Don’t think about gwyn and azriel singing to their little baby with the shadows watching over them. Don’t think about it don’t think about it don’t THINK ABOUT JT
Prompt: “I’m sorry... I can see how much this is hurting you. I wish I could remember.” / One of them loses their memory and the other one differs because of it.
Notes: Written for the lovely @fiery-feyre who was one of three winners of my 100 Follower Giveaway. This prompt... Katie, you monster. It had me reeling and franticly texting @darlingfireheart about which one should forget the other. I did this the way I did for two reasons which I will list at the end of the fic. So stay tuned and enjoy! 🌿
Word Count: 3,191 (this got real long, real fast)
Masterlist
For once in her life, Nesta Archeron was happy.
Her days in the mortal realm were full of hungry bellies and aching bones. She watched her sisters starve with no power in her fists or money in her pocket. When she came to the Night Court she was broken, shattered seemingly beyond repair. It took her what seemed like forever after she was drowned in that gods damned Cauldron to step her foot into a bathing tub or listen to the crackle of a fire without the memory of her lungs full of water or the snap of bones.
She watched Elain heal with her new gifts and find her place in this court. She watched Feyre fall head first in her role as High Lady with her mate at her side. Yet, Nesta had still trembled at the sound of choking water or the spit of the fire.
But she had gotten through it.
With Cassian.
With her mate.
She felt the bond tug at her fingertips the first moment she laid eyes on him. Back when she had no idea what the mating bond was, Nesta chalked it up to be her nerves. Just her nerves firing at a rapid, heart-racing pace. But she could not explain the limerent allure towards the Illyrian warrior who was just as infernal as she was.
She did not want a mate.
Nesta Archeron hated the idea of not belonging to solely herself. She did not want someone to love her because some magical chain told them to do so. Nesta was her own person, her own being, and she did not want to be bound to someone for eternity. Or maybe she was just scared of it… too scared of hands bruising her skin and ripping her dress. She was a coward.
They danced around each other for years. Years and years of wasted time.
She watched, flopping like a damned fish on the floor, as her mate’s wings were shredded before her eyes. The first thing her newly made senses picked up was the blood of her mate spilling across the floors of Hybern. Nesta sat out his door for weeks as the healer straightened out each and every tiny bone, repairing the singed and delicate flesh of his glorious wings.
Those months at the Illyrian war camp, she grew strong and knowingly avoided him every possible moment. Yet he was persistent. Cassian had gifted her a deep ruby siphon to control the raging storm inside her. It worked and she finally felt safe inside her own bones.
It wasn’t until years later when Cassian finally realized what their bond meant. It was not just a fleeting connection or a limerent desire. The bond was thriving between them when he confronted her… on his knees with tears streaming down his face.
They had mated under the stars. Nearly four years ago, now. Four years of healing and the bliss of love. Nesta had climbed atop him and kissed him breathless every night since their mating. I’ll never leave you, Nesta. I’ll never leave you, I promise.
Nesta remembered the first bath she had endured after Hybern, her body pressed against his and his hands holding her like he would never let her go. Breathe, sweetheart. Just hold on to me and breathe. She was barely in the water, just enough to hear it slosh against the sides of the tub as she quietly whimpered, Cassian held her strong and whispered into her ear. Each time it had gotten better. It had gotten to the point where she could bathe herself without the calming of her mate. And despite herself, some part of Nesta still hated the idea of being dependant of someone. But Cauldron be damned, she needed it. She needed him.
And that was the one thing she was so frightened of in the beginning, the dependency, the need to be around him every waking moment. Yet, she was so in love it hurt her to think of that time where she had castaway her mate. She regretted those years without him… they could have had so much longer.
The happiness Nesta Archeron had felt at the beginning of the day was quickly extinguished when she felt pure and unwavering terror scorch across the mating bond. Horror… and then nothing. That ever-present bond was completely quiet and utterly empty.
