Idk how to explain it and maybe it’s an autism thing or maybe an aroacespec thing or both, idk, but trying to flirt feels inherently insincere to me???
Like, complimenting someone I’m attracted to in whatever way naturally comes to mind doesn’t feel insincere, quite the opposite, although I feel a bit awkward being so bold, it feels good and not *wrong* in spite of said awkwardness- (for example, watching a show with someone I’m dating and I happen to look over at them and feel a little bit in awe and out of the blue go “oh, you’re absolutely beautiful” and run my fingers through their hair adoringly while snuggling in closer to them… Things such as these I very much enjoy, and they feel natural on some level). But, at least, in my perception of what *deliberate* flirting is, it feels very put on and like a social performance in a way that is frankly off putting and mildly-to-very uncomfortable for me.
I’m not sure why it bothers me so much, but it does, I don’t like doing it or being on the receiving end either (although I won’t deny it feels good for my ego, briefly anyway). Maybe it has to do with the fact that it’s strategic, and dare I say it, even slightly manipulative (I don’t mean manipulative with the negative connotation typically associated with it here, at least not necessarily). I know it’s not *all* flirting, of course, but when I think of “generic flirting” I think of grand but empty words and gestures, hyperbolic compliments (but not hyperbolic enough that it cannot be mistaken for a genuine statement), using body language and double entendres and otherwise making someone read between the lines (rather than being direct about what you want), etc- particularly within earlier stages of a romantic, sexual or otherwise non strictly platonic relationship. I don’t understand the appeal of this, and it just feels stressful and even hurtful to me. I don’t like being left to guess if someone really feels as strongly as they’re saying or if they’re just putting on a show, saying empty words and deliberately changing their body language, expressions, voice, etc as an attempt to draw me in emotionally, while knowing they’re not being fully authentic.
Maybe it’s just the autism but if I say “you are sincerely one of the most stunning people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, I think every day about how lucky I am to know and be with you, and feeling our bodies intertwined is a genuinely divine experience” I mean every bit of that very literally, no hyperbole, no hidden agenda. If I’m saying that to you, I wholeheartedly think you are one of the most beautiful people that I’ve ever known, I really do actively think about how lucky I am to know you and be with you *every single day* and cherish this, and I truly view physical acts of affection with you as something holy, an experience I hold with reverence. Is that corny? Don’t know, maybe, but I think corny authenticity is less corny than being disingenuous and beating around the bush at what yin actually mean.
I really have no desire- or for that matter, patience- left for inauthentic relationships. I want to know what you’re really thinking and how you really feel, I don’t see how intimacy can occur otherwise.
