hi! i dont think i have full-blown npd, rather bpd with a fair amount of narcissistic features, although narcissism apparently runs in my family. that could very well just be people using terms like narcissistic non-clinically though.
i saw some asks with people talking about how they sort of have a continuum of inferiority/superiority, and wanted to share some of my experiences of it to compare, also because i'd like to get some additional input on how it might feel for others.
i've found i don't tend to actively place people above or below me, like its more something thats triggered than something thats apart of my everyday thought process.
the moment someone who i perceive to be 'below' me in a certain skill or area of knowledge exhibits more knowledge or better skill than me its like i get set off. i take care not to demean people or anything, i work to recognise my behaviours and not allow them to impact others, but even then it definitely slips through. i become intensely cold and dismissive, and in the moment its like i genuinely dislike the person, even if theyre someone i typically idealise. its to a point where people will notice, especially if its directed at them, and ive had to apologise for it, only afterwards though. there is no way i would even consider apologising at the time.
on the contrary, if one of those same people who're "below" me are actively failing or struggling, i feel good. like, very good. very accomplished, even though i havent done anything to cause their failure. like, it feels like things are correct and as they should be. ive even found that in other areas of life, being in a position where i feel like i'm "above" someone or in control brings me a large amount of joy, usually at the other person's dismay.
i would never intentionally cause someone who i love harm, i recognise that its wrong to do and as long as im myself, it wont happen. yet in moments where others, such as my loved ones, are actively upset or reliant on me, i feel like i dont want them to get better. like something about their dismay brings me joy and stability and comfort, like their sadness is comforting to me. that doesnt mean i want them to be sad, but when theyre relying on me for comfort and control it makes me not want them to get better, and to instead just forever be in a state where they rely on me.
i'm not impressed with anyone i'd consider to be above or equal to me, its not something i actively think about. im also friends with plenty of people i may occasionally slip into believing are "below" me. it doesnt make much of a difference to me, i accept some people are inherently more skilled or knowledgeable in certain areas than me, and i accept that because its like, i know my place, and i accept that. its only when my place is challenged that i feel threatened. otherwise i'm okay with just being the best i can be for myself, and if possible, receiving affirmation for that.
i think ive realised overtime part of the reason i enjoy relationships is the affirmation they bring. dont get me wrong, i would never get into a relationship solely for affirmation, that wouldnt last and i recognise its cruel to do. but i think a large part of why im happy in relationships comes from affirmation, being told im perfect and hot and the best and everything is just. like. i dont get a rush out of it, but it feels right to hear to an extent. like, i wouldnt call myself perfect, i recognise that'd be considered egocentric to others, much like calling myself humble. its words like that i prefer for others to say about me. i do love my partner, so much, its just that the affirmation provided definitely sources a decent bit of my enjoyment of our relationship because it feels like im being told what i need to be told, and like im being recognised in a way i havent been before.
i would also never intentionally manipulate others, although admittedly i think my behaviour has subconsciously steered down that path before. but to me, its not intentional, like, im not actively planning to manipulate someone. previously i've gotten a bit of a rush from feeling in-control of others, the way that what i say can bring someone to tears (positively. the experience im referencing was from when i was comforting someone and that managed to bring them to tears), like, it felt so. i dont have a word for it, like in that moment i was like. wow, i have so much power. i never want this to end. let me say all the right things and know what they'll bring. but even then, that wasnt inherently intentional. like, anytime ive displayed manipulative behaviour (threatening suicide, ONCE. when i was 14. not proud, crying to initiate a specific response, saying specific things and having people respond in a specific way) i've never been doing it with the explicit intent of manipulating people, like, its just something i do that happens to be manipulative. and i can only ever realise that afterwards, because i feel how i present. anytime ive cried to make people react ive been genuinely upset, and often times their lack of reaction has only caused me to spiral further ('so you dont care about me??').
i dunno, i understand if this doesnt get a response, admittedly i trailed a bit. im not trying to request a diagnosis, i just want to compare my experiences with others and also be able to write things out because the barrier of entry for most pd spaces online is surprisingly high LOL
hope ur having a good day/night!
People in mental health spaces can be very gatekeepy about like "you have to fit this very rigid box and experience exactly what I experience to be valid" which like, okay yeah someone should fit the criteria if they're entering a space for specific disorders, but it still looks different for everyone. I don't really have much to say on everything else rn, but I'm open to answering like any specific questions you might have.
Edit: forgot to mention that also the barrier to entry in pd/mental health spaces can also be perceived as way higher than it actually is when you're so conscious about what other people think of you. In plenty of places they're not that high, but it can seem that way cause you're constantly on edge and fear that you're gonna do something wrong so it becomes harder to interact and try to enter
