual.

Bellussexual is considered the opposite of Inactsexual.

And then you have orientations that don’t really have opposites and are sort of stand alone. It doesn’t mean that these orientations cannot have opposites, but maybe a term has not been coined yet. Because I am sure there are people who notice an orientation is the exact opposite of what they feel, but the label has not been discovered yet. You also have your -fluxes, your -spikes, and your       -slides for people who’s feelings and orientations fluctuate and change. 

As for graysexual, I would say since it’s more closely linked with asexuality, then non-ace orientations would be considered an opposite. I could possibly, maybe see, paragraysexual or pomosexual being close enough to be considered opposites of graysexual. That would be my best guess. It’s kind of really hard to say since graysexual is so board and has a lot to it. If it’s possible to feel one way, then it’s possible to feel the opposite way.

I hope that helps, Anon. It’s hard to say, but I would go with non-ace orientations and even paragraysexual and pomosexual as being opposites of graysexual. If you have any more questions, need any help, or need more clarification or better explaining of anything feel free to message us anytime.

-Mod J.G.

[just-graysexual]

I'm feeling so distressed :( I've been back and forth thinking I'm maybe ace and on the aro spectrum but other times I'm like no I'm just not hypersexual that's all but then i just. don't even think about sex like more than once a month and thinking about getting intimate with someone just feels really scary even though I'm 19... but it might be bc i feel like my body is gross and I have no self esteem which I'm working on... (1/2)

Hey Anon,

I apologize, but this is the only message I received. Tumblr must’ve eaten the part. I am so sorry you feel this way, but hang in there. Stay strong. Learning about yourself is not an easy thing to go through and it can be very stressful; especially with so many conflicting feelings, emotions, and thoughts. Just take a deep breath. You will get through this. Take it step-by-step.

Don’t stress too much about what ifs or what you could be. This can drive you crazy, however, it is something many aces and aros go through. It is very common for us to doubt ourself and questions our own orientations. It’s okay to have this back and forth battle with yourself, but don’t let the doubts distract you. A pretty good indicator that you might be ace and aro is the fact that you question if you really are ace/aro or allo-. Majority of the time, non-aces and non-aros do not have this internal struggle. Keep this in mind and take that as your first step. You don’t have to dive deeper into terms just at the moment. Give yourself some time to understand that it’s okay to have these thoughts an feelings, but overall if you have to question it odds are you are ace and aro.

It’s perfectly fine to be hypersexual and ace and aro. This does not have to take away or invalidate your ace and aro orientation. Just because you are hypersexual does not mean that you cannot be ace or aro. There are many aces and aros who are hypersexual. It is understandable that being hypersexual can make you question your ace or aro orientation that much more. It’s not easy having such conflicting feelings. Feel free to look into other hypersexual aces and ask around for some help.

It’s also okay if being intimate with someone scares you. This does not necessarily mean that you are ace or aro, but you can use it as a way to identify if you wish. You might have some sex aversion and romance aversion and that is perfectly fine. Many people ace, aro, non-ace, and non-aro can have different aversions. And don’t worry about your age. It does not matter what age you are, if you don’t care to be intimate with someone and if it scares that is fine; this can happen to anyone at any age. Your life experiences and feelings do not have to coincide with the projected image of what someone your age should be experiencing or feeling. You will probably be surprised at how many people your age feel the same way that you do.

It’s okay if your body feels gross. Many people don’t like their body’s or parts of their body’s. You are definitely not alone in this. And it’s not an easy thing to overcome. But I am glad to hear that you are working on yours self esteem and image. That’s good! Keep it up! You don’t have to like your body, but you should love yourself. Remember there is more to you than how you look and your orientations. You are a person with thoughts, feelings, and ideas. You are important to other people. You mean something to other people. People like you and love you because of you. Not your orientation or how you like. It’s you they like. And to the right people, it’s only you that matters. Never forget that. 

Remember, if you are questioning and wondering about these things odds are you might be ace and aro. Take that as a stepping block for now. Work on accepting this and squashing those other doubts. Give yourself some time. Many aces and aros doubt their orientations, including me, but deep down I know that I am different from non-ace people and that helps me accept my orientation. After that, then dig a little deeper into your feelings and attractions. This can help and you can explore more ace and aro orientations. Don’t let all the terms and orientations overwhelm you; there is a lot, but the more you learn about yourself the more things start to make sense.

Stay strong, Anon. Everything will fall into place eventually. Learning about yourself is like putting together a puzzle, you get to a point where it becomes really hard, you try different pieces to see if they fit, but eventually the right piece goes into the proper place. You will get there. Keep working on your image and self love; that’s important. Focus on that first and then continue working on your orientations. If you need any help, have any questions, or need to talk feel free to message us anytime.

[just-graysexual]

If you’ve only experienced sexual attraction once or twice, is it ok to call yourself asexual.

Hey Anon,

Of course! If you believe that you have not experienced sexual attraction that much, but are comfortable with the term asexual, then you can call yourself asexual.

In fact, asexual used to be an umbrella not only for people who don’t experience sexual attraction, but for people who experience it less than or different from their non-ace peers. That has not changed much since other orientations came about.

Even though we have more ace orientations that help better describe what fellow aces feel, many people still use asexual as a way to describe themselves and it’s perfectly okay. Even if you have experience sexual attraction once or twice or it’s been a long while since you have experience sexual attraction asexual is okay for you to use.

Have no worries, Anon. If you like the term asexual and you feel the orientation works best for you, then you can call yourself it. Always go with what makes you most comfort and works best for you. If you have any more questions or need to talk feel free to message us anytime.

-Mod J.G.

