AU: Nigar Finds Her Daughter
For @faintingheroine - and everyone else that wishes for our best girl to have at least somewhat happy ending.
They said Gördes has many ruins – a wonder for the goatherders tending to their flocks in the mountains around the city, but a rather obvious fact for someone as educated as Nigar, considering the city was an ancient one. Nonetheless, it was one thing to silently laugh at these remarks from the poor seamen manning the ship she was traveling on, and quite another not to be impressed by the countless remnants of an era Nigar has so far only read about. Istanbul, while ancient, still wasn’t that old. And she needed to do some sightseeing first, because that seemed to be the best way to calm her nerves. After all, she couldn’t allow her daughter to see her as a nervous wreck. Nigar’s Greek was a little dusty since she left sultan’s harem (after all, most Greeks of Istanbul spoke Turkish just fine, and there were little to none far east in Diyarbekir), but she could manage. She got the directions to Nicolaos efendi’s house from a girl she found by the local well. He actually lived fairly close to the port, since as the girl said, he was a tradesman, who transported the goods from the port to the towns and villages all around the province. The girl also said Nigar got very lucky, since this was one of the few times the man was home. With a heart threatening to jump out of her chest, Nigar turned to Nicolaos‘ house and silently prayed like she has never prayed before. It seemed a miracle was about to happen. The door to Nicolaos‘ house was opened by a very thin woman in white dress with colourful embroidery, so typical of the women from the area. „Good evening. Is Nicolaos efendi home?“ she asked. Woman raised her eyebrows. „Who are you?“ „That’s hard to... Eh... Explain. His brother. He knows me.“ „My husband has no brother.“ „Ah, just... Tell Nicolaos efendi Nigar hanim is here. He’ll know.“ With a suspicious look on his face, the women returned to the house. When she came back, she seemed even less friendly than before. „He doesn’t know any Nigar hanim.“ Nigar had to try very hard to compose herself. „He forgot me. Maybe. I’m Esmanur’s mother.“ „Who is Esmanur?!“ „A girl lives with you. Your husband takes care of her...“ Nigar thanked God for his mercy, as the woman finally seemed to have understood. „How old is that Esmanur of yours, exactly?“ „About seven years old.“ „Ah! That would be our Theodora. Anyway, wait a minute, please.“ And with that, she left, but the door stayed open. Soon, Nicolaos efendi appeared in the door. Nigar had to try very hard to compose herself; the man was truly the spitting image of his brother, just as Matrakçi told her. „Good evening.“ she said in Turkish, voice still shaking. „My name is Nigar, and I used to... Know your brother. I was told my daughter lives with you, is that true?“ Luckily, the man was fluent. „Well... Probably. If you are who I think you are, that is. Either way, come in. We can talk this over coffee.“ It was a modest house for a tradesman, with bare white walls and simple, barely decorated wooden furniture. Still, Nicolaos‘ family did have a servant girl (even if it was probably just the one), so they had to live at least somewhat comfortably. In the hallway, Nigar saw two boys playing hide-and-seek, one still a toddler, the other one barely older. „My sons.“ said Nicolaos, while leading her to the kitchen. Nigar smiled. „They’re adorable. Do you have any other children?“ „No, not really. A daughter of my relatives lives with us, since she has no other family – poor child. So she’s yours, you say?“ He suddenly hushed his voice. „Does that mean, that you are... You know... That woman Theo told me he loved?“ „Theo is what he was called before they took him?“ asked Nigar equally silently. Nicolaos led her to a room, where he sat her at a small, shabby table. „Yes. My... My brother.“ She heard his voice shake a little. Nicolaos‘ servant girl came almost immediately, and Nicolaos ordered her to make coffee. Then he turned to Nigar. „I’ve always wondered what you looked like. What kind of woman could make my brother turn his back on a sultana, even if it was just for a time?“ „Are you dissapointed, efendi?“ asked Nigar mockingly. „Truth be told, I don’t want to talk much about pasha – may Allah have mercy on his soul. He won’t come back from the grave, but me and my daughter are still here, though without her I might as well have been dead all those years we have been separated...“ „Why didn’t you seek her out sooner, then?“ „Efendi, believe me when I say that if I could, I would’ve, but I was forbidden from doing so by circumstance and people far more powerful than you can even imagine.“ Nicolaos didn’t answer right away, instead he spent about half a minute thinking. „Alright, then. I guess there’s no reason to keep her away from you. If you could wait here, just a second...“ He went out only for a moment, before she heard a loud „Theodora!