For the first time in a long time, she pulled her hand down the mating bond and felt only void.
She had fallen to the ground, her eyes wide, her breath stuck in her lungs. Mor ran to her side with a hand on her back.
“What’s wrong?” Mor demanded, her voice urgent and caring.
“It’s Cassian.” Nesta said quietly and winnowed a heartbeat later to the Illyrian camp. She took in the snow and rustling wind, but did not feel it on her skin.
Males and females alike dodged a bloodthirsty mate wreaking havoc as she stormed through the camp. Children were pulled into the sky by their superiors, warriors shut the doors to their homes and she even got a hiss or two as she let her power roll off her fingertips in search of her mate.
She found him. Unconscious, lying face down in the snow with blood trickling from a wound on his head. Nesta had ran to him faster than her feet had every carried her. Her eyes searched around in a hungry stupor, her teeth bared, her power like smoke trickling from her palms in a fit of rage.
Nesta heard the subtle slash of steel through air behind her. She whirled around, her hands up to blast the perpetrator. She caught Devlon’s eyes in her own and misted him before he could move another muscle.
The snow grew pink.
“Cass,” a voice boomed, frantic. Nesta turned, a hiss on her tongue and ready to mist another deceitful Illyrian, to see Rhys, Azriel, and Morrigan running to their friend. Nesta exhaled, and looked back to her bleeding mate in the snow. She moved his body, cradling the injured and bashed head so it could rest gently against her. Her mate. Her mate. The mate she loved more than she loved herself.
Cassian was unconscious for three days.
His eyes were shut as if he was only asleep. Peaceful. Resting. Nesta was promised he would wake up, but every single moment he was asleep his odds worsened. She listened to the snarls of the fire and drowned them out with the slight noise of Cassian’s breath. It was the only thing tethering her to this moment, the here and now.
“Nesta,”
Her head snapped up from where she had taken residence in a chair close to her mate, guarding him like a fearful dog. Her sister stood before her with pitiful eyes. “Don’t look at me like that.” she hissed.
“You’ve been here for three days. Please, come walk with me. And you need to eat something.”
“I don’t want to leave him.” Nesta sniffled, her voice coming out quieter than she liked.
Feyre sighed, putting a hand to Nesta’s shoulder. “He’d want you to eat something, Nesta.”
“You talk about him like he’s already dead.”
Feyre looked away. “He’s going to wake up. Cassian is too fucking stubborn to leave you behind.”
“He is, isn’t he?” She giggled rather sadly.
Feyre brought her some bread and stew, which she ate in silence as she watched her mate slumber. The bond was almost almost nonexistant. The only thing Nesta could feel was his heartbeat in her ears and in her soul. She felt the helplessness then. The feeling of drowning, the water burning her lungs and the current dragging her down.
He’d tell her to breathe. To listen to what is around her. Focus on that, not the water, not the fear, not the Cauldron. Just breathe, sweetheart. Listen to me. Focus.
Nesta almost could feel him beside her as he enveloped her body in his. You are safe. You are loved. Cassian’s warmth, his scent that felt like home. She’d give anything for him to wake up. Anything.
She pulled on the mating bond once more and it was just… empty. Like he never existed to be on the other side of the tether.
Nesta found herself wishing that they had mated sooner, then they would have had so much more moons and beautiful Starfalls to watch together. “I’m so sorry, Cass.” Nesta whispered into the frigid air as she took his hand in her own. “When you wake up, we’ll get out of the court for a while just like you always wanted. You’ll take a break from commanding the restless bats and I will make time only for you.” She took a deep breath, letting her shoulders droop. “We’ll have all the time in the world, Cass. Just you and me.” Nesta leaned down to press her lips to his hand.
“That sounds... lovely,” his voice was hoarse and gravelly, deeper than it usually was. She watched as his eyes sluggishly flickered open and his hand squeezed her own.
