#actually cotards

[phantom-heartbeat]

Does anyone with Cs/WCS wanna chat about it?

Does it feel like you're more of a zombie? A vampire? Something else?

Does it fluctuate or stay the same every episode?

What conditions do you have influence it and how (if any)?

What are the main and rare physical sensations?

What are tricks that help you? How did you find what works and what doesn't?

What makes it worse?

I'll start.

I often feel a mix of creatures, undead or generally nonhuman. But primarily zombie, vampire, siren or some sort of living dead thing that either isn't supposed to be on land or function like a living human.

It fluctuates a lot every episode, more often than not when I don't realize it is an episode i feel cybernetic or robotic, I'm only starting to recognize that as my more common episodes now. The more subtle ones at least.

My anemia, arthritis and other physical disabilities I have all effect it, but having DID means it can change and present differently based on who's fronting too.

My anemia makes me cold as a corpse most days, low blood circulation and pale complexion in top of being a walking icicle has made me a target for vampire comments growing up, my need for iron often feels like a thirst for blood. It can also feel like a hunger for flesh especially if I haven't eaten or slept properly when you take my Ed and insomnia into count.

The aches caused by my arthritis and chronic pain are more often than not soothed by water, making me feel like I need to go back to the ocean or sea to get out of this human skin and feel better and more free where my body is better suited. I often find myself violently scratching at my skin either because of eczema or something else which only contributes to the idea

That list goes on for a while

The main sensations are completely weighted like my body is just actual dead weight, heavy limbs and all, manual breathing switches on and my joints and limbs ache like they're going to fall off or are sore from being locked rigor mortis or because they're currently in rigor mortis. I'm not sure how to explain it but I'll also feel as if organs are missing.

There's also rarely ever feeling hunger and if I do it's cravings, not the sweet tooth kind, same with the need for other bodily functions.

Some rare feelings are a drill going through my head, not in the headache sense, my heart briefly stopping, things crawling on or under my skin, electricity running through my body and my teeth changing.

Tricks that sometimes help me are eating something, a snack or a meal just help me remember the body still needs it, checking for my pulse though it can be a hit or miss if the episode is really bad, and something cold like ice to shock my senses into resetting and waking up.

I found out most of them through anxiety attacks or times I felt really sick, I just kept using them because they seemed to help. There was a bit of trial and error, I found people reassuring me I'm alive and basically reality checking me doesn't help at all just makes me uncomfortable to be around them at worst and in one ear out the other at best. Often when someone tries giving me reassurance my brain treats it as a bold faced lie.

Mentally my depression and trauma or triggers all make the episodes worse, especially if I have trouble finding my pulse on my neck out of panic, or times I just can't taste things or my senses feel off. But overall times I feel sick are when my brain starts getting convinced I'm on my deathbed any second now or the body has finally given up.

I'm happy to answer any questions

What's it like for you?

[affectionatecorpse]

Does anyone else who's ever had a near death experience just... sit up and think about it sometimes?

Thinking about how much you've been through despite the odds?

Wondering if you really had died, and this is your life flashing before your eyes, as something that's already happened, playing as a distant memory?

Or do you wonder if you aren't alive fully, living as a zombie or a ghost, without even realising it?

I think about it sometimes. A lot, actually. Every time that scar on my head itches, or aches. It's something I don't talk about a lot, not with other people. I don't know why. I feel almost ashamed of it. I guess because I'm unsure if I was supposed to survive? So now if I do anything the slightest bit wrong, my brain resorts to saying I'm wasting my chance at survival.

I don't talk about it much. But I kinda want to. If you don't like gorey details, stop reading now.

It happened when I was just a kid. I think I was about 7 or 8. I remember because that same year, I got a dog, and considered 8 to be my lucky number because of it.

Things were just so... normal. Too normal, I'd argue. I was at my dad's house, 500 miles from home. Usually my dad would pay attention to me for the first few hours, but once the luxury wore off, he'd tell me to go and entertain myself while he went to play Skyrim, or a Sonic game.

I'd spend all day by myself, getting yelled at by my dad if I bothered him, and getting yelled at by my grandparents if I bothered them while they were watching Only Fools and Horses. This was just my normal. It sounds like a tragedy, but it wasn't. This was routine.

It was night time. My nan was cooking in the kitchen, my grandad was yelling at the football game on TV, and my dad was upstairs on his computer. I was so, so bored. I sat by the window and wished, just wished they'd pay attention to me. I wished to end my boredom, to end the neglect, and feel like my family cared for me.

After this wish, I got spooked by a hallucination. I've suffered from psychosis my whole life. This was part of my normal. But this vision was something else entirely. I could feel it. A cold, dead hand, leaving the shadows, clawing into my chest, trying to grab my heart.

I screamed and ran like any rational kid would. I was 8, of course I did. I ran. I tripped. Dyspraxia is my curse. I had caught my foot on the rug, and fallen.

And smashed my head on the solid, cold, stone wall.

It wasn't cold for long. I remember that pain, that agonising pain, so well. The hotness of my blood coating my face, and the wall, and the floor, and my favourite butterfly shirt. It was gushing everywhere. I could feel myself getting dizzier. I could barely hear my nan's screaming, my ears were ringing so loud. Everything was muffled and dead, like they weren't talking at all, just murmuring like in their sleep. My vision was blurred and colourless, like the brightness and joy had been sucked out of the world.

Yet I felt absolutely nothing. I felt the agonising pain, but that was it. I felt no fear, nor sadness. I just felt tired. Like I'd just woken up from a nap. Time felt like a thick jelly. I can't remember much else, because I'd lost too much blood by that point. But I got my wish.

I woke up a few days later. At least I think I did. I can't remember if I'd woken up at all before then. This was just where my memories picked up. I remember trying to look for my mother, and being met with tension all down my head. Not pain, but numbness, and tension, like my hair was pulled back into a too tight ponytail.

Somehow even then, I didn't know if I was alive or not. I never figured that out. Even when I got older.

My skull had received massive damage. It had cracked. The nurse told me they superglued it back together, but once I got older, I figured I had a minor surgery. My head had to be sewn back together, from the top down to the back. The scar is still there. I feel it sometimes when I'm thinking. Sometimes if I poke it wrong, I get dizzy. It aches and itches constantly. It won't let me forget it's there.

I should've died. I've heard that ever since. People either told me I was lucky, or that they wished I hadn't survived, depending on context. My parents have said both at some point. It's the only thing they really have in common.

I don't know if I love or hate it. I laugh at calling it a lobotomy with my friends. I sob into my pillow about why I had to endure it. I sit motionless in the shower, staring at the wall, wondering if it was my wish that had caused this. Or if my hallucination was my warning.

[phantom-heartbeat]

So when will my body stop sending pain signals

I know it's falling apart I'm just waiting for it to be over

[sweetashe]

currently walking in town, fucking up the city. And let’s just say…walking corpse syndrome 🤫🤫