“, the sound of a running child, and some Greek that she didn’t completely understand. Her hands started shaking and her sight went blurry with tears. It’s been so long... They probably won’t recognize each other. She made her peace with that on her way there, although it still made her feel like her throat was refusing to work. But when she walked in there, alive and so, so beautiful, Nigar couldn’t help herself. She immediately ran to her and took her in her arms, before Esmanur could do anything. Startled girl fidgeted in her arms, and when Nigar tried to kiss her cheeks, she flinched. „Uncle, is that her?“ she asked in Greek. „My mum?“ „Yes, dear.“ Esmanur looked at her in disbelief, and Nigar’s heart broke. „Really?“ „Yes! Sweetie, it’s me, your mother, and...“ Nicolaos gently cut her away. „She can’t speak Turkish.“ Nigar looked back at her daughter, now with the same shock and disbelief Esmanur had on her face. Esmahan seemed disappointed. „My mum is a Turk?“ „Yes... No... Ah, it’s complicated.“ said Nigar, still shaken. „I am from Istanbul, everyone there speaks Turkish.“ „Because aunt Eirene doesn’t like Turks. She always says they are greedy, vain and whatnot.“ „Aunt Eirene says a lot of things.“ interjected Nicolaos. „Especially when someone makes her angry. But she doesn’t always mean that, does she?“ Nigar, meanwhile, awkwardly put the girl down. She thought she braced herself for this kind of response, and worse, but it was quite another thing to have at least some of her fears to come true. „So... They call you Theodora, I’m told?“ she said, swallowing the urge to cry. „We never expected Thea’s mother to come back for her. Nasuh efendi didn’t tell us much, besides the fact that your husband wouldn’t allow the girl to live with you. I just... Assumed I might have to take care of her permanently.“ said Nicolaos defensively, almost offended. Nigar couldn’t hold back tears anymore. „Per... Perhaps you’re right. I didn’t know if I’d ever see again either, back then.“ Esmanur was confused. „What are you talking about? You know I can’t speak Turkish, right? Mum, why are you crying?“ She bent towards the little girl again. „Because I love you. And I missed you.“ Her poor Greek really wasn’t sufficient to explain all of the other emotions she felt, but a seven-year old probably didn’t need an explanation more elaborate than that anyway. After a moment of silence, the maidservant appeared with the coffee. Nicolaos efendi shot a pointed look towards her. „So? What now?“ Nigar’s voice was hushed. „Can I get a moment alone with her, before we get to discuss any... Plans for the future?“ Nicolaos‘ face suddenly gained a cheeky expression. „Well, I do have a couple of truly splendid mules in my stables. Thea, sweetie, would you be so kind and show them to Nigar hanim?“
Unsurprisigly, the girl wasn’t too enthusiastic about the animals, but then, Nigar wasn’t either. They only stayed there for a short while, before Nicolaos efendi sent a maidservant with the message that the coffee is getting cooler by the minute – but Nigar was thankful for every second. She was relieved to learn that Esmahan’s guardians took good care of her. Nicolaos was truly like a father to her, and although Esmahan wasn’t as close to Eirene, his wife, she didn’t experience any unkindness from her, either. The girl herself was a cheerful, somewhat mischievious child, obviously thriving under the care of her uncle and aunt. Nigar’s joy was, however, tampered by the knowledge that this goes directly against her plans for the future. When she returned to Nicolaos efendi and his coffee, he sent the girl away. „Did you come all the way just to see your daughter?“ he asked. Here it comes... „No, of course not. I do plan on taking her home.“ „She is home, Nigar hanim.“ He sounded so impatient... „I suppose that depends on your definition of home, but either way, I am her mother, and it’s only right that she should live with me.“ Nicolaos raised his eyebrows. „Are you sure about that, Nigar hanim? After all, I am her family too, and she barely knows you. Besides, it is hard for a woman to be alone in this world – let alone with a child that depends on her.“ „Rüstem pasha will take care of me, as it is the custom for former husbands and wives.“ said Nigar in a raised voice. „And as for her not knowing me – well, that is none of my fault, efendi! We’ve been separated by fortune, and fortune is now bringing us together. Please, don’t stand in its way.“ Nicolaos glowered at her. „You want what is best for Thea, don’t you?“ „How can I not? She is my child; of course I would never...“ „Then how do you not see what you are doing to her?! We are the only family she ever knew, Nigar hanim! You are going to break her heart...“ „And what of my heart, efendi?! Do you think I am not going to love her, do you think I won’t be a family to her?! She’s still young, she still has time to get used to me and the life in Istanbul! Besides, it’s not just mother’s love that compells me, but duty.“ She didn’t want to pull out this one. She didn’t want to play dirty. But threatened with losing her daughter once again, she got desperate, and the words just poured from her like blood from a cut vein. „You named her Theodora, is that true? Why didn’t you let her keep the name her father gave her?