#adonis yaps

[npd-confessions]

Doing my own confession for once. I hate being a narc and an artist sometimes holy shit. I'm trying to improve my anatomy work by doing studies and every tutorial I watch makes me want to sob because mine isn't professional grade off the bat or looks all that good.

[adonis-is-gay]

I LOOK AT FIH TOMORROW

[npd-confessions]

whats a narc high / crash ?

A narcissistic high is induced by receiving a lot of supply (praise, attention, etc.) or being in a period where your self confidence is at an all time high, it's euphoric and makes (at least in my case) you feel like a god. You feel better than everyone, sometimes it can border into delusional beliefs and complexes as I've read for some. You have more energy, you're more susceptible to being reckless, impulsive, and confident, more susceptible to delusions of grandeur and superiority.

However highs have their crashes because we can never have anything good. Crashes are basically when there's a lack of supply or an event causes a load of shame. It forces you to essentially confront the idea that you're not as amazing as you think you are, it forces you to look at your unstable identity and internalized shame. It usually features symptoms such as intense depression, stress, major self-loathing, and dread.

Both can last hours, days, weeks, even months. A crash can happen suddenly or be a slow build. What triggers highs and crashes change depending on the person.

[npd-confessions]

Another confession of mine: I hate when people expect me to be grateful for objectively bad gifts. I hate clothing gifts, my interests have changed, I got a shirt pertaining to an old interest of mine and hiking and I hate both of those things now, literally one of the worst options I could've been given. My parents both got $50 gift cards from her while I got a fucking shirt. So no, I'm not gonna be grateful for every piece of trash I'm given. I'm better than that shit, I deserve the money that I can spend on shit I actually want. I don't care about the thought that's put into it when I'm just gonna throw it in the donation box. Normalize not shaming people for hating gifts or being disappointed in them istg

[npd-confessions]

out of curiosity, is it okay to use the term narcissistic to describe someone? I know it’s not right to call someone a narcissist unless they actually do have npd, but doesn’t everyone have narcissistic traits?

I mean. Personally I wouldn't. There's like infinitely better terms to use. Yes, everyone has narcissistic traits, to be human is to be somewhat narcissistic, however calling someone narcissistic is kinda just inherently linked to a preconceived notion of a bad person which just adds to the stigma of NPD in general.

It's one thing for like a professional psychologist to make a professional observation to say, this person (or character) exhibits narcissistic traits, it's another to use it in casual speak or to describe someone when you're not a professional. If you're not a psychologist or have NPD I prefer to leave it on the high shelf until society as a whole knows that narcissists aren't inherently bad.

Narcissistic traits and any variation of the word has bad connotations no matter how you phrase it and people will get an idea based on NPD stereotypes, so generally I avoid it. Unless it's being used by professionals, I always side eye others who use it to describe a character (exception for those with npd headcannoning characters n stuff), person, etc. since I assume they'll mean it as an insult or they're thinking of what's essentially a caricature of the disorder.

Some alternative terms to use for certain traits of narcissism:

Egotistical

Egomaniacal

Self-absorbed

Self-centered

Vain

Entitled

Egoist

Has a fragile ego

Apathetic

But at the end of the day, you can use it if you really want, I'm not gonna be able to stop you nor is it worth my time. This is all just my 2 cents. I personally wouldn't, but you're a person so you can come to your own conclusions based on what I've said.

[npd-confessions]

hey so i've been seeing a lot of stuff about psychologists talking about npd on your blog in like the past day, and i just wanna know how y'all differentiate the ableist ones and the okay ones without digging through their whole account, since that's kinda hard for me sometimes. also, any recommendations on the good ones and the ones to avoid?

Red flags

Makes generalizing statements ("this is how all narcissists are")

Buy into narc abuse (usually there'll be at least 1 video about it)

Using pop psychology terms

They don't seem professional or composed like how a psychologist or therapist would be

Clickbaity titles or thumbnails about narcissists

Literally anything along the lines of "narcissists don't want you to know this"

Green flags

Talking about npd from a clinical perspective without the demonization

Not super clickbaity titles or thumbnails

Don't have videos on narcissistic abuse on first glance

Generally well put together and professional

Actually explain narcissism and it's effects

Note there are people who talk about their experiences with NPD. The main thing to look out for is them saying stuff like "I don't feel emotions" or playing hard into stereotypes.

Creators to avoid:

Psych2Go - generalizes things, not a good resource, spreads misinformation

Dr. Daniel Fox - has videos about identifying narcissists and like "red flags" of narcissism which is almost always buying into narc abuse or demonization. Also just has some really demonizing title and language

DosctorRamani - narc abuse believer, similar to fox, she demonizes NPD a lot

Jimmy on Relationships - not a professional, demonizes npd half the time

UnderstandingNarcissism - unlike their name, they do not believe in understanding narcissism, they believe in isolating us and believe in narc abuse and all that

HealthyGamerGG - He's praised on the narc abuse subreddit so I immediately assume he's just bad, someone can correct me on this

Okay to watch creators (click names for link):

HEAL NPD- actually good resource who doesn't demonize and comes from a compassionate angle towards those struggling with NPD and wants to destigmatize it

Early Morning Barking - a guy's personal struggles, journey, and tips for NPD and BPD, not a professional, but I've heard he's helpful

Psychology In Seattle - psychologist who's worked with NPD before, he's pretty decent at talking about the underlying reasoning and feelings

I unfortunately don't know many other actually good creators, but those three are decent

[npd-confessions]

Advice on portraying npd HEALTHY friendships/relationships (what the relationship might look like and how both peiple with and without npd should/shouldnt act)?

