Something that I’ve been struggling with lately is expectations. Expectations that I seem to have when it comes to loved ones. I’ve never believed that I’m an easy-going person, but with that I have also believed that I don’t expect too much from people either.
So, here’s the deal; my wife left me a few months back because of my alcoholism, obnoxious behavior, my abusive nature to anyone and everything – mostly her etc. I know what most of you are thinking, I deserve it – she should have left a long time before she did. Well, guess what, I agree too. She is a wonderful human being who does not deserve any of my bullshit (sorry, lack of a better word). We were supposed to move house together and she decided to pack up and move, leaving me having to move to another house – all this happened securely because I wouldn’t return from the bar until 2130hrs on a good day – so let’s just say she had the full day to do her thing. I was very angry, upset and betrayed – selfish poor old me – when this happened, and I didn’t hesitate to let her know how I felt about the whole thing; in a tone that was rude, obnoxious, threatening and abusive. The only thought on my mind up until I got to rehab was, “how do I get back at her, and how do I do it so that it emotionally, mentally and, tragically, physically break her spirit”. And shamelessly I did just that, by continuing/ resuming cheating on her and making it obvious to her of what was going on. The poor woman just wanted me to sober up and start living a normal uneventful life again, so that we could just be human.
Once I got conned into going to rehab – so I thought at the time – I initially had the same recurring thoughts on how I would plan my next move against this poor lady. Eventually, after the booze dried up in my head and I got some perspective once I started using the part of my brain that was still left without the alcohol poisoning, I started feeling guilty, shameful and I was missing her. So now I’m in a dilemma, the woman who trusted me with her life and future, who I had systematically broken, so that she wouldn’t come in between me and my addiction, I love her and I don’t know what to do about it; because I can’t undo my past actions, and how would she ever believe me again, that I am not that ‘bad’ asshole. I did volunteer for some marriage counseling, one way I guess, and the only response that I got from those sessions was that I had to forgive myself for the past, as that was not me (alcoholism and addiction do appear as a dual-disorder), and that I would have to, for the first time in my life (sad, I know), face the consequences – whatever they might be. A bit disappointed, as I expected them to have a harry potter wand of some sort, I did have to make peace with that, which did take me some time.
Once I got out of rehab, with a new sense of enthusiasm and spirit, I set about making amends, like I should be doing, with the near and dear ones who have tolerated me for all these years. Whenever it came to my wife, I would push it for the next day, and then the next – the reality is that I was terrified, I still am mind you. I am terrified, or was, because for the first time in my adult life I had to deal with a very real situation, emotional, without a substance to numb them. I did finally get the courage from God, as I understand him, to make that call, and before you know it we were in a coffee shop talking. She explained to me the amount of hurt and grief I have caused her over all these years and that I have led us to be in a pathetic situation, that no human being should be in, ever! I had denied her happiness, joy, children, peace of mind and security – which are all standard spec. for the institution called marriage, so nothing over the top. I noticed that during our conversation she was looking very differently at me, almost as though she was looking at a different person, for the first time. I cherished that moment, to say the very least.
So, the addict in me, my addictive thinking, started and I was planning the next steps. So I’ve spoken to her today, she agreed to meet me, for the next few weeks ill speak to her daily, meet her a few times, she will see that I’m changing or I’m a changed person, in a few months everything will be sorted out…. Pathetic! It doesn’t work that way, silly. For everything I have done to her, I am a very lucky man that she even met me that day, or the fact that she responds to my WhatsApp messages or has even taken the effort to research on alcoholism and read the AA ‘big book’.
On a closing note, I am glad that I have the understanding today, that I need to give her space and that things may never reach normalcy, but that is the consequence for my actions and I must live with the fact that the only woman I have ever loved, I systematically and successfully drove her away. However, I am grateful that I had the courage to make that first call, the fact that we keep in touch and that she is a respectful and lovely human being. “I hope your sobriety lasts forever” – words that my love said to me a couple of days back, which keeps me hopeful, positive, determined and inspired – just as she was the inspiration to get with the program in rehab, and the fact that she has given me a second life, which I will never be able to repay that debt. I have no right to expectations!