“ „It was safer.“ said Nicolaos with obvious uneasiness. „We didn’t want her to keep any reminders of her father, since Nasuh efendi warned us about his enemies and the possibility they might find her...“ „Is that the whole truth, efendi? Were there no other reason whatsoever?“ „Well, this town is also mostly Greek, and we wanted her to feel like part of the community.“ „Ah! She must’ve felt especially welcome after you had her baptised, as Nasuh efendi told me.“ Nicolaos‘ face went pale. „As I’ve said... We only wanted her to feel welcome.“ Nigar’s resolve only wavered for a second, before she went for the throat. „Is that so? Well, Şahhuban Sultan will surely understand.“ „What does she have to do with this?!“ „I am her... Well, it would probably be a little presumptuous to call myself her friend, but a client, certainly. Either way, she would never allow for the child of late great Ibrahim pasha to grow up as an infidel, and I am not keen on this prospect either.“ Nicolaos‘ horrified expression gave a rather strong blow to her resolve, but then she thought about the alternative. There was no way for both of them to walk out of this conversation satisfied. It was him or her, and when faced with every other such dilema, she never hesitated to pick herself. „Eirene was right.“ he said, voice shaking with a mix of shock and anger. „Damn you Turks. Damn you all. And I don’t care what you say – you are a Turk, just like the lot of them. You are a Turk, just like our boys become them, when they are taken from us, then taught your godforsaken language and religion, and come back with swords and pistols and bloody hands...“ „That was quite enough, efendi.“ Nigar said, raising her voice once again. She then drank her coffee in one gulp. „Now, would you be so kind as to call Esmanur back?“
Esmanur’s reaction to learning she has to leave her home forever almost made Nigar go back on everything she promised herself. She could not stand to see her beloved child cry, or plead with her father, or curl up to a ball under her bed, from which her sobs echoed throughout the house for several heartbreaking hours. But then, Nigar had thought of everything. She knew the girl wouldn’t take it well, she even had this entire plan about how to soften the blow of her daughter losing everything and everyone she ever knew... She should probably do the smart thing and put it in practice. After all, she couldn’t just leave without Esmanur. „The girl obviously isn’t ready to leave.“ she said to Nicolaos efendi. „But I do have some money. I can stay for a few days, untill Esmanur... Adjusts to the situation.“ „You are a fool if you think a few days would be enough...“ „I don’t need her to be happy with it, that is certainly impossible. But maybe I can make her understand, even like me a little...“ Nigar was a master on making lost young girls accept their unfortunate fate and new home. For years, it was one of the most important aspects of her job. And while she has never been so emotionally invested in them (besides the fact that most of them were teenagers rather than little kids), she would be lying if she said there was never any pity or sympathy on her part before. After all, she knew very well what it’s like to be in their place. First, on her visit in the morning next day, she acted uncertain in front of the girl, giving her a faint hope – though she never promised anything – that maybe she didn’t need to leave if she really, really didn’t want to... Instead, Nigar asked Nicolaos efendi for her daughter to be excused from all chores for her entire stay, and took the girl for a walk around the time, asking her to point out the notable spots in town – the church, the inn, the wells, the like. When the girl wistfully noted she never had the opportunity to see the fortress of Acrocorinth in the hills around town from up close, since Nicolaos and Eirene never had the time or interest, Nigar made a spur-of-the-moment decision to make her dream come true. It was quite a long trip – about two hours just to get there – and at times she had to carry Esmanur on her shoulders, but as Nigar expected, it improved their relationship greatly. She let the girl talk her ears off with her little child complaints and observations, enjoying every little detail she learned about her. To her delight, Esmanur gradually perked up, and when they finally reached Acrocorith, she was downright extatic, wondering at the sheer size of the fortress. Nigar herself wasn’t this happy for years. Once they came back to town, they stopped at the inn where Nigar was staying, because she wanted to give the girl a gift she bought her in Istanbul – a cloth doll in little pink dress. Esmanur did own some toys, a small wooden wagon and a crudely made figure of a coachman, also made out of wood – but no actual dolls. That’s why Nigar’s gift made the girl so happy she, for the first time in her life, hugged her mother. The next day, they had a lunch together at the