“Cassian!” Nesta exclaimed as she leaned over him, a hand to his neck and kisses pressed to his forehead.
He cleared his throat. “Quite the greeting, love, but--”
“You rutting asshole.” She slapped his arm.
“Ouch.”
“I asked you not to go to the camps, and look.” Nesta gestured to his head, even though he clearly couldn’t look at his own skull. “You’ve gotten yourself hurt with the fucking coup. And I wasn’t there to have your back. It was a matter of time with Devlon, he was upset about the role the females had in the camps. I guess he finally got sick of you. Gods, this could have been so much worse.” She leaned down to kiss him on his lips, a soft peck. “I’m so glad you’re awake, Cass.”
A full out blush splattered her mate’s cheeks. “I--”
“What’s wrong? Does it hurt?” Nesta looked at the wrapped wound on the side of his head. She stroked a hand down the alarmingly quiet bond, searching and pulling for what made her mate so uneasy.
He gasped. Her mate gasped, a shutter raking his body.
“Cassian--” she blinked.
“I-- do I know you?” Cassian conceded.
Nesta’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Cass, that’s not funny. Not in the slightest.”
“I’m sorry, I think you’re looking for someone else. I don’t know you. But--”
Nesta backed away from him, her hands trembling and her head shaking. No, no, no, no, no.
Cassian sat up slowly, testing his body. “Where’s Rhys, Azriel?”
She covered her agape mouth with her hand. She was trapped. Trapped in this unrelenting nightmare where her mate forgot who she was. This was worse than death. This was more painful than her lungs full of burning water. Nesta’s fears were coming true.
“Please, wait.” Cassian yelled as she rushed out of the cabin to breathe in the freezing air. He tried and failed to stand, his legs were just too weak.
Maybe Nesta would just wake up. She’d open her eyes with Cassian next to her and all would be well in the world. She wouldn’t have to live through this terror, greater than anything she’s ever faced. It was just a nightmare, wasn’t it?
Wasn’t it?
She heard the beat of wings above her as and Feyre, Rhysand, and Azriel touched down in unison. With one look from Feyre, she was in her sister’s arms. “Nesta, please tell me what happened. Is he alright?”
“He’s fine… It just seems that he’s forgotten me.”
Feyre just stared at her, Rhysand and Azriel doing the same. “He’s awake?”
Nesta nodded. “Feyre, he doesn’t know who I am. I don’t know if I can take this.” Her voice wavered, moving into a quiet whisper.
“Maybe it’s just temporary, it could come back.” said Rhys, looking between Nesta and the doors to the cabin Cassian was in.
Feyre put a hand around Nesta’s waist and they walked back in together. He was sitting up in his bed, his hand on his head and a scowl on his face. Cassian looked up from where he sat to take in his brothers before him. “Rhysand.” He looked speechless. “Rhys, you’re here. You’re home.” Rhysand looked shocked. Cassian-- he still thought he was Under the Mountain. “What’s going on?” His eyes scanned over Feyre and Nesta.
Rhysand kneeled and took his brother’s hand, turning to Azriel. “Send for Madja. Quickly.” Three words to have the shadowsinger disappear into the black of the cabin. “Cassian do you know where you are?”
“One of the cabins in the camps?”
“Yes.”
“Do you know what year it is?”
“I-- I don’t know. You were still Under the Mountain, Rhys. You got out?” Cassian sighed. “When I’m better I’m going to kick your ass for that. Cauldron, Rhys. Why did you do it?” He looked heartbroken.
Rhys only put a saddened look on his face and continued his interrogation. “Do you know who these people are in the room?”
“I’ve known you since we were kids, Rhys. But--” His eyes scanned to Nesta and Feyre, stopping to stare at Nesta’s tear-streaked face. Under the scrutiny of his gaze, she wiped her eyes and stared back. He blinked. “I don’t know who these females are.”
No, no, no. Gods, no.