[just-graysexual]

I'm feeling very lonely when it comes to being Ace in my city. I haven't found anyone else that is Asexual like myself. I have a few ppl in my life that I told, they accept me, but they don't understand what it's like to be a 27 year old woman, single, asexual, wants a relationship, but is sex repulsed, and doesn't want kids.. Ever. I can't find anyone I relate to, or any man that's okay with it. I don't like discord chats but I just want ace friends who understand how hard this life is..

Hey Anon,

You hang in there. I promise you that you are not alone. I know that you feel lonely, but we are a growing community. You are never alone, we are all here for you, we understand you, we support you. Don’t forget your Ace Family. There are millions of us.

I know that it’s hard, trust me, but don’t let it get you down. There are so many people out there who feel the same way that you do. Explore your options and see what other places you can meet or even date other aces. Check out your local LGBTQ+ spaces as well. Many college campuses have LBGTQ Groups and Aces are totally welcome. 

We are growing. I am so amazed to see how far we have come from when I found the Asexual Community almost 10 years ago. We have overcome so  many strides. We got more ace representation and famous aces than ever. And in time, we will grow even bigger. The more we grow the more the rest of the world will accept and understand us.

And remember, there is more to you than your orientation. You are more than just asexual. You are a person with talents, gifts, ideas, and qualities that so many people love and appreciate. People like you for you and not your orientation. To the right people, your orientation does not matter, you matter. It’s you people like, not your orientation. 

Don’t let your worries and fears hold you back. Go out and live your life. You will one day find someone who loves and appreciates you and will form a beautiful relationship with. But sometimes, these things happen when we are not looking for it. So, go out and live your life. Have fun, hang out with family and friends, and do what you love. And never doubt for one moment that you are not loved, appreciated, or respected. Because you are. 

Stay strong, Anon. Hang in there. I know that the world can make you feel lonely, but don’t forget that millions of people are here for you. Your fellow Aces are here for you and millions of others outside the Ace Community are here for you. We a growing strong group. You can never be alone. Don’t let these negative thoughts bring you down. Think about all the amazing things to come and don't stress over what might not happen. We are here for you. Sending you much love and hugs. Everything will be okay, I promise. If you ever need to talk feel free to message us anytime.

-Mod J.G. 

[just-graysexual]

So, I’ve always had issues figuring out my sexuality. I thought aegosexual pretty much fit, but lately on LGBT+ Amino people have been saying that aegosexuality is due to something like internalized homophobia (which I’m far from), past trauma or something else along those lines. Is that true? It upsets me that people might think I’m homophobic because I’m sexually attracted to someone but the idea of having sex makes me uncomfortable and I want to refrain from engaging.

Hey Anon,

Don’t let negative comments get you down or scare you into identifying with a label that might work for you. It almost feels like any new orientation someone label’s themselves now a days as has the potential to be homophobic/internalized homophobia; it’s become the standard defense against many orientations. But, you know yourself and you know that you are not homophobic. Those are not your intentions and you are not trying to do anything to hurt anyone, you are trying to find answers and words to help you describe yourself. There is nothing wrong with that.

There are many people who identify with several ace orientations because of past trauma or abuse, but you can still identify as acespec if you never experienced these things. If you connected to an orientation and you feel that orientation works for you, then go for it! There are even specific orientations reserved for people who have been abused or have faced past trauma and, as far as I am aware, aegosexual is not really one of them. 

It’s perfectly fine to be sexually attracted to someone, but the thought of sex or having sex makes you uncomfortable and you rather not participate. Many people experience this. You are 100% not alone. Many people can relate and understand to what you are going through. Remember attraction is not action. You can still experience attraction, but not like all the things that come with that attraction. Just because you feel attraction does not mean that you have to like it.

If you feel aegosexual works for you, if you connected with it, if you feel it describes you well, then go for it! It’s your orientation and it’s yours to label. No one else’s. And feel free to check out the blog @aegosexual-moments. They are a great blog! If you feel like talking to them feel free to send them a message too.

Have no fear, Anon. Don’t let negative things prevent you from being you. You know yourself. You know who you are. Don’t let social media get you down. You said it yourself, you feel that aegosexual pretty much fit. Go with that. Go wth your feelings. Trust yourself. Trust your feelings. There is a reason aegosexual feels right to you. It’s perfectly fine for you to identify as aegosexual if you feel it works for you. You are not being internally homophobic and you don’t need to experience any past trauma or abuse to relate to it or label yourself as aegosexual. If you ever need to talk or have any other questions feel free to message us anytime.

-Mod J.G.

[just-graysexual]

I’m not sure where to ask this question, so I’m hoping maybe you could help me. I’m ace, but I’ve been trying to place my other attractions. I’ve realized that I am attracted (non sexually of course) to people who present themselves in a masculine/male way regardless of their gender, orientation, or identity. What sort of orientation would that be considered? How would I verbally describe this kind of attraction?

Hi Anon,

It is perfectly cool to ask any question here. We are always happy to help and provide to support for people with any orientation and attraction-like questions. Don’t ever be afraid to ask any question. 

That’s awesome that you are working on your other attractions! It’s not easy, but keep at it! You will get through it. You sound like you have an amazing understanding already! That is awesome. It’s not easy getting to know yourself, so much props to you there.

There are actually many people who feel the same way that you do. Many people feel an attraction to masculinity, males, or people (regardless of gender) who present themselves in a masculine way. I would suggest you check out masexual/romatnic or minsexual/romantic.

Masexual/romantic: is where you are attracted towards men or males.

Minsexual/romantic: is when you are attracted to masculinity.

These two orientations sound closest to what you described. Look around and check them out. See what you can find. Try them out if you like. It never hurts to try out a label to see if it could fit you.

You are doing great, Anon! Take your time with everything. It’s your orientation, so feel free to identify however you wish. If you need any help, have any more questions, or need to talk feel free to message us anytime.

-Mod J.G.