inn, and then went to the beach, where Nigar watched Esmanur play with local children and answered all of her questions as best as she could. She told her she and her father were very much in love, but her father already had a wife, so when Nigar got pregnant, he found her a husband, so that he could be Esmanur’s father instead. But her new husband was a treacherous, evil man. He conspired with the enemies of Esmanur’s father in order to get Esmanur’s father killed, so he can have his power and riches – by the way, Esmanur’s father was rich and powerful... Either way, Esmanur’s father died tragically, and since she couldn’t live with this evil man, she was sent to live with her uncle, given a new name and hidden from her father’s powerful enemies. To a seven-year old, even this overly simplified version of events was quite a lot to process, but it seemed she didn’t regard it as anything more than an exciting tale and, thankfully, an adequate explanation for her mother’s absence. The question of name and religion turned out to be a bit harder – although Nigar told Esmanur her father was a muslim, and wanted her to be raised as such, in the five years without him, the girl naturally grew much more attached to Jesus than her dead father (which frankly was more of a testament to her disinterest in Ibrahim than to her interest in religion). In the end, Nigar was at least able to make her daughter accept the name Esmanur, but had to outright lie to her regarding her religion, promising her to not force islam on her. And maybe it wasn’t a lie at all; Nigar had no intention of forcing anything on her daughter, she would simply raise her into a muslim, as naturally as a tadpole grows into a frog. The third day was the hardest; the day after that, Nigar planned on leaving, and she had to dash the hope she fostered in Esmanur. „It should be you who tells her we are going home.“ she told Nicolaos efendi. „You are almost a father to her; she will listen to you far more easily than to me.“ Nicolaos, however, didn’t take it very well. „You force me to give her up, and now you want me to explaint it to her?! No. If anything, that’s your duty, not mine. You go and face her tears – after all, you are the one who caused them, not me.“ Late in the morning, Nigar found Esmanur by the well, playing with the neighbourhood children. She stood by the well and called her daughter to her side, nervously squeezing the hem of her cloak. „Yes, mum?“ said Esmanur, eyes bright and curious. „Sweetie, there is something I must tell you.“ She dropped to Esmanur‘s level, gazing into her eyes intensely. „We had fun together, hadn’t we?“ Esmanur excitedly nodded her head. „Do you think I can be your mother now? Not just for now, but forever?“ „But... You are my mum...“ „What kind of mother would I be, if I just left you here and never came back?“ „You can’t come back?“ „Once I leave? No, sadly, that’s not possible. Istanbul is too far away, and I don’t have the money to visit you often.“ „But... I don’t want to go to Istanbul! Why do I have to leave aunt and uncle? Muuum...“ Esmanur was on the verge of tears. Nigar took her in her arms. „Esmanur, my beautiful daughter, don’t cry! I am sorry I wasn’t there for you for all these years, but now I am going to make it up to you! And one day, I promise, if you behave yourself, your uncle will come to you...“ Esmanur blinked sharply. „You... You promise?“ „Yes...“ After a short, pause, Esmanur petulantly said. „I still don’t want to go to Istanbul!“ „You can’t stay here! Your uncle wants you to be with your mother too!“ This obviously hurt the girl. „Uncle Nicolaos doesn’t want me anymore?!“ „No! Of course he would be glad if you could stay with him, but you can’t! He knows you’ll be better off living with your mother.“ „But why?!“ „Because she loves you more than anyone ever could.“ After a minute of awkward silence, Esmanur seemed somewhat sheepish. „I don’t love you.“ „Look, I understand that. You can’t remember how I sang you to sleep, how I nursed you when you were sick, how I bought you treats and would do, anything, everything for you... You were just too small when they tore you away from me. But... We can still go back. I will teach you to read and write. I will show you the greatest city on Earth, and let you meet princes and princesses. And I will love you, I will love you so much, like noone ever could... That I promise you.“ Intentionally tearing her own heart apart, she reminded herself of the moments they spent together when Esmanur was little, of all the of the times her daughter was forcibly taken from her, and of a life she would lead if she left this place without her little girl. And at this most opportune of times, she started to cry. Esmanur hugged her, moved by both her tears and words, and whispered in her ear. „Mommy... Mommy, don’t cry... I’ll go to Istanbul with you...“ Nigar gently took her head in her hands and kissed her forehead. She then wrapped her arms around her and stayed that way for a while, untill she was able to stop crying and take the girl back to Nicolaos efendi’s house.