“She smells like… she’s your mate.” Cassian said decidedly, his nose tasting the air towards Feyre. “Rhys, you have a mate?” Cassian’s eyes widened in happiness for his brother.
Rhys nodded grimly. “And so do you.”
“I-- I do?”
Feyre squeezed Nesta’s side. “Nesta, are you alright? Do you want to leave?”
“Nesta,” Cassian said, testing the name on his tongue as if for the first time. It tore her heart into pieces.
Breathe, sweetheart. Listen to me. Listen. “No.” she said. “I want you to leave. Please. I would like to talk to him until the healer comes.”
They did so quickly, leaving Nesta alone with Cassian. “I have a mate.” he beamed to himself. “You’re so, breathtakingly beautiful.”
“I know.” she said simply.
Nesta Archeron had almost lost Cassian three times in her life. The first being the healing process of his wings. Weeks of him in and out of consciousness, weeks of him half alive and scaring her to death.
The second, was in the battle of Hybern. Cassian was cut down, Nesta by his side ready to die. Ready to take Hybern’s sword because if one of them had to go, they’d go together. They would die next to each other and go into whatever was waiting after this life hand in hand. They’d do it together.
And the third was these excruciating three days. Healers in and out, new dressings for his wound, the agony of thinking he may never wake up. It scared the living hell out of her. And this… this was beyond any terror her mind could ever conjure. This was worse.
“You were injured, Cass. There was a coup at the camps, and Devlon tried to kill you.”
Cassian hissed, bearing his teeth like he had to impress her, protect her. They were way beyond that and Nesta faintly smiled. “I always hated that male. Where is he?”
“I misted him.”
“You-- oh.” He was reconsidering everything he’d judged about the female in front of him. “That’s... Impressive.”
A few moments died between them.
Her mind was reeling. “I met you seven years ago.” Seven years of memories. Seven years of love just gone in a moment.
“Seven.” he repeated. “My mind has pushed out seven years?”
“More than that if you account for when Rhysand was Under the Mountain.”
Cassian looked at her, studying. Calculating. “And we’re mated.” He searched within himself, feeling and pulling at the bond between them like he was seeing it for the first time. She guessed, he was seeing it for the first time. “How long?”
“Four years.”
“Cauldron.” His voice broke. “How can I not remember you?”
That was it. She couldn’t take this anymore. She couldn’t sit here with her mate whom she loved so fiercely and have him look at her with nothing in his heart. Nothing. No recollection. No love. How did she think this was going to go? She’d just remind him of how much she loved him and all would be well? She’d snap her fingers and he’d be better?
Nesta stood up, angry tears sliding down her cheeks. “I ca-can’t do this, Cass. This is too hard.” She turned for the door, her arm reaching out when she felt his hand curl around her wrist and keep her from running out. No, no, no, no.
“Nesta, wait.” he pleaded.
She pulled from his grip. “No!” she backed away. Nesta put a hand to her throat, breathing, gasping for breath. She sputtered and coughed, feeling phantom water rushing through her throat, looking to the fireplace and hearing the snap of her mate’s wings as she lay sodden on the tiles of Hybern. “Don’t touch me. Don’t--”
“I’m sorry… I see how much this is hurting you. I wish I could remember.” Cassian choked out. “I wish I could remember you.”
“You told me you’d never leave me. You promised.” Nesta coughed, trying to tell her lungs that they belonged to her, not the other way around. “When this happens you tell me to breathe, to listen to your voice, to hold on to you.” She was sobbing now. “You promised you’d never leave and you did. You’re gone, Cassian, you’re gone!” The storm inside her could not be contained. The crimson siphon hanging between her breasts groaned under the pressure of her power.
“I’m right here!”
“But you’re not!” Nesta shrilled. “Maybe this is punishment for not wanting this, Cass.” she laughed to herself. “The mother paired us together and I didn’t want a mate. I didn’t want someone to belong to… I thought it would be a ball and chain, Cass. I took you for granted. Maybe it was just a matter of time that I lost you.”
