• this post was super big, so i included a “read more” link here. go ahead and continue to the post below! •
i was today years old when i finally realized why i lied so much as a kid. (before anyone judges this, pls let me preface by saying that 99.9% of the time, i only ever lied to my parents!!) i’m going to do my best here to shorten the long train of thoughts that came with this discovery… but basically, any time i lied to them, it was because the truth about that situation wasn’t valid or didn’t make sense to them- essentially i was always lying about things to my parents because for them, the truth wasn’t an acceptable answer.
— for more explanation on this, here’s a good personal example (in the form of a very long story): throughout my school years, from elementary to middle to high school, i’d always get in trouble for hiding my grades from my parents and lying about how i was doing in class/ if i did my homework. i’d be so ashamed of my executive dysfunction meltdowns that for most of my life growing up, i really did believe that i was just ‘being lazy’- because that’s what the whole world was telling me. it took me years to realize that normal people don’t have to sit through hours of crying and brain paralysis to complete simple tasks. but anyways, i’d lie left and right about school, saying stuff like “oh yeah i handed in that homework on time” when in reality the homework had been lost for a week after it was due,, or i’d say the teacher “forgot to put these grades in” when mom asked why i had so many missing assignments- the truth was that i hadn’t done them at all. but looking back, now i finally know why i felt the need to lie all the time- it was because when mom and dad asked me “why didn’t you do this simple thing?”, i couldn’t tell them the truth… because if i did, they’d never ever get it. if i answered them honestly and said “i didn’t do it because i forgot the assignment ever even existed”, or “i planned out a way too creative way to do the thing and then got too overwhelmed to finish”, or “i had every intention of doing the work, but the second i ran into something i couldn’t understand i froze for hours and couldn’t function enough to complete it”, or “i tried so hard to mentally push myself past executive dysfunction, but it didn’t work and i couldn’t get myself to start the thing even after trying so hard to start doing it that i made myself sick from crying”, or “i couldn’t figure out what things to prioritize and that task fell to the bottom of my list and i forgot to do it for an unreasonable amount of time”— these are all the real reasons behind why i didn’t do my work or didn’t hand in a paper or never started a project; all of which were due months before i got caught in the web of lies i’d woven to keep myself from the pain of knowing i was disappointing people (as well as the pain of “wasting all my potential”!!). it makes sense now why i lied so often & over such small things: because what parent would ever believe what the truth really was as being a real, valid reason to not do all these seemingly easy, manageable, everyday tasks? i love my mom and dad to death, but even my own kind and wonderful parents laugh at the idea of accepting these honest explanations as valid. all in all though? lying is actually extremely typical in adhd kids, as a.) lying about something to make it look good keeps us from feeling extreme pain when people are disappointed in us; and b.) our truths will never make sense to the real world, so when you’re an adhd kid who just wants to feel like things are okay, you lie so that it makes sense to people who just don’t get it.
• to wrap it up: this was very long, i’m so sorry!! still, i hope this helps somebody out there who might be blaming themselves- like i’ve done all my life- for being a liar and feeling pathetic for it.
NOTE: if you’re a parent and this lying situation is sounding pretty familiar, i’m no doctor, but i would really recommend doing some research on adhd to see if it might explain this + any other unusual behavior in the child/children you have who might seem like they’re always lying about small things. this post is something i’d always wished my parents knew or understood because as a kid, i felt so horrible with every lie i told them! we don’t lie for fun.
Can we talk about how severe ADHD can absolutely DESTROY your executive functioning? Like...I know what chores I should do and help out with. I can see it. But I don't SEE it, you know?
And as soon as I say "I'll do it in a minute" ha haha hahaha. Good luck chuck.
But it also affects friendships and relationships. I'll be so busy hyperfocusing on another interest (or coping poorly if I'm upset) that I neglect to spend time with those I care about! But I KNOW I should be spending more time with them. But it just goes down the tubes.
So if you know someone with ADHD or suspect that they have it, please be patient! Also actually have a conversation about how you'd like more of their help or time. Because trust me they may not truly connect the dots. OR even if they KNOW, we don't have the Good Chemicals to act on it and are stuck in dysfunction hell.