Ough okay this is a complicated ask and a long answer so be prepared. This is very subjective and may change between pwNPD.

But I would like to say first, we're not saints. PwNPD pretty much all believe that we're not inherently abusive and I fully agree with that sentiment. We're not all abusive because of our disorder. That said, we still have the higher capacity to hurt others and can have problematic behaviors. Due to lack of empathy and egocentrism, we can hurt people without meaning to.

And I want to say within media, it's fine to portray us with problematic behaviors and being harmful, I'd say it's more true to how we can be. What's less okay is making the entire personality of the character being a narcissist and that means they're inherently cruel and incapable of change.

We're still human, we're not an other. We have interests, personality traits, hobbies, etc. outside of just being a narcissist. Please for the love of the gods, do not portray us as 1-dimensional caricatures of the stereotypes of NPD. Me as a person, I love collecting figurines and bones, I like drawing, I like cookie run kingdom, I'm a Hellenist. I have a personal moral code, I like intelligent debates, I'm pretty patient and easy-going. But I'm also flawed in ways outside of my NPD, I can be impulsive, struggle with hygiene sometimes, leave messes and forget about them, I'm easily annoyed over some things, I sometimes resort to pettiness when I'm upset, I can be rude when it's not really warranted. I have traits outside of just being a narcissist though a lot of my behaviors can be influenced by it. We're still human, just with a different way of processing the world and thinking of others.

More under the cut ↓

Within healthy relationships and friendships with narcissists, I've found the key aspects come down to understanding, solid boundaries, communication, patience, and respect.

-> Understanding: You need to understand that we don't function how normal people do, we function on a level where we think about ourselves, we view things through a lens that we're at the top and everyone is below, there also has to be the understanding that some of our actions will be self-serving, they'll be meant to uphold image, they'll be meant to be protective over ourselves. NPD is trauma-caused, we can suffer immensely and struggle holding solid relationships and that can drive behaviors. Having an understanding that sometimes we will be hurtful without meaning to is a start. BUT and it's a big but, understanding why someone did something does not mean you have to allow it to continue or be okay with it.

-> Solid boundaries: you don't have to accept harmful behaviors or excuse them, in fact it's way worse to do that. If you feel hurt by something someone did, regardless of disorder, it was still an action they took, you have a right to say that wasn't okay. Calling someone out on their shit is something that's helped me a lot in friendships, they're able to articulate what I did wrong and why they don't like it, able to set a solid boundary that I can keep in mind. I still do actions that can be harmful or cause tension driven by ego and self-centeredness that my friends will call me out on and won't let continue. You shouldn't let your own comfort be compromised and excused by someone's disorder and behaviors. At the end of the day we are responsible for our actions and the consequences of them, we're not excused from having boundaries set because we struggle with them. Setting boundaries with us is incredibly important because most with NPD that I know can struggle with boundaries.

-> Communication: like I said, I have friends who call me out when I do something wrong. They're able to articulate why it was problematic and why they didn't like it. As long as I don't repeatedly violate it over and over and it's a one time thing, they're more willing to move on from it. Also as long as it's not something huge like... Being a legit Nazi or something. Like there are limits lol. For the most part we're able to talk, agree, admit wrongdoing, and move on. We're able to talk like mature adults and handle issues without dragging them out.

-> Patience: We're still human, we need patience like everyone else, though maybe a little more than others. Plenty of us want to get better, but it takes time and resources that can be hard to have/attain. Taking time to communicate and have patience for those who are trying is incredibly helpful. Taking time to think through why we may do, think, or say something and give us some grace is important. Though like I said, there are limits to this, if someone's repeatedly doing something you don't like and aren't changing even if you're patient, you're allowed to not want that relationship and depart from it

-> Respect: this is another big thing, if you don't give respect, you won't receive respect (or the illusion of it). You won't be respected or treated like a friend if you can't respect us, respect that we're flawed humans, respect that we're individuals. Respect is a two way street, both people need to respect each other in any relationship or friendship, this is the same for pwNPD with the caveat that we can be more likely to lash out if we're not respected.

Something I'd love to see in a relationship or friendship within media is a portrayal that we're flawed, yes, but we're capable of changing and improvement. We're not a monolith stuck in place with an incapability to reflect and change.

For my personal experiences with romantic relationships, I've had 2 major ones and 1 minor one.