The cabin was moaning. The fire was crackling at an alarming rate. The windows shook with the force of Nesta’s power.
Cassian tested his aching legs and moved towards her. And suddenly, she was in his arms and nothing else mattered. He felt the bond between them. He felt the tether, an open and pulsing thing at his fingertips as he held his mate in his arms for the first time he could remember. She was sobbing into his chest.
Cassian crushed her to his body and she gripped him back with equal force. She looked into his eyes and saw every time she had almost lost him. And maybe she had for good this time.
Cassian leaned into his mate as he whispered, his lips close to her ear and his hands swept over her back. “Sweetheart.”
Notes: I did it this way for two reasons. The first being that Cassian has always made his opinions and feelings of Nesta very known. He’s always been smitten with her (as Aly said). So if it was her who loses her memory, it would just be me regurgitating anxious fluff about how much he loves her and how much he wants her to remember him. It seemed like the easy way out.
The second reason rests solely on the fact that Nesta Archeron is so fucking complex it kills me. She is painfully, infuriatingly hard to write since her actions and thoughts are usually well concealed inside her head. She guards everything she holds dear so fiercely and I thought that her mate forgetting her would break her heart. The way she would react would be... unpredictable which gave me some leeway here.
It eventually came down to the easy way, or the hard way... and guess which one I chose. I hope I wrote Nesta right and the 3,000 words you just read wasn’t a heaping pile of garbage.
Oh, and one more thing: “Sweetheart.” Did he remember? Did he not? That’s up to you, my dear reader. 🌿
Sarah J Maas is known for her breathtaking fantasy series that are equal parts thrilling, romantic, and imaginative. Both of her series feature dynamic fae and exceptional royalty. You cannot mistake the similarities in her worlds for a simplicity in her storylines. On the contrary, both series contain distinct characters, magic, and worlds that shift from book to book as the plot demands. I often find myself in Maas withdrawals after her book releases, so here are some books that may pique your interest.
Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo: Much like Maas, Bardugo has a dynamic crew who team up and defeat a more economically and magically endowed group. In this high fantasy world, there is only one misfit crew who can pull off the heist of a lifetime saving themselves and their world in the process. It’s impossible not to love this unexpected novel.
Kiss of Deception by Mary E. Pearson: One princess runs away from her arranged marriage and her claim to the throne. Little does she know, she walks into her destiny after having acquired the skills and support she needed to rule. Her path is surprisingly similar to one queen’s hidden background in Throne of Glass and another’s refusal to accept a bargain in ACTAR. The heartwrenching knowledge the reader makes for a compelling read.
Discount Armageddon by Seanan McGuire: Now this book is not YA, nor is it high fantasy, but if you love Maas’s quippy, steamy, or fighty scenes then I promise you will not be disappointed. The series follows three siblings in a family of cryptozoologists. In other words, they are the group of humans advocating for the study and understanding of the hidden world of monsters. This urban fantasy has a great crew of characters, incredible fight scenes, and interesting world building fit for a lover of Maas.
Cinder by Marissa Meyer: Another book series that began as a cinderella retelling and ended in far more fight scenes, romantic parings, and royalty disputes. Here, one Cyborg mechanic finds her place in the lunar lineage after a chance encounter with the prince. Of course, both books branched out from their beginnings and became wonderfully rich series that can make anyone swoon.
Graceling by Kristin Cashore: This book is a classic high fantasy series for a reason. The book asks what would you do if you had a talent or grace for killing? If you love underestimated assassins, out of place rulers, and interesting relationship dynamics, you will love watching three separate heroines move through the same world in a unified attempt to better the people they serve.
Obviously, none of these authors can completely fill the hole in your heart left by Sarah J. Maas’s book withdrawal. If you do end up reading one of these books, I guarantee you will feel just a tiny bit better. Happy Reading!