Nonetheless, when the time came to say goodbye to the people that loved and raised her so far, Esmanur was unable to stop crying. At the very least, she didn’t protest anymore, instead clinging to her mother for dear life as she carried her to a boat heading for Istanbul. On board, she was clearly miserable, and she even asked Nigar once whether they can’t go back. But it was too late. Despite all of her guilt, not even Nigar herself could return her to Nicolaos efendi. It was probably for the best, too, because she has never seen a child this unhappy in her entire life, and if she had the slightest option to go back on her word, she undoubtedly would. After securing a room in an inn, Nigar’s first order of business was to visit Şah Sultan – the last person she could rely on with the exception of Nasuh Efendi, and perhaps some old friends from the palace she couldn’t find these days anyway. A lot of palace women had quite a bit to thank her to – and some of them would surely remember to be thankful, if she was ever fortunate enough to meet them again (however unlikely that was). She fostered some close friendships in Diyarbekir, too, although that was naturally far away and the last thing she wanted was to drag her child into such a remote province – besides, such a long way would probably cost her the rest of her remaining money. So calculating, she went before Şah Sultan holding her daughter’s hand. Şah seemed surprised, but not delighted or displeased by this surprise. „Nigar! I haven’t expected you to come back so soon. And... Is this Ibrahim pasha’s daughter?“ „Yes, your majesty. Her name is Esmanur.“ She gave the girl a pointed look, at which she made a clumsy bow. This made Şah smile with delight. „What a beautiful girl! Indeed, she looks just like her mother. How old is she?“ „Five, milady.“ Şah sighed. „She was born the very year my mother, the great Ayşe Hafsa died. That year brought us such misfortune... Hopefully, Allah hadn’t let us suffer trough all of that in vain, and your daughter will bring us at least some joy. I assume you were going ask me to help you and Esmanur, correct?“ „Yes, milady. You know I would not bother you with such things if I had any other option, but sadly, there isn’t much I can do on my own.“ „Why did you put the burden of taking care of this girl on your shoulders, if you yourself had nowhere to go? Where did she live so far, anyway?“ „Majesty, it is true that in some ways, my daughter was well taken care of, but you must know I had thought about her wellbeing as well as mine when I took her from her foster parents. You see, they had her baptised, and raised as a christian.“ Şah pursed her lips together. „Well, I suppose it is indeed better that she lives with you, then. Do you or your daughter need anything?“ „No, milady, we get by for now. Me and my daughter came merely to visit, so you majesty knows we are in Istanbul, and if my services or company were needed, you would be able to call upon me.“ Şah suddenly took a wistful gaze upon the little girl. „Esmanur, my child. Was your journey long?“ Esmanur turned a confused look towards her mother. „She grew up in a Greek town, she hasn’t learn Turkish yet.“ explained Nigar. „Hopefully, her mother will teach her.“ noted Şah bitterly. „Do you have anyone in the city, someone who could help me contact you?“ „Matrakçi Nasuh efendi, milady. I plan to pay him a visit after we part.“ Şah nodded with her typical satisfied smile. „Alright, then. I must thank you for bringing a semblance of good news to this palace. Celebrations of that unfortunate wedding are upon us, starting tomorrow – have you heard?“ „People on the street can talk of nothing else. May it be a consolation to you that some are just as displeased with the news as you.“ „People on the street don’t appoint pashas, so it is in fact no consolation to me, Nigar hatun. Especially since Rüstem was named into divan recently.“ „I have heard of that as well, and it hardly surprises me. If our padişah was willing to marry his only daughter to him, he must favor him... For whatever reason.“ She made sure her last word contained just the right hint of disapproval that was noticeable, but couldn’t be perceived as disrespectful. This made Şah smile. „Indeed. For whatever reason.“ Her attention then shifted back to the girl, and she suddenly seemed somewhat dissappointed. „She looks just like you.“ „I too wished there was more of late Ibrahim pasha in her, but alas. Hopefully Huricihan and Osman resemble their father, at least.“ „Sadly, they didn’t have much luck in that department, either.“ She suddenly saw Esmanur fidgeting. „What is going on, child?“ She turned back to Nigar. „Could you ask her?“ „I think she has simply been standing for too long. Perhaps it is a sign that we should go...“ Şah hesitated only for a moment, before she told her with a smile. „Don’t worry, she can sit here.“ She pointed to the end of the left arm of the divan, relatively close to where she was sitting at the moment, but not to the point of insubordination. „And you... You tell me more about your daughter, Nigar hatun.“