My first ever ex was an EP for a lot of my life, I cared for her a lot, but we weren't good for each other at all, she was very emotionally abusive towards me and manipulative. I was also manipulative though I didn't realize that at the time, I won't get into specifics, but I would give ultimatums, threaten break ups to stop her from getting into destructive situations, constantly thought she would cheat on me, etc. it was my first relationship and I wasn't receiving any kind of mental help and was actively being traumatized via various issues both in and out of that relationship. I thought what I was doing was going to make things better, that if I controlled her, it would be fine, she would get better. It, obviously, didn't. We ultimately ended things after the like 3rd break up.

The minor relationship lasted like a month or two, I blew it up by not respecting his identity, I was ignorant, so he broke up with me, pretty clean cut. Not hung up over it, I've learned better by now.

My third relationship is where everything kinda changed, we recently broke up, but it was the healthiest relationship I've ever had. I've stopped giving ultimatums, stopped being manipulative. I communicated better, I worked on myself, I warned him I needed patience and about my ego and issues. He agreed. I was able to better respect him, respect myself. Things never turned into arguments. I struggled with romantic feelings towards the end, I still have issues with relationships, I haven't fully shaken a lot of my habits, but I would get him gifts, we went on dates, had fun. But I think we work better as friends. The relationship ended on good terms. We still are friends and still talk.

I've had a pretty big character arc across my relationships and as I grew up. Growth like that isn't impossible for pwNPD, I actively improved and I'm at a point where while I still struggle internally with relationships, I don't project that outward and I'm able to better communicate my issues and articulate things in a non-destructive way.

PwNPD are human, we're going to fuck up, we're going to learn. I'd say it's dishonest to say we don't hurt people by accident. Everyone does, we're usually just largely unaware that actions affect others negatively. That's why the previous points are so important, why we need understanding, boundaries, and communication.

Now disclaimer: if anyone, regardless of disorder, keeps violating boundaries constantly, if they refuse to change, if they cross a personal line that makes you want to not associate, you don't have to stick around. You can end that friendship or relationship. You don't have to excuse behaviors or justify them because of a disorder. We're still responsible for our actions and should have consequences for the negative ones.

A lot of our friendships can be quite surface level, we may give gifts or compliments to make people like us. We'll interact and craft an image around people. It's not something to take too personally unless they're actively hurting you. It's just how our internal hierarchy works and how we see people. It can still be healthy even if there's less of an emotional intimacy. I view friendships in a more transactional way, what can I get out of this relationship and what do I have to give to get that. It could be because they're funny, I need entertainment, they'll listen to me yapping, they help me be a better person, etc. I'm still willing to put in work on friendships, if I like the person I'll try to keep them around as much as possible and do things to keep them around via gift giving, letting them vent, normal friend stuff.

But yeah in conclusion: healthy relationships can be difficult with disorders like NPD, we think about ourselves, we usually lack empathy to care about others on a deeper level, we struggle with boundaries. There's a lot of emotional distance that tends to happen, we're traumatized people, people who have fragile identities. But there are ways to make it work, we're capable of change, we're able to maintain relationships healthily even if there's not a ton of closeness there.

I hope this helps, if you have further questions, feel free to ask. Like I said, this can and does change between people, we're not a monolith, these are just things I've experienced or observed.

[npd-confessions]

I'm really not sure how much I believe in dividing NPD into the whole "Vulnerable" vs "Grandiose" type.

It really removes a lot of the nuance and diversity of people; while also sounding like a line from one of those "narcissist survival guides".

Okay so this actually does somewhat have a reason for that separation. I can't really talk on all the subdivisions cause ehh I don't pay much attention to those. But vulnerable vs grandiose usually have different traits and therefore need different therapeutic approaches. There's a lot of diversity in their presentations and it is nuanced from person to person and there is overlap between the two quite a bit.

Grandiose -> "everyone sees me as great, everyone can recognize my superiority"

Vulnerable -> "no one can see my superiority, no one can see how great I am"

Granted this is very watered down, but it's two different mindsets that can occur but they can also overlap. It's not one size fits all, but you wouldn't really practice the same therapeutic approaches to both thought patterns. They're two sides of the same coin, yes and they can benefit from the same types of therapy. However, grandiosity needs to be carefully deconstructed while vulnerability needs to be shifted towards confidence. The wrong therapy methods could inadvertently cause worsening symptoms and cause a switch from grandiose to vulnerable and vice versa.

The two groups are different in their interpersonal behaviors, emotional responses, information processing, and treatment risks that may come with each type. You could subdivide types of narcissism all day, but the two groups are the main overarching symptom presentations observed clinically and it's acknowledged that there's usually overlap.

That said I definitely agree that it sounds straight out of a "narcissist survival guide" lmfao and I can see why it reads as taking away nuance. But unfortunately psychology is so individualistic that at some point you do just kinda gotta make some generalizations based on observation. I mean there's Major Depressive Disorder, Persistent Depressive Disorder, and Seasonal Depressive Disorder, all are depression and feature general same core symptoms that come with depression, just very different presentations and approaches to care. To be fair there's a lot of flaws in that comparison, but there's a reason we tend to make generalized groupings in psychology to better treat that group as a whole with the nuance added based on the individual.